How do I move forward with my mum after childhood abuse? TW

[SkipperKipper]

Hi,

A lengthy one I'm afraid, but any advice or similar stories very welcome. As per title - trigger warning for sexual abuse so please don't read on if this is an issue.

I am 33, married and have an 18 month old daughter. I live 3 hours away from my mum and dad who split when I was 13.

When I was 14/15, my mum met a new man who quickly moved in with us. I later found out at the time of this man moving in, he was going through a trial for allegedly raping a 14 year old girl. He was found not guilty.

We got on well to begin with. In hindsight, he was a real loser - never had a proper job, was always drinking/had a cocaine problem and was out and about all the time. To me, he was fun - always bought me booze, encouraged me to go out, chatted to me like I was a friend rather than 'telling me off' like my mum did.

However, after some time, he started being inappropriate towards me. This began with simpler things such as asking me if I watched porn and making suggestive comments when my mum wasn't around, but quickly progressed to kissing me and touching me inappropriately. Texting me inappropriate things. Unfortunately, this progressed to him sexually assaulting me on multiple occasions, including getting into bed with me when my mum left for work early. He also frequently gave me alcohol and cocaine when my mum had either gone to bed or was out working and sadly forced himself on me on occasions. He also gave cocaine to my friends and a boyfriend of mine at the time.

All of this came to an end when I was around 17 as I literally made sure I wasn't around him and told him to leave me alone. I went out all the time. They then split up, so I thought that was the end of it. I didn't tell my mum.

When I was 19, she started mentioning him again & it was clear that they were getting back together, so I told her everything. She got upset with me and didn't believe me. She didn't mention him again and we never spoke of it again. I moved away for uni.

Until... When I was 22, she again started mentioning him. I reminded her of what I'd told her a few years before, and she lost the plot. We had a dreadful argument & she said truly awful things to me. She said things like 'you shouldn't make yourself a victim if you don't want to be one', told me she didn't believe me as I'd not acted any differently at the time, and also told me that if I went to the police... 'I know whose side of the courtroom I'd be on, and it's not yours'. She suggested that if those things had happened, it was because I 'egged him on' and I have spent many years blaming myself, feeling ashamed and questioning myself about what happened.

Since that moment, we have basically just not spoken about him and never brought it up again. I told her that I don't ever want to see him again. It's so strange and probably inconceivable to some people, but that's how it is. We exist in a bizarre relationship where we speak weekly, see each other maybe 4/5 times a year and just talk about surface-level things in life, but never bring anything else up.

I am aware through my grandmother than my mum is still in a relationship with this man. They don't live together, but spend most weekends together & go on holidays in the UK. He has children and now has grandchildren. My mum has mentioned him a few times over the years (as in 'I'm going away with X for the week'), but even hearing his name terrifies me and I just ignore that part of what she's said and move on.

My brother (who lives locally) and my grandmother (who lives near my mum) are both aware of what happened. I suspect my brother only knows a small part of the story because he walked in at the end of the huge argument I had with my mum years ago. My dad knows too (although he's useless and we're not really in touch). Nobody ever said anything and nobody has ever asked me if I'm ok, everyone just accepts that this is the way things are.

My issue now is that I am struggling badly. Since the birth of my daughter, I can't stop thinking about what happened. I look at my daughter and I cannot imagine how anyone can behave the way my own mum has. I cannot make sense of her behaviour at all. I find it increasingly difficult to speak to my mum and feel like I'm living this weird half life with her where I don't share anything.

I feel sad because I feel that I can never leave my daughter with her, not now or really ever, because I cannot 100% trust that this man will not be there. I cannot say for sure that she would keep her safe, and I am not prepared to take that risk.

I'm going through counselling so I hope that will help, and my partner is incredible so I'm lucky. But I don't know where to go from here with my mum. I would also like to tell my brother the full story and confide in him, but don't know whether this will open a can of worms that I can't undo. Part of me wants to go to the police, but again, this feels like a huge decision that will blow the whole family apart. I love my grandmother so much and I don't want her to spend her final years in stress and turmoil about the family.

Again, sorry for the huge post. If anyone has any advice or can relate at all, I'd appreciate it.

No advice but glad you are accessing counselling, your mum has behaved appallingly and people have gone low/no contact for less. Do what makes you feel safe and secure. Congrats on becoming a mum to your lovely daughter 😊

I think that you are absolutely doing the right thing in working with a counsellor. There are many, many women on here who have found that becoming a mother themselves has made them re evaluate their relationship with their own parents. Although it is incredibly painful, this is a really important step for you to take.

I’m so sorry that you were not protected from this man. You should have been. What he did was abusive and very, very wrong. By not protecting you, your mother failed you in the worst possible way. I know that is very hard to hear.

