Struggling with cultural differences and boundaries with my in-laws

[Thuraya17]

am I a horrible person or is this very common with in laws from a different culture? I have what I would call an aversion to my in laws. They haven’t done anything ‘wrong’ per se, they’re just extremely different to my family.

I have travelled alone since I was 18 years old (when I say alone I mean with friends or siblings, not completely alone but without a guardian) and now I am 29 with a 2 year old. If we’re staying at my in laws house and I go out alone with the baby, they call my husband to tell him and have been known to follow me to ‘check’ on me. They mean well as there is a cultural barrier and they want me to be safe but also I’m perfectly fine I don’t need checking on and I find it suffocating.

They also are messier than me, which is fine because they are clean but the mess is so overstimulating and I find it hard to deal with. Since we live far away, when we visit we are staying with them and it would be considered a little rude to stay elsewhere so we can’t exactly just book somewhere.

To an extent I also find that they want me to blend in to their culture too much and I actually think I’ve blended in more than anyone else I know in my situation so I don’t know what more I can do. I’ve been told to say goodbye differently as the way I’m saying it is not quite the way they do it here which to me is just picky.

Finally, since becoming a mum I find that all the things I could previously ignore just stress me out. They constantly feed my child from their spoons after it’s been in their mouth or they mush up food in their hands and put it in his mouth. I get it’s a cultural difference which I’m so open too but surely germ wise that’s just not great. He gets a cold everytime we come and I know why. They also ask him for kisses and protest when he says no and that’s so unacceptable to me. When my husband is here he can advocate for him but often my husband has work commitments even whilst we’re visiting and then the language barrier prevents me from being able to express my opinions, I’m also conscious of offending them which I definitely don’t want.

I know I’m just ranting and someone’s going to say that’s what happens when you marry outside your culture but my husband is so not like this at all. My husband is literally a great match for me, we agree on everything, parenting, lifestyle choices, he’s amazing, a great husband and father. He always stands up for me and they always seem like they’re listening but it’s like they find it really hard to change their ways. I guess there’s nothing I can do about it because I do want my children to have a great relationship with both sides of their family and I don’t want my aversions to rub off on my kids but I’m finding it really difficult.

Unfortunately this is common when you marry someone from another culture - even if you match perfectly with the other person, you both likely have the baggage of your friends and family that they might not match with.

Believe me, I know this VERY well.

Feeding your child with spoons that have been in their mouths actually makes me feel sick.

It's selfish to impose any culture onto someone else.

I think you're going to have to be tougher especially as your child gets older.

Unfortunately, they may end up taking offence but to be honest they should've learned by now that their way is not the only way.

For a start stop visiting them without your husband

Why don’t they have to blend into your culture?

Do you live in the same country?

Their way of parenting resulted in your DH, who you say is fabulous

As someone who grew up in a different culture, I recognise some of these things (especially the forced kisses ), and I decided to do things differently (my partner is white British and I’m British of Asian heritage). I just spoke to my parents about what I’m doing differently in a kind but firm manner, and would suggest your husband does the same but frames it as his preference rather than something you’ve said. Even in other cultures different generations parent differently so your husband should be able to take the reins on sorting this one!

It's not all about culture, because I (Scottish) don't care at all about sharing spoons etc. It's personal, presumably influenced by culture. But the point is that you don't want that for your child, and you are the parents, not them, so you and your husband decide.

I agree with pp that the obvious solution is never to stay without your husband. Discuss your parenting choices with him, agree, and then he tells his parents how it will be.
Why isn't he always present? If it's that you are staying for a month or something and he has to work while you're there, put a stop to that. Tell him he needs to be present the whole time, and if that makes visits shorter so be it.

You will have to ignore their untidiness though!

You are not a horrible person at all, this kind of situation is quite common when cultural expectations around safety and independence differ. It sounds like their behaviour comes from concern, but it is still important to set gentle, clear boundaries. Having your partner communicate those boundaries can often help avoid misunderstandings and reduce that feeling of being monitored.

What do you mean they follow you? What are they worried about?

I think tell your husband that if you are visiting he needs to clear his work commitments. Or you go out with the kids when he is working.

He needs to make it clear that if they carry on like this he won't visit with you all. The feeding stuff will stop as the kids get older I'd have thought, and the mess is theirs so you put up with it unless it's unsafe or unhygienic. .. but the keeping tabs on you and forced kissing type aspects need to stop so they need to be told.

It interesting you say they haven't done anything "wrong", because I would consider some of these very not ok to the point of wrong", such as following you when you leave the house! What cultural allowances make that "right"?

Which cultures are you both from and which country do you reside?

I felt like this when newly married. I tried so hard to fit in with their culture, ran myself ragged, and didn’t feel anybody saw me as a person or tried to think about my culture. What changed was that he had an affair and we divorced and i felt that gave me permission to be myself and stop trying so hard. It’s actually been fantastic for my relationship with in laws! They now know the real me and like me and I like them. All the trying and resentment has gone and we relate as real people rather than me trying to fit into a role. I’m not suggesting you divorce (!) but be yourself, firmly and kindly assert your boundaries and opinions, and let the relationship naturally become a bit more equal and reciprocal.

