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Original poster

Drama surrounds ex husband

49 replies

Em1988x · 07/04/2026 15:00

I don’t know how to move past the guilt and feeling of responsibility towards my ex husband. Always seems to be some sort of drama with him and just wish he would grow up at the age of 40! He’s been with his new gf for a year in July and they seem to just go out drinking which leads him to spiral and cause chaos for me, phone calls and turning up drunk and blaming me for our break up and I’ve done this etc. I was due to go away to France next week for work and he was going to have the kids at mine from when he got home from work until the morning and my mum would come by and take over and facilitate school drop offs and pick up. He’s now just called, from his dad’s number so assume he has lost his phone and said he can’t have them next week now and he’s in some sort of trouble. Nothing else, just that he will tell me tomorrow. He had a quick dash into the house yesterday and grabbed his log book and barely said two words to anyone or even his kids. His dad was here dropping off Easter eggs. It was very strange behaviour and then I get the phone call today. My mind is spiralling and I can’t get through to him. After a little stalk on fb, all I can gather is that he was away on the weekend with his gf.

OP posts:
EvenMoreFuriousVexation · 07/04/2026 15:12

How long have you been split up? Are you fully divorced? It sounds like he still has stuff stored at yours which is probably not helping you keep boundaries.

Original poster
Em1988x · 07/04/2026 15:19

he moved out last May and yes he did still have car documents stored here. I’ve been asking him to get a proper stable house for awhile and even offered him 8k for a deposit to buy a house close to the kids so each have a bedroom but apparently even though he’s on 50k per annum, he isn’t in a position to buy so will continue to live in a 1 bedroom apartment

OP posts:
Original poster
Em1988x · 07/04/2026 15:20

Not divorced, because I do feel like that will send him over the edge. One min he seems fine and happy and then all of sudden he spirals

OP posts:
outerspacepotato · 07/04/2026 15:26

Cut the cord. You can't fix his life, it's codependency to think you're responsible for fixing an adult man's problems. He's had a gf for a year yet he relies on you to clean up his messes. You're not his mom.

He's now sabotaged your holiday. You should be mad and separate for real. Get his stuff out of your home, start divorce proceedings.

If he threatens self harm, call the police. If it's a serious threat, he gets the help he needs. If not, it was manipulation and let him explain that to the police. He'll be discouraged from trying that again.

category12 · 07/04/2026 15:28

Em1988x · 07/04/2026 15:19

he moved out last May and yes he did still have car documents stored here. I’ve been asking him to get a proper stable house for awhile and even offered him 8k for a deposit to buy a house close to the kids so each have a bedroom but apparently even though he’s on 50k per annum, he isn’t in a position to buy so will continue to live in a 1 bedroom apartment

Gosh, whoa, stop!! ✋️

You're far too entangled and enabling.

Let him fail.

Stop getting involved or trying to sort him out.

Find other options for childcare. He's unreliable, unreasonable and doesn't give a crap.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 07/04/2026 15:34

Start divorce proceedings asap.

Ask yourself why you feel so responsible for him. You and he are no longer together and you’re acting like his mother. He is not helpless and you need to let him fail miserably without you intervening/enabling or interfering. Enabling him as you have done
has only given you a false sense of control.

It appears that you are codependent and that state is not helping you at all. He will continue to take the piss out of you as long as you allow him to do so. Where’s your anger re him?. You are going to have to find alternative childcare because he gives no fucks about you or his children.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 07/04/2026 15:36

And he’s taking you for a right mug. He really does think you have mug written on your forehead.

ReadingCrimeFiction · 07/04/2026 15:37

Op, I want to scream when I read this. I bet all thee spirals and challenges affect his ability to be parent, not to have a new relationship, go drinking with friends or even hold down a job. Why on earth are you allowing this?

Original poster
Em1988x · 07/04/2026 15:50

outerspacepotato · 07/04/2026 15:26

Cut the cord. You can't fix his life, it's codependency to think you're responsible for fixing an adult man's problems. He's had a gf for a year yet he relies on you to clean up his messes. You're not his mom.

