Should I acknowledge my ex if he comes into my pub again?

[ChampagneCharlotteLemonadeBudget]

For context, the man here is someone I dated during 2020/2021 - not an overly long relationship but it was over lockdown so quite intense. He claimed at the time, and I fell for it, that he wanted to live together, get married, have kids, etc. We ended up splitting because he discovered I'd asked a friend for some relationship advice (yes really). I found out afterwards that he had cheated on me with at least three, possibly four other women, and that although he'd told his parents etc that we were serious, he'd told others (for example his ex wife he was still trying to sleep with) that we were just a bit of fun. I was absolutely heartbroken afterwards and took a good long while to even think about dating again - he was in a relationship the same month.

I've just started a (second) job behind the bar in a country pub. Last Saturday afternoon I walked through into our second bar and stood there straight in front of me was my ex. I was the only staff around at the time so I had to serve him, and I kept waiting for him to recognise me/say something but there was absolutely nothing, not even a flicker of recognition. It might be five years ago but I haven't changed that much! (Although he has, and not for the better). I served him as civilly as a possibly could, although my heart was absolutely pounding, and avoided going near where he was sat until he drank up and left.

Because of the location and the fact that he was out on his motorbike I strongly suspect he will come in again while I'm on shift. The question is do I say something? (Politely obviously I don't want want to lose my job!) It feels weird to keep up the pretence we've never seen each other in our lives before!

Well this might help. William Shakespeare walks into a Pub. The barman looks up and says "Sorry mate, your Bard" Seriously he clearly had no concept of commitment and treated you badly. If he causes difficulties where you work have a word with the person who runs the pub. Maybe he wasn't you to react as it would be a bit of a power trip for him, so just treat him as a customer

Well done for just treating him like a customer. I'd stick to that. Although it's sad, b/c he did you wrong, you're probably better off with him seeming not to recognise you.

Maybe secretly he did recognise you and was bricking it that you'd call him out. He might never come to that pub again.

TLDR: long ago I had some uni friends who had known each other as friends and dated for a while (maybe a few months?). After graduation, they each continued to live in the city but had long since moved on with their lives. After a few years (3?, 4?) Martin when to pick up his car after it was serviced at the dealership. The clerk, handing back his keys and receipt, was my other friend, Jane. When he didn't acknowledge her other than as one would an unknown clerk, she challenged him. 'Don't you know me?!' He was surprised and a bit embarrassed.
I asked Martin about this later and he said he genuinely hadn't recognised her, in part b/c he wasn't expecting to see her in that setting.

(Pedant's corner: You're bard.

Me personaly I would rather this, and go aboit my job as normal.

Surely it's kind of a good thing he blanked you? It would be way more awkward to have to have any kind of communication relating to your past relationship. Ignore him back.

It's possible he didn't recognise you or hasn't placed you as you're out of context for him. As he was shagging around on you so much and with someone new quickly, it sounds like he was shining you on generally.

He just might be really shallow and maybe in love with the idea of love - but his girlfriends are effectively interchangeable.

@category12 I never even thought of it like that... his immediate girlfriend after me (who he was clearly with before we split) even had the same name - I wonder if that was easier or more difficult for him 😂

And to be fair my other role is a very straight-laced, high-stress role in health service management so he probably didn't expect to see me....

Take the initiative. Next time you are faced with him, say "Hi Colin" (or whatever his name is).

You are prepared, you know he will be in again, and you know he will be in after that. Make it easier for yourself.

If he comes in again, pretend you don't recognise him. If he says something about knowing you, stare hard and say 'I wouldn't have recognised you. You look dreadful'. Don't engage in any chitchat. You sound well rid of this pillock.

I wouldn't. I'd just serve him like any other customer. He's either pretended he doesn't recognise you, or genuinely doesn't. Why feel the need to go into awkward explanations and reminders of who you are?

If he says, 'Oh hi Charlotte,' you can look a bit blank and just say, 'hello,' to him as though you vaguely recognise him. Let him do the awkward bit. I'd pretend I only had vague recollections of him if he brought it up.

I'd serve him as a stranger. If there's a scene, it's easier for him to never come back. You have less control.

Serve him as a stranger. If you feel he might want to get some revenge on you, or bad mouth you, which is unlikely from what you describe, then let the pub manager or landlord know of the possibility.

