Briefly, DP has a very limited emotional intelligence quotient. This has been a conscious effort has he did have a very traumatic childhood (dad alcoholic/schizophrenic) and he basically had to be strong for his 3 siblings and his mother who was also alcoholic for a while.
When we got together I knew he thought it a new dawn for him, but slowly and inexorably over the years he has closed his heart off to me, and everyone else, just as he always has done. He even became addicted to prescription opiates (Tramadol) after the death of a close friend a year and a half ago in an attempt to dull his emotions. Our family imploded at this point.
He is now off Tramadol, after a hard battle last year but his heart is even more barricaded. It is very hard to live with - bearing in mind I am not perfect and get frustrated at times. I am an aggressive/aggressive type who likes to face issues and clear the air. He is a passive/aggressive type who sulks and withdraws and then when I explode under the pressure he blames me as the antagonist, never seeing how his passive/aggressive behaviour contributes to it ? but I am well aware that chicken and egg arguments are moot now as we are stuck in a very negative cycle.
Anyway?
He cannot talk about how he feels without it turning into a character assassination ? uses attacking ?you? statements, rather than neutral ?I? statements. I try to bite my lip but after about half an hour of this I inevitably respond to defend myself and then the arguments start, I get blamed for starting them as ?I just can?t keep my mouth shut and let him talk?. He cannot see that explaining his feelings has nothing to do with his opinions about me..
I came up with a plan this morning to try and keep track of our emotional states without getting into major discussion about it and to have immediate but neutral feedback on how we interact and affect each others moods.
It?s (don?t laugh) a ?Defcon? system scanning from Defcon 5 (most open, happy, approachable and relaxed), Defcon 4 (good happy, but with maybe an aura of stress from somewhere), Defcon 3 (Neutral), Defcon 2 (tense, one push and you will go to..) Defcon 1 (seriously pissed off and unapproachable).
I thought if we could check on each others status it might help make each other more aware of our emotions on a day to day basis, and also ease DP into at least thinking about emotions, both his and mine, rather than just blocking them and thinking of them as irrelevant, which he does at the moment.
I don?t know if it will work but I am on my last drop of hope. We have tried so many things which always come down to needing to communicate better, but as that demands a certain amount of emotional awareness, DP always refuses to go there and we slide back into misery ? there?s no other word for it.
We do love each other, but love is not enough to help us here. We have tried Relate but DP sabotaged the sessions when they approached his opiate addiction so he would not have to discuss his reasons for needing them or his emotions in general.
A friend is moving in wither boyfriend in September and she has offered me her old house to rent if things between us are no better. If this happens I really fear DP will totally implode. I cannot see what else to do however, if this doesn?t work as it is so traumatic living with someone who cannot show their emotions and discounts yours as a consequence ? and I also have to think about bringing DS up in that environment.
Thanks for listening