Does being the family black sheep ever improve or resolve?

[Blacksheepsdsd]

I think I am the black sheep of the family. Does it ever resolve? Is there anyway to move past this or is this it forever?

At this current point I have been trying to be mature. Be the bigger person. Reach out and stay calm and rational. I think that actually angers them more. They want me to be the one who breaks down, lashes out, behaves irrationally. And because I am not they are getting angrier and angrier. They cannot process or accept it is them in the wrong.

I am not perfect. I have done a few petty things - like not sending a Mother’s Day text. But honestly I don’t think they deserve that after everything they have done the last year. They have hurt me and I don’t think they are behaving like parents.

I have just had a barrage of abuse for best part of 3 hours after I called to say Hi. Which culminated in them wanting to come visit in two weeks because it’s me who is depriving them of their grandchildren.

It’s so fucking confusing. I don’t know what to do about them and I am seriously questioning their sanity.

It’s a lost cause isn’t it?

I wish I could tell you that it will certainly improve, but my own personal experience is that it doesn’t.

What I was able to improve on is how I reacted to their treatment of me. I now have no contact with my mother, and infrequent contact with my siblings. That sounds sad when written down, but I have never felt freer and more unburdened.

I have my own little family now, a DH and 3 dc, and they are all I need. I don’t miss my birth family, because all they ever brought me was misery and heartbreak.

I would suggest taking a period of time in which you have little contact with them and then assess how you feel after that time. It might make your next steps feel a little clearer.

Thank you. I have just done that for a year. I then slowly increased contact and it’s just culminated in them blowing up for 3 hours.

It’s strange because whilst they are targeting me and it’s all my fault - for saying it’s all their fault.

Really they are targeting my partner. That’s what’s made me realise how irrational it all is. They haven’t done anything wrong.

Last year I thought it was unresolvable. Again I am thinking this tonight. Do I just breeze through it knowing they are beyond reason. I am just doing that so I have no regrets but is that worth it?! I don’t know.

I think there comes a point where you have to accept they are unable or unwilling to change. Even when they’re family, the people who should love you most and protect you, you can’t keep waiting for something that in all likelihood isn’t going to happen, especially when those people are causing you harm.

No it will never change and if you carry on engaging with them you will live to regret it. I would strongly recommend you keep them well away from your children also. 🍀

No sadly..I was the BS. Had my first innocent BF at 17 and full BF at 23 and lost my virginity then yet I was that bad person. My sister golden child lost virginity at 15 and was thought of the best. My parents are now dead and I was disinherited. It hurt but I am happy.

No i don't think it ever changes.
All you can do is change how you react.
Don't give them what they want by getting angry.
Decide the level of contact you want
It still hurts but not as much as continuing to try to get them to like you

It doesn't change. My dh who is the black sheep regrets not going NC sooner.
Some narcissists like to switch it up, and alternate roles but its still the same dynamic.

It never did in my case. I could cure cancer and facilitate world peace and the response would be ‘well you went about that wrong and took too long to do it’. I don’t have any contact with my family though as they’re deeply unpleasant and abusive.

Let go of any and all residual hope now that they will change and or say sorry. That scenario seems to happen only in Hollywood films. You don’t need their approval either, not that they’d ever give you this anyway.

If they are too difficult/toxic for you to deal with it’s the same deal for your children as well. I would also keep them well away from your parents.

It is not your fault they are like this and you did not make them that way. You need to grieve for the relationship you should have had rather than the one you actually got.

It never changes OP. I'm NC but my mother still enquires on my life. If I'm going through a tough time it brings her pleasure.

Very strange person. Some women should never have become mothers.

You can only think of what you're willing to accept and don't go over the line and that means not sitting on the phone for 3 hours. As soon as they start, hang up, send a message saying when they've dropped the attitude they can get back in touch.

When you do it once, it gets easier to assert yourself.

My family disowned me aged sixteen. My parents had both passed away by the time I was in my mid twenties. I tried to salvage a relationship with siblings but that didn’t work and I haven’t heard from them in twenty years. I have occasionally reached out by letter, but nothing.

It has affected my relationships, I find it hard to let people get close. But, it has also taught me my worth and I always hold my head up high and expect respect. Their behaviour was/is their issue.

You deserve relationships tha are mutually respectful. Your children deserve to see their Mum treated decently.

This made me chuckle. I've had the very same conversations about my family. I could donate them all my blood and organs. That would still not be good enough for them somehow they would figure that it benefited me more to do that. A sibling who donated a bit of belly button fluff would be seen as the heroic Saint. 🙈

OP - you are their assigned scapegoat. You are the person they will blame or criticise for anything that goes wrong, it will never be their fault you see.

