AIBU to not want to listen to my nanna tell me how much she hates my mum and doesn't trust me anymore?

[StillGotBabyBrain]

So, I am 40, I have my nanna who is in her mid 80s, my mum is early 60s.

My mum and my nanna have always had a troubled relationship. My god, I don't even know where to start, they have spent years not talking, then they tolerate each other for a few years and then fall out again. I have always maintained contact with both of them. There is just such a history of hurt and suffering through my family. Both of them sexually abused, no support given to either, both seem to have had unlucky and hard lives.

As my nanna has gotten older, she has become more and more intolerant of anything. We are now at the point where I phone her and all she talks about it my mum and her brother and what they've done to her. (Which I don't agree with, but she is stuck on a few stories that she swirls around non stop in her head). She has had 3 strokes, one most recently a few weeks ago. I am not sure she is of sound mind entirely and I think she sits at home stirring herself up which is not good for her blood pressure.

She has a friend who she adores, and has done for 35 years or so, but she has always sung her praises and been mean to my mum and rubbed in this wonderful relationship she has with her friend instead of her daughter (the friend and my mum are similar ages)... and she lies to the friend about us, relays information about how friend thinks I am an entitled shit and up my own arse, but friend doesn't know me then wonders why I don't want to be her friend. Nanna has never given me the chance to help her, she saves up all appointments so that her friend can take her then chastises us for not doing it. I've once taken her to the doctors, she was nice in the surgery and then when we got home, shouted at me and asked me to leave because I was upset she was slagging off my mum again.

Mum is not perfect, god she is also a pain in the ass.

Am I going to turn into this? I hate that it might be me in 40 years being horrible to my kids and grandchild.

I have over the years stepped back from both of them, because it is damaging to my MH how they both are. But nanna won't accept that the reason I do less is because I cannot stand her keep doing this. I told her just last night that I would love to receive the version of her that her friend of 35 years gets, maybe she could ask me about my life etc? She was like, what else can I talk to you about!

Do I keep calling and let her keep complaining or do I just stop and let 35 year friend carry on being the only person that can do no wrong!

You need to say which poll option corresponds to which outcome in your question.

My vote would be to stop calling.

Yes the vote is confusing. Stop calling.

You grandmother is a serious problem. I think you should protect yourself first and let her get on with her sad nasty vicious little life on her own.

Awwwww bums! How do I change it? I don't often post sorry.

What are your boundaries like here re both your nan and your mother?.

I would make yourself far less available to your nan and your mum given their behaviour towards you. You seeing them at all is rewarding bad behaviour. It could be argued that neither have wanted to seek the necessary help. Both had a choice snd continue to do the same old because on some level it works for them.

Such Toxic crap often goes down the generations but it should and can stop at you because you have two qualities these ladies lack - empathy and insight. Again you have a choice.

I would ask mumsnet to remove the poll by reporting your initial post.

I am a bit of a dinkle sorry, yes unreasonable to stop calling, no, not unreasonable to protect my brain and ears from it.

In fairness, before yesterday I called her the week before and had been doing everyday since she got out of hospital, but she asked me not to call everyday. Despite regularly being told that best friend is so great as they call everyday!
Also that I am not a Tory and she is which disgusted her.

It's so hard as I want to care for her and be lovely, but I just sit silently listening, until she tells me I need to have opinions so I do, then she is cross because they're not the same as hers which is why I've stayed quiet in the first place!

You will never get her approval so stop trying. Give that to those who deserve it ie neither your toxic nan or mother. Drop the rope here.

Your mother and grandmother sound a lot like mine.

My grandmother was, to put it bluntly, a shit stirrer. She had 9 children, and used to play them all off against each other. You'd need a huge whiteboard just to keep track of who was talking to/not talking to each other at any point in time!

Like my mother, she was also a pathological liar so I ended up not being able to trust a word either said about anyone. As soon as I was in my teens and having to listen to my mother ranting on about my grandmother/other siblings I was telling her just not to engage...I'm now nearly 58, my mother is 85 this year and she STILL does it with the one sibling who is still alive!

I 'solved' the problem by moving to the other side of the world from them both, having no contact with my grandmother and now very limited contact with my mother. I've not actually seen my mother in 17 years. I'm bipolar with C-PTSD and for the sake of my mental health this was the path I had to take. I'm not going to lie though, sometimes it fucking sucks, especially when I see 'normal' family relationships/interactions, and I don't have any of that. My mother has never been a source of support, either emotional or financial.

So yes, step back even further from your grandmother. Stop calling, stop seeing her. Protect yourself.

I think if it were me, I would reduce contact to almost zero, but I would give it one try at explaining why. Plan what you want to say ahead of time so you can't get derailed (make a written list if necessary).
If your Nan already thinks you're awful and badmouths you to her friend, who will therefore think the same, what's the worst that can happen?

I have learned to try and not let them in enough to hurt me anymore. I spent years trying to get everyone to get along so we could all have lovely times as a big family but it never lasts. It's like there is some sort of unwritten competition between them, both want to be seen as the best, most correct, most clever and most sexy to men, most rich etc etc

I would invite them out and then they'd say no or cancel or say spend the time with the other one and leave me out of it! The times I have asked my nanna over to my house so I can look after her for a day and she never wants to, then complains she doesn't see me. But she hates that I moved from a big town into a village further away, says I did it to be better than them both, that I'd ostracised myself. This all came out one day when I took her for a nice cup of tea after her first stroke, she sat there and spat her vitriol at me and then told me to leave.

You're right, when I type this I think I am mad. But I am so scared she will die and I will feel so much guilt for not doing more.

