Am I a bad person for wanting to leave…with no reason

[fivesixseveneight8]

Married for 20 years, 2 teenage children. Been unhappy for a while but it’s now like I woke up a couple of months ago and want to leave. I don’t want to be in this relationship. Nothing has happened, no one else, no reason, husband is you could say the perfect husband.

I’ve spoke to him about how I feel and he is willing to do anything he can but I feel like I’ve made my mind up but I’m going to be judged.. has anyone else has this and all worked out ok

Honestly you shouldn't be judged at all in fact would praise you for how mature you handled this. You talked with your husband and thought about your feelings beforehand.

It's natural to feel unsatisfied with where you are and what you have. The best solution is to adventure out. Go out in the world and do some hobbies and relax a bit more. These feelings might come from being too much around your husband and children to the point you want to be a bit free. Spend a week doing what you want to do and enjoy life guapa.

You’re unhappy in the relationship — that’s enough reason!

You are not a bad person to leave. But as it’s relatively sudden I’d put the effort in to see if it can work first, have you already done marriage counselling?

You have a reason - you do not want to be in the relationship. It might be hard to hear to the other person, relatives, friends might be confused by it (it's not up to them, they can think whatever they want), but the reality is that the alternative is just wrong: Forcing yourself to stay in a relationship you don't want to be in, and deceiving the spouse, making him think he still has a "partner". So leaving is absolutely the right thing, if that is how you feel.

Wow thank you so much for the replies I was honestly ready to flamed on here. I just feel like things have changed, we’re not the same people as we were when we married. I’m not happy and can’t see it changing. I thought husband felt the same but I think he would happily plod along for the rest of his life

You don’t need a reason To leave a situation you’re unhappy in and go live the life you want. You don’t owe anyone your one precious life 🤷🏼‍♀️

I ended my first marriage after 2 and a half years, when I was 23, two months before I turned 24. We'd been together a total of 6 and a half years.

He was a decent man, we owned our own house, both had good jobs etc. But I realised that I just didn't love him and didn't want to be in the relationship anymore.

Looking back with the benefits of more than 30 years of hindsight, we were at different points in our life. He was happy to stay in the same house, job and town for the rest of his life (like his parents). Frankly, he was more like a 44 year old than a 24 year old. Over those 6 and a half years, I changed and he didn't.

He met his now wife 2 weeks after I left him and they had their first child less than a year later...about 2 months after our divorce came through (my solicitor was crap, I'd moved to the other side of the world by then and she basically 'forgot' to apply for the decree absolute).

My mother gave me hell for leaving 'for no reason'. As other posters have said, not wanting to be in the relationship is reason enough.

Are you unhappy with the relationship or are you unhappy with your life?
Is there an independent part you that you get satisfaction from? Professional or hobby related or simpler things such as meditation, reading, yoga anything that benefits you and you alone?
Have you tried doing different activities with your DH, activities alongside each other or together. For example cycling together but essentially doing it alone or building something together - random examples but it gives you an idea of what I mean.
Do you want to be entirely independent and alone of adult company at home. Or do you want a better at home life.
Think it through and see what the results are.
If you simply can’t stand your husbands’s presence for whatever reason (bored or anything else), then it makes sense to separate especially if there won’t be a major drama about it.
If you are at a stage where you are uncertain of yourself, then think it through a bit more.

Don't worry guapa you should be happy and if you truly don't feel happy with where life is going now then find what you truly want. You deserve to be happy, so first think a bit more on what you truly want and act responsibly.

we essentially live seperate lives, do our own thing apart from the dc, who are now older and don’t need us as much. I know he will be heartbroken but the thought of staying like this for the rest of my life is hurting me. Then there’s the house, divorce, sometimes it does just feel me easier to stay put

Sounds like a bog-standard mid-life crisis to me. I’d advise taking up cold-water swimming or something rather than running away.

How old are the teens? It’d be ideal to avoid big exam years for divorce if possible

That's totally understandable on the idea of staying put because of the house, divorce, etc. However it's not the healthiest choice if you don't feel happy at all. That might damage your happiness and mental health slowly. Best choice is to be very upfront with your husband on what you truly want and see if it can be fixed. If it comes to actually separating/divorce it should be on friendly terms before anything becomes bad. Stay strong guapa

Are you peri-menopausal by any chance? The change in hormones can often lead us to be less tolerant of things we've been putting up with. I am not saying take HRT and limp on, but you might be able to work on things, if you think things are salvageable? But if you don't think the relationship is ever going to be better, even with work, it is OK to go and live your life more happily!

