Why am I so jealous of my friend's ex moving on?

[WhatAnOddPredicament]

Find myself in an odd situation, and it feels like my sane brain has disappeared on me.

A couple (I was friends with both) have reecntly split. Incredibly acrimonious, toxic on both sides. He's avoidant, she's anxious, and it brought out the worst in them both.

I clearly must've overstepped with my feelings for him (she was abusive, admitted by both) so think I fell in to the emotional support animal dynamic over the course of the years. I mothered him too much, cared too much and worried about his state of mind.

Anyway, now he's left her (she's unsurprised but devastated), and not handling it well. He left badly.

Anyway, she found out he'd moved on straight away with a woman who's been in a wider social circle for ages. He's doubled down with a massive 'f**k you, I'm happy' attitude.

And here's the kicker. I'm absolutely gutted he's with this woman. Like irrationally jealous, can't bear it. Keep looping them being together, dreading bumping into them together.

He is charming, charismatic, handsome, protective and funny etc. but also objectively a nightmare with accepting emotional responsibility, not capable of ending things well, understanding hurt or being consistent. He has a criminal record and not a pot to piss in.

I feel like I have lost my mind over this. Is it perimenopause? Am I broken? Because I have work, friends, gym, stuff to keep me busy.

Yet this man, who objectively would make a terrible partner, is occupying every part of my brain right now. I've barely slept and haven't eaten for a few days just imagining him in this new buzzing connection.

I did speak with him today. He is unrepentant. He was dismissive about his ex's feelings, and obviously high on his way to his new squeeze.

Tell me this madness will go? I've blocked him for now to try and get some distance/space, but my brain is fried.

Helpful framing suggestions please, because at the moment I feel like I'm thinking of him as 'the one that got away', yet objectively know it would be a fucking disaster.

sounds like you’re jealous he didn’t ‘pick’ you when he broke up with your mate.

Why would you be jealous unless you fancied him?

Yeah, I don't disagree, that's how it feels. But I'm still thinking where the hell has this come from? And how do I get it in perspective.

Do you have a partner?
Sounds like you are perhaps envious over the thought of a exciting new relationship and it just so happens that this friend has triggered it off
Rather than actually being jealous of this man- more of his situation in life

Indeed. He is attractive. Maybe it's charisma and charm, mixed with missing him and hormones.

Anyway, hoping this is some 40 something madness, because I would not objectively pick him as a partner.

No.

Maybe that's it. Maybe just need intimacy. I mean, I didn't feel this bothered before.

livingwithlimerence.com

If you know he’s an avoidant and we’re in a ‘mothering role’ I don’t really understand how you could find him attractive tbh. But that’s also probably why he doesn’t see you as a potential anyway men don’t tend to want relationships from women they use to offload on. He doesn’t sound very nice anyway tbh unless he has a golden penis he sounds more trouble than he’s worth.

Why should he be repentant. He’s single he’s allowed a girlfriend. You also know why you’re jealous you hoped he saw you as you see him had a crush on you and wanted to be with you, hence why you helped him so much, and have now realised he doesn’t see you as anything more than a friend, so him splitting with her didn’t magically gift him to ypu.

its a bit distasteful being friends with her when really wanting her partner for yourself,

You come across as a love struck, simpering, odd bod

I mothered him too much, cared too much and worried about his state of mind.

weird

Ewwwww

also “she’s anxious / he’s avoidant”.
She probably wouldn’t be anxious at all if he weren’t a knob. But here we are, thinking you can save him. So boring.

Isn't he going to think its sturdy you blocked him?

It’s quite obvious you have feelings for him!

I think you probably felt needed and important to him, and it’s that rather than him that you miss

It could be partly to do with hormonal changes. I went through something similar when I turned 40 and I remember it happening to my Mum and one of her friends too. All of the men concerned were utterly undeserving of the attention they got.

It's probably worth having look at your life in case there's something missing or something unresolved. Keep busy with the things you mentioned as they will get you through in the end.

It may be helpful to try something completely new or get in touch with friends you haven't seen in a while. It's so hard to be enthusiastic about stuff like that when you're in the grip of what you describe so gather your courage and push yourself. I wish I had .

Ask yourself why you had time and space for someone like him. For what it's worth, it won't be long before he disappoints his new partner. That type can never maintain the level of "buzz" you're seeing.

Finally. I would delete this thread and maybe talk to a friend or a therapist instead. People are already getting nasty and it will get worse. Mumsnet largely doesn't have the stomach for anything related to "cheating" (not that you or he have) or which reminds people that relationships can end and that people are complicated.

Wishing you the best OP.

It's a thing. It's your body/hormones picking a fertile man to have a last chance of a baby with!

Don't beat yourself up 😆. Sanity will return.

The phrase 'The best way to get over someone is to get under someone' comes to mind during times like this. 😃

Well you just obviously really fancy him, train-wreck that he is.

This will pass - don’t over-think things.

It sounds like a codependent relationship. You are overly invested in him and the outcome of his new relationship. Focus on yourself. He sounds like a nightmare.

It’s not remotely co dependent. He’s involved with someone else. The op fancying him and thinking if his relationship ended she’d get him doesnt change that.

op, did you sleep with him? The blocking him, the jealous reaction, the talking to him about it and him being “unrepentant “makes me think there is much more to this than you’re admitting, and you’re now gutted the fact he’s eventually single and didnt pick you.

even if not, it’s clear you supported him as you wanted to be with him, and have now realised he has absolutely no intention of forming a romantic relationship with you.

Honestly op it kinda comes across that you enjoyed their relationship being rocky, and loved being the saviour to this bloke and looking like a better woman than your friend. I honestly think now you're left with him being happy with someone else you've missed that feeling of superiority and feeling wanted /needed etc. And also I reckon you probably fancied him for a while but have been kidding yourself you're just a 'motherly support' 🙄

Wow your a horrible friend also being anxious is horrible. You should go hide in shame

@Candy24
The op says she was abusive as well as being anxious.

Your rational brain knows that this man is not partner material, let alone husband material! I suspect you enjoyed 'mothering' him and being the person he came to if there's a problem. It's not the man you miss, it's being needed that you miss.

Blocking him is probably a good idea. Keeping in contact is pointless. You'll be stuck in a neverending cycle. He may be aware you have a soft spot for him, and he exploited that to his advantage.

Keep yourself busy. Remind yourself that in reality this man isn't someone you'd want a relationship with. The feelings will pass. I suggest you perhaps seek some therapy too.