Why am I so jealous of my friend's ex moving on?

[WhatAnOddPredicament]

Find myself in an odd situation, and it feels like my sane brain has disappeared on me.

A couple (I was friends with both) have reecntly split. Incredibly acrimonious, toxic on both sides. He's avoidant, she's anxious, and it brought out the worst in them both.

I clearly must've overstepped with my feelings for him (she was abusive, admitted by both) so think I fell in to the emotional support animal dynamic over the course of the years. I mothered him too much, cared too much and worried about his state of mind.

Anyway, now he's left her (she's unsurprised but devastated), and not handling it well. He left badly.

Anyway, she found out he'd moved on straight away with a woman who's been in a wider social circle for ages. He's doubled down with a massive 'f**k you, I'm happy' attitude.

And here's the kicker. I'm absolutely gutted he's with this woman. Like irrationally jealous, can't bear it. Keep looping them being together, dreading bumping into them together.

He is charming, charismatic, handsome, protective and funny etc. but also objectively a nightmare with accepting emotional responsibility, not capable of ending things well, understanding hurt or being consistent. He has a criminal record and not a pot to piss in.

I feel like I have lost my mind over this. Is it perimenopause? Am I broken? Because I have work, friends, gym, stuff to keep me busy.

Yet this man, who objectively would make a terrible partner, is occupying every part of my brain right now. I've barely slept and haven't eaten for a few days just imagining him in this new buzzing connection.

I did speak with him today. He is unrepentant. He was dismissive about his ex's feelings, and obviously high on his way to his new squeeze.

Tell me this madness will go? I've blocked him for now to try and get some distance/space, but my brain is fried.

Helpful framing suggestions please, because at the moment I feel like I'm thinking of him as 'the one that got away', yet objectively know it would be a fucking disaster.

Yeah but the op wanted her bloke so she’s never going to sing her praises.

I imagine this OP to be very peculiar in RL. Call it a hunch

like splitting up with an ex and missing all the comings and goings and stuff with his family, one minute you’re in the thick of it with those two and their relationship, and the next you're not and it’s suddenly all changed and out of synch and it’s like youve been dumped. Like your help and support was nothing. Like he doesn’t care.

The majority of men are crap with feelings and emotions. Itll all blow over and the betrayal and hurt will go you and your pal will be fine.

that ungrateful ignorant prick can go piss off. Just keep telling yourself hes a prick who hurt your friend.

This!

Um I think you missed the point it’s not he doesn’t want to be her friend, it’s he doesn’t want to get involved with her romantically.

Op I don’t know if it’s that common to develop a thing about someone unsuitable just because you are 40… I’m 51 and it hasn’t happened to me. It’s not inevitable.
He sounds horrible.
Maybe step away from terms like “avoidant” as that’s the sort of crap that comes from internet commentators talking absolute rubbish having picked up some terminology that they probably don’t understand- often when they describe someone as “avoidant” they are actually describing abuse.

The best thing to do would be to find a therapist- there may be some online sessions- to discuss it with where you can be honest about your feelings.

Sounds like you’ve been lured by the narcissistic charm. It’s not real

It sounds as if you let yourself become his emotional transitional object as he moved towards ending his relationship and moved on to another one, and had probably developed some feelings of attraction to him. In reality you were temporarily emotionally useful to him before he got into a new relationship, and now you know he doesn’t need you any more and the relationship you had is over.

Thanks for balanced response. I'm relieved to hear it's relatable to someone else.

I think hormonal changes have thrown all sorts at me, including emotional spikes related to older loss/grief etc. Also got some bad news about a friend that hit me hard at the weekend and has added to some very messy thinking.

Yes - probably need to explore why I became over invested and wanted to feel needed. Don't think it reflects particularly well on me. And then crack on with the usual stuff and be proacrive in working on getting past this ruminating.

You might be right about taking down the thread too - I know it can be brutal here, but being told I should hide in shame for something I'm very much try to deal with in my messy brain is pretty full on!

Yes that sounds about right tbh.

Thank you, this is the sort of perspective I need

You sound like a bit of a sad cow tbh and he sounds like a loser, good looking or not. The criminal record will probably hinder him massively with regards to work.

You sound like you’re on some sort of comedown from all the drama and deflated that you didn’t get your ‘reward’ ie. him. Not much of a friend are you?

Time to get a life OP.

You played the pick me dance (even if entirely subconsciously) and he didn’t and it’s dented your ego. That’s the frame: this isn’t about him, it’s about you. What information are you getting about yourself and where you are, and what you need, from your feelings? How can you meet those needs in a healthy way ?

All you can do is acknowledge that you entered into this relationship too, for some benefit, try to understand what made you let yourself be his emotional outlet, and not to do it again. Meanwhile, try to move on and focus on other friendships. And be kind to yourself. Even if it was a dumb move, we’ve all done them at some point.

That’s unnecessarily unkind. The OP can see she’s been a bit of an idiot and over-invested in someone to whom she was useful between girlfriends, but she’s hardly alone in that.

What’s with the fancy avoidant label he just sounds like a bit of a dick that made his previous GF anxious.

Some of the responses on here are disgusting.

The OP is just being honest and revealing her state of mind, and looking for answers as to why she's feeling that way.

So many on MN think that warrants abuse.

Hmm, I do wonder if you were having a difficult time with your partner, and your friend started comforting him and then you split and she was gutted she didn’t get him if you’d be quite so generous.

She inserted herself into their relationship. It’s really underhand. She was after her friends fella basically. OP needs to work on her self esteem.

It sounds like you're dodging a massive bullet and seriously why are you friends with this person? I could harp on and on but I won't but seriously stay away and tbh and have a word with yourself and this is nothing significant in your life. it's literally nothing.

'- I know it can be brutal here, but being told I should hide in shame for something I'm very much try to deal with in my messy brain is pretty full on!'

Yeah. Do nothing of the sort. Head high and leave him behind.

Also who says 'hide in shame' 😂😂😂 Are we discussing this in the 1800s?

Overthinking much?!! Just chill OP, like get on wit your life and leave them to it. You’re waaaay too over invested.