I had considered writing her a letter as she doesn't listen to amy of my words. I also considered contacting best friend to clear my name on a lot of the fallacies she has been fed.

Yes!!! This is it! Constant stirring!

I am glad to hear you found a way to protect yourself and hopefully you are doing well.

My hubby says I should just put up with it as that is her and I can't chnage her. Although, he doesn't seem to have emotions like normal people.

Your husband is both right and wrong. Wrong in that you are her grandchild, not an indentured slave, you don't 'have' to do anything or have a relationship with anyone...especially someone who is harming you and your mental health.

He's right in that your grandmother is not going to change. The only person you can change is yourself...and how you relate to her.

Don’t write a letter to either as this will be seen as an attack on them. Therefore your words will be used against you. Her so called best friend won’t likely believe you either

Your toxic nan will die one day regardless of how scared (?) you are . Why do you feel so much guilt?. It’s likely both these women have planted that in you and it’s totally misplaced. What have you exactly got to feel guilty about here?.. do you think either your man or mother feel guilty about how you’ve been treated, no not a bit of it. Deal with any residual fear obligation and guilt you have re them in therapy sessions. And your husband is wrong on so many levels too.

He is right in that she won’t change but he is wrong in that you have to put up with it. It’s another version of do not rock the boat. In your case it would be easier to chuck the pair of them overboard.

Yes they will, that is right.

Guilt that I have not been there more or seen her more or been what she wanted from me, she is very disappointed in me.

Yes he is, I take his emotional guidance with a pinch of salt.

She was talking about her dying yesterday, as she does talk about that every time we speak as well. She said that no one would go to her funeral, no one would be upset. Whats the point. I reminded her that she had signed her body over to medical science so there wouldn't be a funeral. She said thats why she did it, because no one would go if she did have one.

She doesn't seem to be able to link the fact that she has no one apart from best friend in her life, and her behaviour. Which is confusing to me. Maybe she is completely incapable of self reflection.

Thanks everyone, it is nice to hear that many of you can help push my confidence up.

Please stop with the guilt. If she wasn't related you'd have nothing to do with her.

Dh's step mum was so toxic. Rarely nice. We ended up blocking her.

She's playing mind games with the friend stories. The friend is either a wet blanket and scared or nan is faking niceness to her.

You need to have boundaries. Yes she'll die. Maybe tomorrow maybe in years. You won't have murdered her or caused it. She is causing her own behaviour and misery. She's wallowing.

Be kinder to you.

She sounds awful. You’re calling her and doing everything you can and she’s still annoyed and awful to you, so what’s the point. Can you imagine a point where she’s genuinely happy with you? Stop calling, or reduce the calls, and tell her you don’t want to hear about your mum or her brother or how much she dislikes you. Change the subject if she starts, you can give a warning, and then you can say ok I’m going to go now unless you’d like to talk about something else, if she keeps going back to it. You don’t need to be rude or angry or anything else, but expect she will get very very angry at you for putting boundaries in place.

I think you’ve probably been quite parentified, and that’s partly why you feel so much guilt. I definitely recognise it from my own family. It’s such a shame when they let us down with their own lack of ability to be good, kind, mature adults.

I found ☝️so endearing I want to give your grandma a good talking to.

Maybe tell them both you don’t want to hear about their problems with each other anymore and although you will still call or visit, you will leave as soon as they start each and every time. And stick to that. They will learn hopefully, or at least you won’t hear it.

And I think, in your shoes, I would tell my grandmother that, as her friend had never met me, the horrible opinion she has of me can only have come from horrible things she had been told by grandma. And it’s another thing you aren’t prepared to listen to anymore

My mum and Nana have a similar relationship. Same ages too. They are both single and have been for years. Like yours, both have had hard lives. I’m close to them both and they slag each other off to me too. It’s an awful position to be in. There’s not really much more you can do. Your Nana is old and set in her ways she won’t change. If she has been there for you in the past then IMO you kind of owe her the same now she’s older but that’s just my opinion/ culture/ upbringing. If you agree with that you definitely need to set boundaries for your own MH and stop her when she mentions you mum. Just put the phone down and say I’ll ring tomorrow when you have calmed down.

Family and friends should bring positive energy into your life there is plenty of negative energy in the world without letting more in.

You're right, when I type this I think I am mad. But I am so scared she will die and I will feel so much guilt for not doing more.

You may end up feeling relieved to not have to perform anymore, it's only when I cut off contact with the negative person in my life that I realised how much I felt obligated to them rather than seeing them because I actually wanted to.

It baffles me now why I put up with it for so many years, but I don't think we ever stop seeking approval from our parents/grandparents.. it's hard to let go of that, but the problem is, in most cases, they will never give it, they aren't capable of it.

Drop the rope OP.

You need to look up Fear Obligation Guilt when it comes to toxic relationships.

They have done a number on you, and I hope you can extract yourself.

Thanks, I will look that up, I have not heard of this before.

This is where I feel like the person above position where my nanna was brilliant when I was younger with me. Now I look back, she was also causing problems then but I was oblivious to that being so dinky and that is why I keep returning for more, she took me on holidays when my mum was working and school was off, I used to spend so much time there entertaining myself whilst she worked. But I got older, then I had my own career, husband, children and got busy with my life. That hurt her I think. I tried to explain to her recently though, my life is very busy, I have two kids, one has medical conditions, 2 jobs, 2 dogs and a husband which = 1 more kid....

It's a funny old life.

I appreciate all your comments here, everyone.

Agree with poll option point and stop calling.