How to cope when your partner's chronic pain is affecting family life

[Pteradon]

Hi all. I’m so very unhappy and I am not sure there are any solutions, I just need to vent. But I would really, really appreciate it if people didn’t post offering medical advice or wha worked for them, that’s not what my thread is about.

I have a husband and two little children, aged five and two. It’s fair to say I’ve always done the lions share of childcare. Things got easier when my eldest started school in September. But a few months ago DH acquired an injury of some sorts and it seems to have triggered some sciatica and pain in his hip.

Since then life has been unbearable. All I seem to hear is winces, groans, exclamations of pain and yelps. He’s grumpy with the children, he complains constantly. His main topic of conversation is how much pain he’s in, how he can’t sleep because of it. I’ve had the children 24/7 all week because of Easter holidays; this morning he took them to the park for a while and intentionally or otherwise made me feel so bad because he came back limping and complaining and wincing.

Before I met DH I had a disc prolapse in my back, so I am not unsympathetic to the awful and devastating effects it has on your life, relationships, work, everything. But I’m also being massively affected here. Living with someone groaning and moaning all the time and whose sole focus is his own pain is just grinding me down. I was dreading the Easter holiday because I knew it would be four solid days of this and Good Friday (ha!) isn’t over yet and I feel so low and miserable, like there’s nothing good or happy or positive in life at all. It’s really triggered depression in me too.

I don’t know if anyone has anything useful to suggest (not on managing his pain - please!) just on how to survive this without becoming seriously depressed myself.

@Pteradon i know what you mean there is only so much moaning you can take. At the end of the day you are both parents. It’s just really tough not to get frustrated because it’s like being a single parent sometimes but actually even worse in a way. Ugh it’s just really shit. At least my dh goes through good and bad phases. If he was in the bad phase constantly (lying there moaning and groaning ) I don’t actually know if I could stick it to be honest.

I’m not sure this is going to be helpful but maybe it will be.

i have chronic pain after being in an accident.
i don’t talk about it unless I’m having a moan with someone equally disabled at my suppprt group.

but equally even if you don’t talk about it it’s hard to hide completely how much it impacts you. If you get up and get a sudden twinge it’s really bloody hard not to let that cross your face.

I go pale and start looking visibly tired and my whole body moves slower. Anyone can see when I am in a lot of pain.

I was in my accident when my kids were pre teens and it just wasn’t possible to hide all my pain from them.

your kids are much younger. They’ll need a lot of physical looking after (especially the two year old) which your h may or may not simply be able to do.

i understand your resentment. My then husband stepped up and took on a load of household stuff (admittedly not to the standards my children were happy with) but as it went on for years he got more and more resentful and angry that it had happened to him (although it had actually happened to me…)

he’s now remarried to someone who isn’t disabled and has two new kids.

his resentment and anger led to him drinking a lot (because he felt unable to leave me or the kids but hated being around me) and then he got abusive

try therapy, you need to acknowledge and deal with your feelings. I don’t know if your dh is putting himself through lots of pain trying to keep up and do as much as he can or is just in a bit of pain and is pulling a fast one. But you need to talk to someone. And I don’t recommend drowning your sorrows.

@Jellybunny98 i haven’t said anything to him. For the first time today I expressed a bit of annoyance. I asked him a question and he pulled a face and winced and my face must have revealed I was fed up as he was saying ‘what? What?’ I answered with something like it was relentless misery. He retorted with it was worse for him which of course is true. I have to admit I don’t know what to do: no easy answers.

@TheIceBear it is being a single parent but in a home with someone making everything ten times harder. The kids are always hard work when DH is around at the best of times and I do feel frustrated as I’ve tried to put boundaries in place re climbing and jumping on furniture; they don’t do that with me but when DH is here they are like a couple of monkeys on him and it’s because he’s encouraged it.

Thing with therapy is I have to find time to do it. And fund it. Both time and money are short.

Is there a chance it’s psychological if the MRI showed no issue? How is he when he has other ailments like the cold? Does he tend to suck it up and get on with things or is he a bit mopey? It’s interesting how different people react to pain. My mum had extreme pain from rheumatoid arthritis for 15 years till she got an ankle replacement last year - most of the time, you would never had known other than the limping and silent wincing but I know from the doctor it was 9/10 on the pain scale. She was stoic to a fault. I manage a team of people and a couple of them (men, as it happens) are waaayy self indulgent in their moaning when they have any kind of ailment or mild illness. Maybe it irritates me because my Mum is the “suck it up and get bloody on with it” type and so I am too. I’d really struggle in your shoes and would probably have told him to STFU ages ago so well done for not exploding.

