I need a hand hold please

[thaisweetchill]

Married last year with second baby imminently arriving, I had a gut feeling over the weekend something was wrong.

Today DH left the house to go to a wake at 3:40, I rang him and he rang back at 6:30 to say he still wasn’t there yet (it’s 25 mins away) as he was waiting to collect something from someone, saw a notification on the iPad to say £13 had been spent at a pub 30 mins in the opposite direction at 5:30 so the timings stack up well as he got to wake at 7pm.

I’ve gone through messages and couldn’t find anything until I went in to the recently deleted photos and it’s screenshots of their messages, nothing sinister but talking about drinking with ‘xx’ at the end. He never sends
messages with x on. I tried to find the messages in WhatsApp but couldn’t get them up, I clicked on her name and it’s asked for a security passcode for this chat.

I also noticed a meal booking confirmation last night for somewhere next week for 2 people on the night our DS goes swimming, I thought it may be a surprise but it would make no sense to book a meal for midweek as we’d struggle for childcare…

I’ve confronted him and he’s point blank refused he’s texting a girl called Sarah, we’ve gone round in circles for an hour with him denying it. I’ve said get your phone up and show me her WhatsApp if you’ve nothing to hide, he said I’ve broken his trust by going through his phone and there’s no trust left. He’s taken his wedding ring off now and saying that’s it.

I know I’m not going mad, he is definitely texting her but I don’t know to an extent what the relationship is but texting and refusing to even acknowledge he’s texting her is betrayal to me.

I normally get very upset with confrontation but I haven’t cried I’ve been very calm trying to get him to tell me the truth but he just won’t.

Any tips on where to go from here? DS is 7 and we have a baby due very soon. I’m so scared but still haven’t shed a tear yet. Maybe I’m just in shock I’ve confronted him but he’s somehow spun it to him not being able to trust me.

He’s gaslighting you and is trying to manipulate the situation to suit his own narrative. Switch it up and ask him where he was the afternoon of the wake, and who he was with? You know where he was so you’ll be able to tell him if he’s lying.

i imagine he’s busy deleting everything now to paint you as being the crazy one. I’m sorry this is happening OP. Please look after yourself. Do you have others that can support you as I imagine this is going to be a very difficult time, even without the imminent birth?

Trust your gut. I am so sorry you are dealing with this while you are heavily pregnant. i wish i really could hold your hand.

I’ve asked this and he’s questioning me questioning him… laughable! He’s a very good liar unfortunately and stared me in the eyes tonight saying he didn’t know a Sarah and was not texting a Sarah. I said why when you click to message her does it ask for a secret passcode, he said he didn’t know and didn’t know a Sarah. He wouldn’t pull his phone out so I could show him what I meant. There isn’t much evidence apart from what I put on my OG message so I’m doubting myself but you have to be guilty to passcode lock a message with a certain contact…

I do have a supportive family thankfully but all live 25 mins away, I have a close friend round the corner but she’s going through a tough time so I’m not sure whether to burden her. I feel very numb about it all, I thought I would come to bed and sob but I’m just sad.

He's being manipulative and gaslighting anyway but now he's he's taken his ring off, said that's it so now you should tell him to pack his bags.

You don't threaten divorce.

Thank you, I need this, and the hand hold!

Gosh I am sorry that you are going through this. I don't suppose you took a photo of his phone screen with these messages and the passcode message?
He definitely is hiding something. Try your best to stay calm for yourself and your baby. He and his lies are not worth more than you and your babies health. Of course you will be upset. Reach out to your family; 25 minutes away is not far.

Of course he’s absolutely bullshitting you. Of course all trust is gone but HE did that! I’d give him one last shot at saving your (his) marriage by showing you the messages but that would be it for me.

I’ve got the screenshot of the messages they sent so it proves they have messaged but stupidly didn’t take a picture of the passcode screen, if I can get his phone at some point I will do but I doubt he’ll let it out of his sight now.

We spent an hour going back and forth and him point blank denying it, I don’t think his pride will let him admit it now. I was the calmest I have ever been, grey rocking him with please just tell me the truth but he just kept repeating himself ‘I don’t know a Sarah’ ‘there’s nothing to tell you the truth about’. I know I can hold my head up and say something has happened but frustratingly I don’t know what.

Get your self for an sti check tomorrow. He’s a total scum bag.

You do know what has happened and don’t let him make you question it. Your husband has lied to you about his whereabouts and interactions with another woman, and when confronted refused to acknowledge any wrong doing or provide evidence that he is not cheating. Therefore a reasonable deduction from any sane person is he is cheating on his pregnant wife.

You don’t need any more evidence. He lied. He had the opportunity to explain and provide evidence of his innocence and he chose not to. Instead he tried to gaslight and manipulate you. That is enough to destroy a marriage and it’s on him, not you. You don’t deserve to live a life where you question his fidelity and your own sanity. He’s the issue and if he doesn’t have the integrity to own up to his own shortcomings and betrayals then he’s giving you nothing to work with.

