Is losing attraction in a marriage normal?

[SchoolrunGardener]

Married 14 years, 3 kids, fairly traditional setup (I work part-time, he works long hours and earns well). He’s a good dad in that he’ll do things with the kids and takes them to some sports clubs, but he does tend to moan at them a lot. I handle most of the day-to-day life admin, school stuff, shopping, cooking, cleaning etc. He’ll help if I ask, but doesn’t really take initiative.

The bigger issue is… I just don’t really fancy him anymore. He’s put on quite a bit of weight over the years, doesn’t really look after himself, and I hate to say it but I find myself feeling quite turned off physically. We very rarely have sex now, partly because of that and partly because I just don’t feel that warmth towards him anymore.

If I’m really honest, he’s never been especially affectionate. Sex has always been… fine, but never amazing. Even when we first got together I don’t think I ever felt that “wow he’s gorgeous” feeling – he had other strengths and that was enough at the time. Now though, I just don’t find him attractive at all, which makes me feel quite sad. It feels like he’s really let himself go.

On top of that, he’s not especially kind or thoughtful towards me day-to-day. He wouldn’t really go out of his way to do something for me, and we don’t have much emotional connection. He doesn’t have close friendships and isn’t very engaged with his own family either. He mostly works, comes home, and then is quite sedentary.

I suppose I’m just feeling a bit stuck and wondering if this is what a lot of long marriages turn into? He’s a good provider and a decent dad in many ways, and there’s nothing “majorly wrong” as such… but I can’t shake the feeling this isn’t the relationship I imagined being in at this stage of life.

Is it normal to just lose attraction like this? Has anyone been here and managed to get it back, or is this a sign of something bigger?

OP, my marriage was like that. didn’t fancy him to begin with- he was a decent bloke etc and had other good qualities- marriage was completely sexless in the last few years as I just couldn’t bring myself to do it anymore, he became quite nasty as well but I think the main issue was that I was never attracted to him in the first place.
In my relationship now, we’ve been together for 4 1/2 years and I still think he’s the most handsome man I’ve ever laid eyes on. we’re very physical and have regular sex, and it’s still that “phwoar” feeling when I touch him.
you can’t force attraction. the chemistry has to be there. yes, sex can dwindle off, but when the spark is there, it doesn’t take long to rekindle. my advice would be to get out of that marriage and start afresh, as that’s such a miserable and lonely way to live.

Prior to the 19th century most marriages would have been arranged marriages not love matches, so there wouldn't have been "passion" to fade.

Also, people didn't die that young. Average life expectancy was only superficially low because so many babies and young children died.

I think some of our modern expectations about long term relationships are not very realistic. Of course we're not going to feel the "spark" of a new relationship indefinitely - love and excitement about someone new are not the same. It's normal for things to change and for effort to be required. Doesn't mean you should chuck it in the bin and join Tinder.

Ah how sad 😢 I am estimating that you are in your 40’s how have you kept yourself? Does he feel the same? Start by getting yourself into a top looking 40s make yourself attractive to other men and feel good about yourself when you do that it will be time to talk to him and explain how you feel you are young and deserve to be loved and treated properly I am old and married to my beautiful wife for 56 years we have had a great life with some ups and downs unfortunately 6 years ago she got dementia and I care for her at home and my love gets stronger
you deserve love respect and joy
i wish you well
kevin

Yes. It’s not just about sex. No one in hanging from the chandeliers after a few years. You settle into a (hopefully) relaxed and happy relationship.

I don’t believe anyone that says that they are 💯 non argument after years. Do leave off. If it’s true, the relationship lacks passion. 🙄

But, I do think making love is important throughout. No one is ever too old. 👍

It sounds like you 'settled' at the very beginning of your marriage. If he's not your rock and vice versa and there's no passion it's time to end it. And it's not the lack of sexual attraction that is the deciding factor.

Just wanted to say you’re not alone OP. I’m not quite 40 and feel the same with my husband. We’ve been together 12 years, married for 10 and have 2 youngish children. He is an amazing Dad, really does his fair share around the house and supports us financially. It’s so hard because I just don’t feel any kind of attraction but I have so much love for him.
it feels very selfish to implode our entire family unit for the lack of attraction.

You haven’t just lost attraction. Your relationship is in very bad shape based on what you’ve described. If you don’t have an emotional connection and he’s not kind to you, would it even matter if you thought he looked great?

Absolutely normal, but don't let it ruin things forever, we all change with age and circumstances!

Try to keep the romance going, none of us are exactly the same person any more that our partners fell in love with, we're older, wiser, different shapes etc etc but that's all part of life!

Could you suggest doing something active together, goong out for nice long walks with the kids maybe? Say to him you’d like to get fit together? If you make it a thing you both do he might be encouraged to look after himself more, just a thought. I’ve put on a ton of weight lately and need to sort myself out. My husband is really trim!

Endlessly entertaining?

This is ridiculous.

Tbf OP, your husband has put on a lot of weight and 'let himself go'. I assume that means he doesn't wash much.
Coupled with a lack of emotional attachment I'm not surprised you dont fancy him. Everyone ages, but getting fat and not washing would turn most people off i think.

I think you need to decide if the marriage is worth saving. Presumably you must have been happy and satisfied once?

Think back to those times and remember the feelings you had. Could you feel them again if he did something about his weight spruced himself up?

. Even when we first got together I don’t think I ever felt that “wow he’s gorgeous” feeling – he had other strengths and that was enough at the time.

This part of your post jumps out!
Also the fact you don’t feel warm to him in other ways.

Why is it?

My partner and I have been together 16 years and I feel the same.

edited to say that it’s ok if people don’t feel that way though, it doesn’t mean they don’t love each other.

I understand still liking and being attracted.

But endlessly entertaining? After years together? No.

Just because you haven’t experienced that, doesn’t mean it doesn’t exist.

My partner is the most entertaining person I know, I would choose to spend time with him over anyone else I’ve ever met. He’s my best friend, we are different but the same, we have endless discussions and debates, make each other laugh, plan trips together, share the same values etc etc

Sorry but it sounds like you started from a bad place so it was never going to get better. Is it normal? No. Is it common: sadly yes.

Hello just wanted to say if you're both knackered at this stage of life and not looking after yourselves physically that may be impacting your libidos. In my own situation, when I'm doing more exercise I feel more desirable for having a better physique and extra energy. In turn, there is a marked uptick in DH's interest in me when he is getting out regularly for exercise himself and feeling good about himself, and because I am in better shape too. I think most couples experience peaks and troughs at different stages of life and this is completely normal. Might be time though to sit down and have a conversation about prioritising your relationship and your joint health and wellbeing. We have several young children, so unfortunately not at going out date night stage. But in addition to making sure Sat night is reserved for us to have a couple of drinks and some adult time after kids are in bed, I also ask for lingerie for special occasions which focuses the mind for both of us. Emotional connection is an ongoing work in progress here!

Why on earth is this ridiculous? I miss my DH being more entertaining and by that mean being made laugh, having fun together. Also having interesting and entertaining conversations.

Because that 'fascinated' stage is just that. A stage. Yes, you chat and find him interesting. Yes, he's your go-to favourite person. Yes, your marriage to him may well be the bedrock of your life. But 'endlessly entertaining'? No. It's bullshit. Hanging on every word of a bloke you see day in, day out? Not real.