How to cope when your partner's chronic pain is affecting family life

[Pteradon]

Hi all. I’m so very unhappy and I am not sure there are any solutions, I just need to vent. But I would really, really appreciate it if people didn’t post offering medical advice or wha worked for them, that’s not what my thread is about.

I have a husband and two little children, aged five and two. It’s fair to say I’ve always done the lions share of childcare. Things got easier when my eldest started school in September. But a few months ago DH acquired an injury of some sorts and it seems to have triggered some sciatica and pain in his hip.

Since then life has been unbearable. All I seem to hear is winces, groans, exclamations of pain and yelps. He’s grumpy with the children, he complains constantly. His main topic of conversation is how much pain he’s in, how he can’t sleep because of it. I’ve had the children 24/7 all week because of Easter holidays; this morning he took them to the park for a while and intentionally or otherwise made me feel so bad because he came back limping and complaining and wincing.

Before I met DH I had a disc prolapse in my back, so I am not unsympathetic to the awful and devastating effects it has on your life, relationships, work, everything. But I’m also being massively affected here. Living with someone groaning and moaning all the time and whose sole focus is his own pain is just grinding me down. I was dreading the Easter holiday because I knew it would be four solid days of this and Good Friday (ha!) isn’t over yet and I feel so low and miserable, like there’s nothing good or happy or positive in life at all. It’s really triggered depression in me too.

I don’t know if anyone has anything useful to suggest (not on managing his pain - please!) just on how to survive this without becoming seriously depressed myself.

i think I’d go on a long family visit with the kids. Like, a couple of months if there’s anywhere within reach, or at least a week. Just get some space from the constant complaints and he gets a break too (assuming he can do the basics of caring for himself). Just because you’re married you don’t have to be nose to nose 24/7.

Im guessing he’s not really doing anything helpful like getting himself referred to a pain clinic etc? I hope I’m wrong about that.

My attitude would depend on whether he is doing anything to fix the pain and if he is getting help from doc of physio. If he is I'd weather it out, or try to! Perhaps minimise the time I am around by taking the kids out. If he isn't doing anything then I think @PermanentTemporary has a good suggestion - take yourself off with the kids and get some space from it all.

@PermanentTemporary I’d love to in a way, but I’ve nowhere I could go to, ds would have to miss school, I work … it just isn’t possible or practical at all.

It took a while but he did finally access a physiotherapist and also had an MRI. Neither have thrown up anything. He sees a chiropractor weekly which helps a bit but obviously it’s only temporary.

It’s getting him down as well, I know it is and it’s hard: he isn’t someone prone to being low or irritable normally, but my god the unrelenting misery is quite something. I did express a bit of frustration with it today and he was very annoyed and I do understand why. But it’s never ending.

Is this a repost?

@Pteradon im in the same boat but he goes through phases . He has a slipped disc and sciatica. Sometimes he is in a lot of pain and lies down and just moans and moans . I have to say it’s really tough seeing him like that . My 4 year old would even sometimes make comments like “I wish daddy didn’t have a sore back” . He does take painkillers and has had surgery and has tried everything and is waiting for more surgery. I am sympathetic and I feel selfish for saying this but it is hard not to feel a bit frustrated sometimes. I don’t know what the solution is exactly but just want you to know you are not alone. Chronic pain is no joke.

poor guys in agony and has been for a while on and off. that’s awful.

relentless pain is horrific. you dont seem that sympathetic. whats that all about? do you not believe him?

@TrashHeap I posted yesterday in AIBU, which may not have been the best move but after a bad night and general feelings of exhaustion and irritability generally DHs groaning today has pushed me too far and I am very unhappy.

Thanks @TheIceBear . I do know it must be bloody awful for him too. It’s just that honestly I was already struggling with everything on my plate and now I have a DH who is dragging me down too.

[I am so anti chiropractic that I’m almost upset with him on that basis alone! I don’t think it should be obviously temporary relief at all. Though my relentless ‘mainstream care only’ mindset took a hit when an osteopath fixed my pain in 2 sessions… however, there are GPs and chronic pain clinics and amitriptyline and more specialist physios, SOMETHING]

Well, could he go for a break somewhere? Take a week off and just be somewhere else?

Or could you need to stay late at work for a while? Import some after school help (babysitter, could even be just a local teenager if your Dh is around to supervise) and give yourself a couple of hours of mental space per day for a bit?

We can’t do that @PermanentTemporary . He isn’t around much in the week and if I suggest he goes to live at his parents’ I’m effectively ending the marriage. I’ve no idea what the solution is. He’s upstairs at the moment and he started to come downstairs about half an hour ago. I begged him to stay put as honestly I can’t bear it any more.

@Pteradon I know exactly where you are coming from it’s just so difficult when you have small children to look after and it really is so depressing. You feel really bad for your partner but at the same time you have your own small children to worry about as well. It’s easy for people to say you are selfish for feeling frustrated but the people saying this don’t actually realise what it is like in reality.

There's some evidence that hypnotherapy/hypnosis can help with chronic pain – I came across this particular article this week;

https://newsroom.uw.edu/news-releases/hypnotic-cognitive-therapy-eases-pain-of-spine-injuries/

I, and colleagues, regularly work with pain management; it doesn't always work but it might be worthwhile him looking into it.

I believe him. But I also have to acknowledge here how much it’s affecting me, how much it’s getting me down. All I hear are winces and sharp intakes of breath and groans and cries. Any conversations are stopped short by grimaces and straining. It’s bloody awful.