She knows what he did and she accepts it. That’s the cold, hard truth. You may well find that your relationship with her deteriorates further as you become stronger as a mother yourself.

Lean on your closest people in real life. You’ve got this @SkipperKipper

Thank you so much for that kind message, it really helps to hear. I think it’s all too easy to second guess yourself and feel like you’re going crazy, especially because hardly anyone else knows this story. So hearing opinions in black and white helps me to process it all, thank you 😁

You have a child to protect so you never see her again. She's proved she's capable of being in relationships with a child abuser. Your daughter comes first so you never see her. Never ever.

Im so sorry you went through this, he groomed you, you did absolutely nothing wrong. I’m shocked and angry for you, you’re incredibly brave for speaking out. My friend experienced similar abuse and counselling bought her out of deep depression, fortunately her mother believed her. I’m glad you have a good supportive husband to help you through. It might be a good idea to confide in your brother for extra support. Also when you feel ready with support you may feel strong enough to report to the police, to prevent any other child experiencing what you have. As you mentioned he has young grandchildren. In your position I would be distancing from your mother.

Firstly so sorry your dm didn't believe you op. When my dd disclosed abuse the police were called and dd has never seen her abuser since. Neither have I and it was a very close family member..
Ime until your dm can grovel at your feet and has also more importantly rid herself from that bastard she shouldn't even know where you live or have your number.. You owe her nothing whatsoever..
Speak to a professional and consider reporting him. He has access to other dc...

I’m sorry that no one protected you when you were little. I’m sorry that your mother didn’t think what you told her mattered and still has your abuser in her life. None of it was your fault, and other people’s bad behaviour does not reflect your value or importance.

Why do you want to maintain contact with her?
She does not deserve your attention. She is continuing to abuse you with her behaviour.

Spend time with your Gran if you want to.
Spend time with your brother if you want to. Tell them as much as you want them to know.

Spend a lot of time with a therapist, if you can, that can help you understand that you do not have to tolerate anyone who abuses you. Especially people who are supposed to have your back.

It's difficult isn't it because it's not your responsibility to.protect other children (except your own dc) from this man? However, as you continue yo work with your counsellor, you may find that you do want to report his crimes to the police.

In the meantime, no-one would blame you if you decided to cut your mother out of your life completely. You have made the right decision not to allow her access to your daughter. Do stick to that.

I'm so sorry, op.

Does your brother have kids? I'd be worried about safeguarding the children in your family from this man.

Personally I think you'd be better off ending contact altogether with your mum, as I think she has let you down so so badly. She keeps choosing him.

So sorry OP, this was even hard to read. I don't think you should have a relationship with your mother anymore. She's not a good person and she does not deserve you. You don't need to offer any justifications. I went NC with my mother for much less. You are doing the right thing protecting your dear children. I'd tell my brother the full extent of it as well, no one should be protected for how badly they have let you down. Would also consider going to the police but obviously that is up to you. But your mother has been no mother to you, she doesn't even understand the concept. You owe her nothing. Look after yourself.

OP, I am really sorry this happened to you. You are right a true mother does not accept this. Sexual assault is really bad. If a mother responded out of shock, initially then that’s understandable (when quickly put right and apologised for and worked out) but this is truly unacceptable and unforgivable. This is wrong of him, your mother and your family. They’re enabling a pedophile. You do not want them around your young child. How could you ever trust them? You’re a mother now with your own family. Cut those ties with your old family and trust in your new. All the best, OP. You’re so strong.

So sorry this happened to you ,Your mum does not deserve to be called a mum she is a disgrace.Tell your brother everything but be prepared for him to side with your mother ,if he does so be it .You carry on with counselling,go no contact with your mother and concentrate on your new little family .Maybe in time you can go to the police and report him .I wish you all the best glad you have a loving partner.

I am sickened reading this OP, a mother's instinct should be to be fiercely protective of her children and your mum let you down so badly. Her lack of support and cruel behaviour would make me not want to have contact with her at all or allow her any contact with my children. She doesn't deserve you.

You have done so well to get to where you are and I'm sure you're a very protective and loving mum. I hope your counselling will help you come to terms with what happened to you - it was absolutely in no way your fault despite what your awful mother says. If you do decide to report him, remember you are not in any way responsible for the fallout - the responsibility is ALL his, and your mother's for enabling him. Look after yourself lovely 💐

Thank you so much to everyone, it is helping me a lot to read your comments because I have never felt understood or helped in any way with this situation.

One poster asked if my brother has kids - no, he doesn’t, but he is engaged and that will likely be on the horizon. It makes me think that’s even more reason to tell him what happened, because at least then he can make his own mind up and have the full facts if he has his own children.