All I would say is two things:

1. Life is too short to be unhappy. If you're truly miserable then its not fair on anyone to stay in a relationship thats dead in the water.
2. There's an awful LOT of shit out there.....

Not saying that you're looking for another relationship but by God, by the time you're middle aged, the pool is very very sparce. If you've got a good man at home, maybe some time apart or some couples therapy might help you find that spark again for the man you once fell in love with? The fact that hes willing to try is an absolute bonus as well.

What’s stopping you from leaving?
you can leave and get your own tenancy elsewhere, I think if it’s a joint mortgage you’d still be responsible for your half of payments but that may be more a moral thing?

He’s clearly not the perfect husband. What would need to change to make him so? Be honest.

I separated from my husband recently for the same reason. We met when I was in my early 20’s. A marriage and 2 kids later, I’m not the same person (now late 30’s). I’d been feeling unhappy for a long time, eventually plucked up the courage to tell him I wasn’t happy. Agreed to try to make it work over a few months (mainly due to the guilt I felt at his reaction) but my heart wasn’t in it and the feelings just weren’t there anymore. We’ve been separated a couple of months and he still doesn’t accept that not being happy and not feeling anything for him anymore are good enough reasons to end a marriage. Almost as if he wants a “reason”.

The reactions from family and friends have been mixed. In many eyes he was the “perfect husband” so couldn’t understand my decision. He didn’t do anything “wrong” and is a good guy with a great job and it would’ve been easier practically and financially to stay, but I couldn’t live the rest of my life not being happy. Others have said I’m “brave” for doing what I’ve done - I think many people stay in relationships that they aren’t happy with for convenience or out of fear.

It’s tough in a lot of ways now. I’m the resident parent and have the kids a majority of the time. We’re only just starting the process of divorce and there are lots of complexities, as well as difficult times ahead. But I’ve never doubted my decision - I’m a much better mother to my kids now than I was in the last year before separation.

In short, as others have said, you’re not a bad person for wanting to be happy. You do not need a big “reason” to leave a relationship if that’s truly what you want. Could you consider a trial separation?

Are you unhappy with him? Or just unhappy with your life in general now?

If you've been married 20 years and are hitting peri-menopause then it would be a great shame to end a marriage because your hormones are all over the place and you suddenly feel you have to 'break free' from all the dull day to day shit.

If you have genuinely fallen out of love with your husband and can't continue with a charade of a marriage then no, it doesn't make you a bad person to decide you are leaving.

But it's worth exploring all your reasons for this in a bit of detail, surely? You may well find that the grass is not greener at all, and you rush into a divorce you regret.

No, you are not a bad person.
No point of being tied to someone who is a burden to you, at least emotionally.
Put yourself first, nobody else will.

To add, I did have counselling (on my own) and it really helped me realise that I was definitely making the right decision and gave me the courage I needed to separate. I’d definitely recommend exploring counselling. It may solidify your decision or it may conversely make you realise that there are things that could change on both sides to make your marriage work.

Actually, you are right and sensible, guapa.
👍

Maybe speak to someone. I personally don't think you can love someone all of the time in a relationship but there's also nothing wrong with putting yourself first and you're not a bad person. If you want to leave then that's enough.

It would be enough reason if it was just her and her DH. But there are teenage children involved and therefore it isn’t enough reason. You do need to think more deeply about what is going on because you are responsible for your teens’ living situation - not just your own.

What do you actually want? To be alone? Excitement? Travel?

You will be responsible for yourself and that might be something you will thoroughly enjoy.

Your children's ages are a concern, teenage years can be hard for them to cope with as well as their home changing. It can be managed well but will potentially need a lot from both parents when they are stretched dealing with the changes themselves.

I left a very bad marriage when mine were primary age, children now grown and flown, a few years ago met current partner after he was left. He's a very good man, his wife was unhappy. I feel very lucky.