How do you know if you still matter as a mother?

[SoSadSoSadSoSad]

My ds13 has chosen to go and live with his dad in another country.

I was against this as his dad was abusive long term towards me and towards him verbally in 2023. We split up then. This behaviour has been dismissed as a mental breakdown on his father’s part and his father has worked hard to re-establish the relationship with ds and my other dcs.

For some reason this has become an either or scenario with my ds rejecting me. Refusing to do things with me like baking or golf but happily doing activities with his dad when he comes to visit him.

His dad told me my ds dislikes me, hates living with me and is desperate to go to another school. Confirmed by ds.

I then agreed he should go if that is what he wants, given the resentment he clearly felt. Plus at his school, his poor behaviour there led to his suspension and they said he was heading towards expulsion if he didn’t stop. I think this was a tactic to get to move schools. He’s gone now to a posh private school in the UK. Starts this week.

I wished him every success, said I loved him, told he could visit whenever he wanted but he shouldn’t feel obliged. He just shrugged and was cold as usual.

I am heartbroken. I did not show it. I did not lay any emotional pressure or guilt on him . Kept cheerful. I feel like I have utterly failed. Ofc he didn’t like me as I was doing the drudge of getting him up and out, homework and all the rest.

Where he is now with ex and all his family- I don’t think I matter as his mum. Ds
will be immersed in his new life and embraced by ex’s family which is all good because he will be supported and safe. But I think his bond with me has gone. I’m gutted at how things have turned out.

Obviously I will carry on. Telephone him and text him. Keep things light and friendly but really, the reality is, he’s gone from me. I know he’s a teenager and they’re all like this but this is active and total rejection. He wanted to leave him room here totally bare except his dad couldn’t fit everything in the car.

I wish I could just disappear sometimes. Fold away. I thought I was doing ok, holding it all together after the awful behaviour from my ex. My other dcs are older and are doing their own thing (university, job).

Bump

I don't know what to say except you must be heartbroken. My ex used to threaten that when my eldest was 12 he'd convince him to move, he was hugely abusive to me but court dismissed it as it wasn't against the kids. He's now 13 and it's a huge fear. My one saving grace is that DS gets a lot more freedom here and sees his friends etc. With dad it's all "our time is precious". I'm not sure he'd give up his friends for him.

I think all you can do is what you are doing. Keep lines of communication open, and be there. I suspect he'll soon realise that the rigamarole of daily life is the same anywhere. Something will happen and he'll need his mum. I'm so so sorry you're going through this.

I’m sorry @SoSadSoSadSoSad
all you can do really is to maintain contact in such a way that he knows you are there and that you love him and hopefully when he grows up a bit and matures he will come back to you. It happened with a family friends son around that age - to the point his mother was only allowed to contact her son via solicitors - when he left school and went to uni he realised what he’d done and established “normal” contact with his mum (and she invariably forgave him for what he put her through) x

it doesn’t help my ex is gleeful about this. Really using it against me as an indication of my failure as a mother. My dd tells me my ex badmouths me a lot.

I fear my relationship with ds13 is over. I mean I will keep lines open and always be a steady presence in the background, but I know he won’t come back. The school he’s going to is great and he will flourish there. That’s fine. Great even. But the damage to our relationship with my ex now spinning his narrative means I have lost him. And if that’s only temporary I have still lost time with him in his teenage years. @justaddshallots,it’s great your friend reestablished relationships with her son but all that time lost.

I am so sad. I really don’t stand a chance with his dad who is very manipulative and cruel.

I’m sorry, this is totally heartbreaking.

Im wondering if you can relocate closer?

Your son needs to know that whether this is a mistake or the best decision he has your blessing/support and you’re always there if he wants to come home. You’re right to keep it light for now, but I don’t think there is harm in finding a way to show you miss him. Could
you decorate the bedroom he left and let him know it’s always there for him?

It might be the making of him. Make sure the school have your details - you have PR so should be involved in all decisions, notified of everything going on. If you relocate/ visit his country you will be able to go to matches / prize givings etc

I can’t relocate. I have two of my other dcs here who are committed to this country. I have my job etc.

