Is losing attraction in a marriage normal?

[SchoolrunGardener]

Married 14 years, 3 kids, fairly traditional setup (I work part-time, he works long hours and earns well). He’s a good dad in that he’ll do things with the kids and takes them to some sports clubs, but he does tend to moan at them a lot. I handle most of the day-to-day life admin, school stuff, shopping, cooking, cleaning etc. He’ll help if I ask, but doesn’t really take initiative.

The bigger issue is… I just don’t really fancy him anymore. He’s put on quite a bit of weight over the years, doesn’t really look after himself, and I hate to say it but I find myself feeling quite turned off physically. We very rarely have sex now, partly because of that and partly because I just don’t feel that warmth towards him anymore.

If I’m really honest, he’s never been especially affectionate. Sex has always been… fine, but never amazing. Even when we first got together I don’t think I ever felt that “wow he’s gorgeous” feeling – he had other strengths and that was enough at the time. Now though, I just don’t find him attractive at all, which makes me feel quite sad. It feels like he’s really let himself go.

On top of that, he’s not especially kind or thoughtful towards me day-to-day. He wouldn’t really go out of his way to do something for me, and we don’t have much emotional connection. He doesn’t have close friendships and isn’t very engaged with his own family either. He mostly works, comes home, and then is quite sedentary.

I suppose I’m just feeling a bit stuck and wondering if this is what a lot of long marriages turn into? He’s a good provider and a decent dad in many ways, and there’s nothing “majorly wrong” as such… but I can’t shake the feeling this isn’t the relationship I imagined being in at this stage of life.

Is it normal to just lose attraction like this? Has anyone been here and managed to get it back, or is this a sign of something bigger?

I think because you say you never had that strong attraction in the first place, those resentments you have and physical changes in him are probably harder to overlook than perhaps in other marriages with a stronger initial connection.

Is there someone else you're attracted to at the moment?

No, there is no one else.

I imagine it is fairly normal but it isn’t my experience personally. My DH and I are totally obsessed with each other, probably more so now than 18 years ago when we met. As cheesy as it sounds, I find it’s (the being madly in love) the thing in life that brings me the most joy and makes day to day life kind of magical. Easy for me to say I suppose but I think if you don’t feel that way about your husband and you know you never will, it would be worth ending the relationship. If you decide to work on things what I would say is that affection and kindness and thoughtfulness need to be reciprocal - you have to be actively giving them if you expect to get them in return

Most marriages settle into being settled, relaxed, happy - but the fireworks go.

I don’t care what people say - no initial attraction high lasts through normal life and kids for long.

Been with my partner 14 years and we stopped a sexual relationship 5 years ago, we are early 50s now. We are best friends and it's wonderful we are both happy this way. If one of you isn't, then you need to talk.

That all sounds very sad and a crappy way to live. I’ve been with my dh for over 15 years and I still adore him and fancy him like mad. We have a busy life with children and older step children but he’s my absolute priority and I do whatever I can in a day to take care of him and him me. We work as a team and genuinely enjoy each others company. We have never argued and we laugh daily together and touch all the time. I feel I’m incredibly lucky.

Do you love him?

I think its totally normal for relationships to settle and evolve. We can't always be constantly wanting to rip each others clothes off like you do in the beginning. Those early months and years when you are falling in love are amazing but it very rarely stays that intense.

But hopefully once the intensity fades, what you are left with is togetherness, a best friend, and someone that has your back that you love and trust and you want to grow old with.

My DH and I have been together over 20 years and I still fancy him as much as I always have. I still look at him and think 'Phwoar' and he does with me also. I feel very lucky to have him.

If you don't physically fancy him anymore you need to decide if what is left is still enough for you to want to stay in the relationship. How important is the sexual connection to you?

I think it's what the other poster said if you had an attraction or chemistry you can get it back.
If you didn't it's harder.
Sadly attraction is lots of things and not just looks.
My dh and I had great chemistry for decades now he slobs around and is distant it is v unappealing.
Why don't you ask him to make an effort maybe he is too busy or comfortable to realize the rut you are in.

I’m still attracted to my husband , and we’ve been together for 41 yrs , married for 36 yrs , I find him endlessly entertaining.

I’m in somewhat of a similar boat, together 19 years and married 16. I love spending time with him, we have a wonderful home life and two sons who we love very much. We do lots together as a family, we’re theme park enthusiasts and have been all over visiting different parks. He’s a great day, really shares the load at home and works really hard but I just don’t fancy him. My relationship before him was very volatile, lots of passion and physical attraction but he would take drugs and get messed up, we’d have horrendous fights so going into this relationship with someone who was caring, reliable, stable, kind; it was like night and day but I don’t think ie er felt that mad rush of lust. He very much still fancies me though and has a high sex drive and sometimes I have felt pressured into giving in when he’s trying it on and that really hasn’t felt nice afterwards so there’s some resentment building. I don’t know what the answer is, on the outside we look like the perfect family, I don’t have my eye on someone else or anything, in fact I have no interest in that whatsoever but I just wanted to let you know you’re not alone.

I have a couple of friends who are single though and the dating world looks horrendous. I certainly wouldn’t be putting myself back out there again. Chances are we’ll keep going as we have and I’ll just manage my feelings, there’s a lot of good stuff in our marriage that I’m not ready to chuck in the towel yet. We’re both from divorced families and going into having kids we both said it’s not what we want for our children and I still feel that way.

