AIBU to think all relationships eventually go sour?

[dealingwithitall3]

Once the honeymoon period wears off, the cracks start to show. Whether that’s taking the other for granted, being annoyed by the other person, boredom etc. That then leads to big symptoms of unhappiness like affairs or walking out on someone.

Every marriage I know of has resulted in things going pear shaped after a few years. Even those who seemed blissfully happy at one time and no one thought it would ever go wrong. Of course a lot of people do stay together for big reasons such as children, but that doesn’t mean they’re happy. My parents stayed together despite my dad’s many affairs and I don’t think they are unusual.

Myself, I’m married but a few years down the line I realised a long time ago how rubbish it all is. We own a house together but that’s all we share these days - separate rooms, we don’t have sex or anything close, we don’t go out together anymore, we don’t eat together etc. We argue at times but really I try to avoid him as much as I can. It’s like having a roommate I don’t want to see much.

People can tell me to leave, to turn my life (and my cat’s life) upside down, but then I wonder if they is even worth it. I am not interested in having a relationship again as I know they all go downhill in the end. I do have periods where I would like a sexual relationship but I couldn’t have sex with someone without knowing them so it’s a catch 22.

I would be content and happy being single living on my own for the rest of my days but it comes down to finances. Half my property wouldn’t buy much where I am (and my husband would be very difficult about selling, he likes this roommate / ownership arrangement), and I don’t want to rent and also have my cat to think about. I’d rather just stay put than deal with that hassle at the moment.

My husband knows how I feel but he is happy with the current situation as it’s comfortable for him. He just cares about being comfortable financially. I feel like I’m just waiting out the rest of my life now with very little pleasure. I haven’t even been on holiday in years as he would never go, I don’t have close friends to go with and my family don’t invite me along with them anymore as I’m married. I wish someone had told me what happens a few years down the line.

No

You need to start building your life separately now. I stayed with somebody about five years longer than I wanted to, but I built an entire social life and support work away from him before we split up.
So that when the inevitable happened, I was ready and I made sure that it happened when I needed it to not coinciding with big events in the kids school life etc

No, not mine. I’ve been married for 35 years and we’re both still happy. Sure, our relationship has changed over the years, sex has decreased in frequency but is still mutually satisfying, and he’s still and always will be my best friend. We’ve had our ups and downs but I’ve never once regretted marrying as young as we were (I was 19 he was 18) and we’ve grown together. I’m more than content with my lot in life.

Go on holiday on your own! I do it’s great. Also your cat will adapt. What is the saying, something about being the star in your own story.

Some do and some don't. It's not inevitable in the way you're describing. You can choose to "wait out your life with very little pleasure", or you can brave a temporary difficult disruption and open up your options again. And I don't mean another relationship, I mean the option to actually live a life you enjoy, because right now you're denying yourself that.

OP, creeping around avoiding your husband is no way to live - and you only get one life!

You say: "Half my property wouldn’t buy much where I am (and my husband would be very difficult about selling, he likes this roommate / ownership arrangement)".

My advice: Just file for divorce. It will take a year or so minimum to get it sorted so start the process now. He will have to sell, so don't worry about that. You're already avoiding each other so you can carry on like that until the divorce is final and the house is sold. Then you and your cat can move into somewhere small and be free.

I don’t think it’s inevitable but I also think that relationships require investment. There are little ways that you choose the relationship, or you don’t. Almost everyone will have their head turned at some point. Some people turn firmly back into their marriage at that point, others don’t.

It’s not inevitable. But when your model of relationships from childhood is broken, it’s hard to have faith and then you can react to small

I think a lot get to a stage where they are more friendship based than passion driven but they don’t get as bad as yours sounds.

Even if you can’t afford much, so what? Do you need much if you only have you and a cat to think about? Do you have adult children or no children?

You have 3 choices I think.

1. continue as you are and be miserable for the rest of your life.
2. build your own life including travelling solo or with other solo groups
3. leave and be at complete peace whether in a new relationship or not.

what you describe isn’t normal for most married couples even if the passion has faded to a trickle/nothing.

Blimey @dealingwithitall3 “a few years” and you are living like this.

Most people, men and women, would at some point agree to separate living as you do. Surely a one bed garden flat is better than this?

Or if you are going to go full just housemates then at least do that properly.

And you have a ready made cat sitter, why not just go away with a bunch of singles on a group holiday?

We’ve been together 23 years and I still really enjoy being his partner and our life together. Has it all been roses? No. Yes there have been periods of stress and boredom but that’s just life. He is still the person I want to be with and tbh I wouldn’t want to do life without him.

My parents were together for 66 years until my mum died & they still celebrated the anniversary of their first date.

Moving in with my ex was the stupidest thing I ever did. I remember waking on my 40th birthday & thinking that if I didn’t make this stop, I could be unhappy for the rest of my life. 12 years on, my cat & I are living happily together in our own flat.

It wasn’t easy but oh god it was worth it.

It sounds like a cowardly way to live!

