Awful row

[Blacksheepagain]

I’m completely at a loss. Awful Row with my OH today which came out of nowhere. We don’t live together yet but we’re in the process of planning to. I’ve come home & feel a bit shell shocked. I have no idea what to do next.

Probably rethink moving in together for a start.

How awful is awful? They often feel worse than they are? Were things revealed that can't be taken back etc? Need more context to support!

Oh dear!

Do you want to give a précis?

All I can say is that it’s better whatever happened happened before you moved in together and if it has raised clear red flags, beware of burying them because the conclusions are too messy to contemplate.

Of course if you were rowing about whether brown or red sauce goes on a bacon sandwich and no violence or aggression was involved then it’s not the end of the world.

What brought it on? Every relationship involves 'words' being exchanged from time to time, but there's always an underlying reason. How long have you been together? After 14 years I know my DH well enough to read between the lines when he says things that annoy/upset me, but it's harder in the early stages of a relationship to know where the line is.

How long have you been together, you don't have to live together if you don't want to.

He accused me of being in a foul mood which I wasn’t. If anything it was him who was & I said so. This led to him telling me to fuck off. Then it escalated into all sorts of insults so I left to go home. He’s in pain which I knew& was trying to make allowances but this feels like a line has been crossed & I don’t know how I feel about it.

We’ve been together for 2 years.

Don’t see him for a little while. Take time to think about what you want. Wait to see how he responds. Do not push him into a response - sit back. Absolutely agree with parking decision to move in. How imminent is/was the move?

Do you want to share more of the insults ? Has he said something that is making you question how he sees you, or how you see him?

He absolutely will come back to you full of apologies and shock at his own behaviour, but honestly, this doesn't usually get better. Save yourself years of future heartache and extract yourself from it now whilst it's relatively easy by comparison.

Gaslighting is abuse.

Frankly he has shown his colours. I woukd be moving on not in.

I think it’s hard to judge without knowing how bad the insults were. We all say things we shouldn’t in the heat of the moment (this certainly doesn’t excuse him) and I think his next steps will show you what direction you want to take this relationship. If and when he apologises, is it sincere and honest and does he take full responsibility for his choice of words and language towards you.

He’s shown his true colours. You’ll be glad of this once your emotions settle, as you now know you have to end it. 🌺

I think it might be time to have a really good think about how the future might look now.

If he has 'unleashed' all this on you now and you go ahead with moving in together, it will give him a green light to do it again, and worse.

I have been there and bitterly regret giving up my own place. Trust your feelings on this one.

If anyone who i’d been with for 2 years told me to fuck off and flung insults at me, I couldn’t continue the relationship.

He'd be an ex after that.

I would say to keep a distance for a few days to let you both cool off. I would take a step back in moving together until you are sure this won’t be a regular occurrence.

If he instigated a row over what is essentially nothing, a row that is upsetting enough to induce you to post on MN and reconsider your moving in together plans……. It may be time to re-evaluate whether this relationship is good for you.

M

He told you to fuck off
You fucked off home.
I'd stay fucked off home...
And reconsider the relationship... Being in pain isn't the green light to be a cunt.

Don't move in with someone you already know acts like this. It won't be better if you're stuck living with him.

It's pretty bad because he's shown you he's happy to swear at and insult you, and he has poor understanding of his emotions - projecting them onto you.

I wouldn't carry on I'm afraid, that's not my idea of healthy.

Well unless you want worse again then dump him.

He'll do it again but bigger and louder.

I’m going to sleep on it but this is the conclusion I’m coming to. It’s very sad but I’m not willing to put myself in the firing line for more of the same, or worse.

Telling you to fuck off says it all really.
Dump and run.

I think you're being very sensible. He has shown his hand and you are in a position to walk away. Don't trap yourself, OP.

Hope you're OK.