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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband got physically intimidating in front of kids — need perspective

29 replies

Longtallsally777 · 03/04/2026 15:50

I called say husband fucking useless today under my breath when I was annoyed beucase he had been trying to get the children out the door for about twenty minutes and I needed to work and key on having to get up and get them things and cajole them. My son said he wanted something at the last second and I picked him up super angrily to go get it for him as my husband just stood there then walked away because I had figured it was bit appropriate and I had lost my temper. Husband followed me up to desk. He pointed my finger in my face loomed over me when I was trying to work and tried to make himself bigger and taller to scare me. I said you are threatening me be aware of what you are doing please this is aggressive he picked up my phone as I was typing something and so that I couldn’t keep doing that said look at me when I’m talking to you and was quite scary and intimidating. I’m refusing to cry but I said you know what will happen if you do that again as in I will leave but my goodness it was terrifying. The hate in his eyes was awful and it was in front of the children. This is the first time he has been openly aggressive towards me but it was like he did want to hurt me and for a minute I thought he would.

im not sure why I am posting. Im in shock I think

OP posts:
GlovedhandsCecilia · 03/04/2026 15:56

Did you pick up your son "super angrily" and then your husband followed you over to where you went and "loomed over" you?

NaiceCupOTea · 03/04/2026 15:57

Sorry OP but you sound as bad as each other. Why call your husband 'fucking useless' because he's not doing something to your specific time scale?

You picked up your son 'super angrily'? Sounds like you've been out of order and crossed a line here.

No your husband shouldn't have been physically intimidating but sounds like you were being physical and angry with the kids first.

How is the rest of your relationship usually?

Snorlaxo · 03/04/2026 16:05

I agree that you’re both out of order.

He’s out of order for the reasons you give in your post but you are a physically bigger person picking up your child “angrily” which is also unacceptable.

How often does he take the kids out? If he doesn’t do it often because you do it faster then you need to start letting him practice doing it so he gets bette. Can you honestly say that your son never mucks about for you?

Original poster
Longtallsally777 · 03/04/2026 16:13

These are all really valid points and maybe we are as bad as each other. Perhaps being on the receiving end of this type of behaviour for the first time as an adult has brought up a lot. Thank you for providing objective viewpoints.

OP posts:
WallaceinAnderland · 03/04/2026 16:14

My son said he wanted something at the last second and I picked him up super angrily to go get it for him

Oh OP, I would be absolutely furious with you if you were my partner.

Original poster
Longtallsally777 · 03/04/2026 16:23

How do I go about trying to repair this? He came back after being out with them and I was cleaning my daughters face and gave her a cuddle and he came in with a cotton pad and said here this has cleaner on it and I said I’m not able to gloss over this and pretend that was ok. Then he said I was full of it and wiping the slate clean and other things I can’t remember now. I feel like it is on me again to try to repair as he will just go cold and ignore it brush it under the carpet

OP posts:
WilfredsPies · 03/04/2026 17:22

The pair of you need to grow the fuck up and realise that there are little eyes watching you and learning that this is what relationships are like. What have either of you got going through your brains that you think this is an appropriate way to behave in front of your children? Both of you should be ashamed of yourselves for putting your anger at the other one before your children’s future, because what they are seeing now will shape how they treat future partners, and how they’re prepared to be treated by future partners, as well as being a generally horrible environment for them to live in.

If neither of you are capable of moderating what you say and do in front of your children, then you need to engage a third party who’ll teach you how to. Whether that’s together or individually. So either sort yourselves out or separate.

whattheysay · 03/04/2026 17:50

Not to minimise what your husband did but you were very annoyed because he wasn’t able to get the children out of the door quick enough, you picked your child up super angrily, which means forcefully, and called your husband fucking useless. Tbh if my husband had acted like that I would have done a lot worse

Endofyear · 03/04/2026 18:55

Neither of you behaved very well, with your young children watching too 🙄 you both need to learn to control your tempers.

CrocusesFlowering · 03/04/2026 18:58

Your poor children. What a depressing way for them to be living.

Sodthesystem · 03/04/2026 20:27

Longtallsally777 · 03/04/2026 16:23

How do I go about trying to repair this? He came back after being out with them and I was cleaning my daughters face and gave her a cuddle and he came in with a cotton pad and said here this has cleaner on it and I said I’m not able to gloss over this and pretend that was ok. Then he said I was full of it and wiping the slate clean and other things I can’t remember now. I feel like it is on me again to try to repair as he will just go cold and ignore it brush it under the carpet

You don't try to repair this.

He is a danger to you.

And it is not a womans job to fix a broken man anyway. Even if it was, you're not a therapist are you? How do you propose to change the nature an abusive man? It's not possible. Certainly not if he isn't willing to change himself. Which they never are.

When people look at you with HATE (even if you don't feel unsafe) you need to get away from them permanently.

THAT is what you need to do now. Focus on leaving him as fast and safely as possible.
Tbh I wouldn't stay under the same roof another night, he sounds unsafe.

It's your duty to teach your children we go not stay with people who hate us. Stop making excuses for him or trying to change yourself in order to fix him. It won't happen.

Now I'm not saying you behaved well but it's honestly completely irrelevant as no one has the right under any circumstances to behave in a threatening manner towards you.

Get away from him.
You cannot change you to fix him. If your guy is telling you someone is a danger to you, it is correct. Listen to it and get away from him asap.

