How do you know if you still matter as a mother?

[SoSadSoSadSoSad]

My ds13 has chosen to go and live with his dad in another country.

I was against this as his dad was abusive long term towards me and towards him verbally in 2023. We split up then. This behaviour has been dismissed as a mental breakdown on his father’s part and his father has worked hard to re-establish the relationship with ds and my other dcs.

For some reason this has become an either or scenario with my ds rejecting me. Refusing to do things with me like baking or golf but happily doing activities with his dad when he comes to visit him.

His dad told me my ds dislikes me, hates living with me and is desperate to go to another school. Confirmed by ds.

I then agreed he should go if that is what he wants, given the resentment he clearly felt. Plus at his school, his poor behaviour there led to his suspension and they said he was heading towards expulsion if he didn’t stop. I think this was a tactic to get to move schools. He’s gone now to a posh private school in the UK. Starts this week.

I wished him every success, said I loved him, told he could visit whenever he wanted but he shouldn’t feel obliged. He just shrugged and was cold as usual.

I am heartbroken. I did not show it. I did not lay any emotional pressure or guilt on him . Kept cheerful. I feel like I have utterly failed. Ofc he didn’t like me as I was doing the drudge of getting him up and out, homework and all the rest.

Where he is now with ex and all his family- I don’t think I matter as his mum. Ds
will be immersed in his new life and embraced by ex’s family which is all good because he will be supported and safe. But I think his bond with me has gone. I’m gutted at how things have turned out.

Obviously I will carry on. Telephone him and text him. Keep things light and friendly but really, the reality is, he’s gone from me. I know he’s a teenager and they’re all like this but this is active and total rejection. He wanted to leave him room here totally bare except his dad couldn’t fit everything in the car.

I wish I could just disappear sometimes. Fold away. I thought I was doing ok, holding it all together after the awful behaviour from my ex. My other dcs are older and are doing their own thing (university, job).

And just to add..you absolutely do matter and you always will. Nothing and no one can replace a mother's love x

OP I am sending you strength. As you've said be normal, be available, be loving.

He'll see the truth. He loves you.

He's a young person also psychologically and emotionally manipulated and abused.
It's not your fault. It's not your DS's fault.
Be kind to yourself.

Just know that he is your son ALWAYS.

You have him and he has you.

Tell him you miss him and he's welcome to change his mind whenever it might come up. And leave it at that.
You're his constant, his Mum.

My situation was/ is similar and my 2 DS have chosen not to see ex after years of push and pull. I feel for you. Nothing can take your son away.

Keep the lines of communication open. He will return to you.

Thank you.

But I just don’t feel that he has any bond or connection with me. He’s indifferent. It’s painful. And it will be compounded by his father.

I just have to accept that. He’s gone to live with his dad. I can’t afford the travel costs to see him very often. I will let him get on with it and just keep checking in, chatting and engaged.

I hate it but if he’s happier, then so be it.

Thank you.

i just feel like I don’t. That I’ve been the problem standing in the way of ds’s preferences.

And it does hurt. All my dcs know what my ex did and he scared them witless too. But it doesn’t seem to matter. It’s so hard for them to navigate. He had lots of money so I guess that is seductive too.

OP perhaps the indifference is a coping mechanism or, simply a mask. He's 13 and he is not indifferent to his mother.

What's happening has been led, probably for a long time, by his father. He may feel (consciously or not) that he has no choice - that he'll experience more punishment if he refuses/declines.

There will likely be positives for him in going, thankfully.

Being there, DS will come to see his father clearly, in time.

You do matter, now more than ever.

We have had this with dss also 13. When his mum in in earshot he will say exactly what she has said to him and what she wants to hear -which is that his dad, my DH, is terrible and he doesn’t like being at our house etc etc. When he’s here or she can’t hear him on the phone he is fine, loving and happy. It’s parental alienation and it’s so hard for the child to either recognise it or go against it. They aren’t Mature enough to be able to recognise or emotionally manage the fact that one of their parents, who should love them and want whats best for them, is acting selfishly and in a way that is actually harmful to them. So they just start to shut down the safe parent who they know will not punish them in any way for feeling love for their alienating parent.
It’s very hard to unpick, you just have to hope the scales fall from their eyes as they grow up a bit. You are doing all the right things and everything you can do. I send you lots of love-it’s heartbreaking.