Last week I found out that my husband has been sleeping with prostitutes. Worse than what all of this means for me though, is that my 10 year old son was the one that had to tell me. I am devastated for my son. The iPad had started synching my husbands text messages. Last month, we gave my son a phone in preparation for secondary school (not a smart phone). I am very conscious about device usage/safety, some might say too much. I won’t allow sleepovers in fear of unsafe devices/apps being allowed in bedrooms etc. But it turns out, it was his own dad, in his own home, that opened up the adult world to him. I was just checking through some of sons text messages and he had been messaging numbers asking for sex (in a very 10 year way, if that’s possible), there were replies with addresses etc, I felt sick. I was in absolute shock (still am), I could not fathom where he would have got these numbers from. I then went to check the iPads search history and my son had typed “handjob” and “blowjob” in Google previously (thankfully it’s fully locked down, so Google gave some non sexual answers). The next morning (husband was out), I told my son that I needed to speak to him about messages on his phone and the poor thing just exploded into tears, like I’ve never seen. Said he can’t tell me and that it’s going to ruin everything. I remained very calm, told him that I loved very much and that he’s 10years old, mistakes happen, we can get through it etc. He said it wasn’t him that was going to be in trouble. He then showed me my husband’s messages, sexual requests, price lists. Him requesting addresses, then stating his arrival. Just absolutely devastated that my poor child was put in this position. He loves his dad so much, he’d been carrying this secret for months, he just didn’t know what to do.
Then my husband came back, I told him straight away (while children were watching TV, the doors closed). He tried to deny it, until I showed him the messages. The most awful thing is that my son has been put through this. I made husband apologise profusely to our poor child. I told our son he was so brave for telling the truth, it’s not his fault, we love him so much, it’s an adult problem now. He doesn’t have to worry about me etc, but I don’t think it’s going to be enough. I also explained how sending those messages were not OK in any circumstance and that that language is not ok to use in messages to anyone etc (I will obviously have to go back over this in time). He is such a lovely, kind boy. I could see him keep looking at me at the weekend, giving me even more cuddles than usual. I’m just heart broken. I have so many concerns for his future wellbeing. 10 is such a pivotal age for learning about sex in schools and in appropriate books. I feel like he’ll be scarred for life for being put in that situation and seeing those messages from his dad with his own eyes. My son then asked if I was going to tell his younger siblings, I said no, they don’t need to know (in a kind way) but this felt wrong, like I’m putting him in this position where I’m basically telling him to keep more secrets, but obviously the younger siblings do not need to know. We’ve had enough innocence lost this weekend. Let alone the fact he may think that prostitution is normal and OK because his dad did it. I’ve considered counselling, is this too much? What type would I need? My husband seems to think that putting him a strange counselling environment and making him go over it, would make it worse, but don’t really rate his opinion right now.
I feel a bit psychotic, I didn’t shout at my husband, still haven’t, I’m just floating around, speaking calmly, living in a nightmare. We’ve had 5 solid days of family activities and seeing friends. I didn’t want my son to feel that his action of having to show me, would obliterate his family, so I said to husband will must continue to do whatever was planned. It’s almost easier when we’re all together, I can put on a happy family act for my babies. I’ve not had much time alone, but my head is spinning. I’ve barely spoken to husband (outside of family time), I don’t even know what to do, where to start, although I said I want our son to have a great end of year 6, summer, start to year 7, thinking if we do anything right now, we’ll cause even more damage (wrongly or rightly). But at some point this family will be torn apart, but I can’t think about that yet. I need to make sure my son is ok first and foremost. I haven’t told anyone in real life yet, I’m trying to process it all. Please be kind and any advice on how I can, should help my son would be welcome. Thanks for reading.