How to ask for more foreplay and discuss climaxing differences?

[YesYesIDid]

Posting here rather than specifically on the sex topic as I know a lot of people may avoid reading over there, but it is a sex one really...

Recently re-connected with an old flame and having a lot of fun so far, we get on well and I find him very physically attractive...although I've made it clear that I'm not looking for anything more serious with him and he seems ok with that.

The sex itself is actually fantastic (which shocked me quite a bit given that I've just had a hysterectomy, have endometriosis, and last time I tried with a previous partner I was in horrendous pain!) However I have two minor-ish issues...

One is that he never seems to climax, ever. He just kind of stops, and is then ready to go again not long after. He seems happy enough with being like that and is definitely enjoying himself otherwise but I suppose on that point I was just curious.

Also I'd quite like him to spend more time on foreplay... don't get me wrong I'm more than ready to have sex when it happens but selfishly I'd like him to give me a bit more attention where it matters, but just not sure what to say! If it helps it's not like I've exactly returned the favour either as we just kind of get straight into the main event... I know I should just come out and say it but what if it's something he doesn't do?!

selfishly I'd like him to give me a bit more attention - that's not selfish.
just not sure what to say - tell him what you've told us
what if it's something he doesn't do - then he's a dickhead

You know here is the DIY section?

Maybe she's thinking that will be our suggestion?

The Sex topic is restricted to longer term users, for a very good reason, this should probably be moved unless the poster is so new they can't post in Sex, in which case they shouldn't be posting it.

So... you think that not enough people can advise on sex in the sex forum, but your mind went straight to posting in the property forum in order to get an abundance of sex advice?

Not much logic there, is there...

Oh come on, it's very clearly a mistake and I meant to post in relationships! Clicked on the wrong button - I've asked it to be moved

That wasn’t clear at all.

Not clear at all, since you very clearly stated you were posting here instead of the sex forum!

Anyway, you should be posting it in the sex forum, not even the relationship forum. Some people just really don't care to read about your climaxing issues. Hence there's a sex forum.

Clearly not given what you say in the first line of your post. Maybe you're as confusing in bed as you are online. Try saying what you mean and want, that might help you in all scenarios.

IT WAS MEANT TO BE POSTED IN RELATIONSHIPS

THAT WASN'T CLEAR

Morning, OP. We've moved this over to Relationships now.

Also I'd quite like him to spend more time on foreplay... I'd like him to give me a bit more attention where it matters.. I know I should just come out and say it but what if it's something he doesn't do?!

Are you talking about oral sex? You seem to be like vaguely alluding to things rather than simply speaking plainly, which I guess is part of the problem?

"Hey Mike, I would like you to go down on me"
"No, that's not what I do"
"Ok, in that case, we shouldn't be seeing each other anymore"

Will this work?

Honestly, you just need to come out and say it. There is no other way as he is not going to read your mind.

I know I should just come out and say it but what if it's something he doesn't do?!
Then you know? And can make a decision if that's a dealbreaker for you.

Remember, this is the early stages of dating, you're both figuring it out if it's got legs, and what you like & want is as important as what he likes & wants.

It's not just about getting him to like you, but whether you like him and whether you're a good match.

It's better to say something now in the early stages when you're learning each other than try to bring it up later after months or years of unsatisfactory sex.

Are you really referring to PIV as the main event, if so, do you climax from that? If not, then slow everything down, move out of his way rather than joining in.

Ask him with a smile how he plans to pleasure you next and take it from there.

If as I think from reading your post. he doesn’t appear to climax either , then I’d encourage you to have a conversation at a time when you will be less tempted to jump on each other and work out what you need to do to ensure you both climax.

not easy, but very very simple.

The problem is the sex board is 92% male posters (and male posters pretending to be women) waiting for some woman to post something sexual so they can blether about sex (or wank, or both).

We aren't allowed our own board as women to discuss sex.

@FinallyHere yes that's what I meant, and no I can't, never have. The only way I ever have (other than with toys) is through oral and even then it takes forever...

With his situation I'm not curious really as it doesn't seem like he can't, just that he doesn't want to!

I laughed and laughed when I saw this originally got posted in the Property forum, OP. Thank you for that. 💖

If you're curious about why he's not climaxing, I'd bring it up during sex, like "I want to make you come", - sexy rather than confrontational. He'll have to respond some way.

I have slept with a few men who do this though, and I think of it more as a skill than an issue.

Has he never gone down on you? Have you never gone down on him? I'm confused here. I would expect that giving him a blow job would get the same in return. I often find men will do some "going down on you elaborately to show how into you I am" thing within three sex dates. Maybe it's in the post.

Personally, I would raise it when in a very neutral environment ... eg driving somewhere together during the day.

I would be casual but plain speaking like the others who have quoted what to say above.

"When we have sex, I'd like us to spend longer on foreplay before having full sex, would you be up for that?" and then perhaps explain why ... it enhances the experience for you, it gets you more turned on an ready, it makes you feel more connected to him etc etc.

@TerracottaWorrier to say that I was utterly mortified was an understatement, especially when I prefaced it with why I wasn't posting on the sex board FFS!

I don't think his situation is an issue for either of us (except maybe when he keeps waking me up for the next round and I'm up early for work!) it was more my curiosity I suppose!

I've only been with him a handful of times this time round and we usually end up having a couple of drinks and then it's a kind of can't wait to just get down to it sort of thing (surprising after 20 years!). I guess I'm now wanting something a bit more romantic than that...

Have you been on the sex board? it's full of pervy men wanting cyber sex. Very strange place.

It sounds as if you're ready for a relationship now and he's not the one for that. He just woke you up a bit.

@gamerchick I kind of switch between wanting a relationship and saying never again - the company (and regular sex) would be nice but the thought of being serious with anyone again fills me with dread. Regardless though, he is not the love of my life and I know that for certain!

Or you just feel safe with him and it's easier to try and build on it? The unknown and new people can fee a bit peopley and effort.

Maybe you need a chat and see where the land lies.

I think he could see us being in a proper relationship, but if I didn't know him already he's the last person I would go for... we're very mismatched in terms of work, lifestyle, etc.