Husband will not seek more help for erectile dysfunction or discuss sex

[BlueJellycat]

Me and dh have been married for 25 years. He is 51 and has been having erectile disfunction for a while but completely unable to get a errection for two years now.

I have asked him repeatedly to go to the Dr and he did about 6 months ago. Was given some tablets but they didn't work. Before this he was buying tablets off love honey but they didn't work either. The Dr said if this didn't work he could try injections. They would be into his privates so he will never go for that.

He still tries to initiate sex, but I have told him he needs to go back to the gp. He doesn't do anything to try to seduce me or date nights etc. Just suggests sex which is often disappointing. He does do other things in bed but I struggle to get past him not seeking more help. I get he is embarrassed but I feel I'm not worth him feeling uncomfortable for. This with lack of seduction and only touching me when we have sex isn't working for me.

I tried talking to him yesterday and he is always instantly making excuses in difficult conversations. So he tried to think of reasons to explain it away and shut the conversation down like " I will go back to the Dr" when he has only gone once in two years. Then when I pointed that out he gets louder so I feel like he is shutting me down.

He clearly still wants sex, but just shit sex on his terms with no conversations on how to improve things. I'm 52 and my desire for sex is zero as it is. But trying to find a solution for his sake. The conversation ended with him shouting at me. I asked if we could talk but it's always me bringing up the fact he can't get it up but I can't solve that.

Right now the options are shit sex that doesn't work for me or nothing. Ie everything on his terms. I'd happily never have sex again after years of this. He'd rather that than talk about it.

You need to leave. This is never going to fix itself and he’s showing himself unwilling to do anything about it to try and change. Your feelings are not important enough to him to even seek proper help or to try and improve things for you, and the resentment is going to build.

Leave. If he says he’s going to fix it, let him do that, but still leave.

You have a choice, stay and put up with no sex or leave because he won't go to seek more help. He is putting embarrassment and fear ahead of your sex life.

I told him that he is prioritising his embarrassment over my needs. He is a real avoider of difficult conversations. He would just rather pretend its not happening than actually face a issue.

I think because of this over the years sex feels shameful and dirty as its not ok to talk about it. Or talk about what I want. I'd happily never have sex ever again right now. I have told him that he has only got a short window because woman change with menopause. If I feel like this now, I can't see my feelings improving when my periods stop. What if I then can no longer have sex? Would I be expected to see the gp?

Ì think he is quite young relatively for this, but he isn't going to solve it by us splitting up. It also makes me feel unattractive. It's not like it's occasionally. He was unable to sustain a errection for years but now he consistently can not get one at all. It would have been better to go back to the Dr when the first tablets didn't work. I'm not 100% convinced he really went to the gp at all

Has he ever had blood tests to check for low testosterone as that can be treated. What were the tablets he took, presumably viagra or similar? How is his health and fitness overall as erectile dysfunction can be a symptom of other issues, diabetes, heart disease etc.
Perhaps you could attend a GPs appointment with him if you are concerned he didn't actually attend at all although from what you have said l doubt he'd agree. If not l think you have every right to say no to shit sex until he agrees to pursue treatment and to be fully open with you about it.

I'm really sorry you're going through this — it sounds incredibly frustrating and lonely. ED is so common, but the refusal to talk about it or get help makes it much harder.

Have you tried a calm, non-blaming conversation where you focus on how the lack of intimacy is affecting you and the relationship, rather than the ED itself? Something like: “I miss being close to you in every way, and I feel rejected when we can’t even discuss it.

”Many men shut down because of embarrassment or fear it makes them “less of a man.” Reassure him that you love him and want to work on it together (e.g. GP visit, Relate/couples counselling, or even just exploring non-penetrative intimacy for now).

If he still won’t engage at all, you may need to be clearer about how important this is to you and what you need going forward. You’re not being unreasonable for wanting a fulfilling sex life in your marriage.

Sending you strength — you’re not alone with this. I'm open to chat about it :)

DH had surgery that affected his erections and has used Cialis 10mg with some success. I am meeting his frustration with softness and patience (neither natural to me). Unpopular opinion but I have found ChatGPT very good in helping me understand how to handle this.

I have no idea what the tablets are. He just said the Dr said it will work but there are higher strengths. It didn't work and that was it. I asked him to get a PSA test as he said he was up peeing in the night. He said he asked fir that but didn't mention any other blood tests. He is 18 stone at 5, 8 so very overweight. Again if we talk about his weight he is "going to start a diet next week" and any attempt at further conversations gets him defensive. High BP, on meds and on satins. Was almost pre diabetic but thought that was what the stations was for - so very little interest in his health or why / how medication works. I would be willing to go with him to the gp but not sure how to try to have another conversation with him.

He is more receptive if I turn it into my problem..but I can't go to the gp and ask them to test me. So if I say is it me? Don't I turn you on? He will be reassuring. But if we move onto "what are going to do about it then? That's when he gets his back up.i do worry about his cardiovascular health. He would 100% be the type to die of a heart attack at 55 rather than face the reality. He is always going to sort out his weight / health / sex life...... later......

Yet when I have a problem with my fanny, breast lumps / periods I go that month. I've had more people look at my boob's then he did one year.

Honestly OP, he is in full avoidance mode. The Dr would have encouraged him to lose weight and may well have prescribed tablets for his high BP. He would definitely have been advised to exercise. Also, if he was prescribed Statins they are for high cholesterol.
I'm guessing your husband didn't mention the ED at all and course these health issue could well contribute to his problem. I would insist on a trip to the Dr's together so you can get the full picture.