Ds13 can’t come back really either to live because he has voluntarily given up his place at the state school here. The waiting list is long. It’s a tiny country with not many education options for only Englsh speakers.

Im sure he will thrive at his new school. He will mature too and realise that it is hard for any parent to fulfil their parenting (nagging!) obligations, not just me.

It’s the turning him away and against me that I am so worried about. It’s very painful.

I guess time will tell. I will just be normal and not put any pressure on him. I didn’t know teenagers could be so cold and cruel though. I wonder if it’s n his head it has to be either or and demonise me a bit so that he can rationalise his choice and plough on with it guilt free.

We had to put our dog down just before he left. All of us were really upset but he was stony faced. Didn’t cry or anything. He did care for the dog and stroked her goodbye gently. I’m not judging the way he is grieving but I do wonder if he’s holding onto trauma from what he has observed from his father’s awful behaviour.

I have told him I wish him every success, I’m still his mum and that I am proud of him and that I will always love him. He was blank when I told him that too. I wrote it in a card as well.

But my question is, do you think I just don’t matter to him? Does this happen? Indifference? Distance? Teenagers just need their mum less and less and if I’m not about every day then I will just not be of any importance?

Hi op this is utterly heartbreaking and my worst nightmare. I hope where you live isn’t too far from the uk so it’s affordable to see son regularly.
I can see the type this father is and know the abusive traits and it’s like love bombing or narcissistic grooming he’ll be doing on your son now. It’s hard to compete with that!

the only way you can handle this is to try to reframe it all And not let your ex dictate the ‘meaning’ that you attribute to this.

try to think of it like this. Lots of teen boys want to spread their wings a bit and might gravitate towards dad and men more at this age, this is quite normal (I know it’s not normal to also reject mother so blatantly but this is ‘splitting’ in psychology and he is unconsciously doing it as it’s a clear condition of acceptance from his dad and a survival technique while living with him). It’s also normal in some circles for children to go away to boarding school at 13 - although parents usually choose this, they still miss their kids and they are no less parents as they don’t live with them in term time.

with all of that in mind, all you can do is tell your son you respect his choice and you look forward to hearing about his new school and seeing him in the holidays. Be consistent with your unconditional love and keep the door open.

At some point the dad’s mask will split and son will realise.

you also need to not bite and let ex know that this is hurting you. Keep communication BIFF and child focused. Make sure you email the new school letting them know you’re an involved mum with parental responsibility and you’d like to attend all parents evenings virtually and be on the mailing list.

make sure you explicitly tell your children lots of times ‘you don’t have to choose between us, you can love us both and any adult issues are between your father and I as adults to work out and you shouldn’t be worrying about them, you just need to worry about being children, trying hard at school and being kind people.’

as pp have said this school could give him excellent opportunities.

Look at Jaime Liang talking with his mum on podcasts he adores her and she sent him to boarding school at 8!

I think your DS had to choose. I mean he chose wrongly because he’s a child.

To choose his Dad he has to dissociate from you to cope.

I hope he is ok, I hope he gets therapy, I hope he comes back to a relationship with you.

I know the love and good parenting you poured into him will help keep him alive and sane when the scales fall from his eyes.

💐

Yes but he didn’t have a father who is so keen to have him live with him that he regards it as a triumph. A win. And is happy when the son says he dislikes me.

Hi OP,
I'm sorry things are so rough and you are hurting.

Teenagers can have a lot going on in their heads and take it out on their parents. Your son has an extra layer of complication with the geographical distance between parents and the separation.

I saw on my 16 year old son's phone tabs "Can I cut contact with my parents". Slight sting yes but I brought it up in conversation and he looked sheepish and said "yes I was pissed off with you and dad". I responded with a light sarcasm saying "You can cut contact with anyone you like but you can't then expect them to spend all their time running you around or all their money on you - can you decide before you go to university because me and dad are trying to work out his we will subsidise you £1000 a month and that will take the pressure off." He knows this was a light loving sarcasm. I told him we all get pissed off with each other at times and feel like walking off but we calm down and forgive each other. If we go round cutting ties we will have no support system when we need it.

I think it is a very normal part of development. I have read about it as nature has to find a reason why a young adult would leave a comfortable home to spread their wings and their genes.

