How to cope when your partner's chronic pain is affecting family life

[Pteradon]

Hi all. I’m so very unhappy and I am not sure there are any solutions, I just need to vent. But I would really, really appreciate it if people didn’t post offering medical advice or wha worked for them, that’s not what my thread is about.

I have a husband and two little children, aged five and two. It’s fair to say I’ve always done the lions share of childcare. Things got easier when my eldest started school in September. But a few months ago DH acquired an injury of some sorts and it seems to have triggered some sciatica and pain in his hip.

Since then life has been unbearable. All I seem to hear is winces, groans, exclamations of pain and yelps. He’s grumpy with the children, he complains constantly. His main topic of conversation is how much pain he’s in, how he can’t sleep because of it. I’ve had the children 24/7 all week because of Easter holidays; this morning he took them to the park for a while and intentionally or otherwise made me feel so bad because he came back limping and complaining and wincing.

Before I met DH I had a disc prolapse in my back, so I am not unsympathetic to the awful and devastating effects it has on your life, relationships, work, everything. But I’m also being massively affected here. Living with someone groaning and moaning all the time and whose sole focus is his own pain is just grinding me down. I was dreading the Easter holiday because I knew it would be four solid days of this and Good Friday (ha!) isn’t over yet and I feel so low and miserable, like there’s nothing good or happy or positive in life at all. It’s really triggered depression in me too.

I don’t know if anyone has anything useful to suggest (not on managing his pain - please!) just on how to survive this without becoming seriously depressed myself.

Sciatica is nerve pain.

gps these days are encouraged to keep people off strong painkillers as much as possible so being brutally honest if he goes to gp with sciatica and bad back they’ll tell him to do exercises and take paracetamol.

op, it does sound like you took on a lot of the burden of early childhood and your h didn’t step up.
i totally understand your resentment on that part because my then husband was the same.

I think you are hitting problems now because you want him to step up but it is clearly and visibly unreasonable to ask someone so in pain to step up and yet you do also need a break.

things could be worse. I eventually had to give up work as my disability progressed and I’m no longer able to work.

if it were just you and the kids would you cope? I actually feel happier away from my ExH because although I can’t do much at least I don’t constantly have another adult pushing at me to do more and get out with him.

worst case from your perspective is a separation and then he’s so ill he can’t work so you get no cms. Could you cope in that situation?

in the meantime I suggest trying to rope jn whatever family and other help you can find.

How does he manage to travel/ work if hes in so much pain?
@Pteradon

Our GP gave me gabapentin for sciatica which has worked. I have issues with spinal stenosis. The consultant said keep taking them. I take one in the morning, one at night. The spasms haven't returned. But I do need to keep moving.

You say you’ve only spoken to him a little bit about this. You need to sit down and really explain the impact this is having on you. Use ‘I’ statements. He’s not there as a fully functioning member of the family which has a great impact on you and your kids, physically and emotionally and is leading to resentment. Think about whether you want this long term. It doesn’t sound like he’s doing everything he can to change the status quo so the onus is on you to make choices.

I’m living with constant chronic pain due to an autoimmune disorder so yes I know it’s malarkey that women are expected to grin and bear it when we have chronic pain. Women like you who think that way must be trying for the kind of sainthood that comes from being a martyr.

Secondly, the entire concept of grin and bear it, you can’t possibly let any pain
or suffering show not even to your partner is toxic.

It’s not going to improve the relationship to say “Love, I know you’re in agony but stuff a sock in it and take the kids to park run”

It’s not going to improve the relationship to advise OP to sit with her husband and make his pain all about her. “I know you are in so much pain you can barely move but it affects me to see you in pain, so you’re going to have to hide it. It means I have to do all this extra work around the house which is so unfair and tiring. Why can’t you just dose up and pretend you aren’t in pain so I can pretend you’re fine? Your wincing and groans are so annoying, worse than an asthmatic having an attack with their constant coughing and wheezing.”

What is going to improve the relationship is getting to the root cause of the pain and either getting the medical care for it, or getting pain management for it.

Hi all. I did talk to DH last night. I apologised for being irritable with him yesterday, I know I probably shouldn’t have had to but I was looking to repair and resolve rather than to blame and condemn if you like.

I did explain that I felt guilty asking him for anything - he was a bit defensive but then did settle and I think we really got to the heart of the matter which is that we’re both low, easily irritated and tired. It’s all superficial stuff: pain, poor sleep (I really thought at nearly three DD would have settled sleep wise) and work and young children.

So I think we’re in a better place now. We haven’t solved the problems but we are facing them together and that’s what we need to do.

I'm glad you were able to speak to your DH and you're both in a better place. My advice is harsh, and only works if the other person actually cares about their impact on others: tell him you understand he's in pain and it's terrible and you wish you could take it away. But you're both doing all you can (whatever that may be - taking medication, physio, baths, meditation etc) and he needs to manage his pain so it doesn't impact on everyone else all the time.

Still curious how he has so much pain he can't parent but can manage regular sex? Do you do all the hard work there too?🤔😂

Where did I say women are expected to grin and bear it? I said that I bet that would be the case with the OP due to the information she provided. Stop trying to twist what I’m saying to develop your own narrative.

Positive outcomes, are influenced by a positive mindset. Doubt causes fear and insecurity. Confidence and vision to work hard and change things for the better is good time and effort. You have to go and chase good things, luck doesnt exist.

The MRI scan didnt show anything. The Physio couldnt do anything and the Chiropractor isn't managing to work miracles either?
I'd say this was a very good excuse for doing sod all in the family and getting you to do it all.
Lets see what happens when the boys invite him out.

Does he work? Do you thing he'd carry on like that in a meeting or with colleagues?

This is good to hear. Talking really really helps.

I remember being offered a surgery on my spine where they implant an electrode device directly onto the nerves leading down the affected leg.
I so didnt want that as id heard bad stories about the power pack being uncomfortable. But I was considering it for the sake of my wife. Until we talked it through and I realised I wasn't on my own to make desicions like that.

However. The night feeds and wake ups after your cesarian and him not doing them. Thats not good enough.
My wife had an emergency cesarian with our first and a planned one for our second for health reasons. I did everything I could as I loved that time at night with the baby. Maybe a bit too much as both of them would get excited and not go back to sleep for ages. But that was ok. More time reading to them or rocking them :)

When your both low. Its easy to hold onto memories of let downs and not think about the good things. Talking together really helps.

Buy him copies of Healing Back Pain and The Mindbody Solution by Dr Sarno, and The Way Out by Alan Gordon. If things are really on the edge you could tell him he has to read, digest and act on them if he wants the marriage to continue. Hopefully they will cure his pain and your marriage woes! (They changed my life)

The back pain feels like a bit of a red herring. He has form for prioritising his own needs over yours and the children - is this not a continuation of that in a different guise?

I was trying to find the words to describe my thinking and this is it.

Dr Sarno's theories also helped my partner. But please, check them out yourself before giving the books to him. Some people might find Sarno's ideas off-putting - it's easy to misinterpret what he says, and assume you're being told that "it's all in your head". That's not what he means, but it can seem like a dismissal, which won't help your relationship.