Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My parents insecurity

46 replies

Craig2288 · 08/04/2026 23:47

My partner and I have been together three years and have not long got engaged. We are going to move in together soon and she wants an agreement drawn up to protect her assets and also a pre nup when we get married. She has codes on her phone and a camera in her office. It’s now came to light that her kids are to be power of attorney and not me. She said it’s because it’s only for when we are older but as I said anything could happen anytime. She’s mistrusting after her last marriage but says she trusts me. I was going to make her my power of attorney, I don’t ask for any legal contracts etc. I get why she wants to protect herself but the power of attorney things seems a bit far?

OP posts:
LoudSnoringDog · 09/04/2026 05:07

Assume your thread title is misspelt?

she must have had a pretty shit divorce I would imagine? This stems from that?

FruAashild · 09/04/2026 05:31

TBH, if she's got children I'm surprised she's considering getting married again at all but she's being sensible putting in place agreements to protect her assets for them. And absolutely her children should be the ones with power of attorney, they are her blood relatives.

Serious question, not snarky, but think about why you want to get married and consider what actions you would take to protect your children when entering a legal contract with someone else.

Original poster
Craig2288 · 09/04/2026 06:25

I agree to a point however if anything happens to her in the next 30 years it means I have absolutely no say in her welfare even though it’s likely I’ll be the primary carer

OP posts:
BreakingBroken · 09/04/2026 06:38

Power of attorney is usually for financial matters (like paying bills from your account while in hospital) if your married as next of kin you would be able to have medical input and first hand information.
you need more info.

sorrynotathome · 09/04/2026 06:47

BreakingBroken · 09/04/2026 06:38

Power of attorney is usually for financial matters (like paying bills from your account while in hospital) if your married as next of kin you would be able to have medical input and first hand information.
you need more info.

There are two completely different Powers of Attorney - one for financials and one for Health & Care.

Badoingyface · 09/04/2026 07:00

PoA for Health & Welfare, or Finance? How old are her kids? I'd be surprised if either are allowed if they're under 18 (but idk for sure)

Badoingyface · 09/04/2026 07:03

(prenup definitely makes sense if she's got kids from a previous relationship)

category12 · 09/04/2026 07:18

Most people have codes on their phone or facial or fingerprint recognition - it's basic security.

Is it a home office? It's more unusual to have a camera there, but I guess it's important to her to feel it's secure.

The POA thing may be about her making the kids feel better about her re-marriage, that she has them in mind. It may be she will change it if you get more years down the line. In the meantime, it makes more sense for it to be her kids than the man she's only been with 3 years. Sounds like she's just covering legal bases at the moment.

Maybe not it's not as flattering as not protecting herself legally & financially would be, but she has children to think of.

Original poster
Craig2288 · 09/04/2026 07:52

Badoingyface · 09/04/2026 07:00

PoA for Health & Welfare, or Finance? How old are her kids? I'd be surprised if either are allowed if they're under 18 (but idk for sure)

Edited

I think it’s both, kids are both 20

OP posts:
Original poster
Craig2288 · 09/04/2026 07:53

category12 · 09/04/2026 07:18

Most people have codes on their phone or facial or fingerprint recognition - it's basic security.

Is it a home office? It's more unusual to have a camera there, but I guess it's important to her to feel it's secure.

The POA thing may be about her making the kids feel better about her re-marriage, that she has them in mind. It may be she will change it if you get more years down the line. In the meantime, it makes more sense for it to be her kids than the man she's only been with 3 years. Sounds like she's just covering legal bases at the moment.

Maybe not it's not as flattering as not protecting herself legally & financially would be, but she has children to think of.

Yes I hear you, but the kids are grown up.

OP posts:
category12 · 09/04/2026 08:01

Craig2288 · 09/04/2026 07:53

Yes I hear you, but the kids are grown up.

Show quote history

Yes, I know, otherwise they wouldn't be able to have POA.

She wants to protect their inheritance and make sure they feel considered & valued when she remarries.

Lurkingandlearning · 09/04/2026 09:23

I think what you feel is her insecurity is wisdom born from experience. When she married her previous husband she almost certainly trusted him and very likely believed they would spend the rest of their lives together. It’s how people go into marriage as you know because that’s how you feel. Despite statistics they believe their marriage is going to last.

Then it doesn’t and they realise regardless of how people feel at the beginning, what believe their future will be there are no guarantees. So before marrying again, it is prudent to put a pin in “romance” for the few hours it takes to put in place what is needed to protect themselves and their children should the marriage fail.

OrcasRock · 09/04/2026 09:25

I would definitely be protecting my children and place them, in a hierarchy, above any new partner.

Having said that, I also wouldn't marry again for precisely this reason.

ETA: the fact they are 20 changes nothing -- they are still her children.