He's now sabotaged your holiday. You should be mad and separate for real. Get his stuff out of your home, start divorce proceedings.

If he threatens self harm, call the police. If it's a serious threat, he gets the help he needs. If not, it was manipulation and let him explain that to the police. He'll be discouraged from trying that again.

Unfortunately it has always been that way, it definitely turned into a mother and child relationship. His mum died when he was 18 so feel like in a strange way, I did take on that role. There’s a lot of guilt because I ended the marriage, and I did meet someone else at work whilst we were split up but living together so he hangs that over my head. Although we haven’t made a go of it since he moved out because of how he reacted.

I feel responsible for him and feel I owe it to my kids to ensure he shows up as a good dad

OP posts:
Original poster
Em1988x · 07/04/2026 15:51

ReadingCrimeFiction · 07/04/2026 15:37

Op, I want to scream when I read this. I bet all thee spirals and challenges affect his ability to be parent, not to have a new relationship, go drinking with friends or even hold down a job. Why on earth are you allowing this?

Well right now I am not even sure if he has a job because he’s left me in limbo wondering what the hell has happened as to why he isn’t at work right now, he’s at his dads that is 40 mins away from us, has no mobile or car.

OP posts:
SapphOhNo · 07/04/2026 15:53

You need to divorce him. Seriously. You'll feel better for it. If he turns up - you call the police.

And don't rely on him for anything.

Original poster
Em1988x · 07/04/2026 15:53

AttilaTheMeerkat · 07/04/2026 15:34

Start divorce proceedings asap.

Ask yourself why you feel so responsible for him. You and he are no longer together and you’re acting like his mother. He is not helpless and you need to let him fail miserably without you intervening/enabling or interfering. Enabling him as you have done
has only given you a false sense of control.

It appears that you are codependent and that state is not helping you at all. He will continue to take the piss out of you as long as you allow him to do so. Where’s your anger re him?. You are going to have to find alternative childcare because he gives no fucks about you or his children.

Correct, co dependent is the right word for it. We got together at 15 and 17 and now 38 and 40 and we’ve grown up together, well I grew up and spent the majority of our relationship raising our kids, whilst working ft and getting him out of gambling debt every year

OP posts:
Odiebay · 07/04/2026 15:53

You don't owe it to your kids to enable him to be a dad. One day your not going to be able to control that and he will let them down. The kids will think woah this is such a sudden change it must be my fault. Let them see him for who he is. They need to understand from the beginning they can't rely on him and it is not their fault.

Until you sort the divorce and and come up with a custody agreement this will be your life..stop relying on him and stop mothering him. He has made his bed let him lie in it.

category12 · 07/04/2026 15:58

I feel responsible for him and feel I owe it to my kids to ensure he shows up as a good dad

But you're not.

You need to stop.

You can't make him be a decent dad. You couldn't when you were together and you can't now you're apart. That's on him.

And are you really doing the kids any favours by trying to make him something he's not? It's just wasted energy, wasted money, wasted time. Direct your efforts at them and yourself, not trying to "fix" someone who doesn't want to be fixed.

MajorProcrastination · 07/04/2026 15:59

Your work trip to France being sabotaged by his ineptitude is infuriating. What has your work been like about it? Have you been able to make alternative plans?

This man is still bringing stress and disappointment to your life.

I understand that you want to keep him on side and your decisions are made with your children in mind. Of course it makes sense to want them to have a good relationship with their father.

He's the one who's let you all down. His chaos and unreliability is the opposite of what you, the children, the grandparents need at the moment.

I wouldn't try to support him with his housing as he's let you down. He doesn't deserve your help and he's on £50k so he can sort himself out. I get that you're thinking of the children while they're with him but honestly, his attitude doesn't suggest that he'd be respectful of your generosity and put the children first.

With his getting the log book, I wonder if it's something to do with a police thing involving his car? A driving conviction? Or maybe he's planning to go to France where he needs the info from the log book for that thing you need to do before driving over there (can't remember the details, we had to do it for a trip there this year).