You are being very selfless to "keep it light" and respect his decision as you have described but do make sure he knows that you miss him very much and your home is always his home too. You don't want him to believe that you were fine with him leaving.

Where I do think you are mistaken is thinking the future of your son and his dad will be smooth sailing. His father has a history of abusive behaviour and your son struggling with his emotions and was on the cusp of expulsion from school.

I expect there will be a honeymoon period that might even last a year or two but your son and his dad will eventually come up against the usual difficulties of parenting teenagers and this time you and your home might be the place of refuge while dad tries to set boundaries around study/work/disrespect/tidying room/drinking/drugs/curfews etc etc.
They haven't both suddenly had personality transplants - wherever you go there you are. Your son will need you in the future.

He really hated the school here. He wanted to go to a private school. I can’t afford that. Ex h says he can.

I can’t compete with ex h in this area. I expect the mask will slip - it always does - but I doubt ds will want to give up his school.

I'm not clear is your ex in the small country with limited school options or are you?

Me.

So is it more that your son feels constrained by opportunities where you are than that he particularly wants to live with his dad?

@SoSadSoSadSoSad I mean he has chosen wrongly to pick his father’s narrative, and to see you as the enemy.

The school is the huge juicy carrot.

Your ex won’t allow your DS to have a narrative of you of anything but the evil enemy, the route of all his unhappiness. At some level your DS knows that isn’t true but he has to diss associate with that to go along with it to live with his father.

It will be a long haul.

Constrained. I mean, the school is fine. My other dcs were fine there. They used to go to the private school here but ex put an end to that bc of the split.

Ds13 was very involved in his sport club here too. He was doing well there too. He’s academically capable and was scoring well on tests.

He just felt the school wasn’t good enough.

But that isn’t all. It became a nasty discussion with ex h telling me ds can’t stand me, can’t stand living with me and is desperate to leave. Ds confirmed all this as he was in the same room when ex h shouted all this. That’s when I said he could go given his strongly negative feelings. I was very hurt and shocked by all this.

Ex h can suddenly afford private school for ds13 but won’t pay for ds16 to have the same unless he moves to the UK as well.

It’s all so loaded with parental competition and triumph and ‘winning’ which has affected me horribly. And our relationship.

didn’t want ds13 to live with his dad because I know how aggressive his dad can be at the flip of a switch. I tried to find room at state boarding schools in the UK but there are none.

A long haul as in my ds will see me in this negative light for good? As the one who tried to block his attending this amazing school? Block his progress?

I was tempted to show him the recordings of his father’s abuse that my older dcs took but I didn’t want to traumatise him again.

Your ex hasn’t suddenly had a personality transplant. His abusive , controlling behaviour will resurface once they are out of the honeymoon period. Leave the door open your son will want to come home. He can stay in school and come to you in the holidays.

OP I remember your other post and feel so sad for you. It truly is heartbreaking and you must feel so so hurt 😢 I think you have done the only thing you can do by allowing your son to go and live with his dad and by telling him how much you love him and he will always have a home with you if he chooses. He may not have shown any response but he will have taken it in.

It sounds like your son feels that in order to curry favour with his abusive father, he has to reject you. He's only 13 and having to negotiate these adult relationships is so hard at that age. He doesn't have the emotional maturity to deal with it.

Keep the communication open with him, keep it light and cheerful and be encouraging about his new school. I understand how heartbroken you are but play the long game. Don't lose hope - as he matures, he may well change in his attitude towards you, especially when his abusive father shows his true colours which he will. There's every hope of you having a better relationship in the future, hold on to that. And encourage a relationship with his older siblings as this may have a good influence on him too.

It will be a long haul until your DS can see through your ex abuse.

If he ever does.

I'm not a mother but I read your post and found it really hurtful just reading it...this must be incredibly hard for you. Wanted to send you all my love and just say please keep doing what you are doing. I really think your son will come back to you in the end and it's just a matter of playing the long game. Think he's seeing this re-established relationship with his father as something shiny and new and the true reality has not yet set in. Keep being his mum and I promise in time he will see YOU for the true stability and cornerstone of his life that you have always been. Best wishes