UpDownAllAround1 · 09/04/2026 15:27

She is v sensible

Original poster
Craig2288 · 09/04/2026 21:51

Lurkingandlearning · 09/04/2026 09:23

I think what you feel is her insecurity is wisdom born from experience. When she married her previous husband she almost certainly trusted him and very likely believed they would spend the rest of their lives together. It’s how people go into marriage as you know because that’s how you feel. Despite statistics they believe their marriage is going to last.

Then it doesn’t and they realise regardless of how people feel at the beginning, what believe their future will be there are no guarantees. So before marrying again, it is prudent to put a pin in “romance” for the few hours it takes to put in place what is needed to protect themselves and their children should the marriage fail.

Whatever happened to good old fashioned trust

OP posts:
Lurkingandlearning · 09/04/2026 22:55

Craig2288 · 09/04/2026 21:51

Whatever happened to good old fashioned trust

Show quote history

It was replaced by experience and wisdom.

category12 · 10/04/2026 06:33

Craig2288 · 09/04/2026 21:51

Whatever happened to good old fashioned trust

Show quote history

If you love this woman, why wouldn't you want her to take care of herself and her children's?

You have her best interests at heart, no?

firstofallimadelight · 10/04/2026 06:47

She doesn’t sound insecure, she sounds independent. If that’s a threat to you maybe you need to consider if you are a good match. As long as you protect your assets too I can not see any issue.

Original poster
Craig2288 · 10/04/2026 10:34

firstofallimadelight · 10/04/2026 06:47

She doesn’t sound insecure, she sounds independent. If that’s a threat to you maybe you need to consider if you are a good match. As long as you protect your assets too I can not see any issue.

I’m all for her independence. All I was suggesting was that it would be nice for me to be power of attorney along with her kids, but I respect her wishes

OP posts:
notatinydancer · 10/04/2026 10:57

BreakingBroken · 09/04/2026 06:38

Power of attorney is usually for financial matters (like paying bills from your account while in hospital) if your married as next of kin you would be able to have medical input and first hand information.
you need more info.

You can nominate anyone as your NOK.

rosycheex · 10/04/2026 11:03

Well they can decide at some point in the future that she needs some sort of care but they can’t decide you do it.
Make sure your assets are separate and decide where they go when you die

Shittyyear2025 · 10/04/2026 11:40

notatinydancer · 10/04/2026 10:57

You can nominate anyone as your NOK.

Show quote history

POA trumps NOK legally (and unless married NOK doesn't apply between partners), but I can't imagine any medical decision so serious that opinions of DC, partner and medical team would be so different as to require legal intervention.

Op your partner sounds to have come from a very messy divorce where she's discovered that simple trust doesn't mean anything when the wheels fall off.

I'm single and mortgage free and would absolutely put legal provisions in place to ensure my adult DC were protected and beneficiaries or my estate above my partner/new dh. My marriage cost me ££££ to dissolve and 'trust' doesn't cut it, even with my DP of several years. YABU.

category12 · 10/04/2026 12:01

Craig2288 · 10/04/2026 10:34

I’m all for her independence. All I was suggesting was that it would be nice for me to be power of attorney along with her kids, but I respect her wishes

Show quote history

You didn't say as well as her kids, though. And mentioned quite a long list of things you seem a bit put out by alongside it.

Maybe it's something to revisit being included on in a few years time ?

VimesandhisCardboardBoots · 10/04/2026 13:03

This all seems perfectly normal to me.

I'm power of attorney (both financial and health) for my Dad, and was for my Mum as well while she was alive, despite both of them having remarried.

Both sets of parents and stepparents sorted their finances so that their assets go to their respective kids when they die (with the exception of the house in my Dad and Stepmums case)

I'm surprised anyone in this day and age doesn't have a code or fingerprint on their phone, and neither me or DP can get into each others phone.

The camera in her office is the only bit that seems a little out there, but given that its her office and you've no reason to be in there, then what's the issue really?

At the end of the day, she's always going to be closer to her kids than you, that's just how it works. She's known them their entire lives, she'll always have known you for less. If you can't handle that, then maybe marrying a woman with kids isn't for you.

Retro12 · 10/04/2026 13:13

Craig2288 · 08/04/2026 23:47

My partner and I have been together three years and have not long got engaged. We are going to move in together soon and she wants an agreement drawn up to protect her assets and also a pre nup when we get married. She has codes on her phone and a camera in her office. It’s now came to light that her kids are to be power of attorney and not me. She said it’s because it’s only for when we are older but as I said anything could happen anytime. She’s mistrusting after her last marriage but says she trusts me. I was going to make her my power of attorney, I don’t ask for any legal contracts etc. I get why she wants to protect herself but the power of attorney things seems a bit far?

I can't see a problem with it, if that's her wishes. As long as the kids are old enough and mature enough to make big financial and health decisions and not reliant on anyone else, otherwise, what is the point?!