How should I respond when friends seem to be grey rocking me?

[canaryfeather]

have had a couple of friends separately (they don’t know each other) ‘grey rock’ me now. I don’t really understand how I’m supposed to react though. Am I supposed to just stop contacting them as it appears they don’t want contact. They either don’t reply for days/weeks to anything I send or reply yes/no style answers

Then they'll text me happy birthday and I’m back to being confused as to why they’d bother. Feel like I’m in an awkward zone where I’m not sure if I’ve done something wrong and deserve this or if they’ve just got bored of being friends. should I just accept we’re not really friends anymore ?

Well, what do you want from the relationships? Do you see them in person at all?

Have you attempted to arrange to meet up with either of them?

I'd find some new friends, and look at my definition of friendship.

I moved away to another area fairly far away so don’t see them so often now, I used to be in contact every week/day regardless of if I saw them though and one friend I used to only meet up with a few times of the year anyway. We’ve been friends for over a decade, texting and not seeing each that often just staying in touch, things like sending pictures of family/life etc. went to each others weddings etc.

One of my friends dc has just started school and I feel like they’ve probably made new mum friends so don’t have time/don’t need me anymore. And the other friend I don’t really have any idea

@GoldDuster yes I am assuming I’ll have to get new friends.

Maybe they have just moved on or have their own stuff to deal with. Assuming they are grey rocking you is quite an egocentric way to view the situation?

It's said there are three aspects to friendship; proximity, timing and energy.

All three need to be in place for the friendship to work. If one of them is off, the friendship will fade. It's not personal.

You text every day? That feels quite a lot, I'd ignore it too, to try and get you to not text so often. I have friends who are frequent texters and I DREAD getting in touch because I know the second I message they message back and try to have a conversation via bloody text. If you are one of those people, that's why they ignore you, they are trying to train you to be less annoying.

@CharlotteSometimeslikesanafternoonnap no we don’t text everyday anymore I was highlighting the previous relationship and I wasn’t the ‘instigator’ of all the texts it felt fairly mutual, so I don’t think I’m simply annoying but sure I’ll take it on board.

I've also been sort of slow ghosted by friends. But then, I've also done that myself too. I think it's just that friendships wane when proximity is gone.

Texting is a lot for you, but it's not objectively wrong - some people enjoy it.

If OP's friends used to text her daily with every sign of enthusiasm, it's not necessarily right to assume that they have always found this level of contact boring/annoying and been looking for a way to escape it....

OP, it may be that you have done something to upset them you aren't aware of, OR may simply be that their lives have moved on and they are focusing on other friendships. Your choices I suppose, are;
A) accept the new, reduced level of friendship and simply text occasionally/on special occasions.
B) stop texting altogether, if this is too hurtful/doesn't work for you.
C) ask them about it. This is a bit of a nuclear option as they may feel criticised/got at and cease the friendship, but if you are thinking of stopping contacting them anyway, perhaps you have nothing to lose. If you force a confrontation over something like this, tho, I guess you have to be prepared to hear potentially hurtful things.

I once called out two previously close friends who had stopped contacting me, because I believed they had listened to malicious gossip spread by another and I felt pretty furious that they had believed someone known to be a sensationalist and liar, over me. One of them ignored my message and I never heard from her again, the other sent a pretty crushing message basically saying she had priorities in her life and I wasn't one of them.

For this reason I wouldn't recommend this course of action unless you are feeling very emotionally robust!

Good luck, whatever you decide to do.

This happened to me when I my dc’s friends started at different schools. We had a group chat and it just got quieter and now we don’t really bother. I also realised that I was putting in a lot of effort and when I stopped, it stopped. So fuck it as far as I’m concerned. I am sad but I am tired of putting in energy to people who don’t match it. If they aren’t bothering, I would say they aren’t as invested in the friendship. Sorry. X

Grey rocking is traditionally used when people are being toxic or the like (in recent years its been the reaponse suggested for dealing with narcissists), it's quite a big step to take. Unless you've done something questionable, it's probably not actually a grey rock situation.

