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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Feeling trapped in unhappy relationship with children and no clear way out

33 replies

Twizzlelolly · 03/04/2026 06:53

Posted on here many times. Trapped in an unhappy relationship, it feels impossible to escape.

Been together 8 years now. Children together. Living in his house. No intimacy for last 5 years, before that very limited and something was always a bit off. He has told me he will
never marry me: Seen too many people divorce and wants to protect his assets. Workaholic. Good dad. I am never a priority yet he dangles the promise of things changing, arranging date nights a few weeks time and that he might one day marry me.

I gather the strength and keep saying I’m leaving but then he sweet talks me and I carry on living in hope. I work part time and study part time. Rental properties in this area are few and I have no chance of renting privately. Even working full
time I wouldn’t meet their requirements. I feel so trapped and hopeless. Completely worn down. I need to get out of this situation. I also worry about missing out on the children when we split up and imaging part of my life without them breaks my heart. I worry they may choose to live with their dad because he can provide everything financially for them.

I should have left years ago. Kept living in hope.

What do I do? How can I escape?

OP posts:
PersephoneParlormaid · 03/04/2026 07:00

Do you work enough so you can save? You might have to bide your time while you finish studying if it’s going to give you more money. I suppose it depends upon what you want more,
Do you have a relative you could move in with for a short time?
If he’s a workaholic he won’t want to have the kids a lot. You need to see how you are being manipulated, get mad, and get out.

category12 · 03/04/2026 07:02

Few questions, sorry:
How old are the dc?
Do you have any family, could they help?
What are you studying and does it have a career path?

Original poster
Twizzlelolly · 03/04/2026 07:20

I try to save. But, if he knows I earn more then he gets me to pay for more things and I end up no better off.

I have family who live close by. But, no-one I can live with.

The course is 4 years part time in OT. I’m excited and really want to do the course but scared of studying and then not being able to get a job at the end and still finding myself stuck.

i wish that I could somehow separate my emotions and look at it as a temporary living arrangement. But, 4 years feels like a long time.

OP posts:
Original poster
Twizzlelolly · 03/04/2026 07:22

Shared kids are 4 & 6 years old.

OP posts:
Original poster
Twizzlelolly · 03/04/2026 07:23

I always told myself that I would leave once they started school if things hadn’t improved. It feels impossible.

OP posts:
Original poster
Twizzlelolly · 03/04/2026 07:26

I can see the manipulation more clearly nowadays. Before I used to get totally sucked in hanging off every word. Always trying to
do better, be better until I started to burnt out and realised it was never enough.

OP posts:
firstofallimadelight · 03/04/2026 07:31

Open a savings account and try to save money each month, create an expense if necessary. Put your name down for social housing. Could you move in with a relative?

Morepositivemum · 03/04/2026 07:37

The kids are very young op so you’re both probably very tired with life, him with work you with work and all the stuff that home/ kids brings. if you say he sweet talks you does that mean you want to be with him but obviously under better circumstances? He may not be dangling etc, he honestly might be conflicted. Could you talk to him about counselling?

10namechangeslater · 03/04/2026 07:40

Leave now OP and apply for social housing while they are still young and you are the primary carer. You’d have to effectively make yourself homeless but it might be your only way out. Do it before the kids get old enough to choose where to live.

TheLargeOnes · 03/04/2026 07:41

How dare he! He is not a good man, but you know this. I would think there is a possibility he is having an affair/is gay tbh. Something sounds really off, like he's using you as a cover for something...Anyhow. Definitely bide your time. And until the money you can leave, don't let him know ANYTHING about your finances. Keep it all completely private. But in such a way that it doesn't rile him/raise suspicion.

10namechangeslater · 03/04/2026 07:49

If he’s manipulating you then I am going to assume that he is emotionally abusive in other ways and women’s aid or your local domestic abuse charity can help with that. My mum walked out on my stonewalling father with 2 kids and was eventually rehoused.
Is there some financial abuse going on? You’re living in his house so he is in a position of power over you.

