Will anyone want to date a 38-year-old single mum of four

[Angelmouse88]

I’ve recently separated from my husband after a quite unhealthy and not very nice marriage, I’m 38 and have 4 children two from a previous relationship. I’m feeling very down and like I’ll never be in a relationship again. Realistically will anyone want to date a 38 year old single mum with 4 children? I guess I’m just looking for some positive outlook on a situation that feels quite dark at the moment

You need to prioritize yourself and your kids right now if your split is quite recent. This is the time to show them stability and how a healthy family looks and functions. Get some therapy to deal with the end of your marriage, the knock to your self esteem, and get your head clear from that. Look at how to recognize red flags in relationship.

Think about a relationship when you're in a healthy place, not just looking for validation for your self esteem. A relationship will have to work for you and your children if you're looking for something long term.

First reply nailed it!

I have four children and if I had just separated from their dad, getting into a new relationship would be the last thing on my mind. Four children take a lot of emotional and mental energy- they’ve gone through the process of losing a parent at home. Time for them to have 100% of you.

You’ve just separated from your husband and you’re worrying about what another man wants.
Fuck that.
This is your time to figure out what you want. What does your future with your children look like?
Thrive in this new chapter, learn who you are, enjoy it.
Then, when you’re happy and in a good place, a man will come along to ruin it 😂 no but seriously, you’re only young and you have plenty of time to find somebody to love. In the meantime, enjoy figuring out what makes you happy.

This is my situation although I’m 37 kids have the same dad and been single 10 years as I was convinced no one would want me. Now I regret it and wish I had got out there sooner. Plenty of mums manage to find someone again. You will probably need to find a man with his own kids though.

Well there are often men who’ve just left a failed relationship and looking for a new nest to be provided by a convenient woman. But that would be bad for your four children.
Why do you want a new man? What for?

I do think it’s unlikely you’ll find a good one who will be a good dad to four children and tolerant of the difficulties involved with the multiple blended family issues this will bring.

Yes there will be men who do…. Good ones maybe not so if you are going to date allow yourself this time to be really really picky and slow with the dating

Do you even want to date? Focus on your kids for a while. Lots of people past 40s have kids so it won’t be an issue when they’re teens/ young adults etc but no most men won’t want to take on 4 small children. That’s temporary though. My mum remarried at 52.

You have the rest of your life to meet someone new, your children will grow up into adults and leave home eventually leaving you free to enjoy life as a single person again. I would focus on sorting your life out and getting yourself and your DC used to their new lives first.

Yes of course you will meet someone else one day if that’s what you want. My friend is a single Mum with three kids and has recently met someone with one child that they have 50/50. Friend has been single for many years though before meeting her current partner.

Yes. I found a new partner as a single mum of 3. I took a few years out to focus on me and my children first as I didn’t feel up to dating for a while.

Mumsnet is very against dating as a single mother. There is absolutely no reason to martyr yourself like that though.

I know someone who had 3/4 children and she met her younger husband and they’re now married. If you click you click. Way too soon to date now though. My stepmum in her 40s with 3 children is now married to her second husband.

I wouldn’t prioritise dating at the moment. If your marriage wasn’t good you’ve got a lot to process and two of your kids have already had a step dad who they’ve now lost. You’ve all been through it, take time to get used to it just being the 5 of you.

Would you date a man who was the resident parent of four children from two different mums? Maybe you would.

I’d say friends first though, that’s how my mum met my stepdad, he was a lodger in her house but he encouraged her to study A levels at night school. Then she did teacher training and became a teacher.

Yes people do date people who have several children, but I agree that should be in the future, prioritise your DC and stability right now.

Short answer: There will be people who don't mind.
Long answer: That is really not the focus, or at least, maybe the wrong thing to focus on in this stage. Go through your separation, work through the trauma and stress of it, put your energy into being there for all your children, and instead of looking outward, look into yourself, be comfortable with yourself, on your own, instead of already thinking about who could come your way next. Once you have processed everything and are in a good place, it will be a much better thing to maybe consider letting someone close... But a good rule of thumb is, you need to be good on your own, before you could work on being good with someone else...

I’m a single mum of 4 kids who separated from my husband over 3 years ago. It’s only recently I’ve began to think about the possibility of dating again.
i have been spending time with my kids and working on myself. But the thought of actually doing something about dating is scary.
i would say don’t rush back into dating. Prioritise your self and your kids first.

I think that is a bit too early to focus on at this stage. That mindset is going to make it more likely that you fall in with someone best avoided. Think about what a potential partner has to offer you and you them, not from the perspective of being a recently separated mother.

It would be the last thing on my mind to find a new man.
Op can I ask how old are the kids.

When I say recent it’s nearly a year now but feels recent if that makes sense! 16, 14, 10 & 6

You could try going on a few apps. My friend has children about 21, 23 and was widowed. She met her husband on Plenty of Fish, yes they’re married and it was quite soon too!

When DH and I split up, I was 56 and I’ll be honest I worried about having a dating life in the future and whether there would be any decent men. I worried about it a lot, quite fixated actually. I didn’t actually want to date, in fact it repulsed me, but the idea I would never date worried me iyswim. It just a cycle of thoughts which swirl around when you’re newly single. So I understand how you’re feeling, as much as everyone says just concentrate on your kids, it’s not that you’re not, or that you’re desperate to find a new man. The answer is, yes, when you’re ready and happy in yourself again, you will likely meet someone new.

The best advice I could give right now is, you gave a ‘him’ shaped hole in your life, don’t fill it with another man, fill it with new things, self care, get out into the wotld with a hobby or even just a walk in nature or have a bath, eat something, watch something you’ve always wanted to watch. Easier said than done, but you must prioritise yourself, not just your dc.

That is still recent, and your kids are going to need more of you now. Most pp have said lean into family life, rather than complicating things with a new man, and i agree. Ive been a single mum of teens for 6 years, and its taken up all my energy to keep the ship steady for them.

I don't think MNers object to single mothers dating as long as they don't bring their boyfriends/partners into their children's lives.

Exactly this
your priorities should be your children not whether you can meet a new man!

I am sure in time you’ll meet someone but now is probably not the time!

It’s important to remember that when you do start looking for another relationship not to just settle for anything.

My next door neighbour was in a similar situation to you about eight years ago. She had four kids with this man and one day he held up a post office with a sawn off shotgun and it accidentally went off killing someone. The Police didn’t see it that way and he went to HMP Wakefield for 12 years. My neighbour was looking at a tough time but she didn’t let her standards slip.

She went straight out after the split and found a 6ft 9 pharmsucial rep who made loads of money. This money came in really handy to pay for the bills and the holidays that they all enjoyed together. He was always away working and this took some toll on the realtionship. Seven years on her original partner got released from prison, beat the other guy up so all he can do now is eat through a straw and she coiuld not resist.

She sued him for all of his money and now the family live a happy life together, aside of some regrettable substances abuse issue's, but hey, nobodys perfect, uunless you’ve shot someone it seems !

Ah well….