I’ve been in this exact scenario. He blanked me, I blanked him back.

I will have recognised you. And I doubt he’ll venture in again. Unless of course he’s after a rematch. If he does come in again and acknowledges you, just be civil back.

It's my friend who's the manager so she was more than aware of him before I even started working there! Praying for bad weather whenever I'm at work so that he won't go out on the bike!

Just be your brilliant care free self and serve him as you would any other punter.

I've actually had this situation. On the second time I saw him in this work environment he sort of awkwardly waved. I guess I was eyeballing him in disbelief, but then I simply rolled my eyes and literally never looked back.

This was a few years ago and I've seen him only since where he stood near me at a cafe in a big city. He absolutely 100% ignored me. I was actually a little upset to be fair. But I learned. Never. Look. Back.

I would definitely acknowledge him.

Call him by his name and ask how’s he’s been.

If you don’t, you’ll be constantly wondering if he’s going to come in and how he’s going to act.

I would also enjoy being the bigger person.

There is that saying that “it is not the people who break us who put us back together” As someone who has been broken by people in the past I think I’d not want anything to do with him and I’d treat him as a stranger I knew nothing about and wanted to continue knowing nothing about.

Just be kind to yourself and self protective around him. He is a wrong ‘un. This was a him not you situation.

Id just say how are you or how you doing. I wouldn't make any special effort or make a fuss

It does rather sound like this jerk has had so many GF’s and one night stands that he doesn’t knew who he’s sagging and when! No disrespect intended OP! He treated you badly as he no doubt treated countless more in the same disgraceful, disgusting way!
Rise above this, do not remind him who you are…..simply play the long game, he might eventually act like a twat in the pub and get himself banned anyway. However, take a note of his motorbike registration and if you think he’s ever over the limit report him to the police!

No. Don’t say anything. He’s a knob and less you pay him any mind the better. Treat him like everyone else that comes through the door and that’s it.

Honestly? I’d ignore him/be civil.

I know this is a bit of a tangent but my ExHB was abusive and had narcissistic tendencies (my therapist said this lol) and he had A LOT of retrospective jealousy over my ex-BF’s. I didn’t have a huge past, met ExHB when we were relatively young, I was never unfaithful but he used to get so worked up and angry and abusive about the fact that I’d been with other people in the past. He knew a couple of these ex-BF’s because we were in the same friendship group initially.

This is why my story’s relevant;

Where we lived I would occasionally run into people and when I’d been married a couple of years I saw an ex-BF in a tesco express, I practically dove into the toilet rolls to hide but he saw us. We exchanged pleasantries whilst I was shaking and sweating and then on the way back to the car my ExHB asks me: “Who was that?”

I couldn’t bring myself to say it was an ex-BF from about ten years ago. That he knew him. That he’d made my life a misery for a couple of years yelling at me, punching walls and throwing furniture, saying I was disgusting and a slut and he was ashamed of me because I wasn’t a virgin when I met him.

I still to this day don’t know if he really couldn’t remember, or if he’d just rewritten his version of history so he didn’t remember, because it was an Oscar worthy performance. If he doesn’t want to “remember you” then he won’t and you’ll feel even more awkward. People are wild.

Acknowledge your ex but keep him in the past unless you have kids.

So quick update.... he didn't come in yesterday (although suspect due to the weather he won't have been out on his motorbike anyway)

But it only turns out that he was seeing one of the other members of staff! A couple of years ago so not when I was, but while he was with the girl he got into a relationship with straight after me (well he was cheating with her). She ended it when she realised he wasn't single but doesn't sound like she was his only bit on the side... gave her every line that he fed me as well!

It genuinely sounds like he's a 45 year old man who spends all his time on Facebook messaging random women to see who responds (and as rude as it sounds, he's absolutely not fussy who). He keeps one as an actual girlfriend and seems to rotate several others on the side! The man is vile!

Honestly, OP, Let it go. He sounds like a dickhead, but you are giving him way too much headspace and control over your emotions.

Who cares what this prick did, or who he was seeing, or what crap he comes out with to women? He's not in your life and he's not your problem.

Treat him like any other customer and stop obsessing about when/if he might come back.

Let it go. It’s not your problem.