I have a friend in a very similar situation to you. She stays because they rent and neither has the money to live separately. Her last child has moved out now and it’s just her and her baggage. It’s just no way to live. My mother stayed with my father because she said she’d have to live in a council house if she left. I despised her for it because the unhappiness in the home was dreadful and really affected me.

You are worth more than this. Divorce him and find something, rent if you have to. Your situation sounds soul destroying. The cat will adapt.

No, they don’t. DH and I are together 34 years and I can honestly say, despite a periodically bumpy ride, it’s been good. If it wasn’t, I’d have no issue with ending things. You’re choosing this. You don’t have to.

Same

None of my friends are happily married, drinking too much, on anti depressants. Do we marry with the wrong ambitions? Have house price rises led to people not being able to afford to break free?

previous generations often married younger, only happy marriages I know are second time around

I have been married fifty years. I love my husband to bits. Everything is brighter, better if he is with me. I love seeing his car in the drive. My parents were together over sixty years and when my father died, my mother deteriorated rapidly. My parents in law managed seventy two years. They were very together until the end. Again, the one that survived lived for just six weeks after the other.
I started a thread yesterday showing some new research
It is just the findings. They have no idea of the cause of the reasons for this. Interesting though.

https://www.independent.co.uk/news/health/married-people-lower-chance-cancer-b2955458.html

File for divorce. This is a miserable way to spend your one life.

OP, your marriage has made you cynical, but it doesn’t have to be like that. My first marriage was awful, although it gave me my DC; my second is happy and we’ve been together for 23 years. I’m just always pleased when I come home and DH is there. It seems to me, though, that neither you nor your DH are making the least effort for your relationship - marriages don’t just “happen”, you do need to put in some effort. The thing I most envy my (very well-placed) sister is that she met the right person and has stayed married to him. And make no mistake about it, getting divorced can be awful if your DH decides to make it so.

No offence but you sound pretty pessimistic. If you believe that relationships eventually sour then what are you doing staying in the one you are in? You are dragging out the inevitable. Not all relationships sour and even if a lot do, don't you view that as an opportunity to meet someone new and experience life?

Your relationship sounds like it has lost passion and there could be no hope for it to get better, if that's the case it is down to you to change it, or maybe you are scared to change it because you hold too much value on finance. Imagine in a years time you are on holiday on your own, exploring places you have never been, not feeling restrained by another person? It's your life, if you are unhappy, change it. And yes it is that simple. I have done it. The sacrifices were worth the fulfillment I now experience.

What an utterly miserable way to live your one life.

There is so much exciting possibility out there at your fingertips, just reach for it.

I’ve started again a couple of times in life, it’s actually very freeing…I moved countries as a single parent to somewhere I knew no one, I left a marriage with nothing apart from a car of my belongings and my head held high. It’s scary I get it, but then you find you’re actually so much stronger than you thought.
Being by yourself is peaceful, being in a sham of a marriage is not. Give yourself a shake, find some gumption.

You deserve a gentle, peaceful existence.

Yes, YABU. Sure some relationships end; some relationships are bad and should end. But certainly not all. It’s about understanding the difference between the excitement of what’s shiny and new and the depth of a strong, connected love forged over years.

DH and i are 25+ years in - most of my friends are the same or more; there have been a couple of divorces, but DH’s and my relationship is overall very good and my friends’ relationships seem to be also.

LTR do require some effort to keep ticking over. The grass is greenest where you water it. But i’m a huge fan of the romance of the mundane. Not moonlight and roses. I think there is true romance in the fact that DH and i have been going through the daily grind - working, parenting, running a household - and we still enjoy doing things together, make each other laugh, have interesting conversations, snuggle up together in bed etc. Sure there’s been the occasional bumpy patch but nothing serious. Love is a decision and an action not just a feeling. Neither you nor your DH is doing anything to maintain the relationship. You’re both completely neglecting it. How you feel is the upshot.

My mum left my dad after 32 years of marriage because of his infidelity. Sadly she died at 67 but she had an amazing 15 years or so after her divorce including a very happy second marriage of 12 years.

Life is not a dress rehearsal - we just get this one shot at it. Don’t live it out in misery just to prove a point. Go on holiday alone or with your family (just tell them you would line to come despite being married). If your husband is happy with being roommates and you prefer the economics of remaining married, you could perhaps agree to open up your marriage. And you can leave.

20 years in here and its not "gone sour" yet. I actively enjoy spending time with DP, whether it's just lounging around the house watching TV together or out for a meal or a drink or the cinema, live music etc.

Yes, she does my nut in at times, as I'm sure I do her, but that's normal, and it's always a fleeting feeling.

We spend plenty of time apart doing our own things, but that's not a bad thing either. I'm away for a week by myself next month and while I'll absolutely love the solitude, I know I'll be missing her massively by the time I come home.

Nope. Just because your marriage is shite, doesn't mean everyone's is.

It sounds miserable though and I would be leaving in your situation.

I can't be doing with people who are miserable so need to believe we're all miserable. We're not.

If you can't be bothered to improve your life, then stay unhappy with your dead marriage and your cat. But don't pretend it's the same for everyone. Some of us put the work in to make our lives good.