Sodthesystem · 03/04/2026 20:33

*if your gut is

Kingdomofsleep · 03/04/2026 20:37

I know I'm not one to talk because I sometimes lose my temper too but...

He only did to you, what you did to your kid (picking him up super angrily). If you were scared because he's bigger and tougher than you, your kid would feel the same. You lost your temper over not much (the family taking ages to leave) and were swearing and storming around. So then your partner did the same.

I think he's right about wiping the slate clean and try harder next time not to escalate tricky situations

CeleriacRoot · 03/04/2026 20:41

Sodthesystem · 03/04/2026 20:27

You don't try to repair this.

He is a danger to you.

And it is not a womans job to fix a broken man anyway. Even if it was, you're not a therapist are you? How do you propose to change the nature an abusive man? It's not possible. Certainly not if he isn't willing to change himself. Which they never are.

When people look at you with HATE (even if you don't feel unsafe) you need to get away from them permanently.

THAT is what you need to do now. Focus on leaving him as fast and safely as possible.
Tbh I wouldn't stay under the same roof another night, he sounds unsafe.

It's your duty to teach your children we go not stay with people who hate us. Stop making excuses for him or trying to change yourself in order to fix him. It won't happen.

Now I'm not saying you behaved well but it's honestly completely irrelevant as no one has the right under any circumstances to behave in a threatening manner towards you.

Get away from him.
You cannot change you to fix him. If your guy is telling you someone is a danger to you, it is correct. Listen to it and get away from him asap.

Edited
Show quote history

This is a little hysterical. They had a row over nothing in particular and both reacted bad-temperedly.

Sodthesystem · 03/04/2026 20:50

CeleriacRoot · 03/04/2026 20:41

This is a little hysterical. They had a row over nothing in particular and both reacted bad-temperedly.

Show quote history

He got in her face and her gut told her she was in danger.

She literally says that for a moment she thought.he.would.hurt.her.

Even if that wasn't in there, he looked at her with 'hate'.

I don't know about you but I'd certainly never stay with someone who looked at me with hate. Argument or no argument. And that's asside from the fact she literally felt in danger.

It is most certainly not an overreaction to say she should gtf away from him.

Sodthesystem · 03/04/2026 20:53

Genuinely baffled at the amount of seemingly gaslighting like behaviour on this thread. I can only assume people are mad at the ops behaviour so are skimming over how her husband behaved and what she says about feeling unsafe.

WallaceinAnderland · 03/04/2026 22:31

OP posted a thread Husband got physically intimidating in front of kids

She could just have easily posted I got physically intimidating in front of kids

How must that child have felt when another person, big enough to pick up him did so and did it angrily.

That child must have felt intimidated, scared and unsafe.

GlovedhandsCecilia · 04/04/2026 08:31

Sodthesystem · 03/04/2026 20:50

He got in her face and her gut told her she was in danger.

She literally says that for a moment she thought.he.would.hurt.her.

Even if that wasn't in there, he looked at her with 'hate'.

I don't know about you but I'd certainly never stay with someone who looked at me with hate. Argument or no argument. And that's asside from the fact she literally felt in danger.

It is most certainly not an overreaction to say she should gtf away from him.

Show quote history

That was after she assaulted their child

GlovedhandsCecilia · 04/04/2026 08:32

Sodthesystem · 03/04/2026 20:53

Genuinely baffled at the amount of seemingly gaslighting like behaviour on this thread. I can only assume people are mad at the ops behaviour so are skimming over how her husband behaved and what she says about feeling unsafe.

If my husband assaulted our children, I'd have done more than fucking loomed over him.

CrocusesFlowering · 04/04/2026 11:20

Was your child scared and intimidated when you picked him up ‘super angrily’ @Longtallsally777 ?

Coffeislife · 04/04/2026 12:09

Whay does super angrily picking up a child look like ?

Besafeeatcake · 04/04/2026 12:18

So it was fine that you were looming over your kid and were larger and more intimidating but now it isn’t when you husband does it to you?

You are as bad as each other so I don’t think playing the victim when you started this is okay.

You both need a serious check and conversation about appropriate behaviour in the family generally.

Besafeeatcake · 04/04/2026 12:19

Sodthesystem · 03/04/2026 20:50

He got in her face and her gut told her she was in danger.

She literally says that for a moment she thought.he.would.hurt.her.

Even if that wasn't in there, he looked at her with 'hate'.

I don't know about you but I'd certainly never stay with someone who looked at me with hate. Argument or no argument. And that's asside from the fact she literally felt in danger.

It is most certainly not an overreaction to say she should gtf away from him.

Show quote history

I wonder how her child felt when she did that to then onky moments earlier….

Sodthesystem · 04/04/2026 19:10

Besafeeatcake · 04/04/2026 12:19

I wonder how her child felt when she did that to then onky moments earlier….

Show quote history

Did what? Lifted the child up whilst angry in order to get him from A location to B location? That's not an assault. Be for real lol. People talking like they've never been frustrated whilst lifting their kids is hilarious. Arguably not ideal of course.

Besafeeatcake · 04/04/2026 19:49

Sodthesystem · 04/04/2026 19:10

Did what? Lifted the child up whilst angry in order to get him from A location to B location? That's not an assault. Be for real lol. People talking like they've never been frustrated whilst lifting their kids is hilarious. Arguably not ideal of course.

Edited
Show quote history

Then by that reasoning her husband didn't assault her either. It was the way they both felt not what happened.