10namechangeslater · 03/04/2026 07:52

Don’t let him manipulate you OP. You can get out of this situation it won’t be easy but it can be done. You can take control of your life and your future and put all your energy towards that and your kids.

Original poster
Twizzlelolly · 03/04/2026 08:36

I am on the housing list but way down the list. They have asked me to speak with domestic abuse team about my situation. I keep
putting it off because I don’t feel like it is abuse, just a rubbish situation.

it’s come to a head many times and nothing changes. I broke down at Christmas and told him I couldn’t continue. He then wanted to do couples therapy (which I suggested years ago
and he always refused to do). I agreed to it, but now feels like another delay tactic. He says oh I will take you on a date night in a few weeks time
and it never happens. He said if in a couple of month’s things aren’t better he will look at things. He wants to be in control of it all.

OP posts:
Original poster
Twizzlelolly · 03/04/2026 08:39

TheLargeOnes · 03/04/2026 07:41

How dare he! He is not a good man, but you know this. I would think there is a possibility he is having an affair/is gay tbh. Something sounds really off, like he's using you as a cover for something...Anyhow. Definitely bide your time. And until the money you can leave, don't let him know ANYTHING about your finances. Keep it all completely private. But in such a way that it doesn't rile him/raise suspicion.

This is how I feel. I keep thinking what am I missing? Like there is a jigsaw piece missing.

OP posts:
Original poster
Twizzlelolly · 03/04/2026 08:44

Morepositivemum · 03/04/2026 07:37

The kids are very young op so you’re both probably very tired with life, him with work you with work and all the stuff that home/ kids brings. if you say he sweet talks you does that mean you want to be with him but obviously under better circumstances? He may not be dangling etc, he honestly might be conflicted. Could you talk to him about counselling?

This is what keeps me staying. I keep thinking maybe if I give it a bit longer, maybe if I do this better xyz, maybe if/when he changes his job.

It’s the lack of intimacy I struggle with. Not being in a proper relationship or knowing what the future holds. We never make plans, it’s alway I’ll see, I’ll talk about this with you another time, I’ll
you know…..

OP posts:
whiteblackwhite · 03/04/2026 08:45

Morepositivemum · 03/04/2026 07:37

The kids are very young op so you’re both probably very tired with life, him with work you with work and all the stuff that home/ kids brings. if you say he sweet talks you does that mean you want to be with him but obviously under better circumstances? He may not be dangling etc, he honestly might be conflicted. Could you talk to him about counselling?

Oh please!!

This man is a classic manipulator. He is keeping OP financially dependent by making her pay more from the pittance she earns so she can never save to leave. He won’t marry her so she stays in a financially and housing insecure situation and he stays in a secure one and can leave whenever he wants.

He is not confused, he is very clear sighted in what he is doing.

If this man suddenly gets interested in sex again, especially as you get nearer the end of your course, do not have sex with him. He will be trying to get you pregnant so that you don’t leave and never get to practice as an OT so that your qualification becomes useless.

It’s really dangerous to tell women with manipulative, abusive men that they are just ‘confused’ guys.

whiteblackwhite · 03/04/2026 08:51

Twizzlelolly · 03/04/2026 08:44

This is what keeps me staying. I keep thinking maybe if I give it a bit longer, maybe if I do this better xyz, maybe if/when he changes his job.

It’s the lack of intimacy I struggle with. Not being in a proper relationship or knowing what the future holds. We never make plans, it’s alway I’ll see, I’ll talk about this with you another time, I’ll
you know…..

Show quote history

These ‘maybes’ are phantoms. The reality of who and what he is, is what you are living right now, and have been for years.

Thats difficult to hear as it means you will have to make hard choices. The good news is you are doing a professional degree that will lead to a decent, secure jo that will support you and your kids and have a career path. Hold onto that and do not let him scupper it. Save what you can for a deposit. Can you work more hours in the day that he does not know about so you can save?

whiteblackwhite · 03/04/2026 09:04

Twizzlelolly · 03/04/2026 08:39

This is how I feel. I keep thinking what am I missing? Like there is a jigsaw piece missing.

