Husband will not seek more help for erectile dysfunction or discuss sex

[BlueJellycat]

Me and dh have been married for 25 years. He is 51 and has been having erectile disfunction for a while but completely unable to get a errection for two years now.

I have asked him repeatedly to go to the Dr and he did about 6 months ago. Was given some tablets but they didn't work. Before this he was buying tablets off love honey but they didn't work either. The Dr said if this didn't work he could try injections. They would be into his privates so he will never go for that.

He still tries to initiate sex, but I have told him he needs to go back to the gp. He doesn't do anything to try to seduce me or date nights etc. Just suggests sex which is often disappointing. He does do other things in bed but I struggle to get past him not seeking more help. I get he is embarrassed but I feel I'm not worth him feeling uncomfortable for. This with lack of seduction and only touching me when we have sex isn't working for me.

I tried talking to him yesterday and he is always instantly making excuses in difficult conversations. So he tried to think of reasons to explain it away and shut the conversation down like " I will go back to the Dr" when he has only gone once in two years. Then when I pointed that out he gets louder so I feel like he is shutting me down.

He clearly still wants sex, but just shit sex on his terms with no conversations on how to improve things. I'm 52 and my desire for sex is zero as it is. But trying to find a solution for his sake. The conversation ended with him shouting at me. I asked if we could talk but it's always me bringing up the fact he can't get it up but I can't solve that.

Right now the options are shit sex that doesn't work for me or nothing. Ie everything on his terms. I'd happily never have sex again after years of this. He'd rather that than talk about it.

He did have a Hbca1? Of close to pre diabetes. Dispite him having random blood glucose always over 7, I think his Hbca1 is still below diabetes. He had no idea what diabetes is and still think that's why he is on statins

So he initiates sex but every time he can't have sex so you just stop? If he can't have an erection or an orgasm why is he initiating?

Statins shouldn't prevent him getting an erection, he really needs to go back to the Dr to sort himself out. It's ridiculous to be reluctant when it's obvious it's causing marital problems.

No we don't stop. We carry on but there is no piv or orgasim for him. Obviously I don't just get up and say it's not working for me and leave him for a cup of tea. I just dont take his offer up the next time. Like I say if we could never do piv again that would be OK if there was a discussion about it and how to go forward together both getting what we needed out of sex. But it's not just the ED. It's the non discussion of it as well.

He is possibly thinking it's just a phase. I'm thinking two years it's unlikely to self resolve.

Can your husband orgasm in ways other than piv?

Jesus Christ. OP this is your one precious life!

I know! The only saving grace is not stopping me from getting a new bloke. I'm absolutely 100% sure I'd never be interested in a relationship ever again.

I have said to him today that if he was free single and dating, what would he do for a new woman? He couldn't answer that. Possibly because there is swarm of woman who would be happier than me with this.

To be honest, ED is a medical condition and those saying ‘LTB’ aren’t being very sympathetic. Nor are you op. It’s really difficult for men to admit their manly parts aren’t working like they should. Yes he should seek help but even Viagra etc isn’t a miracle cure. He still has to he aroused for it to work.

If he’s doing other things and trying to please you then the intention is obviously there. He is trying to find ways to be intimate. Personally I would try being a bit more patient and understanding. He does need to do something about it but I feel like the replies would be very different if the op was a man complaining about his wife not being able to fulfil his wishes due to a medical condition.

Why must people always claim that the replies would be very different if the sexes were reversed.?

'He is a real avoider of difficult conversations. He would just rather pretend its not happening than actually face a issue.'

'So he tried to think of reasons to explain it away and shut the conversation down like " I will go back to the Dr" when he has only gone once in two years. Then when I pointed that out he gets louder so I feel like he is shutting me down.'

Its not just about sex is it?! Its about yet another woman wasting her life in a shit relationship.

He said the Dr told him there are other options if this didn't work. But he hasn't gone back. He isn't looking into any medical underlying issues. He is just ignoring it. That's the issue. I could have all the sympathy in the world if he would talk about and not asking for sex when I'm telling him I'm not happy with said sex.

I shouldn't feel obliged out of pity. Because it's sex. I'd wipe his bum if he was in a wheelchair but surely sex is different as it's sex? Not talking about it makes me feel uncomfortable and therefore shameful and that doesn't turn me on..I do wonder if that is a me problem. I need to submit out of pity? Because he is ill? Do I need to pity shaggy all the men out there who can't get sex for whatever reason? I'm more than just a wank sock. I can't turn off my feelings and take it like a fox or dog.

To me this sounds like as much a psychological problem as a physical one, for you both.

