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Original poster

Am I being unfair

40 replies

Justagirl87 · 15/04/2026 07:41

well I don’t know where to start but just briefly husband was working for 10 months (paid me bill money about 3 months) and would still borrow money off me. I have 2 kids he has 2 kids and we have 1 together. He doesn’t hardly help around house. I’m currently working and he’s not. I offered to pay for us all to go on holiday if he sorts his passport. Anyway I think we both know relationship has come to an end but he won’t leave. I’m wanting to book a holiday for me and my kids is that me being unfair?? His kids are going away with their mum this year

OP posts:
GrianGealach · 15/04/2026 07:55

Not unfair, no, but in your shoes, I’d focus on ending the relationship and arranging the separation, and save the money for that. Whose house is it?

Seaoftroubles · 15/04/2026 07:58

You sound as though there's more going on here than just concerns about a holiday. Why isn't your husband working, is there a reason and is he actively trying to get work? If he's between jobs whilst you work then of course he should be doing things at home. If you feel it's over you need to dicuss how to separate l think you need to prioritise this before you worry about holidays.

ProudAmberTurtle · 15/04/2026 07:59

The relationship has ended because he hasn't got a passport?

Original poster
Justagirl87 · 15/04/2026 08:01

GrianGealach · 15/04/2026 07:55

Not unfair, no, but in your shoes, I’d focus on ending the relationship and arranging the separation, and save the money for that. Whose house is it?

It’s a council house in both of our names

OP posts:
Original poster
Justagirl87 · 15/04/2026 08:04

Seaoftroubles · 15/04/2026 07:58

You sound as though there's more going on here than just concerns about a holiday. Why isn't your husband working, is there a reason and is he actively trying to get work? If he's between jobs whilst you work then of course he should be doing things at home. If you feel it's over you need to dicuss how to separate l think you need to prioritise this before you worry about holidays.

So I’ve told him I can’t carry on a couple of times now we spend more time not talking than anything else and it’s not fair on my kids. He then says he’s going to change and doesn’t accept that it’s over I then feel guilty. But I’ve asked him to leave number of a times and he refuses to leave. His mum has 2 spare bedrooms his Nana has a spare bedroom. I can’t leave with 3 kids. I get concentrate on ending the relationship but he won’t accept it and I feel my kids deserve a break from it all tbh. He lies says he has interviews and he doesn’t. He took a large loan out on a car (when working) which I asked him not to do as he is shocking with finances that cars now not working he can’t afford to repair it and he’s decided he’s not paying the finance anymore. I am sick of being unappreciated and doing everything all whilst still working and being a mum

OP posts:
shellyleppard · 15/04/2026 08:06

Contact your housing provider and ask them for help?

OneNaiceSnail · 15/04/2026 08:06

ProudAmberTurtle · 15/04/2026 07:59

The relationship has ended because he hasn't got a passport?

That’s what you got from that? And not that the relationship might be ending as he won’t work, does fuck all around the house while the op is out working to support her family and his, and is constantly borrowing money off her which will be draining the resources she needs for her own children. From the sounds of it they’re not married, have no children together, which makes him a pure cock lodger who doesn’t even pretend to give a shit about her by even attempting to pull his jobless weight around the house

Original poster
Justagirl87 · 15/04/2026 08:07

ProudAmberTurtle · 15/04/2026 07:59

The relationship has ended because he hasn't got a passport?

No not at all read my latest comment I’ve given a bit more info x

OP posts:
Original poster
Justagirl87 · 15/04/2026 08:09

shellyleppard · 15/04/2026 08:06

Contact your housing provider and ask them for help?

I have because his names on the tenancy and we married nothing they can do unless we divorce (very expensive)

OP posts:
OneNaiceSnail · 15/04/2026 08:10

Op I know a holiday for you and your children would be lovely, but that is not a priority now. Get yourself down to citizens advice or Google and phone some advice helplines about getting him out. Save that money in case you need it for something more important. Advice might have changed since, but I know a friend who went through similar, she was told that as they’re joint tenants that they’re both responsible for paying the rent. She was told to just pay half, he was responsible for paying the other half, and action would be taken against him and not her when he didn’t pay (obviously get advice before you take any steps).

shellyleppard · 15/04/2026 08:10

@Justagirl87 okay. Thanks for the update

Original poster
Justagirl87 · 15/04/2026 08:11

OneNaiceSnail · 15/04/2026 08:06

That’s what you got from that? And not that the relationship might be ending as he won’t work, does fuck all around the house while the op is out working to support her family and his, and is constantly borrowing money off her which will be draining the resources she needs for her own children. From the sounds of it they’re not married, have no children together, which makes him a pure cock lodger who doesn’t even pretend to give a shit about her by even attempting to pull his jobless weight around the house

Show quote history

You got everything right except we are married (silly mistake) we share one child together. He just has no motivation. Doesn’t help and always tries to put me down. I feel so awful on myself but I’m slowly starting to do things for me to feel better

OP posts:
OneNaiceSnail · 15/04/2026 08:12

Sorry I read husband as partner op. I guess that does complicate things more. You 100% need legal advice

Firefly100 · 15/04/2026 08:21

You are not being unreasonable about the holiday but in your position I would focus on getting a divorce. You housing association will do nothing whilst you remain married and you will be living together forever. As part of the divorce there will need to be an agreement about housing and assuming you are the main carer of your children it will be you who stays. Focus on ensuring you have the necessary proof you are the main carer and set the divorce in motion. Once you are in your home alone, go on holiday to celebrate.
In the meantime separate FULLY within the home, share nothing and make life uncomfortable for him. Separate any benefits you receive (make sure child benefits are in your name). Buy food each day only to cook for you and your children so he can’t steal it. Do his two children live with you and you are basically their carer? Assuming not, just cook, wash etc for your own children and leave him (and his children when they visit) to it.