Show quote history

You are not missing a piece. It is right there in your last post ‘he needs to be in control of everything’. There are many, many different ways abusive men behave, and they don’t all behave illegally, but the one thing that underlies all their behaviour is the need to control the woman. That is why he is behaving as he is. He enjoys the control he has over you. He has you where he wants you. And he will seek to keep you there.

Original poster
Twizzlelolly · 03/04/2026 09:15

whiteblackwhite · 03/04/2026 08:51

These ‘maybes’ are phantoms. The reality of who and what he is, is what you are living right now, and have been for years.

Thats difficult to hear as it means you will have to make hard choices. The good news is you are doing a professional degree that will lead to a decent, secure jo that will support you and your kids and have a career path. Hold onto that and do not let him scupper it. Save what you can for a deposit. Can you work more hours in the day that he does not know about so you can save?

Show quote history

Yeah, I think you are right. It hurts, but I need to be practical now. I feel like has been very clear sighted as you say and now I need to be to protect myself:

I am going to start squirrelling away what I can.

My dilemma is whether it’s better to leave now and if so how. & trying to weigh up what is best for the kids. If I didn’t have children I would have left by now.

OP posts:
Original poster
Twizzlelolly · 03/04/2026 09:27

whiteblackwhite · 03/04/2026 09:04

You are not missing a piece. It is right there in your last post ‘he needs to be in control of everything’. There are many, many different ways abusive men behave, and they don’t all behave illegally, but the one thing that underlies all their behaviour is the need to control the woman. That is why he is behaving as he is. He enjoys the control he has over you. He has you where he wants you. And he will seek to keep you there.

Show quote history

He enjoys the control he has over you - has hit home.

I need to take back control.

OP posts:
whiteblackwhite · 03/04/2026 10:57

Twizzlelolly · 03/04/2026 09:27

He enjoys the control he has over you - has hit home.

I need to take back control.

Show quote history

You do. You have a good grasp of who he is. Its you who identified his need to control everything.

You say the social housing people advised you to speak to the domestic abuse people. Give that a go. It can't make things worse and they may have useful advice to give you about your options in alternative housing, and perhaps other issues. They'd be able to tell you about benefits too. You can consider the practicalities of continuing your course if you were a single mother. Get all the information you can and then make an action plan for what you are going to do.

Its a horrible situation to be in but you are smart and insightful and you can see and understand the situation you are in. You obviously have gumption if you are doing your OT course. He hasn't ground you down and you have ambition and goals for your life.

category12 · 03/04/2026 12:38

Twizzlelolly · 03/04/2026 09:15

Yeah, I think you are right. It hurts, but I need to be practical now. I feel like has been very clear sighted as you say and now I need to be to protect myself:

I am going to start squirrelling away what I can.

My dilemma is whether it’s better to leave now and if so how. & trying to weigh up what is best for the kids. If I didn’t have children I would have left by now.

Show quote history

I'd leave sooner rather than later.

The older they get the more aware they become, and your relationship is what is being modelled to them as normal in the meantime.

And later on there will be the pressures of big school or exams and so on, so although it might seem easier in terms of childcare if they're older, it's not easier in terms of their emotional well-being and development.

Morepositivemum · 03/04/2026 14:15

whiteblackwhite

I disagree with you, from a few paragraphs none of us know what’s going on in his head and whether he’s being manipulative or whether he’s bogged down with work and every so of then realised everything is turning to shit, panics and clumsily tries to make things right.

Morepositivemum · 03/04/2026 14:19

This is what keeps me staying. I keep thinking maybe if I give it a bit longer, maybe if I do this better xyz, maybe if/when he changes his job.
It’s the lack of intimacy I struggle with. Not being in a proper relationship or knowing what the future holds. We never make plans, it’s alway I’ll see, I’ll talk about this with you another time, I’ll
you know…..

That can’t go on forever though, and it will drive you mad, hence I suggested the counselling but as I said none of us know the full situation and if you feel that then you know the story and either way something needs to change for ye x