I'm a bit confused OP, you say you have zero interest in sex anyway and are just 'trying to find a solution for his sake' so what happens if you just say no when he initiates? Does he push, sulk, get angry or what? Would it actually be an issue for you if that side of your marriage was over? I'm just wondering what he would do if you just said no, every time, would that motivate him to do something about it do you think?

He’s not obliged to take drugs just so you can have sex you say you don’t want anyway.

I’d be more concerned about his obesity and high BP tbh.

But he keeps on asking for sex. He wants the sex, yet he is the one who can't have the sex he is after. He either need to sort out is wrong or accept isn't going to happen.

I might be more open to sex if it wasn't always crap. Neither of us is in the wrong for wanting what we want, but it shouldn't override what I want. I'm open to zero sex, or ok sex. But not a lifetime of crap sex because it makes it feel one sided.

if he’s on certain meds it will give him ED. My ex was on diabetes meds and had it because of them.

If he can lose weight your problems could well be solved. And his risk of a stroke or heart attack drastically reduced.

So i’d suggest you both focus on health and well-being and dont mention sex. Feel free to decline his advances if it’s just annoying. Frame it as getting healthy together. for example menopausal women need weight bearing exercise for bone strength. so i’d start with saying that. and what you’d like to do about it and you need his support. join a gym together or lift small weights at home with him motivating or spotting you.

Get to the GP for bloods, and see what he wants to do about unhealthy food or lack of exercise or whatever it is thats making him fat and both of you do it and your e etcises togetjer to “keep my motivation up”. Stop buying crap. No great big bags of crisps or family size packs of biscuits.

He does know that he needs good blood flow to the penis for it to maintain hardness? The blood vessels go through the prostate and are obviously being strangled by the prostate, probably meaning he has an enlarged prostate at best and probably why he's peeing a lot as the bladder isn't emptying correctly. If not he should have a PSA blood test immediately and a physical prostate exam ASAP.
Along with his other medical issues this guy could be another male statistic in 12 months. If he doesn't take this seriously.

If he's taking meds for high BP then the chances are he will have erectile problems.

So if you're open to no sex what would happen if you did just start saying no every time he initiates? At least that would be within your power and stop the one sided feeling for you, and maybe it might give him a kick to address his health issues? It just sounds from your posts like you need to take back some agency here and tbh it might do him good to know how it feels when someone else unilaterally decides his sex life for him the way he is currently deciding yours 🤷🏻‍♀️

But what does this shit sex look like? If he is completely unable to get an erection what is he doing?

If your DH wants sex but can’t have PIV due to his ED, would he be open to the both of you doing some research yourselves?
There are alternatives to the meds he was prescribed. Cialis make a low dose daily tablet that may be more effective.

If he wants things to improve then he needs to take some agency for that. Improving his overall health may also help with the ED.

But at this point, you need to think about it being more than the sex side. He isn’t considering your feelings. He is unwilling to talk to you about an issue that affects you too.

Is this a theme throughout your marriage?

Precisely what he needs to do.

What's the relationship like otherwise? If he stops pestering you with his crap sex and you stopped altogether, is everything else fulfilling?

It would be shame to split if the relationship is otherwise good and if you're both happy with the sex part not happening anymore.

He wants the sex, yet he is the one who can't have the sex he is after.

Have you said that to him? Just tell him sex is off the table until he sorts his ED out, if that doesn’t motivate him nothing will.

If he cant get an erection then you can be sure he has more serious vascular problems that could kill him. These are better sorted sooner not later to avoid death so why wont he seek help or referral to the vascular team?

He said he asked the gp for a PSA test. Would the gp have discussed prostate and vascular disease with him? Both of these was my first thoughts.

'Ì think he is quite young relatively for this, but he isn't going to solve it by us splitting up.'

He is definitely young for this. One of my partners is 62 with none of those issues. I'm 50 and still love sex.

You're right in that splitting up won't make him solve this problem. But it would release you from a miserable situation which is going to get worse.

He 'gets loud' in order to shut down uncomfortable conversations?

Fuck that. Take your life back and leave.

His overweight, high blood pressure etc will have an impact on this. Check the side effects of the medication he is on in the first place.
The NHS is not good with intimate problems as they don’t necessarily see it as an illness whether you agree or not is different.
it may be if he looks after his own health then his body will look after him.

Yes I have said that to him. After I completely blanked his last two advances. That's another irritating aspect. There's no thought process of of "why is she is saying no? I think I will ask her why is she isn't jumping on me? What could I do to fix this?: just complete denial. This conversation has come up repeatedly in the last two years.

He would happier dieing of a heart attack tomorrow than talking to the Dr I suspect. He is getting the mindset of elderly parent who refuses to accept help.

I'd be OK with no piv sex again IF we had a frank conversation about sex and expectations. Eg as presume he can't orgasim. I asked if he can get a errection on his own. He can't. So there's no conversation about how this will work.

He is good bloke. I love him but there's definitely tendency to deflect things and I suspect he would be happy if this was a me problem. He definitely has little purchase in his life. Nothing seems within his control. His mum ripped into me years ago pulling me and calling me a bitch when I was pregnant. Rather than cause conflict he did nothing at all. So ignore it, people will forget and it will go away type. Or "I'm sorry YOU feel that way" type. Not I'm sorry I made you feel that way" person.

It's my perspective at fault

Is he diabetic? This can cause ED.