Hi,
A lengthy one I'm afraid, but any advice or similar stories very welcome. As per title - trigger warning for sexual abuse so please don't read on if this is an issue.
I am 33, married and have an 18 month old daughter. I live 3 hours away from my mum and dad who split when I was 13.
When I was 14/15, my mum met a new man who quickly moved in with us. I later found out at the time of this man moving in, he was going through a trial for allegedly raping a 14 year old girl. He was found not guilty.
We got on well to begin with. In hindsight, he was a real loser - never had a proper job, was always drinking/had a cocaine problem and was out and about all the time. To me, he was fun - always bought me booze, encouraged me to go out, chatted to me like I was a friend rather than 'telling me off' like my mum did.
However, after some time, he started being inappropriate towards me. This began with simpler things such as asking me if I watched porn and making suggestive comments when my mum wasn't around, but quickly progressed to kissing me and touching me inappropriately. Texting me inappropriate things. Unfortunately, this progressed to him sexually assaulting me on multiple occasions, including getting into bed with me when my mum left for work early. He also frequently gave me alcohol and cocaine when my mum had either gone to bed or was out working and sadly forced himself on me on occasions. He also gave cocaine to my friends and a boyfriend of mine at the time.
All of this came to an end when I was around 17 as I literally made sure I wasn't around him and told him to leave me alone. I went out all the time. They then split up, so I thought that was the end of it. I didn't tell my mum.
When I was 19, she started mentioning him again & it was clear that they were getting back together, so I told her everything. She got upset with me and didn't believe me. She didn't mention him again and we never spoke of it again. I moved away for uni.
Until... When I was 22, she again started mentioning him. I reminded her of what I'd told her a few years before, and she lost the plot. We had a dreadful argument & she said truly awful things to me. She said things like 'you shouldn't make yourself a victim if you don't want to be one', told me she didn't believe me as I'd not acted any differently at the time, and also told me that if I went to the police... 'I know whose side of the courtroom I'd be on, and it's not yours'. She suggested that if those things had happened, it was because I 'egged him on' and I have spent many years blaming myself, feeling ashamed and questioning myself about what happened.
Since that moment, we have basically just not spoken about him and never brought it up again. I told her that I don't ever want to see him again. It's so strange and probably inconceivable to some people, but that's how it is. We exist in a bizarre relationship where we speak weekly, see each other maybe 4/5 times a year and just talk about surface-level things in life, but never bring anything else up.
I am aware through my grandmother than my mum is still in a relationship with this man. They don't live together, but spend most weekends together & go on holidays in the UK. He has children and now has grandchildren. My mum has mentioned him a few times over the years (as in 'I'm going away with X for the week'), but even hearing his name terrifies me and I just ignore that part of what she's said and move on.
My brother (who lives locally) and my grandmother (who lives near my mum) are both aware of what happened. I suspect my brother only knows a small part of the story because he walked in at the end of the huge argument I had with my mum years ago. My dad knows too (although he's useless and we're not really in touch). Nobody ever said anything and nobody has ever asked me if I'm ok, everyone just accepts that this is the way things are.
My issue now is that I am struggling badly. Since the birth of my daughter, I can't stop thinking about what happened. I look at my daughter and I cannot imagine how anyone can behave the way my own mum has. I cannot make sense of her behaviour at all. I find it increasingly difficult to speak to my mum and feel like I'm living this weird half life with her where I don't share anything.
I feel sad because I feel that I can never leave my daughter with her, not now or really ever, because I cannot 100% trust that this man will not be there. I cannot say for sure that she would keep her safe, and I am not prepared to take that risk.
I'm going through counselling so I hope that will help, and my partner is incredible so I'm lucky. But I don't know where to go from here with my mum. I would also like to tell my brother the full story and confide in him, but don't know whether this will open a can of worms that I can't undo. Part of me wants to go to the police, but again, this feels like a huge decision that will blow the whole family apart. I love my grandmother so much and I don't want her to spend her final years in stress and turmoil about the family.
Again, sorry for the huge post. If anyone has any advice or can relate at all, I'd appreciate it.