My parents insecurity

[Craig2288]

My partner and I have been together three years and have not long got engaged. We are going to move in together soon and she wants an agreement drawn up to protect her assets and also a pre nup when we get married. She has codes on her phone and a camera in her office. It’s now came to light that her kids are to be power of attorney and not me. She said it’s because it’s only for when we are older but as I said anything could happen anytime. She’s mistrusting after her last marriage but says she trusts me. I was going to make her my power of attorney, I don’t ask for any legal contracts etc. I get why she wants to protect herself but the power of attorney things seems a bit far?

She sounds like a very sensible woman to me, you sound a little petulant.

Read a few threads on here and that should give you your answer.

Are you buying a new house together? What do you bring financially to the marriage?

I think most of this is sensible precaution from your partner.

The only thing I’d be doing differently in her situation is not getting married as pre nups are not legally binding in the UK although judges often take them into consideration.

You don’t have to be her primary carer in years to come if you are not happy with the arrangement she has put in place with her children. I can see why that might be of concern to you. Also that might never happen.

I’m happy to be her primary carer should anything happen. However, I will have no say into how she is cared for

She sounds very wise and switched on

I would also protect my assets for my children if I ever remarried.

At the moment. Nothing is set in stone. In 2, 5, 10, 20 years time, you could revisit this decision.

But you've only been together 3 years, it makes sense for her to choose her kids. It's also reassuring for them.

Plus men's life expectancy tends to be shorter than women's, assuming you're similar ages.

It is easy to say that if you've never been horribly betrayed. After that, it is pretty much impossible to give that level of complete trust to anyone else ever again, and you look to protect yourself in one way or another. Which is what she is doing.

But this is an idealistic view, nothing has happened. When reality hits people often change their mind as the situations can overwhelm their physical and mental limits.

Yes I agree it may be sensible but where does it become too much? Surely there has to be trust on both parts. She doesn’t express her feelings much nor talk about the last, while I’m an open book

So don’t marry her, if the relationship isn’t working for you? This is who she is, determined to centre her YA children and not be fucked over again by a partner.

She wasn’t fecked over by her partner, she came out her divorce just fine

And yet you say in your OP that she’s ‘mistrusting after her last marriage’.

It was an affair, so emotionally affected, but not financially

Respectfully, if you can’t understand why having had someone she loved and trusted cheat on her, leading to the end of her marriage, might make her want to copperfasten all possible aspects of a subsequent marriage to protect herself, should you really be marrying her?

Yes, however, you have no blood tie to her adult children and no reason to centre their interests in the event of her death. Whereas the children's father would have at least been likely to consider their inheritance in future. You have no reason to, other than any social contact or friendship you may have with them.

Of course she's going to secure their interests.

Dong marry someone with kids/adult kids if you're going to resent that.

Unfortunately people can break your trust. It’s sensible to protect your children’s futures and not gamble it on trusting a person.

I’m not suggesting she shouldn’t do what she has done. I’m simply saying it would have been nice perhaps that she gave me equal poa with the kids

But you've only been together a couple of years.

Like I've said before, revisit it at a future date if it still bothers you.

But why would she? They're her family, you're someone who's known her a few years. Even if you get married, that's still the case.

If you stay together for years, maybe that's something to revisit, but right now, you're never going to be as important to her as the people she raised.

You're expecting to be her everything. And when you get together in your 20s, thats how it works. But you're not in your 20's, you had entire lives before you met each other.