Am I expecting too much from a long, lonely marriage?

[Maddeena]

Married 20 years, two teenagers, one at university.

We tried marriage counselling but I got the impression the counsellor saw me as unreasonable, despite DP addictions (previous alcohol and porn, he’s in support groups for those for the last four years, attends weekly when he can ).

I often wonder if I’m expecting too much with my nagging and desire for fun like we used to have. We sleep in separate rooms and he usually is in bed by 10pm. I used to want to socialise and see friends but I’ve become quite reclusive in recent weeks and I feel like I’m loosing friends in the process as I don’t want to burden or moan about him. He’s quite content in his own company, it’s always been me to instigate holidays, get together, outings with the family. He does cook and take the dogs for walks. Whenever we have done couple things, we’re never out longer than a couple of hours. I feel like I have to instigate conversations unless he’s in a good mood or we’re out with the kids, he’s lovely and jokey then.

He can get really defensive and tell me he feels he can’t do right and I’m always critical. He raises his voice to quieten me down and the teenagers tell me to stop going on, that I’m always moaning, miserable and their father is right.

I’ve got my job that pays not enough for me to get a separate mortgage. I have looked at rentals and it’s expensive. I try and keep myself busy, occupied and volunteer when I can, I keep fit. I’m fairly overweight so I could do more I suppose especially as I’m in my fifties. I’m on HRT which helps with flushes, I’ve tried antidepressants but they gave me serotonin syndrome which was scary.

I’m in therapy and talking about these feelings, I even use ChatGPT too!

I worry that I’m wasting my life away with someone who sees me as a platonic friend. I mean he doesn’t ever want sex, I get a cuddle if I ask for one and to others, including my mum, they believe I should just get on with it as there are men out there very similar to him. There are no decent ones according to my single friends.

I’m not sure what I’m asking on here really other than I feel so lonely and sad all the time. My teenagers social lives are more fun and romantic than mine. But am I expecting too much at my age? I know it’s not all sex and fun all the time but this marriage feels like hard work.

I’m scared if I do decide to take steps to leave my children would be really angry and friends and family would be shocked.

Currently he’s ignoring me as I texted him about feeling overwhelmed and depressed. He just got defensive and said his life isn’t perfect either. I tried to listen and say I get that. He’s lost family members over the years and I’ve supported him in his grief. I even after many years got him to go and get the help for his addictions all those years back. When I said can you not see how I feel and to listen to my pain, he just got frustrated and stormed off. This is how it always is with him so I’m really fed up.

So very sorry for this long post! I’m just at a loss with how my life feels and very moaning. I try not to but it is hard begging for love and care.

Yes and I feel incredibly guilty about this.

Thank you, I feel quite scared though as my children love their dad

Your relationship has totally run its course, you would all be happier if you separated it sounds like. You say you can’t get a full mortgage, but did you include a deposit of 50% of your joint marital assets, and what if you get a full time job instead of volunteering. It makes no odds if people will be ‘shocked’, this is your life you’re one talking about.
and, no, we’re not destined to all be miserable just because we’re 50.

I’m not understanding why they wouldn’t carry on loving their dad if you separate?

I meant in the sense, if I take those steps which I’ve been trying to for the last year, they would be angry at me as they would feel I would be hurting him.

Im in my 50s and remember my mum at my age constantly crying and complaining about my dad.

I did feel for my mum, and loved my dad, but I wish they had split up. Money was the issue, but I'm pretty sure they could have worked something out.

They remained together and muddled along til their 80s, when mum died.

He was never going to be the romantic, thoughtful, loving man she wanted, ever.

I would imagine your kids are like I was, sick of hearing you moaning but doing nothing about it. Sorry to be blunt, but my teenage years were bloody miserable.

I hope I haven’t offended as I’m in my fifties. I meant in terms of the “keep calm and carry on” feeling I’m getting from family members and some friends?

That single life and the dating scene is hard at this stage in life. That’s how they have portrayed it to me as a way of saying just ignore and stay with the platonic marriage as it is awful out there. It makes me feel fearful and stuck.

You should consider staying and making yourself a life that fits in, or leaving and being single and having a life. Forget about meeting someone else, most men over 50 aren’t worth bothering with.

I’ve been really trying with the former to manage and it’s been really depressing me.

I can see that the thread is telling me to leave. I do feel quite vulnerable and scared to take those steps. I know I have to speak to a solicitor but alongside this, how do I deal with the fear and guilt and shame?

why would your children be angry that you count too and want to make your life happier by ending a situation you’re thoroughly miserable in?

Children love their parents anyway no matter how crap they actually are.

What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?.

What do you want to teach your children about relationships and what are they learning here?.

You will need to ask yourself some pretty tough questions some day; namely why you have stayed with him until now at least. Did you stay with him really for the sake of the kids, money worries or out of some fear of being alone?. If so you made a huge error of judgment.

Their dad has taught the remaining DC at home how to abuse you; after all he is also a master manipulator and if he can manipulate a counsellor into taking his side he can certainly manipulate you people as his family members. One day however, his mask will slip again and they will realise who he really is.

I would also readily assume your child at uni does not come home very often if at all because your household is akin to a warzone.

You're in an abusive marriage with him so it's over anyway regardless of what people in your real life are telling you. They certainly do not have your interest at heart here. You need to be on your own living a life free from abuse and his addictions.

The last thing you need going forward is another relationship at least until your boundaries are a lot healthier that the sub level they are currently at.

Would you want to meet someone else though? Most women I know (me included) don't really want another man. At least not in any kind of serious and traditional sense. I think that if you would only leave because you think there is a better option (in terms of a man) out there then you shouldn't leave, but if you think you'd be happier on your own then you should.

I can only offer my only experience of being single and 50. I bloody love it. The peace, the lack of judgement, I’m blissfully content. I have no desire to date.

Fear I can understand.
guilt and shame?!? Why?

Guilt and shame regarding the destruction I have caused not leaving sooner, as I can see I have likely damaged my children. My uni one does come home, both are fairly confident and in relationships which seem normal compared to their parents.

The shame not staying married in my family. I will be judged by my mother. I learnt from her I suppose…

The shame should be on any person who thinks you should remain where you’re miserable op. Not on you.

yes, you should have left sooner. But today is still better than tomorrow or never

Do you think other women who gets divorced should feel shame too, or is it just you?

You say that you look at teenage relationships and think they are more fun and romantic. That suggests you might be being a bit unrealistic. Is this about your husband or is this about you being depressed about aging?

It sounds depressing.

But I think what you need to ask yourself is if you leave are you ok with being alone? if you can be alone and happy that’s great. If you only want to leave to find a lovely replacement then it’s a risk. I have 3 friends recently or currently getting divorced. One will be happy alone and has no desire for a man, the other two well one has already bagged herself a certainly ok one after a year and the other has not but likes going on lots of dates. The two that were bored of their husbands and left are the ones dating. Neither had as many issues as you. I will say both as individuals were financially in very good places to divorce. One has just bought herself a house outright and the other though she will be fighting in court does have a big chunk of money to scrap over.

I couldn’t stay with someone like your DH as would find it draining but I get the money issues having an influence. The one who is not looking for a man was cheated on and has got a new mortgage and house but it’s term is till she is 70 and her planned older life is now totally messed up. Even the two wealthier than most obviously end up with less money.

You do only get one life though and he sounds dreadful.

You have never had what I call a great love, it does exist but is sadly evasive for many.