I hear you. My mum lived with my dad being in chronic pain and flatly refusing to not moan and groan about it for over 50 years. It affected our childhood massively because we learnt just to leave dad out of the equation when it came to anything remotely approaching ordinary life and there are 6 of us!!! Somehow, i don't have any practical suggestions, space needs to be created for you as well as him, otherwise this will turn into bitterness and drudgery (I saw how my mum's initial 'sickness and health' attitude turned to bitterness and anger because she never had any time just to 'be' her. Is he still able to look after the children effectively? Take yourself out even just for a few hours , sit and drink coffee and think about nothing. Your brain is screaming out for space.

I think the problem is that he wasn’t pulling his weight before, and is even more of a burden now, which makes it worse. In all honesty OP do you feel like he’s exaggerating? If yes, that will absolutely create resentment for you.

Regardless of his health he is still a husband and father, and he needs to behave like it, because I’m betting if the shoe was on the other foot you’d be expected to grin and bear it. I would probably tell him that we need to have a conversation about everything and arrange a time when the kids do not need to be there (can someone babysit?) And I’d probably start by asking him what he sees the future looking like if his health does not improve. How is he planning on managing the pain? How is he planning on making sure his relationship with you and the children aren’t affected. Put the ball in his court-ask him for solutions.

If he doesn’t give them and then act upon them then you have your answer: being a husband and father is not his priority. You can then think about your response.

Do not make yourself responsible for finding a solution for him-he needs to do that. Do not compare illnesses or talk about pain thresholds or anything. None of that is the point. The point is that illness does not stop a person being a parent or a partner. This responsibilities do not cease to exist, and if this is his new normal he needs to develop coping mechanisms for continuing to fulfil his obligations.

That’s the thing; initially you’re sympathetic and concerned but as time goes on it just becomes the new normal.

I actually had two nice days with the children. Wednesday he rang to ask if I’d mind if he stayed over in a hotel rather than come home and honestly all I felt was relief. Then he came back yesterday night and sat down to eat dinner and all I had was wincing and a number of jibes aimed at me so I just went to bed. I knew today would be awful and I wasn’t wrong.

We’re both very tired, I know this. DD (nearly three 🙄) still doesn’t sleep through and I’ve pretty much lost any hope of this happening until she’s well into her primary years but it does get to me. Once she’s woken me (usually twice) I struggle to get back to sleep, especially the second time. And you just know no matter how tired you are DH is more tired. I had very little for me anyway and now I have nothing.

@BelBridge to be fair I don’t think he is exaggerating. I’ve just run out of suitable things to say in response to his pain.

Generally what I get is just a bit of a running commentary on his pain and how this part of his body hurts or that part. It’s so difficult living as a single parent with the other parent around as well.

It is super frustrating to see someone in constant excruciating pain and the NHS isn’t taking it seriously and no one seems to know why or how to help.

Have the doctors looked at causes other than his back? Kidney, liver, pancreas, colon diseases can all present as back pain. They should have run some blood and stool tests. All I can say is he needs to be a complete pest and being going to the GP twice a week until they get to the bottom of it.

What a load of malarkey.
Expected to grin and bear it if the shoe were on the other foot? Not in a million years.

@Pteradon
Interesting that he is wincing even as you ask him a question?
There is nothing on MRI but he still has such severe pain he cant do anything other than work/ sex ?🤔

Hmm honestly it sounds like he is Avoidant and has got into the habit of blaming his pain ?
He either has Complex Pain Syndrome , in which case he needs to see a Pain Management Specialist Team or he has adopted this as a way to avoid doing things he doesnt want to do

I say this a someone with degenerative and several slipped discs

So you think a man who was coasting to begin with would become a knight in shining armour if his wife became ill? Do you know the number of men who instigate a divorce when their wife becomes chronically ill? It really isn’t malarkey regardless of how much you may wish to believe it.

And the OP literally said she doesn’t want posters to make suggestions about his medical care but instead wants to focus on their relationship-so instead of your post about doctors etc. why don’t you do that?

My NHS x-rays showed nothing. I went privately had x-ray and MRI. Both showed lumber issues and two hips stage 4 arthritis with femoral head collapse.

I don't trust the NHS anymore.

But the theatrical wincing and groaning would do my head in if my husband did it.

OP, it's not his pain that's causing the issue - it's his reaction to it. He's wallowing, indulging and opting out of family life while making sure everyone else is dragged down by his misery. However you have a choice whether or not you tolerate it and the impact it's having.

Performative male pain is the biggest ick on the planet.

Agreed.

Easy to say, but can you carve out some space for you? Can family take the kids for a bit and you get to go sit in a cafe or mooch about the shops - I mean spa day too if that’s affordable… I think it is the sense of it being constant and has no obvious end that is wearing… your feelings are valid even if they are uncomfortable to live with.

My understanding is that the best thing for chronic back pain is gentle exercise so I would be suggesting he goes out for hour long walks twice a day. Kill two birds with one stone - help his back and give you some peace.

This
Exercise is highly encouraged so its a bit odd hes not been advised to do this .