Thank you I needed this. I feel I’m going mad, I’m chucking our marriage down the drain for a gut feeling but I’ve seen the evidence I just don’t know to what extent he’s taken it. I’m so disappointed he wouldn’t come clean, I’d rather just be told the truth.

If he has nothing to hide he would hand over his phone! The trust is broken, at least you can see through his lies

I’m so sorry @thaisweetchill. It’s an awful position to be in. He’s clearly in damage limitation mode which means there is damage to your marriage from his behaviour. You don’t know the extent of his betrayal. There is a range of possibilities e.g. it could be a drink with a female colleague he has been leading on or he could have leading a double life for years. But really it doesn’t matter. Judge him by his current actions. He’s been unfaithful because he has done something with another woman that he felt the need to lie about. Rather than accept this he’s happy to continue hurting you by making you question yourself and is willing to leave you based on your ‘lack of trust’. These are the actions of a selfish, manipulative person whose main concern is himself. This aligns with a man who is capable of an affair. Whether what has happened is a full blown affair doesn’t matter really. You can’t unlearn that about someone who you share your life with. You will never feel safe with him again without full accountability and it’s likely you will never get that. He’s untrustworthy and would rather burn down your relationship than have his reputation as a good man tarnished.

You’ll never get the truth out of a piece of shit like him. I’m so sorry op, especially being so heavily pregnant dealing with this! Throw the cunt out! Sending lots of virtual hugs, please contact your friend/family.

His behaviour is appalling op, especially with you being heavily pregnant. What a scumbug. He owes you honesty at the very least.

In a way I wish you had waited until next week and got someone else to take your son swimming while you followed him to the restaurant,

In the circumstances, you deserve a medal for managing to keep calm though op. I think the thing to do now as he is way ahead of you in terms of the deception, is to trust your gut, and treat him as if you are certain, and tell him not to speak to you until he has the decency to acknowledge that he is not the person you thought him to be, because you already know it, so there’s no point in him pretending.

I am so very sorry that you are facing this appalling betrayal. I think you need to gather as much support around you as you can. 💐

The only question is what are you going to do?

You don't need to answer here. But, my advice is to see a lawyer, get a legal separation and serve him divorce papers.

He has shown you who he is and how he feels about you and your children.
Please don't keep telling yourself that you need him to tell you the truth.

Please don't hold out hope you are wrong. Please don't be scared to be without him.

My main concern is I don’t want to move out at this late stage of pregnancy and I know he won’t either as he’s very stubborn, plus he has no family so he has nowhere to go.
Our son is settled in school so moving in with my family would be such an upheaval. I just hope he has the decency to not push me out. We both own the house so I know where I stand legally. Obviously I’m very naive to this and just extremely confused as to what I do now.

You don’t actually need a screenshot of the password screen at all though.

You don’t have dementia, he’s a gaslighting liar. You don’t have to “prove” it to anyone.

If he refuses to show you his phone and the chat and messages then given what evidence you have already seen that is enough to know he is not being transparent with you.

Tell him his gaslighting DARVO (deny accuse reverse-victim-and offender) is the oldest trick in the book, and claiming he feels betrayed by you is convincing absolutely nobody.

Don’t get confused and start to believe his denials mean it’s not as bad as you think. His outright refusal to show the phone or resolve your well-founded concerns only means it’s worse than you think.

If my partner came to me with a serious accusation of an affair that I wasn’t having, I’d be at pains to reassure him. I’ve got nothing to hide so even if he had gotten the wrong end of the stick, I’d be looking to salvage the relationship.

Your husband’s instant turnaround to ending the marriage is just him trying to put the blame on you for the fact that he’s checked out and he knows he’s been thoroughly sprung. He won’t be able to keep getting away with it.

I’ve dealt with an ex who lied and gaslighted me and the outrage at being accused while refusing to engage with the accusations is an absolute sign of guilt, I’m afraid.

They want to keep getting the benefits of the relationship without being invested in it, and are counting on you being more invested in the relationship than they are, so you’ll back down and they can keep exploiting you.

Do you have someone else who can be there for you during the birth? What’s your relationship like with your parents, are they nearby? And will you be able to get support from your mum in your first few weeks with the new baby?

Given the birth so soon, maybe just pull back from him and don’t talk about any of it and save your energy for childbirth and your newborn.
When he is obviously lying, try to ignore him and get on with looking after yourself and your baby. I would try and get as much outside practical support from other family and friends as possible over the next few weeks.

All good reasons to get legal advice.

You should have skipped swimming and taken the kids to the restaurant and confronted him there. Arsehole of a man.

Do you know where the reservation is next week? I’d go look and see if he goes.

He’s gaslighting you, get your ducks in a row. I’d divorce him myself.

Turn up at the restaurant