Drama surrounds ex husband

[Em1988x]

I don’t know how to move past the guilt and feeling of responsibility towards my ex husband. Always seems to be some sort of drama with him and just wish he would grow up at the age of 40! He’s been with his new gf for a year in July and they seem to just go out drinking which leads him to spiral and cause chaos for me, phone calls and turning up drunk and blaming me for our break up and I’ve done this etc. I was due to go away to France next week for work and he was going to have the kids at mine from when he got home from work until the morning and my mum would come by and take over and facilitate school drop offs and pick up. He’s now just called, from his dad’s number so assume he has lost his phone and said he can’t have them next week now and he’s in some sort of trouble. Nothing else, just that he will tell me tomorrow. He had a quick dash into the house yesterday and grabbed his log book and barely said two words to anyone or even his kids. His dad was here dropping off Easter eggs. It was very strange behaviour and then I get the phone call today. My mind is spiralling and I can’t get through to him. After a little stalk on fb, all I can gather is that he was away on the weekend with his gf.

You sound lovely but you need to get on with the divorce like yesterday. He is a gambler and chaotic and irresponsible and god knows what else and he could drag you down financially. If you own a house or have savings you could be liable for his debts. Get out!

oh I know, tbh I need a good telling off haha. Yes, there would always be a reason to what he has done. Apparently the gambling started because I asked him to wallpaper our living room and was never happy with what we had. For the record we bought the house and didn’t decorate for 2 years and when I asked the question, apparently caused him to rack up gambling debt. Funny thing is, the living room never got done and had to sell the house in the end to pay off all the debt.

Because, thats the pattern hes happy with. He might not ge doing it consciously but he needs you in protector/carer mode for him, and will do whatever it takes to ensure you dont stray from that position.

Every time he messed up you feel sorry for him, dont you? Irs because of his "trauma" or his "issues" or whatever.

I suspect that over the next months and years, his behaviour and disorder will ramp up. I suspect he will get more toxic.

I also suspect that you will start yo see your relationship through different eyes. Things you thought were normal or understandable you will look back on and think "WTF?".

I bet your family and friends are thrilled you ended jt with him?

True but I know I did wrong because I didn’t tell him about it.

I am going to be getting therapy at some point. I know it sounds bad but had to pay out loads on shit bucket of a car, I put my youngest into therapy so paying for that, and he doesn’t give maintenance so still trying to sustain the life they had before.

I definitely want more for my life, which is why I’m out (partially of it) and just want him to be ok so I know I can be ok and look forward

If I seem really negative its because I have watched this play out. Your situation is, sadly, not unique.

If I had a pound for every time I have had to listen to SIL saying something like,

"I helped him with his CV and hes really pumped for a better job. Hes got an interview next week" (except its only ever ONE interview. And it was found and set up by sil. And after the interview he spends 3 months waiting to hear about it while she says things like, "hes really hoping he gets this job. Its exactly what he needs", instead of encouraging him to keep looking in the meantime.
Or
"I have to just help him buy a car as otherwise he cant work. He really wants to get on this but with no car, he cant". Except that he has no car because his was impounded because he didnt meet the payments because he bought a car that was way too expensive soce. And when she buys him the new car he complains that its an old.clanger and shes driving a newish car
Or
"I've found him somewhere for him to live now so things are more stable and he can have the dc". Except he never can. Crazy landlord. Insufficient space. Her house is nicer. And then weeks later we are hearing how he is apparently being bullied by the neighbours or there was a "misunderstandinf" with the landlord so he might get kicked out or the council have screwed him over with council tax.....

And in between all of this, he is accusing her of this all being HER fault. She made him homeless by refusing to allow him to live in the house he contributed not a penny to. She has.messed with his mental health so he cant hold down a job. She is spending money on nice thinfs for herself so why shouldn't she give him money....

Its never ending. And exhausting.

i don’t think he does it on purpose either, I think he has it in his mind that I’m going and sabotages it without even realising.

Oh yeah, definitely took more than I should have because of losing his mum. Still to this day he will say he does what he does because of that and I do feel awful for him. I want to shake him and say you have two children who need you and I’ve never made it hard for him to have them or see them and it could be so easy but he makes it hard and blames his job, or me or what ever excuse he can come up with, other than himself. But I know they’re excuses because even on days off, he’s never asked to do school drop off or pick up.
I can see it getting worse, just as I thought it was getting better. I thought we were in a good place after the incidents before Christmas and son’s birthday.

yeah, it was only his dad tbh that wanted us together and that’s only so he could remain my problem

What a mess. Glad it won't impact on the work trip, that was one of my worries from the original post.

You are still letting him control your headspace and your life. All this drama needs to stop, doesn't it? Move on. Don't allow what's happening in his life to have such a huge impact on yours.

Every time something like this happens, not only does it affect you, it affects your dc as well and you need to protect them from all the uncertainty this awful man brings into their lives. The only way to do that is to shut yourself off from it as well.

Oh yeah, definitely took more than I should have because of losing his mum. Still to this day he will say he does what he does because of that and I do feel awful for him

Sure, thats hard. But hes a grown ass man and at some point, it needs to be on him to fix himself. Seek therapy. Work through issues. Move on.

