Son found his dad’s txts to prostitutes

[Needadvicepleasehelp]

Last week I found out that my husband has been sleeping with prostitutes. Worse than what all of this means for me though, is that my 10 year old son was the one that had to tell me. I am devastated for my son. The iPad had started synching my husbands text messages. Last month, we gave my son a phone in preparation for secondary school (not a smart phone). I am very conscious about device usage/safety, some might say too much. I won’t allow sleepovers in fear of unsafe devices/apps being allowed in bedrooms etc. But it turns out, it was his own dad, in his own home, that opened up the adult world to him. I was just checking through some of sons text messages and he had been messaging numbers asking for sex (in a very 10 year way, if that’s possible), there were replies with addresses etc, I felt sick. I was in absolute shock (still am), I could not fathom where he would have got these numbers from. I then went to check the iPads search history and my son had typed “handjob” and “blowjob” in Google previously (thankfully it’s fully locked down, so Google gave some non sexual answers). The next morning (husband was out), I told my son that I needed to speak to him about messages on his phone and the poor thing just exploded into tears, like I’ve never seen. Said he can’t tell me and that it’s going to ruin everything. I remained very calm, told him that I loved very much and that he’s 10years old, mistakes happen, we can get through it etc. He said it wasn’t him that was going to be in trouble. He then showed me my husband’s messages, sexual requests, price lists. Him requesting addresses, then stating his arrival. Just absolutely devastated that my poor child was put in this position. He loves his dad so much, he’d been carrying this secret for months, he just didn’t know what to do.
Then my husband came back, I told him straight away (while children were watching TV, the doors closed). He tried to deny it, until I showed him the messages. The most awful thing is that my son has been put through this. I made husband apologise profusely to our poor child. I told our son he was so brave for telling the truth, it’s not his fault, we love him so much, it’s an adult problem now. He doesn’t have to worry about me etc, but I don’t think it’s going to be enough. I also explained how sending those messages were not OK in any circumstance and that that language is not ok to use in messages to anyone etc (I will obviously have to go back over this in time). He is such a lovely, kind boy. I could see him keep looking at me at the weekend, giving me even more cuddles than usual. I’m just heart broken. I have so many concerns for his future wellbeing. 10 is such a pivotal age for learning about sex in schools and in appropriate books. I feel like he’ll be scarred for life for being put in that situation and seeing those messages from his dad with his own eyes. My son then asked if I was going to tell his younger siblings, I said no, they don’t need to know (in a kind way) but this felt wrong, like I’m putting him in this position where I’m basically telling him to keep more secrets, but obviously the younger siblings do not need to know. We’ve had enough innocence lost this weekend. Let alone the fact he may think that prostitution is normal and OK because his dad did it. I’ve considered counselling, is this too much? What type would I need? My husband seems to think that putting him a strange counselling environment and making him go over it, would make it worse, but don’t really rate his opinion right now.
I feel a bit psychotic, I didn’t shout at my husband, still haven’t, I’m just floating around, speaking calmly, living in a nightmare. We’ve had 5 solid days of family activities and seeing friends. I didn’t want my son to feel that his action of having to show me, would obliterate his family, so I said to husband will must continue to do whatever was planned. It’s almost easier when we’re all together, I can put on a happy family act for my babies. I’ve not had much time alone, but my head is spinning. I’ve barely spoken to husband (outside of family time), I don’t even know what to do, where to start, although I said I want our son to have a great end of year 6, summer, start to year 7, thinking if we do anything right now, we’ll cause even more damage (wrongly or rightly). But at some point this family will be torn apart, but I can’t think about that yet. I need to make sure my son is ok first and foremost. I haven’t told anyone in real life yet, I’m trying to process it all. Please be kind and any advice on how I can, should help my son would be welcome. Thanks for reading.

I think a paediatric psychologist would be worth going to see. It's not just the messages but the worry of what will happen now.

You need to leave your husband before you have a breakdown.

The best thing you can do for you son is to leave your husband and show him it’s not ok for a man to sleep with a prostitute and expect his wife to stand by him.

Your son needs to know that his dad has done something terrible though. And dad needs to leave. And yes, you need to tell school and a friend.

Definitely therapy for your son and also explaining what has happened and why it’s wrong, he must be so confused. He needs to be told (age appropriately before anyone jumps on me) what sex should be. Not a commodity.

And you can white lie to him and say that you knew daddy was doing something wrong already but it was taking time to decide what to do, it’s not his fault for telling you.

I think you’d need to be very careful about this, your son is 10, still getting his head around his dad’s behaviour, worrying about what might happen in the family. Adding in the traumatic reality of prostitution is a bit much to expect him to understand. You have years ahead of you to help him understand the concept of sex as a commodity and the exploitation of women. This isn’t something that need to be addressed as a 10 year old.

He knows his dad has done wrong, he knows he’s stumbled into a very seedy side of adult life. I think that’s enough for him to deal with just now. He also needs a relationship with his dad, which over stressing his dads abusive behaviour won’t help.

