Feeling trapped in unhappy relationship with children and no clear way out

[Twizzlelolly]

Posted on here many times. Trapped in an unhappy relationship, it feels impossible to escape.

Been together 8 years now. Children together. Living in his house. No intimacy for last 5 years, before that very limited and something was always a bit off. He has told me he will
never marry me: Seen too many people divorce and wants to protect his assets. Workaholic. Good dad. I am never a priority yet he dangles the promise of things changing, arranging date nights a few weeks time and that he might one day marry me.

I gather the strength and keep saying I’m leaving but then he sweet talks me and I carry on living in hope. I work part time and study part time. Rental properties in this area are few and I have no chance of renting privately. Even working full
time I wouldn’t meet their requirements. I feel so trapped and hopeless. Completely worn down. I need to get out of this situation. I also worry about missing out on the children when we split up and imaging part of my life without them breaks my heart. I worry they may choose to live with their dad because he can provide everything financially for them.

I should have left years ago. Kept living in hope.

What do I do? How can I escape?

You don’t know much or anything about abusive men so you couldn’t read what was written.

People who do know can.

Advising counselling for an abusive man is disastrous, as is encouraging his victim to doubt herself. For an abusive man, his partner listening to advice to look at things from his perspective and how he’s just confused, is a dream. Well meaning but misinformed people are quite often unwitting enablers of controlling men.

whiteblackwhite

I don’t know what the op should do, but while I’m honestly (and I mean that), sorry that you’ve experience of abuse, you can’t know the inner workings of him and their relationship either, young kids, him a workaholic, something does have to change and that might be her getting out but it might be them figuring things out too (but it looks like she wants to get out and that’s fine). I’m just saying I have autism and I automatically jump to they’re autistic about people because I’m in that world. A lot of mn jump to ltb because sadly they’ve experience of abusive relationships but they might be seeing abuse where it’s just someone being an idiot or making mistakes as we all do.

I don't have experience of abuse but I do know a lot about it. There are recognisable patterns which were discernable in the information OP gave. I have already outlined some of these in previous posts.

I'm not engaging any further because I don't want to derail the thread. I do however get frustrated when posters come on giving dangerously bad advice in situations like these. Its disappointing you are showing no interest in learning from this and will undoubtedly continue to do the same.

whiteblackwhite

I'm willing to learn, I just don’t know (and I honestly don’t know) which this is. Have a good day though

OP

What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?. Did your dad behave like this towards your mum?.

You are not some rehab centre for such a badly raised man and it's high time your kids also learnt as well as you that the only acceptable level of abuse in a relationship is none. You do them NO favours by staying with him in this gilded cage he has constructed for you out of his own paranoid making.

Abuse is not just physical in nature and it can and does creep up on people unawares just like it has with you. I would readily assume he does not treat his work colleagues or people in the outside world with such outright contempt. Make no mistake here, he hates women and ALL of them including your kids if any of them are girls.

Joint counselling is never recommended where there is a use of any type within the relationship. Even if he did go which is unlikely anyway all he will do is make it all out to be your fault whilst trying to manipulate the counsellor into taking his side. It will be a complete waste of time as would mediation which is something you do not want to be doing with him either.

NO decent counsellor would ever want to see the two of you together in a counselling session. Besides which abuse is NOT a relationship problem or issue; it's about power and control.

He won't ever relinquish any of the current level of control he wields over you. If anything he will merely continue to up the power and control antes against you and I would not be at all surprised if he tried to sabotage your attempt to remain on this OT course.

He has you where he wants you; two kids by him (they likely have his surname rather than yours so yet more power handed over to him), part time worker, not married to him. He is not going to let you leave all that easily only because he has you where he wants you. This is not love and he's not in love with you.

You and in turn your kids are being abused by this man. You're under the cosh as are they. What do you want to teach them about relationships and what are they learning here?. Would you want them to be in a relationship like this, no you would not and you would want better for them.

I would contact Womens Aid and seek their help re getting away from your abuser.

whiteblackwhite

You may well find this link helpful re understanding more

https://somersetdomesticabuse.org.uk/neurodiversity-and-domestic-abuse-understanding-the-hidden-risks/

Autistic people may not readily recognise abuse because they take words literally, trust others implicitly, or struggle to differentiate between unhealthy behaviour and normal social interaction. What the OP was describing re her partner is an abusive relationship.

Sorry that should be addressed to morepositivemum

Thank you for everyone’s replies and advice. It’s good to get outside perspectives. We don’t know what is going on in his head and it may all be unintentional and just him protecting his own interests which is understandable if he doesn’t see a future with me.

I’m going to make enquiries after the bank holiday and see what my options are and start looking to improve my situation. I’m going full steam ahead with my course to give myself and the children more security and options.