Angry partner

[TiredOfTheShitShow]

This is my first time posting. I’m in a relatively new relationship, we have been together for 2 years and lived together for nearly 1 year. Our first year together was amazing and we decided quickly to crack on and make it more official with her moving in with me.

She moved here which is about 1hr15 from her home town. She moved her son’s school to be local to here but kept her job which she commutes to 3 times a week.

She moved in with myself and my own kids who are pretty independent as one is in college, one is just finishing high school and the youngest is in her second year of high school.

My issue is that my partner gets angry very quickly and over small things. Recently is was because we were packing after being away and I moved her wash bag to the car. This creates tension. I respond calmly but she always escalates it. It inevitably ends up in an argument and tbh I’m just exhausted.

When it’s great we are perfect, but you never know what will flare it. She’s incredibly neat and tidy and I think living with teenagers has been a shock. She is always going on about cups being left out and shoes not on the rack. If you ask the kids they move it but they don’t always do it by default. I don’t let them get away with it but it can be like banging your head against a brick wall sometimes but she seems to think my teens are unusual and that I should just lay down the law. I have a great relationship with my kids, they care, do nice things and are thoughtful, but they’re not perfect.

We had a huge row recently and it nearly ended us. She came and was full of tension but for no apparent reason, I went quiet because I don’t like the confrontation and was told it’s my fault because I was ‘like a moody teenager’. This is why she became angry.

She’s now admitted that she is struggling to control her anger. Recently we have had slamming doors and raging in the shower (I could hear her) because I couldn’t decide what to do on my birthday. She’s 49 and I think in menopause but not on any medication.

I just feel at a loss. I pull my weight in the relationship, I work very hard at work and I’m the main bread winner in the household. She pays £500 towards food and I cover the rest. She hates me being away from her and as a result I hardly see my friends. If I plan to see them it has to have a time limit.

I want to make this work but I’m struggling. Has anyone survived menopausal anger?

She is controlling if she puts a limit on you seeing friends and you stop seeing them to keep her quiet.

Never mind the menopause-that's no excuse for her limiting time you spend with your friends-thats controlling.

Getting irritated over a washbag is ridiculous. If she could see she was in the wrong and said sorry for snapping is one thing. If she didn't then there's probably not going to be any change. You need to sit down with her and have a discussion about her anger issues. You shouldn't have to live like this and neither should your dcs.

This relationship is not healthy..not for you or especially not for your kids who sound normal and regular. How dare she come into their home and start bossing everyone around. She has no authority over your kids. If you continue this relationship you are in danger of losing the close relationship you have with your kids. My advice is end this as menopause or no menopause this is not on. If she was your partner of many years you might accept some mood changes at this age as you would know what she was like normally but no reason to put up with this after such a short time. Time to call it a day is my strong advice.

I think you mean angry ex-partner.

End it

The insecurity and lack of trust needs to be addressed.

She’s a controlling nightmare who is negatively impacting your kids lives in their own home. Youve rushed into moving her and her kid in far too quickly and now you’re seeing what a wrong move it was.

Put your kids first and end this. Don’t allow a moody control freak to dictate to your family life. Your kids haven’t had a choice here - stop failing them

We have had many discussions and it was getting better. Recently the relationship has been under more pressure due to some outside issues we couldn’t control. I asked her to go to therapy not long after we moved in together. She says when her anger flares she’s angry at herself but it spills out. I have laid it out that this will end us if it carries on. After our initial argument she will always go away and come back and admit fault, apologise and say she will work on it. But yesterday was an admission that when it starts to build she doesn’t know how to stop it. She says it’s like an out of body experience.

My kids love her. She has a great relationship with them and her moods have been pretty much exclusively dealt with away from the kids. My middle child sensed something was off and begged me to fix it because she sees her as a second mum.

Well your partner admitting that she is struggling is a good start. Could she try counselling or see a doctor if it is menopausal?
Having said that, you make quite a few points that are nothing to do with menopause. Wanting to be with you all the time. Not liking it if you see your friends. Blaming you for her anger. All of this is controlling behaviour.
It is interesting the first year before she moved in was “amazing”- have you heard of love bombing? Think carefully because committing to this partner is clearly risky. She is paying not v much to live with you and have all her bills covered. Why don’t you suggest to her that you might get on better if you didn’t live together? I suspect that would make her furious- which kind of proves the point doesn’t it?
Im suspicious of this “I can’t control my anger” argument. I bet she manages to with her own child, work colleagues etc.

This isn’t working for you. She needs to either sort out her anger issues or leave.

Think of your poor children. This is not fair on them.

Have lived with someone who used to say they were angry at themselves. Doesn't make any difference as their anger puts you on edge ALL the time, its constant, draining and it gets miserable, boring. Doesn't matter that your eldest sees her as a second mum. Trust me, from firsthand experience, eventually your dd that loves her will be treading on eggshells as will you. Just end it.
Edited to add that saying shes angry with herself is just deflecting and making out its ok, that's shes not taking it out on anyone else. Well, she is, because her behaviour affects everyone else.

She needs to move out and get help.

2 years in and your kids love her and look at her as a second mum? You don’t think this is all a bit too much too soon?
Honestly? It sounds like you’re trying to convince yourself it’s some sort of Brady Bunch rather than admit you’ve made a mistake by moving a volatile angry control freak under your roof and everyone treading on eggshells.