Just now I’d be keeping things very low key, I’d be keeping him and his reactions at the centre and following his lead. Is your son talking about it? How is he day to day. Be very careful about being seen to “punish” dad, because your son will feel he’s brought that about. It’s ok to take time to decide what to do in your marriage, and to model to your child a thoughtful, planned reaction to things going wrong. A knee jerk kick him out is all well and good but there are practicalities that will impact your child and him seeing you consider these will help him feel more secure.

Also be careful about projecting your own feelings on to your son. You know the extent of your husbands betrayal, you know the harm done to those women, you worry about your sons loss of innocence, your son will have different views about all of that. Very often children do best with constant, open, steady support from their parents. Unless you’re seeing something concerning in your sons response or emotions I’d hold off on counselling just now - him knowing that whatever happens he is loved, accepted and safe will hold him steady more than any therapist could.

It’s a time of very sore hearts, and very steady heads to get you all through it. I’m so sorry you’re in this position, what an awful situation.

Depending on his family too( who may or may not be the kind to think you are over reacting unbelievable as that may seem ) ! I would ask him to leave asap, or tell him if he doesn’t leave voluntarily then if asked you will be totally honest about the reasons , rather than fudging it as people tend to.

This, and see a lawyer. Except I’d tell my husband he needs a short list of therapists for your son for you to vet by the day after tomorrow and while of course he doesn’t think anything that involves talking about how he’s introduced his 10yo to prostitutes is a good idea, he’s still just prioritising himself and hiding his shitty parenting fuck up, and now is the time instead to prioritise his child, for the first time in a long time clearly. and if you don’t see him start to put 100% effort to try and fix it for his son you will make a bonfire of everything he owns and tell everyone why.

I disagree about there being plenty of time in the years ahead to teach him. This experience is formative and she needs to teach him the reality of it now as it unfolds as how he experiences it now will form his character. Protecting her husband’s reputation to her son should be secondary to raising a good son who rejects misogyny imo.

Your husband needs to leave before you can start talking to your son about all this OP, otherwise it can be very confusing for your son that happy families is still being played out.

To your 10 Yr old DS after H has left the house -

'Adults in a loving committed relationship either boyfriend/girlfriend or married - are allowed to kiss , hug and be intimate with each other as it makes them happy to do so mutually - however , they have promised each other to do this only with each other.

So asking someone else to be physically close was wrong of your father especially offering to pay for someone to hug /kiss so I have asked him to leave now. We might divorce after I have had a good long think about it.

What your father did as a husband was wrong, but we both still love you very much and none of this is your fault. I would have found soon out anyway from the ipad. He is still your dad though he has moved out and you will get to spend time with him regularly. He is very sorry esp to you and your brother/sister about what he did.'

No need for euphemisms about hugging and kissing. The poor son has read the email exchanges and googled to find out about handjobs and blowjobs.

Yep, me too.

And did not get the answer from Google said OP. So he must still be wondering or worrying?

Saying hugging/being close/Kissing/cuddling is the best langauge to use with a 10 year old and is still not lying at the same time as essentially it is what sex acts are ?

I am in the camp that thinks you need to ask your H to leave the home, tell family/friends and start divorce proceedings. I understand you are utterly blindsided, but as he grows up your son is going to realise how fucked up 'keep calm and carry on' is in this situation. Consequences for your H on the other hand, will teach your boy a hell of a lot about self-respect. Yes it will upset him in the short term - though from what you've told us he has great emotional intelligence for his age - but as he grows into a man he will come to appreciate that you are a total bad ass for ending the marriage.

An absolutely awful situation to find yourself in, really very sorry. This too shall pass.

It is completely unhinged.

What if your child:

• reads your spicy texts to your OH
• walks in on you and your partner having sex
• sees your internet history where you were purchasing sex toys

all completely innocent accidents that can have an affect on the child’s perception of sex and sexuality. You can’t just take peoples children away because of something like that.

Worried of the affects on a 10 year old who read his dads marriage-ruining texts but not the affects of a 10 year old whose dad gets ripped out of his life. This is why laws aren’t based on bloody emotions

Keep calm and carry on , benefits only your husband

Once he has left, it is okay for the rest of you to not have to act like any of this , and dad leaving, is normal - get into PJs during the day with icecream and telly to comfort them is what I would do - and to let them accept the sad feelings that dad did something he should not have and has had to leave mum/his marriage as a result and that family life as they knew it is changing - albeit he will still be their dad.

Disgusting

You really think that a 10 year old child needs an explanation of sexual exploitation to understand what his dad has done is wrong? That it’s not likely to compound any trauma he’s experiencing to know that those women were likely trafficked, drugged and raped? That while he’s facing the turmoil of his home and family falling to bits he needs a moral lesson on misogyny? That there’s no better time in his development to do that?

I have absolutely no interest in protecting his father, but see first hand the harm done when kids are exposed to the full extent of adult problems and expected to hold responsibility beyond their years. He knows enough to know his dad was wrong, at 10 he doesn’t have the empathy, psychological capacity or cognitive ability to understand the horrors of exploitation in prostitution and nor should he.