Thank you but I’m really not seeking advice on pain management from the thread.

OP get him to chiropractor asap.
It helped me tremendously.

Thanks @TheIceBear . I already had enough on my plate before but now it’s just tipped over into being almost unmanageable. I can’t see when I’m ever going to get a bit of a break; if he comes somewhere with us it’s miserable so increasingly I’m just living my own life and doing my own thing.

Please can we not? (He already does.)

I know I’m doing it too.

I suppose the difficulty and the reason why we keep coming up with ideas - as you clearly knew we would - is that my experience of living with a partner with chronic pain is not of this constant ‘OOH - AGH’ stuff without any effective action. Dh worked relentlessly on how to manage it better and (I hope) my ability to cope with being with him was better as a result.

Op, starting a new thread isnt that helpful. I know you were understandably frustrated by rhe comments suggesting pain options for your dh on the other thread. But you also had loads of support and people telling you his behaviour isnt ok. There were suggestions about how to talk to him or to get on with your life and lots in between.

Nothing will change if you dont do something. My view is that you need to hash it ojt with him. Your resentment is valid. The impact on family life is real. And how he responds to that will be telling.

I suspect you dont want to do that because you know that deep down he is very selfish and that this constant so called pain allows him yo control the family and get out of doing things. Not sex though. No, he still has that.

In sickness and in health… it sounds like he is doing/has done all he can to get to the bottom of things, could you seek therapy for the way you’re feeling to help you manage that?

But as a broader picture I’d have a real think about the relationship. If you are this almost angered by the person you’re supposed to love being in pain and telling him to stay away due to the impact it has on you, then this is not the relationship that is going to see you to the end of time. And perhaps remember that injuries, accidents, disability can hit anyone at any time, it could be you next year.

@Pteradon does he have any plans for dealing with it in the future ? My dh has tried lots of things but sweet FA has worked . He doesn’t even know if he wants more surgery . I do feel sad for him he just has a hot water bottle glued to him constantly. When he goes through bad patches when he just lies there I just have to get on with it and go and do things with the kids on my own. It’s just really hard sometimes, obviously for him. But also for me and the kids.

@ReadingCrimeFiction if you have a problem with either of my threads report them. In the meantime. I’ll be the judge of what’s helpful. There were extremely helpful posts on the original thread; unfortunately it got a bit sidetracked with childish nonsense about Scottish bagpipes so I’ve posted in relationships. It’s been helpful to me thus far, apart from ‘have you tried …’ and bluntly, your post.

@Jellybunny98 it isn’t that I’m angered. I was initially really sympathetic, but it’s been ongoing for months now and there is no end in sight. The MRI not showing anything was a bit of a blow; I (and I am sure he) would feel a lot better if there was an end in sight. But with nothing discernible wrong it’s hard to know anything really. I just can’t relax and enjoy myself anywhere around him because he’s groaning and ahh-ing ALL the bloody time.

It’s not ok to take out your pain or illness on the people around you.

The reality is that he may not be able to be an equal teammate right now. It happens. When one of you is down, the other picks up the slack.

however, the problem is the grumpiness. He shouldn’t be short with you or the children. He needs to appreciate what you are doing while he is doing less.

I would be explicit that the attitude needs to change. You understand he is in pain. He should rest when he needs to, but he needs to be more considerate.

@TheIceBear i don’t think either of us know. The thing is, on my other thread I explained I had a disc prolapse ten years ago now and it stayed problematic for a long time afterwards. I didn’t find anything helped. Not pain relief, or physio, or chiropractors, it really was just a waiting game and still plays up if I’m sat for too long on a hard surface. But at least then I suppose you can say ‘this is what it is.’

My experience with a disc prolapse was just awful and following a lot of anguish, pain, waiting, waiting, hanging on to my job by the skin of my teeth, my work suffering, my then relationship suffering (and eventually ending altogether), my friendships suffering if finally healed after a fashion after six months or so although was still prone to being twingey and painful.

I am sad for him but also after months and months of this finding it hard to remain sympathetic and dutiful. There are only so many times you can pull a concerned face and ‘oh dear, are you OK?’ someone!

I've had chronic pain for two years waiting for surgery. Now both surgeries are done I'm finally recovering.

My advice is what I did with my husband which was to encourage him to live his life. He cracked on coming and going to his hobbies, seeing friends. He did do the shopping and odd bit of house work but otherwise I was left alone.

I didn't moan, groan as your husband is doing though that must be irritating. Don't be stuck with him crack on living your life. And tell the eejit to keep moving, doing his physio, take the pills.

I had crippling sciatica towards the end of my first pregnancy, immediate and intense pain constantly down my legs, I’m very aware that I probably wasn’t a great partner during that time, I’m sure my husband was sick of hearing about it, it did dominate things because a constant severe pain just does wipe your mind of anything else, I know I was probably hard to live with. My husband never once complained about the impact my pain had on him, just the same as a year later when he had an awful injury and was in a very similar constant pain I would never have asked him to stay in another room to avoid having to hear him in pain.

The “he should be more considerate” replies can only be from people who have never actually had a constant and severe pain like that. When my husband saw a consultant about his pain the consultant likened it to the feeling of a knife stuck in the bottom of his back. You would never expect someone with a knife stuck in their back to engage in normal family life, be “considerate”, sit alone in a room in pain, just because the visible knife isn’t there doesn’t make the pain any less.

As I said, this probably isn’t the relationship for you.