I’m really so sorry this has happened to you. Your mum has behaved horribly to you. My experience is very similar in many ways. My mum is married to a man who is convicted of sexually abusing his own daughter (not me), but I did experience sexual abuse as a child (not by him) and she reacted very similarly when I told her as an adult. Her response was “I always expected this sort of thing from you.” 🙄

As a parent, it boggles the mind how (a) a woman doesn’t care that a man she is with sexually abuses children (in my mum’s case, she believes he did because he told her what happened), and (b) that a mother doesn’t care about her own child being abused. I would rip the bloody head off any man who laid a finger on one of my children.

Therapy has helped, but putting firm boundaries in place has been the most freeing and healing bit. I am no contact with my mum now. There is no way I can have her around my children. She is not a safe person. She has helped facilitate his contact with other children he has abused since they’ve been together. Your mum almost certainly has too, in addition to you, there will be others and she will have offered him a veil of respectability. But towards the end, my mum became quite manipulative and aggressive, spreading lies about Dh and I. The relationship had to end. It has been incredibly healing to walk away on my own terms.

Do continue with the therapy. Do be prepared for everything to blow up when your dd reaches the ages when you were abused. I found that really difficult and I meant I struggled a lot with my mental health during those years. The work you put in now with your therapist will be time well spent when those years come.

And yes, tell your brother. One of the worst things for me was that people knew about my mum’s partner, but no one told me because they feared I’d block him/them from contact with my children. If only I’d known, yes, I would have and my children would not have been put in such a dangerous situation.

He is the one in the wrong here. You were an innocent child and your mother should have protected you. Her behaviour is astonishing and sickening.
She sounds like a terrible mother who was negligent and chose not to protect her daughter.

You could still report the crimes to the police. He has previous convictions and they might look through his devices and find things to have him locked away, even if his crime against you doesn’t go to trial. Would it make you feel better in a way?

You should tell him. It isn’t him that at risk it is another woman’s (his future wife’s) baby. Mother to mother please be honest about the animal who’ll potentially be round the baby.
sincerely wishing you a peaceful life and a happy ever after

Your mother wanted to be in a relationship with this man knowing he was accused of SA a 14 year old girl, he was acquitted. She moved him in knowing there was a big possibility you might not be safe with him in the house. When you told her what he’d done after they had split up she pretended not to believe you. When she started mentioning him again you reminded her of what he’d done and she told you she would side with him and you had obviously encouraged him.

Your mum only loves herself and feeling attractive. She is as evil as her boyfriend she took him back knowing what he did to you! She has no maternal instinct, she is toxic and you deserved a mother who would fight tooth and nail to protect you.

Your precious daughter is lucky she is loved and cherished so don’t ever let that woman back in your’s or your Daughters life.

As for not wanting to cause trouble, how can a victim cause trouble by speaking the truth? By keeping quiet your brother might let his future children stay with them. Your nanny would be heartbroken that you were harmed by him because she loves you. Truth is only trouble to those that deceive

Your mother absolutely disgusts me.

He is a vile specimen with a clear preference for young girls.

No wonder you are struggling- I could not have anything to do with her - u should ask her why she thinks it’s ok to stay in a relationship with this person after what he did?!

sorry this happened to you

I have a very similar story, except it was my 3 half brothers who sexually abused me throughout my childhood.

My realisation also happened when I had my children.

please, please consider reporting this man to the police. I did it and although it didn’t get to court, my main reason for doing so was to protect other potential victims and to have it on record should someone else come forward. I feel better for having done that.

i cut all contact with my mother. She’s now dead and I don’t regret it.

your mother has let you down in the worst way possible. And you already know this, but for your daughter’s sake, you really must cut contact so that he never has any kind of access to your daughter. Please do that for her, if not for yourself.

Like @Quitelikeit your mum disgusts me too, cut her out of your life!

Gosh, I am so sorry this was your experience too. It really is unthinkable isn’t it. I have often wondered what causes people like our mums to stay and support these men. I imagine there are many reasons, maybe insecurity or maybe other things. But I suppose I won’t find peace trying to explore those reasons as only my mum will ever know them

I’m so sorry @ILoveMyCaravan you deserved to have been safe as a child too ❤️

Oh op this is heartbreaking to read,
You never need to have contact with your mum op, please don't,

Her boyfriend abused you, she let you down in a way no mother should, and continued relationship with him, how does she sleep at night ,

Your a mummy now op and you keep your little one safe,

It's so ok for you to go nc explain to brother your reasons and leave it be,
How strong your are op, am so sorry this happened and your mum let you down so badly its truly unforgivable, 💐

Absolutely 100% this OP. (So sorry about the experience with your daughter Saddm).

I cannot believe your mother has behaved in the way she has OP, my heart goes out to you.