His dad may have opened that door, that doesn’t mean the child should be walked through it.

Honestly the first sane comment I’ve seen.

Seems most of mumsnet thinks it’s totally ok to drag kids into their relationship issues with “let the kids know daddy did wrong and ruined the family”

This is a guy who's more interested in covering up what he's done rather than his son get much needed therapy after being exposed to sexual material and trying to imitate his dad in it.

His dad won't be ripped out of his life. Breakups happen. Visitation happens. If there's more to be discovered, it will likely come out. The son needs professional assessment and treatment and the father is trying to block that because he's afraid of the consequences of his use of prostitutes and exposing his son to it becoming known. Right now, he's obstructing what is in his son's best interests. Court usually doesn't like that.

There’s nothing from the OP to suggest her son needs immediate therapy, automatically putting a child in therapy after something like this can inadvertently communicate that they need to be “fixed” in some way for having a perfectly human response to the trauma they’ve experienced. As a professional with many year experience of working with young people I’d always advise watchful waiting, supporting the child with their feelings, offering acceptance and empathy. If there are worrying emotional reactions that the parent can’t support then yes, therapy may help but absolutely nothing will hold him steady like a secure parent offering consistent care and support. A securely attached child can be supported through a traumatic experience by well attuned parents able to help him make sense of what he’s seen, the pressure of holding and sharing secrets and the fall out in his family.

many times boys of abusive fathers grow up to be the same. By minimising the actions of their dads we inadvertently normalise them and risk perpetuating the cycle of abuse.

It may be tempting to try to shield the kid, but he has unfortunately been exposed to it now and we do have a duty of care to the future women to not reframe his actions as simply cheating when in fact engaging in the sex trade is usually deeply irresponsible at best and abusive at worst.

So yes, painful though it is, i think he needs to learn the realities of the sex trade, including the possibility that the girls were trafficked or not fully consenting if the dad didn’t do safety checks. He will be shocked (hopefully) but that is what has to happen - misleading him into thinking that it’s just another form of cheating because it’s easier in the moment is only storing up problems for later in life. obviously it’s very sad that the OP has been put in this position though.

And yes, how it is dealt with NOW is important. he is young and learning a lot about sex and women and fatherhood through this situation. We can’t downplay it now and then turn around when he’s 16 and be like “btw the sex trade often includes abuse and non consent” and expect that lesson to override years of acting like his father was a decent guy who isnt involved in exploitative practices.

Professional assessment and treatment for one thing, and also causing life long trauma at the same time. Sounds super productive 😁

The first duty of care is to the 10 year old child, their recovery and healing. Attending to that will give them the best chance of developing a healthy attitude towards themselves, and to women.

There’s a world of difference in explaining that dad has done wrong, and the messages he saw were part of that, and exploring what he thought those messages were about and what he thought would happen when he sent the same kind of emails is important. Going at his pace is essential not to compound any harm already done. Giving a primary aged child a working understanding of sexual exploitation before they can psychologically and cognitively process such a thing isn’t remotely in their best interests.

This isn’t a one time and done thing, the OP will be helping her child process this throughout his life course through his teens. Living what respectful relationship look like, modelling respect and demanding respect from her children, open conversations about sex, consent and yes exploitation as he grows and understands the concept. Keeping open communication, no question off the table, intentional conversations about what consent means, and what abuse looks like will do much more than a lesson in feminism aged 10..

Sorry but no you absolutely do not teach a 10 year old about sex trafficking for christs sake.

Many 10 year olds are aware of prostitution as an existence. I’d probably argue most have heard the word “hooker” or “prozzie” or something similar and can loosely explain what it means, especially those with older siblings. That DOES NOT mean they can handle the emotional and mental trauma of learning about sex slavery.

Looks like you've had some good advice so far, I just wanted to add a suggestion that you talk with your son's school? I know it feels like a very private family thing but they'll be able to signpost you to support. You can keep it vague and just say that despite having security on your child's device, he has come across... etc. It sounds like he's a lovely kid and I think he gets that this is not the norm but it could be useful for his class teacher to be aware when planning any lessons around sex and relationships (which often happen in the summer of year 6).

@Lovethystupidneighbour@Jellycatspyjamasyou know that pretty much every girl that age will have been educated about what rape is right, because they are frequently told they are directly at risk of it? they have to be. girls don’t get to bury their heads in the sand about these things just because they’re upsetting to hear. they need to lean how to keep themselves safe.

allowing boys to equate harmful sexual practices (like the exploitation and worse which often happens to women in sex work) to consensual sexual practices is appalling and I’m afraid this sort of attitude explains a lot about when intergenerational misogyny and VAWG is enabled by the women around them.

i accept that we aren’t going to agree on this no matter what I say, but as a mother to a son i know that I won’t tip toe around what abuse is if it comes knocking at our door like this. No matter how upsetting it may be for my son to hear, if someone he loves is attempting to normalise abusive practices towards women I see it as part of my duty as his mother to teach him there is a better way even if that damages how he sees his dad.