People fade in and out of life unfortunately, learned this myself a few times and as painful as it is, unless you are going to be direct and ask them why, you'll never know.

This ^.

I used to get fed up with always initiating meetings/activities etc. for some people that didn't bother to reciprocate.
So I let them go.

You need people in your life that meet you at least half way.

Thanks. I can’t think of anything I’ve done. I think it’s probably they’re moving onto newer friendships then. I don’t think I could handle someone telling me I’m not a priority anymore @Ilovelurchers how awful for you, but I can see I probably am not a priority if I’m honest.

When kids start school things change a lot - often work takes over your head and you don't have the free time you did when they were younger.

But mainly things just change and move on - particularly if you've moved away. It's totally understandable and I wouldn't take it personally.

In all honesty, it’s much harder keeping up with relationships when you don’t live so close anymore. I’ve had friends move away and they’ve generally been the ones to pull away as they’ve met new people in their area. Your friends are probably just spending more time with those who are closer and easier to see since you moved. It’s not necessarily anything to do with you, just t circumstances and distance.

Hi op yep had it too. Get one yearly text from cousin for birthday! I think it has be 2 way efforts. I met a lovely old neighbour last may but same thing again unless I chase her. Op Im not sure either or the ones taking days to reply to texts kinda feel am done with friendships now. I saw a thing on insta was saying to match their energy.

Maybe people not as invested in friends now. Ive stopped. Met few lovely girls at work and they great for catchups so not all bad

Harsh. Friends normally want to keep up some form of contact with each other. Do you 'move on' from friendships yourself without telling the person you've moved on?

No. Every time i have lost a friendship except one, we have just grown apart and things have ended naturally. I dont really feel that it is necessary to tell someone i am not friends with them any more. That feels a very junior school way of doing things. Why close a door on a relationship with someone when you have no idea where life might take you in the future? I have friends i dont see for years who then come back into my life, and people i only see or chat to once a year but they are still friends.

The friendship has naturally taken its course, that's all.

Unfortunately if you’re the one that has moved away, this happens. As sad as it is, focus on forging more friendships and accept that these ones aren’t the same as they once were. It’s tough but if they’re not willing to meet you half way and put in some effort, then I would just move on.

Wtf is "grey rock" 🤣🤣

I think assuming its on purpose or malicious suggests more about you than them. Contact between friends quite often waxes and wanes for all sorts of reasons.

I quite often fail to reply to friends messages. I have a very full on life and sometimes I read a message then think I need to check the calendar first and forget or get interupted halfway through texting them back. If they call me though I will always answer if I can or call them back if I can’t answer right away and we’ll have a chat.

If things drift for a bit I would assume that life is busy and that replying to my message is not the most urgent or important thing they have to do and I’m totally ok with that.

I don’t think you need to ditch them but perhaps you should cultivate some other friendships so you are not so reliant on their friendship.

Just to give an alternative perspective that may or may not be relevant to yours. I’m 50 and menopausal. I am married and have one daughter now 12. My job is full on. My parents are elderly and need help. I feel I am being stretched in all directions at a time when I feel quite fragile- before I was more robust at dealing with most things thrown at me. My friends are in similar positions, maybe different family set ups or demands but all juggling. We all fade in and out of each others life and pick up where we left off when we can. These friends are women who are warm, kind and we are all real cheerleaders of each other. We are all doing the best we can. I have some friends that I might message on their birthdays and be thinking god I’ve been a rubbish friend and vowing to myself I’ll do better and then it not happening. Not sure what I’m trying to say here other than there may well be no ill intent and no real decision to not be responding, it’s just being frazzled and stretched, knowing that you are disappointing someone somewhere. Anyway, I do understand that being on the end is hurtful. I have one friend where we both keep saying we will meet up but we never do and I think we are basically in different pages at the moment. So the affection is there but it’s just not working out practically. I’m rambling now but hope some of this may help. Xxx