Zero sympathy. I seem harsh but we are now many years down the line with someone like this after a disastrous relationship. These men dont change. And you will suffer for it. And so will your kids.

True but I know I did wrong because I didn’t tell him about it.

When you split up, your romantic and sex life became none of his business. No, you're not supposed to tell him shit. That's how it works.

You were not wrong.

I’m sorry OP but the losing his mother at 18 being the reason he’s a waste of space? I call horse shit. I lost my mother at 14 and have managed to be a productive member of society who amazingly gives a fuck about other people. Do you really want to teach your daughters that being treated like shit by someone who claims to love them is acceptable. Do you want them taking the same road??.
You're focusing on your career, well done. You also need to focus on a divorce, blocking him from all forms of contact other than email, make sure he doesn’t have keys or any way to access your house, turn your back and move on, he will continue to hold you down, you owe your daughters more than this! HE DOES NOT CARE IF YOU DROWN WITH HIM, oh and don’t break yourself trying to keep everything the same for the girls, they can accept a change or two especially if it means things aren’t as tight. Do not push for them to engage with their Dad it has to be him doing the running.

He's blaming everyone (mostly you) and everything else for his appalling life choices and accepting no responsibility whatsoever.

Well I kind of want to shake you, OP.

You have two kids.

All this money you've poured into paying off debts for your ex - try adding it all up.

Now imagine you hadn't flushed it down the pan of this man. You could probably have a uni fund, or deposit for a house/driving lessons/a car, or trip to Disney for your kids.

Doesn't that make you angry with him, and angry at yourself?

You accept that you're co-dependent. Well, what are you actually doing about that?

It seems like you're addicted to his drama, and to indulging the feelings that being his "rescuer" (or victim or martyr) gives you.

You need to stop engaging and participating in his maelstrom. And that is in your hands to change.

One of the biggest reasons for separation was putting myself and children first so they can see me thrive and not be in constant state of what is going to happen next, will be gamble, will be be home etc

Great. When does this start?

You really need to take this on board OP - YOU ARE NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR HIM!

You have spent far too much time enabling him and you need to stop. You can't make him a better dad, or a more responsible person. Only he can do that.

Lots of people sadly lose a parent young but he can't use that as an excuse for everything that goes wrong in his life. He's a grown man who is responsible for his behaviour, decisions and mistakes. You need to take a step back and let him get on with it. Concentrate on yourself and your kids and don't jump in to help every time he gets in a mess.

You need to divorce and he should be paying towards his kid's upbringing. If you really want to help him be a responsible adult, this is the first step.

Thank you all. I think I have seriously had enough now. There’s a group on fb that outs people for how they park and it’s just come up on my timeline with his car crashed into a hedge outside someone’s house. So putting two and two together since he won’t tell me, he’s crashed and been arrested for it. He needs his license for his job so will now be jobless and homeless. I just can’t believe the stupidity of him, after only telling him last week that one day he will kill himself or someone else by drink driving. I’m furious! Furious that this is the role model our son has to look up to

I predict it wont be his fault. And/or he will be so upset by his own mistake you will be expected to make him feel better.

Use this as a wake up call op. It's hard. But he is the problem here.

Best thing all round if he had lost his licence. He won’t be putting your kids or anyone else at risk. Couldn’t care less about him. He sounds a complete knob.

I actually have no sympathy for him with this. He’s been warned by numerous people and doesn’t listen and his new gf just encouraged it and had only lost hers last year. So now both in same boat. Haven holiday booked for the kids will now be a no go. I’m furious and lost for words.

@Em1988x The only person who is responsible for "ensuring he shows up for the kids as a good Dad" is HIM.

It is not a failing on your part that he cannot keep his life in order.

When he comes to you asking for money, please decline his requests @Em1988x

All his attempts to make you feel guilt or pity are about avoiding blame for his own poor choices.

Use that fury OP. This is who he is. Irresponsible and no fucks to give about anyone else including his DC. He will say he loves them of course but will he ever show them he loves them? That’s the part that matters.

Start divorce proceedings.

Get a burner phone that you use only for him.

Look into therapy for yourself to help you properly disengage and support the DC when their father lets them down again and again.

He is not making good choices. You owe it to your DC to make good choices. Propping up their dad does not help them. It models men doing whatever the hell they like while women sacrifice themselves to clean up after them. If that what you want for your DC in their own relationships?

I definitely don’t want my dc’s going down the same path. They already say they are never drinking after seeing the state their dad gets himself into. I can’t see how a person can’t see how damaging alcohol is to them. The nail in the coffin was when he refused to stop drinking and said I shouldn’t try changing him. Now look what it has cost him. Thought I’d wake up calm today but I’m so angry at him. He coaches our dd football team, so even that will now have to stop and now let her down even more.

You are in a co-dependant relationship with an alcoholic, and you need specific support from someone who understands the issues you face. Look for a counsellor who can help you.

If you google the 'Karpman drama triangle' you can find out about the 'game' of Victim, Persecutor, Rescuer that your ex plays, and sucks you into. You can rescue him. You can't fix this, you need to cut loose and have support dealing wit h the feelings of guilt and responsibility that will follow.