It’s unfair on you and no amount of trying to placate or reason with them, will work. That would mean looking at their own failures and wrongdoing and they will never do that.

Invest all your love and effort into your own family. Your family of origin don’t deserve you.

Sorry op I don't know anyone in real life where it actually improved for them. Like a pp said that tends to happen in films. In real life its generations of entrenched toxic ways. It's the black sheep's that break this cycle for their own families.

Whilst it's hurtful to be the black sheep Im actually thankful it's the far healthier place to be rather than the golden child.

Definitely keep distance and protect yourself and your children.

Why would a parent behave this way?

And I don’t know about the golden child dynamic tbh. They slag off and chat shit about my sister all the time (or did when we spoke before).

I actually think they just like being miserable.

She has much better boundaries though. She will just leave, hang up, not take a call, arrive late, not arrive etc. If I do that though it’s not ok. So they do expect different from us. Always have.

It’s strange because I think the argument they were having with my partner was actually an argument they wanted to have with hers. But they couldn’t.

It’s all really bizarre.

Why did you take 3 hours of their bullshit?

I went NC thirteen years ago and it’s the best decision I ever made.

Because they started making comments about my partner again. So I said no that’s not true. And then it just went on and on and I wanted to hear what they thought and also try to challenge some of it to try to get them to see sense. It then escalated into them attacking me again.

Yeah it's the "trying to get them to see sense" that resonates with me. They are yelling, nasty spiteful untrue things, a bully's playbook, and you feel you have to convince them somehow that they are wrong, all the while they are still yelling abuse. Trying to calm them, make them see your side, stop them being upset with you.. Don't take it! Just put the phone down and don't pick it up again.

Same. I often think looking back that the more I tried the worse it got for me because anything then I did do right was diminished. I did not realise I was a scapegoat from birth. My mother likes to play the victim so from day one she was 'exhausted' with a baby who apparently would not sleep, or I was a bad child, bad in school etc. None of these things were true of course but it was so she could feel the martyr. Of course then when my brother and sister came along they were praised because she couldnt have two bad kids she had to prove it wasnt her parenting that was the problem so I became the default problem child.

It has a knock on affect too. My fathers side of the family for years no matter what happened decided it was my fault so I stopped talking to any of them only to find out years later that I was to blame for my aunt thinking she should have inherited another family members home because my name was mentioned. The fact that the conversation took place 20 years before I was born did not seem to make them query this always just theres a family problem, you must have caused it. It is irrational but they need to blame someone for the dysfunction rather than look at themselves. I have not spoken to a single person in that family for YEARS now and I am sure they still talk about. Hard and unfair but that is my lived reality.

God it is sad. My expectations of them now are quite low so it wasn’t a shock like it was a year ago. But I honestly think they will take this to the grave and I just think what a waste of this life. Why can’t you just be happy.

Stop wasting your time and your life on them, stop subjecting your children to them.

Just stop.

The beauty of being an adult is that you get to choose who you have a relationship with.

They don't deserve you.

They have a narrative of being the perfect family and because you challenge this they do not like that at all so you are attacked verbally. In turn your dc are further subjected to it.

You indeed need to drop the rope they hold out to you here. It is NO point trying to reason with them because to them the only opinion that matters is their own. You will never be able to make them see sense and they will never apologise nor accept any responsibility for their actions.

There’s no point in challenging them or trying to reason with them. You know this.

Stay away from them and protect your family from their toxicity.

I don’t think they do see themselves as a perfect family. I think this whole thing comes from their insecurities because they know they felt inferior - not to us - to someone else but it got deflected.

That and a lot of ego and a personality disorder in the mix too.

They do genuinely believe we have conducted xyz as affronts to them. Most of it is insanity. About 5% I would say valid but those were decisions we made for the safety of our children so we can’t change those and if I were to go back in time I would have done the same.

This is why I am confused bout whether this is the black sheep dynamic. For most of my life it was me and my fault. But in certain times they have moved their feuds elsewhere. I can’t remember the last time they weren’t in a ‘until death blood feud’ with someone.

They thrive on drama and gossip. My mothers current best flying monkey who had her over in his house for xmas dinner swore about 7 years ago she was going to go legal and make sure this cousin wasnt allowed to go to her wedding! I mean such shite but still shes now back in favour with him cos she fell out with other relatives so now he is her bestie again. They thrive on chaos these families. Nothing else going on in their lives of substance.