I need a hand hold please

[thaisweetchill]

Married last year with second baby imminently arriving, I had a gut feeling over the weekend something was wrong.

Today DH left the house to go to a wake at 3:40, I rang him and he rang back at 6:30 to say he still wasn’t there yet (it’s 25 mins away) as he was waiting to collect something from someone, saw a notification on the iPad to say £13 had been spent at a pub 30 mins in the opposite direction at 5:30 so the timings stack up well as he got to wake at 7pm.

I’ve gone through messages and couldn’t find anything until I went in to the recently deleted photos and it’s screenshots of their messages, nothing sinister but talking about drinking with ‘xx’ at the end. He never sends
messages with x on. I tried to find the messages in WhatsApp but couldn’t get them up, I clicked on her name and it’s asked for a security passcode for this chat.

I also noticed a meal booking confirmation last night for somewhere next week for 2 people on the night our DS goes swimming, I thought it may be a surprise but it would make no sense to book a meal for midweek as we’d struggle for childcare…

I’ve confronted him and he’s point blank refused he’s texting a girl called Sarah, we’ve gone round in circles for an hour with him denying it. I’ve said get your phone up and show me her WhatsApp if you’ve nothing to hide, he said I’ve broken his trust by going through his phone and there’s no trust left. He’s taken his wedding ring off now and saying that’s it.

I know I’m not going mad, he is definitely texting her but I don’t know to an extent what the relationship is but texting and refusing to even acknowledge he’s texting her is betrayal to me.

I normally get very upset with confrontation but I haven’t cried I’ve been very calm trying to get him to tell me the truth but he just won’t.

Any tips on where to go from here? DS is 7 and we have a baby due very soon. I’m so scared but still haven’t shed a tear yet. Maybe I’m just in shock I’ve confronted him but he’s somehow spun it to him not being able to trust me.

Don't doubt yourself, OP.
A loving, caring husband would be horrified if their heavily pregnant wife was feeling insecure like this at such a vulnerable stage for her and would be doing all they could to reassure you.

Instead your H has taken off his wedding ring and turned this all back on you with his ridiculous excuses and faux outrage that you would check his phone.

I think his actions and reactions say more about him & what is going on than what is on his phone.

I am so sorry you are going through this right now.
Do you have a close family member you can confide in and who could support you?

Ps I also agree that you should seek some legal advice if you can so that you know where you stand.

With the birth so close you won't be able to make big changes and it's probably not wise to but while you are feeling calm & before the baby is here it might be wise to just find a few things out.

See above and see a solicitor now
No more confrontations its pointless
He's seeing someone else.

Unfortunately, trying to get him to admit anything is probably pointless. It is rare for a cheating partner to fully admit it for the following reasons: shame, self justification, guilt, fear of conflict, twisted notions of protection, maintaining self image, wanting cake and eating it etc.

i will never understand it- if some attraction is so important as to hurt or destroy your marriage, well surely it’s important enough to admit? However this rarely happens.

It is very unkind to leave someone who you supposedly love with so many questions. Is it an emotional affair, physical infidelity, early stages or long term? How old is she, is she married, with children etc etc. But you have to accept you won’t get reliable answers now, if you do get explanations it could be in many years time and likely from another source.

You are simply statistically very unlikely to get a reliable explanation from him unless he feels true remorse.

Trust your intuition and do not not override your gut feeling. Consider professional support maybe just for yourself or ( maybe) try and get him to go to a counselling session although my experience of this is that my ex just lied to the therapist.

I think at this point you need to focus on the baby. Do you want him as your support up to, during and after the birth or can you get other support in place?

When is the baby due? Can you " stick it" until baby is safely here and you have recovered from birth?

Sorry just a thought. What support do you have?

Apologies for the lack of updates. We spoke last week and he admitted to texting this girl, we’ve had a lot of chats, I said I wasn’t making a decision with the upcoming baby but I would need him to build the trust back up and I would reevaluate.

Anyway, things haven’t felt right and I checked his phone tonight and he’s still texting her. She must know about me as he said I was dropping DS off earlier, I have no idea if she knows we’re due a baby next month. I couldn’t see the texts last time but what I’ve found are from yesterday and today and seem pretty flirty, they’ve rang each other a few times. He’s said about taking her out. He also took a photo outside the jewellers he got my engagement ring from and our wedding rings from saying it was closed so couldn’t get her anything…

I just feel numb, I didn’t want to make a decision before having the baby, I wanted to focus on having her safely and healthy, sadly that decision has been ripped from me.

I am honesty so disgusted he would rip his family apart and at such a vulnerable time for me but I don’t feel there is a way back now. He said last week he was blocking her number etc etc, all lies upon lies.

I've been in this situation. Let him carry on. Once baby is here you will be stronger, tell your family and they will help you. He's a piece of shit and you will never, ever trust him again.
Good luck

I’m sorry you have lived this also. How did you get through it? I’m grateful I have a very supportive family but I am so scared at the thought of a newborn without the help of a partner. I am having a section so will need help in the early days, he was fantastic when our son was born, I can’t believe this is the situation I am in and never envisaged this happening.

• Get an STI test.
• Sleep in a different room, although if he has a shred of decency he'll move into the spare room because you are pregnant.
• Get your ducks lined up to divorce him as soon as your mat leave is over.

Every time I think that men cannot disgust me further, another one says "hold my beer".

for your own sake, leave his phone alone.

I think you just need to accept the relationship is over. you do not trust him given the lengths you are going to, to check up on him. That’s not right.

Focus on the birth, but if you do have time, I'd go see a solicitor for advice BEFORE, as it'll be easier than with a newborn.

You need to quietly plan the separation without his knowledge. Stop telling him your thoughts, just carry on for now, then once you're ready, serve the divorce papers, sell the house and start afresh without that lying scumbag.

If I was you, I'd leave him at home with your son, and not have him anywhere near me for the birth, he doesn't deserve that privilege.

Good luck for the birth.