But yes, it needs to be a clean break with none of his stuff in your family home. He's too comfortable with the current set up and it's not going to work for you.

I get what you mean about maybe the admin and legality of divorce being a bit much but I've got a male friend whose ex really dragged their divorce out. They'd been living separately for years, he met someone new, and they couldn't buy a home together until the divorce was completed. She was in their old big family home, he was in a small rental. Anyway, the delay can't drag on for too long. If he's already got a new girlfriend, he's not got a leg to stand on in terms of delaying in surely.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 07/04/2026 16:07

Why are his needs here more important than your own?.

Your parents taught you so many damaging lessons about relationships. What do you want to teach your dc about relationships and what are they learning here?. You cannot make a silk purse out of a sows ear yet you persist. Where’s your red line in the sand re him?

Would suggest you get therapy for your issues re codependency. Someone taught you how to be a codependent partner. Your children cannot afford to become codependent adults in their own adult relationships. At the very least sling with starting divorce e proceedings read Codependent no more by Melodie Beattie.

ReadingCrimeFiction · 07/04/2026 16:09

Oh, op, i didnt mean to sound like I was blaming you. I DO want to scream with frustration though.

Sounds like he has always been useless. I bet he had never taken responsibility for anything, ever? Even when he was in the wrong, I bet that he would have framed it as something he did because he was the victim, "I know i shouldn't have done that but you make me feel so worthless" or "I cant believe I said that. Im such a terrible person. How coild you love me? I should leave and never come back".

Re work, is there a particular reason you think this latest drama means he has no job? I can believe it although that risk wasnt clear from your op, but its not actually your problem.

Try reframing this - nothing you have done or continue to do has led to any change or improvement in outcomes for him, so clearly you attempting to prop him up is not working. Its time to try something else.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 07/04/2026 16:10

What you have tried to date re enabling him has not worked and will never work.

And I would think it a given he still gambles.

blacksax · 07/04/2026 16:15

Em1988x · 07/04/2026 15:50

Unfortunately it has always been that way, it definitely turned into a mother and child relationship. His mum died when he was 18 so feel like in a strange way, I did take on that role. There’s a lot of guilt because I ended the marriage, and I did meet someone else at work whilst we were split up but living together so he hangs that over my head. Although we haven’t made a go of it since he moved out because of how he reacted.

I feel responsible for him and feel I owe it to my kids to ensure he shows up as a good dad

Show quote history

Stop feeling responsible for him. Stop that right now. He is not your responsibility.

He's not a good dad, he's an absolutely shit one, and there is no way on God's earth are you ever going to change that. You can't change someone like him - nobody can. There is absolutely no point in trying.

Just concentrate on being your dc's mum and facilitating their relationship with their grandparents.

Their dad can get to fuck.

Original poster
Em1988x · 07/04/2026 16:23

category12 · 07/04/2026 15:58

I feel responsible for him and feel I owe it to my kids to ensure he shows up as a good dad

But you're not.

You need to stop.

You can't make him be a decent dad. You couldn't when you were together and you can't now you're apart. That's on him.

And are you really doing the kids any favours by trying to make him something he's not? It's just wasted energy, wasted money, wasted time. Direct your efforts at them and yourself, not trying to "fix" someone who doesn't want to be fixed.

I’ve always tried to make everything as easy and comfortable as possible for him and always last on the list, like most wives and mums I guess. One of the biggest reasons for separation was putting myself and children first so they can see me thrive and not be in constant state of what is going to happen next, will be gamble, will be be home etc

OP posts:
Original poster
Em1988x · 07/04/2026 16:30

MajorProcrastination · 07/04/2026 15:59

Your work trip to France being sabotaged by his ineptitude is infuriating. What has your work been like about it? Have you been able to make alternative plans?

This man is still bringing stress and disappointment to your life.

I understand that you want to keep him on side and your decisions are made with your children in mind. Of course it makes sense to want them to have a good relationship with their father.