She hates me being away from her and as a result I hardly see my friends. If I plan to see them it has to have a time limit.

That's controlling. That's trying to isolate you and put a wedge between you and your support network. I think your problem is that she's abusive.

If you're not ready to call it quits yet, stop caving in to her.

Start seeing your friends more.
Stop letting her shrink your world.
No more time limits, you're not a child with a curfew.

There's being respectful of your partner giving them a heads up on your plans (eg. "I'm going out with mates on Friday, probably be back late, don't wait up") and there's being controlled.

Have much stronger boundaries with her.

Life really is too short..Move on..

Your teens don’t “love her” - trust me.
Teens won’t “love” someone whom their parent only clapped eyes on for the first time 2 years ago.
At best, they’re cordial for your sake.
It must be hellish to have an angry outsider moved into their home/safe haven, who constantly tries to call the shots and pulls them up on things IN THEIR OWN HOME.
Try to imagine how you’d find it - if your eldest teen moved a randomer in, who constantly tried to control every scenario, shouted at you, and was jealous towards them?

Please get rid. For your sake and for your children’s sake.

ps: I also feel massively for your partners DC who had to move schools within 12 months of their mum having found a new shag partner 🥴.

I never understand why people stay in relationships like this.

Love is not enough. Just move on

When you speak to elderly people. The biggest regret you hear is never leaving the partner they had to walk on eggshells around.

OP

"My kids love her. She has a great relationship with them and her moods have been pretty much exclusively dealt with away from the kids. My middle child sensed something was off and begged me to fix it because she sees her as a second mum"

What do you want to teach your children about relationships and what are they learning here?.

No, no and no again. This is not the relationship model to be showing them. Your kids just want to see you happy (they do not love her) and this woman is not making you at all happy. She is showing you the nice nasty cycle of abuse which is also a continuous one. It is also around the 18 months to two year mark that abusers start to further ramp up the power and control here just as she is doing with you. There have likely been indicators beforehand too (red flags) that you have simply not recognised as such or perhaps just minimised.

It is also not your job to be some rehab centre to her which is worrying too because your middle child is begging you to fix it. She is a woman who has moved into your home all too quickly (she saw and otherwise targeted your weakened boundaries) and is patently not a second mum to your kids.

This cannot be fixed. Better to be on your own with the kids than to be so badly accompanied as you are now.

And it is always other people's fault (ie yours) that she gets angry, never her own. Again that is the mindset of an abuser.

Men can be in abusive relationships too and you are in one with her. The only acceptable level of abuse in a relationship is none so to all intents and purposes now it's over. And she will not ever go to therapy because she also feels she is doing nothing wrong here re you.

How well do you know her at all?. What if anything do you know about her family background?. Very little I suspect. You made a huge error or judgment moving her in and from the ways she behaves towards you it's highly probable she grew up in a violent and or otherwise abusive home environment. This is learnt behaviour from her parents.

I would also assume she does not treat other people or work colleagues like she does you. I would get her out of your lives asap before you and your kids further start walking on eggshells aka living in fear around her. It is ok to walk away and your home needs to be an abuse free one because it is not currently.

OP
re your comment:
"Recently we have had slamming doors and raging in the shower (I could hear her) because I couldn’t decide what to do on my birthday. She’s 49 and I think in menopause but not on any medication".

Again another red flag here re the slamming of doors. You do realise that is in itself an example of domestic violence. Her rage in the shower was your fault in her mind - again the mind set of an abusive person.

You cannot put this down to menopause!!!. She is also controlling you and that is also abusive behaviour from her. This is who she is and always has been; it's just been more hidden until now. And now she will continue to further up the power and control antes against you and your kids.

You have a choice re this person and your kids do not. Please make better choices for yourself and your kids by now getting her out of your home. Do not put your own relationship with them at risk because of this interloper.

ManKind initiative's website would be of great service to you

https://mankind.org.uk/

She doesn't let you see your friends? Massive red flag. She is raging in the house regularly. Another red flag.

Agree. These poor kids have been dragged into a shitshow due to their selfish patents putting their sex life ahead of thinking what is best for all involved.

But we see it time and time again on MN - kids ending up in unhappy blended families they have no choice in because the parents put themselves first.

You’ve had a lot of good advice here OP. This is far too much too soon, and your teens will know what’s happening even if you think you’re keeping it away from them. You’re not. You need to prioritise them far more than you’ve done already.
It’s been rather convenient for you so far. She’s had the upheaval of moving in with you (albeit far too quickly as you clearly didn’t know each other well by that stage) and you’ve had all the benefits of your life changing very little except you now have sex on tap. I expect you’ll not find it easy to set aside your needs to put your family first, but this is what needs to happen. Otherwise you’re teaching your teens some awful lessons about what relationships are like and this will set their expectations of normality for the future.
Do you have it in you to ask her to leave? This is the only solution.

We dont know if op is male or female.
Whatever.
Send this lady back and advise her to seek help via her gp.
You cannot fix her.

she doesn’t know how to stop it. She says it’s like an out of body experience.

So she needs serious medical intervention.
Not in your skillset to fix.