ProudAmberTurtle · 15/04/2026 08:24

OneNaiceSnail · 15/04/2026 08:06

That’s what you got from that? And not that the relationship might be ending as he won’t work, does fuck all around the house while the op is out working to support her family and his, and is constantly borrowing money off her which will be draining the resources she needs for her own children. From the sounds of it they’re not married, have no children together, which makes him a pure cock lodger who doesn’t even pretend to give a shit about her by even attempting to pull his jobless weight around the house

Show quote history

She says they have children together and are married in her post?

UpDownAllAround1 · 15/04/2026 08:37

Divorce is cheaper than a holiday

Seaoftroubles · 15/04/2026 08:46

@Justagirl87 thank you for the clarification. As you are married it's obviously not easy for you but l would be contacting a solicitor for advice re divorcing him as that way you may be able to get his name off the tenancy. It's awful that he is lying about non existng job interviews, and taking out loans that he obviously cannot pay. Also there is room at his Mums for him so l'd put pressure on him to leave asap. Do nothing for him at home and live separately, don't enable him in any way, he doesn't deserve your support.

Original poster
Justagirl87 · 15/04/2026 10:01

OneNaiceSnail · 15/04/2026 08:10

Op I know a holiday for you and your children would be lovely, but that is not a priority now. Get yourself down to citizens advice or Google and phone some advice helplines about getting him out. Save that money in case you need it for something more important. Advice might have changed since, but I know a friend who went through similar, she was told that as they’re joint tenants that they’re both responsible for paying the rent. She was told to just pay half, he was responsible for paying the other half, and action would be taken against him and not her when he didn’t pay (obviously get advice before you take any steps).

I have looked into this and my housing didn’t agree with this so yes I think I need to go citizens advice to check my rights x

OP posts:
Original poster
Justagirl87 · 15/04/2026 10:03

Firefly100 · 15/04/2026 08:21

You are not being unreasonable about the holiday but in your position I would focus on getting a divorce. You housing association will do nothing whilst you remain married and you will be living together forever. As part of the divorce there will need to be an agreement about housing and assuming you are the main carer of your children it will be you who stays. Focus on ensuring you have the necessary proof you are the main carer and set the divorce in motion. Once you are in your home alone, go on holiday to celebrate.
In the meantime separate FULLY within the home, share nothing and make life uncomfortable for him. Separate any benefits you receive (make sure child benefits are in your name). Buy food each day only to cook for you and your children so he can’t steal it. Do his two children live with you and you are basically their carer? Assuming not, just cook, wash etc for your own children and leave him (and his children when they visit) to it.

This is what I intend to do to be honest x

OP posts:
millymollymoomoo · 15/04/2026 10:18

Usually for a council joint tenancy it l will be held joint and several liability which means you are each solely responsible for the whole tenancy not just your share

ie if he doesn’t pay you are expected to pay in full and vice versa. If you pay half and he doesn’t then they’ll pursue you both for payment. If neither pays you’ll default, screw up credit ratings and likely ultimately end up evicted

is it a council property with secure lifetime tenancy or a fixed term ? And can either one of you give notice which ends the joint tenancy - if so be careful as he could do so terminating for both . ( depending on above answers)

RandomMess · 15/04/2026 10:28

File for divorce on line, it doesn’t have to be expensive. What assets do you even have to argue over?

SisterThorn · 15/04/2026 10:32

Justagirl87 · 15/04/2026 10:01

I have looked into this and my housing didn’t agree with this so yes I think I need to go citizens advice to check my rights x

Show quote history

Because this is most likely incorrect.

You would probably be chased for full amount - they dont care who pays it, they just want it paid. There isn't "your half and his half"

CoffeeBeansGalore · 15/04/2026 10:39

Justagirl87 · 15/04/2026 08:09

I have because his names on the tenancy and we married nothing they can do unless we divorce (very expensive)

Show quote history

If you start divorce proceedings, with some form of written proof from a solicitor, would that count towards him being offered another smaller property? He'll only need a 2 bd for him & visitation for your 1 joint child.

Original poster
Justagirl87 · 15/04/2026 11:07

millymollymoomoo · 15/04/2026 10:18

Usually for a council joint tenancy it l will be held joint and several liability which means you are each solely responsible for the whole tenancy not just your share

ie if he doesn’t pay you are expected to pay in full and vice versa. If you pay half and he doesn’t then they’ll pursue you both for payment. If neither pays you’ll default, screw up credit ratings and likely ultimately end up evicted

is it a council property with secure lifetime tenancy or a fixed term ? And can either one of you give notice which ends the joint tenancy - if so be careful as he could do so terminating for both . ( depending on above answers)

It’s not got any terms on tenancy. But yes everything you have said is correct it falls on both of us even if I pay my half

OP posts:
Heraldry · 15/04/2026 11:13

You need to talk to Housing again. Go on to the Transfer list. You also need to stop doing anything for him that makes his life easier. Do not cook. Do not do his washing. Do not do any life admin. Do not engage. This may make him do the decent thing and leave. You can be formally separated whilst living under the same roof - get legal advice from Citizens Advice, inform the Department for Work and Pensions, etc. Sleep in the living room if there is no spare room. No ambiguity, simply head up high and start seeing yourself as a unit with your children, not with him.