I don't think it matters what other people do, all that matters is whether what you have works for you.

It doesn't sound like you're happy with the situation. The question is, do you want to try to do something about it?
If you do, then it starts with a conversation. How does he feel? Does he want to do something about this?

You probably can't make yourself fancy him more but you can both increase the level of affection and kindness you are showing to each other. It will take effort from both of you.

If all of that sounds too much like hard work then this situation is only likely to get worse.

Similar boat here. I do still sometimes look at my DH and think he’s a good looking man, but yet I don’t fancy him physically anymore. We don’t really have sex anymore and I never ever would have imagined this would be me in my early(ish) 40s!! I had a big crush on him initially and he ticked a lot of the boxes of being the one to build my family with - I was in love I guess. But maybe I was more in love with the idea of having found the perfect man. Like someone wrote above, I too was in a volatile relationship before with awful fights and ending up in tears on a weekly basis. So when I didn’t have to be upset about anything with my kind and stable DH, it seemed wonderful. But I admit now that I’ve never had great emotional connection to DH, I had my doubts about whether we truly had connection from the beginning. I hate to say it but sex with the volatile partner was always better - and we were intimate enough to talk about sex too. Me and DH don’t at least not for years anymore.

At the same time he’s a decent partner for the daily grind of bringing up our primary age kids. He’s kind, friendly, he is a good father. I would absolutely be very sad to lose our family unit. But I just don’t know if we are romantic partners anymore - and if it could ever return considering all aspects of our relationship weren’t great even at the beginning. And I’m not even sure I want to be in this relationship forever. Gosh. I did marry him thinking we’d last till the end, I really did. Now we don’t even ever talk about the state of our relationship anymore.

I guess my big question also is that will this happen with everyone. I expect not. I expect there’s something in between a drama filled volatile relationship and a marriage without sex and emotional
intimacy. I would consider different things important in a potential partner than I did 15 years ago. Now I’d just like someone to laugh with, to be emotionally intimate with and to maintain interest in sex with over years and decades. I don’t know if this simply couldn’t be my DH, are we just buried under parenting and daily grind - or if he’s just not the one to achieve these things with.

Sounds like the relationship has just run its course. 💐

I don’t think it’s unusual, especially as the years pass.It’s all too easy to become friends rather than anything else, once the attraction goes, the sex follows , once that goes, you are just two people living in the same house, however well you get on

I remember years ago watching an interview with Noel Edmonds. He said relationships move from ‘being in love’ to ‘loving’. I think he’s right.

I find it hard to believe when people say they absolutely adore their husbands and just have sex all the time and fancy them always.
How is that possible? So they not have bad days or bad moods or weight gain or laziness or frustration and annoyance at each other?
I dont have the answer OP but you’re not alone, I feel the same as you but I’m certainly not going to be single and most men out there seem a hell of a lot worse.
It’s a perspective shift I think 🤷‍♀️

I don’t think it’s normal to lose attraction in a marriage. DH and i had a slow burn start to our relationship so i don’t think things always need to start with huge passion but I’ve always found him very attractive and still do - and we’re both considerably heavier than we were when we got together 25+ years ago. For me, sexual intimacy is generally an important part of marriage and, unless both parties are happy without it, it helps to maintain the connection.

Personally i’m a huge fan of the romance of the mundane - i find it wonderful that DH and i, after 25+ years of going through the daily grind of child-rearing, work, bill-paying etc, still find each other interesting and make each other laugh. But it is hard in the early stages of children when they need the most demanding levels of care and attention.

You don’t mention your DCs’ ages but as they get older, you and DH will have a bit more time to nurture the relationship. Attraction is not just a passive thing. The grass is greenest where you water it but it doesn’t sound like either of you are watering it. You might find that showing an interest in your husband as a person, rather than just a co-parent, helps you feel interested in him; also communicating with him about what you need emotionally. After all, you both felt enough of a connection to get married and make a family of 5 so there must have been some pretty strong feelings there once.

This is why you don't marry someone for their consistency and convenience.

You know a lot of women enjoy sex, right? So even if my husband has annoyed me that day, or I've had a bad day, sex is really enjoyable for me so I will still want sex. Sex isnt something I do for me husband. It's something we do together. It isnt a reward for his good husbandy behaviour.

If we do have a bad day, it isn't an awful day where we have really hurt each other. It doesnt make me lose affection for him.

We really like each other. That's key in a long term relationship.

It stems from the emotional distance IMO. If you can strengthen your connection, then all forms of intimacy return including physical. That's exactly how it went for me. Together 19yrs. Went through a rough patch last year, I genuinely wanted it to end and thought we were a lost cause. No attraction of any sort and felt emotionally numb and totally disconnected. We went through counselling and it got a lot better. The feelings and attraction returned. The resentment was worked through. It's not perfect and it's CONSTANT work to keep things healthy but it really stems from the little things. Communication, kindness, grace and understanding. Best wishes OP.

But even in the “loving instead of being in love” stage, wouldn’t most people still feel like they want to be physically close, have sex with their partner and feel emotionally connected?

This
A really strong genuine attraction to all parts of someone can last forever
So many people settle though and yes it is normal for it to fade. Normal as in it clearly happens a lot

BUT that doesn’t mean you have to live like that. Life is too short, I got out and now I’m with someone who makes everything in me somersault

Not sure if it's normal, but it's common.
It probably wasn't so common before the 19th century, because so many people died so young, before their passion had a chance to fade.