Some of this might not be down to cultural differences at all and you can just deal with them as they arise without being afraid to insult their ‘culture’. Eating from the same spoon and the other eating habits you describe are just gross and I doubt are down to cultural differences. You just say ‘please don’t do that, it’s not hygienic’. And remind them as often as you need to that you are perfectly capable of going out by yourself and don’t need OH to ‘protect’ you.

If we’re staying at my in laws house and I go out alone with the baby, they call my husband to tell him and have been known to follow me to ‘check’ on me.

This would be enough for me not to visit again. Or if you do, make sure you tell your husband that, if they call to inform him you’ve gone out alone, he needs to respond with “So what? She’s a grown woman” or similar.

I think without any context it's difficult to say they are totally outrageous on this point. It could be that the in-laws are terrified she is overconfident and that foreign nationals/tourists are often attacked or kidnapped in their region. Or maybe the in-laws live in central Paris and are just total lunatics!

Gosh this must be very hard. I personally would not visit my husband’s family unless he were present (and they are English like me) so could you just not go unless he’s there?

There’s tons to unpick here and everyone will have their view, especially if they live in your country rather than theirs, but ultimately good relations are what you want to preserve and this most likely involves you biting your tongue a bit and picking your battles.
I personally would let the stuff around me go, but assert myself via my husband more strongly where it involves my child.

If they are criticising you for not adapting to their culture while living in your country I would probably really struggle not to calmly yet firmly tell them we live in the U.K. (or wherever) and so we adhere to U.K. cultural norms. But whether it will make any difference or just create a row who knows.

You could just let your husband manage his own family..,

Completely understandable OP and the food thing is disgusting - I would be appalled if anyone did that to food they fed my DC!

I also married someone from another culture. A culture not so different to my own as yours clearly is, but different nonetheless.

It really depends where you are. In some “cultures” a female out on her own is fair game for sexual predators. I have also travelled extensively on my own but would think long and hard about going out alone in some places.

It sounds like your husband escaped this culture, which is why he’s a good match for you. But I’m afraid it’s highly unlikely that his parents or any other elderly relatives are going to accommodate his and your cultural values and preferences.

Also the safety concern is bollocks - they just don’t trust women. A friend is an ex-muslim, and when we used to meet up as teenagers (like 18/19), her parents would watch her walk from the house to the bus stop from the window. It was broad daylight in an incredibly safe neighbourhood. It was a batshit level of control, there was no ‘safety concern’ about it.

Her husband visits with her, but he sometimes has work commitments

I had this.

My SILs and extended female cousin-in-laws used to line all the kids up, sitting on a wall or bench, and hand feed them curry and rice. My Dc were v competent with cutlery but this was not common at 3 or 5 in DH’s culture / family.

Dc loved it. They loved the different customs, food, the carry-on of the aunties.

I would say go with it. It’s the joy and richness of a bicultural family.

In your house, fine, do it your way.

I think our tolerance of thing drastically changes when we become parents.

I remember my mother-in-law advising my husband to put his litter finger in our 6 week old child's mouth when he was hungry. I was coming over to feed him. As I heard and saw this, I shouted at both of them (embarrassingly, it just errupted out of me!) because I knew our son would become colicky and cry all night. I'd also just seen my husband lazily scratch his nose and pick his toes moments before! 🙈

It was actually a sweet moment of advice between a mother and son (germs & practicalities to one side), which I spoilt and looked like a loon!

Completely agree with you about the forced kissing, but the other stuff I think is more of a grey area. Is it just his mum sharing spoons or a large family? My child has always been interested in other people’s food, I have no issue with he and my mum sharing spoons but anyone else would feel icky, though I’d be a hypocrite if I complained about my partners mum doing the same, (same culture) although it would make me squirm a bit.

I grew up in a remote village, (I too have travelled without guardians) but my partner is very protective of me when we visit his family, (very rough urban area). Do they live in a high crime area? My partner doesn’t like me walking alone where he grew up, he’s just known too many awful things happen right outside his house to not worry. We live in a small town nearer to my family and he has no issue with me going out alone here, or anywhere else, just where he grew up. Maybe they feel responsible for you because you’re only in that area to visit them?

I would limit visits to when your husband is there, particularly with a language barrier as it is hard to advocate for yourself and your child. Once he has set some boundaries and they actually follow them, then you can go on your own with your LO.

As for following you when you go out alone, thats unacceptable and your husband should be telling your in laws to leave you alone! No one should feel monitored when they are out and about. They may disguise it as safety but it sounds more like control.

Dp’s girlfriend is British and from a British/North Indian Hindu family, he’s British from the sort of mixture we all have including Polish Jewish, southern English and Scottish. I fully expect that if they have kids together, that her culture will take precedence in bringing up the kids because she’s their mum, and I also expect that to be a struggle sometimes. I’d also want to be able to be myself around her and the grandchildren in terms of my own behaviour- but not hers. Clearly this is an ideal, but I think the only way it’s going to happen is to be as open as we can and to say if something is upsetting you.

Im going to go against the grain and encourage you to keep visiting without your Dh, but I’d also say that you are definitely allowed to speak up a lot more. Your children will need to navigate all the parts of their own culture too, and I think being explicit about the things you really care about will only help them.