Hi OP , I'm living with chronic pain at the moment (waiting for surgery which is complex and can't be done privately so im in for a long time). Im really aware of the amount of times i say I'm in pain , it's awful (so ive just stopped unless its when i gets so bad i cant move , vomit etc )is he aware how it's making you feel?
For me , I wake up early about 5 , so I can have an hour before the kids get up (5 and 1). I dose myself up on painkillers, have an hour to sit. Then get up and crack on , then I'm shatterd come bedtime . But I push through and dose up. I'd get him strong painkillers, which while isn't ideal you can't go on like this with young children. Ive taken the kids out solo the last 3 days . I often wonder if my DP lived with the pain I have how he'd react...I imagine it would be very diffrent and hed be like your DH. I ended up with sepsis so it's not minor.

Ok. I will leave. I have actually been one of the supportive people. On both threads. But you dont want advice in pain relief OR on what you should think about doing, but do want to rant, that works too.

Thanks all. There aren’t any easy or simple solutions here but it has ground me down a lot lately. I am not an unkind or uncaring person but you do reach a limit where there’s just nothing more you can say or do

Yes, I could have him out of the house indefinitely but that’s not really a solution and it isn’t fair on our children.

Yes, I could insist he tries every form of pain relief suggested and every form of physio and exercise but if that doesn’t work (and it didn’t for me; it isn’t a given) then what do you do?

I don’t think he’s purposefully wallowing but he’s certainly not thinking of the impact on others and it does impact others. That’s where that line between sympathy and compassion and impatience and exasperation starts to become blurred.

And it’s true, I’m pissed off. I underwent an emergency c section with ds and afterwards muddled through with a newborn. I can cut him some slack for that; we were both new to parenting and making it up as we went along. But in my second pregnancy he let me continue taking the heavy load with a toddler; I was at a soft play centre days before my second section was scheduled, and after the section he dicked about doing stuff in the house rather than helping with DD and then went back to work after a week, leaving me wrangling a newborn and an active two year old. My wound ended up getting infected which was 🤢 And I’ve done the night wakes and the early mornings and taken them out for the day and nearly lost my mind last year with a one year old and three year old and now our youngest is approaching three and life should be getting easier and now he’s wincing and groaning … it’s hard not to get frustrated!

I’ve had a decade of this. I completely understand how you feel about the constant pain noises and it bringing on depression. It’s really difficult. I’m more used to it now and my DP does stop himself from talking about it all the time.

I’d say have a couple of evenings alone at least (after the children are in bed) - I like to get on the bed and watch my own shows or YouTube just so I get me time.

Only ask him once or twice a day how he’s doing. You don’t need to react to every pain.

I had a misdiagnosed crushed bone in my ankle that I walked on for three years.

I hated moaning as I didnt want my wife to live with that.

It did get sorted but then the second operation kicked off something called Complex Regional Pain Syndrome. And oh my gosh. The pain in the first year was awful. Again. I hated my wife thinking of me as pathetic or moaning so I just got on. We did talk about it as I started to become grumpy. Hard not to with constant pain.

I thought I was managing it well. But sitting down and discussing it really helped.

It was ok to be called out as grumpy when it was bad and it was ok for me to say its a bit too bad today so im going to have a being pathetic day.

Talking is the key thing though because pain in one does impact both of you.

I also got sciatica from walking differently and hated that. But I made damn sure I was there always when needed for the kids and my wife. Days out. Long walks. I was not missing or spoiling any of those. Its years later and under control. So now my body has hit me with ulcerative colitis. To me its just something that needs to not be in control or effect our life.

Knowing my wife and kids know it can get bad is helpful as is knowing when im being a grump so I can consciously stamp it out and be present and happy.

I hope you and your husband find a balance.

A massive amount of what you're struggling here seems to be related to relationship issues from before his injury - his utter lack of consideration for you post-surgery (a Caesarian section is serious abdominal surgery, as I'm sure you know but apparently he doesn't!), his general uselessness as a parent, the resentment you feel towards him because he has expected you to do all of the hard bits. Basically he wasn't at all sympathetic when you were struggling so now you're finding it difficult to be sympathetic towards him. Does this sound accurate?

In the short term:

• Suggest ten minutes three times per day for him to moan at you. Get him to agree with you when these times should be. If he moans outside of these times say, "John, I'll happily listen to your struggles for ten minutes after dinner but right now I need us to focus on XYZ."

• Ask his parents to do some regular childcare while you go out of the house - a walk, a coffee alone, the gym, see a friend. Whatever you would find helpful.

• See your GP and tell them honestly what effects this is all having on you. Ask for medication and talking therapy. You are trying to hold everything together by yourself and if you go under it'll all go tits up. You also need to have your feelings validated medically.

Sorry this is all very abrupt, my eldest can't sleep and I'm trying to type quickly in the dark...