OP, you shouldn't have to take it, either through pity or resignation to shut him up. What you both need is an adult conversation where you both discuss the issue and the likelihood that this is health related and could be improved by lifestyle changes and meds that help E.D.
I would be very clear that you wish to see the GP with him to discuss it and for him to understand what his meds are for and what he can do to help his long standing ED.
Can you explain to him that his health is at risk and that this is a symptom and needs treating and that you wish to support him? Burying his head in the sand is not going to change things for either of you. If he blatantly refuses l think you know the solution.

I entirely agree you shouldn’t have sex out of pity. Essentially - he can’t have sex and you don’t want sex so surely the way forward is to continue with no sex.

If he complains you can point out he can’t do it anyway.

Totally agree with this. Sex sounds like it is very fraught, and so it's no wonder he can't respond as you would like.

The only solution here IMO is couple's counseling, so you can both learn to take the heat out of it.

You are putting unreasonable requirements on this. This needs to be something you tackle together. Viagra is unlikely to work on his own, so if you haven't tried it together, then it's impossible to know if it will work.

If you want to end this relationship, that's fine. But you aren't being kind or reasonable in your approach to his ED.

Reflecting on this I do wonder if he is depressed.
His lack of interest in doing anything to help could be an indicator.
Erectile dysfunction is not uncommon.
However for men it is their manhood.
There is a sense of shame in this and while as women we may criticise this we do not live in a man’s body so it is important to be measured.
i wonder if you changed approach to saying shall we go for a walk etc and working with him to change lifestyle may assist things.
With weight and other issues he may be feeling low in himself.
Not sure if this is helpful.

It’s always difficult to tell via posts, but your communication mutually sounds disastrous. It may be better than it sounds, and it may be that he’s so much in the habit of shutting things down so quickly, but I also feel as if the way you describe how you are putting this forward sounds quite aggressive and as if you are presenting very absolute options without ever talking a bit more broadly.

It certainly sounds as if he is burying his head in the sand a bit, but from what you are saying I wonder if he is doing things that others might regard as really good, like lots of oral sex for you? You don’t have to share the detail but he is trying something if he still wants sex. Or is he just trying what used to result in an erection but doesn’t any more?

To me this screams a need for a third party to help you talk to each other. He’s never going to organise that so I’d be very tempted to just tell him that I felt talking wasn’t working and that I’d like to book an online couples counsellor. Ask him if he’d prefer a male or a female, and what time of day - give him some choices.

I’m still really confused about what sexual contact has actually been occurring between you.

But TBH his health problems are going to dwarf the sex problems soon anyway and you will come to resent that he didn’t care enough about you to try to resolve them.

You need to tell him it’s counselling or the end of your relationship.

Yes, I was coming here to say this too:

"TBH his health problems are going to dwarf the sex problems soon anyway and you will come to resent that he didn’t care enough about you to try to resolve them."

Yes, he will suffer if he gets a stroke or heart attack or a non-healing wound that doesn't kill him, but so will you, OP. YOU will be the one sitting at his hospital bedside, nursing him at home, cleaning him, taking him to one doctor after the next, and doing all domestic and mental work as well as working. It's very hard, grinding, and exhausting to be a carer.

It's one thing if someone becomes disabled because they have unlucky genetics or had an accident. It's not their fault. It's quite another to refuse to seek medical attention while being hypertensive, pre-diabetic, and overweight and then getting a stroke that means you will not be able to walk and/or talk and will need years of rehabilitation.

My pigheaded FIL was like this. He literally ignored his own towering BP while he himself was a practising medical doctor (!!!) and boom, at 56 he had his first stroke. Unbelievably, that didn't teach him either. He avoided taking his medications - because they made him sleepy - until the whole family was on his case, then he pretended to take them. So then he had his second stroke, which rendered him unable to speak properly for 6 months. A third stroke took out his ability to walk properly. Then he had a stomach rupture because he was mixing alcohol with his medications. Then he fell and had a painful nonhealing sore for a year... It just went on and on and on. The whole family suffered, but especially MIL. He only started complying when she threatened to put him in an old folk's home - she had the papers drawn up and everything. He made it to 79, which was a miracle of medicine, but he was really really unwell and extremely unhappy and depressed for the last 6-7 years.

It made everyone, including my H, very upset with him, and utterly determined to do the maximum possible to live healthily and seek medical care as much as possible, to spare their own partners and families from having to go through this.

Honestly, OP, what your H is doing is utterly reckless, not just with his own health and longevity but also your quality of life.

Without being too graphic what’s he doing/wanting during sex if he can’t get an erection, no PIV and no orgasm.

does he basically just want to play with your body?

Has the OP said he can't reach orgasm? Even without an erection, which would make PIV impossible, some men can still finish, so maybe that's why he still keeps instigating sex.

I don't get it. Why is he asking for sex when he knows he won't be able to have the sex he's asking for? What happens when you agree? What does he actually do? Just fail?