He's the one who's let you all down. His chaos and unreliability is the opposite of what you, the children, the grandparents need at the moment.

I wouldn't try to support him with his housing as he's let you down. He doesn't deserve your help and he's on £50k so he can sort himself out. I get that you're thinking of the children while they're with him but honestly, his attitude doesn't suggest that he'd be respectful of your generosity and put the children first.

With his getting the log book, I wonder if it's something to do with a police thing involving his car? A driving conviction? Or maybe he's planning to go to France where he needs the info from the log book for that thing you need to do before driving over there (can't remember the details, we had to do it for a trip there this year).

But yes, it needs to be a clean break with none of his stuff in your family home. He's too comfortable with the current set up and it's not going to work for you.

I get what you mean about maybe the admin and legality of divorce being a bit much but I've got a male friend whose ex really dragged their divorce out. They'd been living separately for years, he met someone new, and they couldn't buy a home together until the divorce was completed. She was in their old big family home, he was in a small rental. Anyway, the delay can't drag on for too long. If he's already got a new girlfriend, he's not got a leg to stand on in terms of delaying in surely.

Since I only found out about him not helping with the kids a few hours ago, I haven’t spoken with work. I have sorted out alternatives and unfortunately will have to send one child to my brother and one to grandparents. It sucks because I was hoping he would see it as a week to spend with the kids (albeit still work and school) part of me screams no, don’t go on the trip and be there for your children but then I really want to go for my career and for the kids to see me do something exciting and know that one day they can too.

You are correct, when I offered the money and sent him houses, I didn’t get a thank you, just a I’m not in a position to buy.

my first thought is that his car was towed, pulled over for drink driving or something. Especially now he says he’s in trouble. I can’t figure out why he can’t have his kids next week really. But feels like mind games with not telling me on the phone. He sounded very down. If he’s lost his licence or car then he would not be able to have current job because it’s driving a tanker. All sorts run through my mind, he’s been done, caused someone harm, something illegal and going to prison. I really don’t know

OP posts:
blacksax · 07/04/2026 16:31

You did the right thing in separating. Now let go. Concentrate on your own wellbeing and that of your dc.

Nobody needs a toxic git like him in their life, least of all your children.

Original poster
Em1988x · 07/04/2026 16:31

blacksax · 07/04/2026 16:15

Stop feeling responsible for him. Stop that right now. He is not your responsibility.

He's not a good dad, he's an absolutely shit one, and there is no way on God's earth are you ever going to change that. You can't change someone like him - nobody can. There is absolutely no point in trying.

Just concentrate on being your dc's mum and facilitating their relationship with their grandparents.

Their dad can get to fuck.

Show quote history

It’s really tricky to get into a head space of not feeling responsible for him and for this situation. Even though when I tell myself, he messed up loads when together and this isn’t out the norm. I still do feel like me wanting out of this, is causing it. It sounds baffling I know 😔

OP posts:
Original poster
Em1988x · 07/04/2026 16:32

blacksax · 07/04/2026 16:31

You did the right thing in separating. Now let go. Concentrate on your own wellbeing and that of your dc.

Nobody needs a toxic git like him in their life, least of all your children.

Really trying to and everytime I think, yes he’s good and he’s happy, I think now I can move on and concentrate on me and my kids and then something happens

OP posts:
outerspacepotato · 07/04/2026 16:33

I did meet someone else at work whilst we were split up but living together so he hangs that over my head.

You were split up. And he's had a gf for a year. Double standards. He uses that to control your behaviour. That's toxic.

I feel responsible for him

He's an adult. He's responsible for himself. You're codependent and you need help for that.

and feel I owe it to my kids to ensure he shows up as a good dad

He owes being a good dad to his kids. But it sounds like he isn't. You can't force him into being something he isn't. You can't control him, you can't fix him. What you can do is divorce him and show your kids that.

His fuckups keep you stuck in mom mode and that suits him. Don't you want more for your life than playing mom for a fuckup 40 year old man with a gf?