How should I respond when friends seem to be grey rocking me?

[canaryfeather]

have had a couple of friends separately (they don’t know each other) ‘grey rock’ me now. I don’t really understand how I’m supposed to react though. Am I supposed to just stop contacting them as it appears they don’t want contact. They either don’t reply for days/weeks to anything I send or reply yes/no style answers

Then they'll text me happy birthday and I’m back to being confused as to why they’d bother. Feel like I’m in an awkward zone where I’m not sure if I’ve done something wrong and deserve this or if they’ve just got bored of being friends. should I just accept we’re not really friends anymore ?

Yes people busier now. My friend has kids sports and a mam mid 80s. If you want make time for friends you will. We do meet. Hate the must meet up soon xx as you know they wont commit. Have a few friends/hobbies does help this

I've been both sides of this at various points. Ive been the instigator & people dont reply straight away & I get that it can feel rubbish. However, Ive also been the person who has a million unread messages, or messages I have glanced at but just dont have the capacity to get back to or have genuinely forgotten I didnt reply. Life can be busy & overwhelming, and theres so much more going on for people than what they might share/let on.
If it genuinely bothers you, discuss it with them or decide if its time to move on for your own wellbeing. Good luck

I dont think they are grey rocking you, as that suggests you've done something wrong. Honestly I think these friends have turned into acquaintances. It happens. You can be really close to someone and then one day look up and realise theyre no longer a part of your life. As others have said, you moving away is probably the cause but it doesn't mean they dont still like you, which is why they still send 'Happy Birthday' messages. They're keeping things on friendly terms. Just say thanks and leave it at that. Dont see it as them wanting more. Friendships ebb and flow. Right now youre not that close, maybe one day you will be again.

I don’t know how old you are, whether you have children or parents who need support. I feel so guilty for not being in touch with certain friends and it’s not because I don’t care for them and value their friendship.
Between work and family there are some people that I’ve lost connection with which is on me.
I’m undergoing ADHD assessments and realise that I struggle with the pace of life with WhatsApp/ messaging. Unless I respond to a message immediately it’s lost to me. If it requires me to check a diary and arrange a date I’m rubbish

Agree I did it to an acquaintance/friend just after my first son was born. She was single (an only child) and she kept calling round unannounced and expected me to always prioritise her over my new baby son and drop whatever I was doing. One time we were both ill and had, had a sleepless night. She called in unannounced one morning in the early days just as we were both about to go back to bed. I was short with her and I suppose I grey rocked her and it thankfully fizzled out over time. I had nothing left to give and I no longer had the time or energy for her and her dramas as a new sleep deprived mum.

I have recently had two old friends who I am drifting apart from. Several of the last few get togethers have been cancelled by one or both of them so we haven’t met up for several months now and also the fairly frequent whatsapp and text messages have dried up. They both had children when they were younger and are both grandmas now whereas I had children very late so mine have only just semi flown the nest at Uni and first jobs.

So I guess lives and circumstances change and I now can’t be done with always being the one to reach out and running after people nowadays. If they wanted to reach out and communicate or make the effort to see me then they would. I have taken the hint.

People arent psychic. Send them a carefully worded message explaining that you are going to ease of comms as the responses that you are getting are feeling a bit dismissive, though you appreciate that may not be what's intended. Don't accuse them of anything, no guilt trips, just state how it's making you feel. You might get a "oh sorry. i'll do better" or you might get a "nice knowing you"...but at least you'll know. I sent a message along these lines today to a friend who was either leaving me on read or just putting a thumbs up against everything ...we've agreed that whatsapp just isn't our forum, we need to see each other in person to effectively communicate coz we're both body langauge readers. I feel so much better now we've addressed it..and I wasn't being pushed aside as I feared. He apparently hates text, and I use it for logistics more than conversation - arranging meet ups, sending links etc.

Friendships are frequently seasonal, some people suck at texting, some people are busy or are being swallowed up in their own issues, some folk are just toxic...you don't know unless you ask. Given my rather recent experience...don't let your own fear of rejection destroy your friendships as it nearly has mine.

This sounds really confusing. You can either match their energy and just leave them to it and adjust how you see them ( sounds like at the moment you have no choice) . You could ask if all ok as they seem a bit distant - you could get a variety of answers but might give you some clarity. Or you could just totally ignore them and wait for them to come to you. I’d probably be inclined to ask them if everything is ok, and the responses might decide how you feel about them and their efforts or lack of .
I will say though that any relationship that leaves you feeling strange, wondering or confused isn’t a healthy one, so just think carefully if you can put any extra time and effort into it.
My best friend ( since we were little) became very odd with communication after her divorce and she really backed off for a couple of years - she was like a sister to me - and I went through like a mourning period really of missing her from our lives . In the past year she has come back to her old self, and since told me she was going through personal hell ( to be expected) and was just in a very weird place where she couldn’t face me / social situations and was low. Either way it’s a little hurtful but if you sent going to probe more then you have to cut them off as hard as it is.

Agree. You usually get a feeling something is off with a friendship or relationship. In my experience sometimes I have tried to keep contact, thought I might be wrong and or over thinking things or asked if anything is wrong so I could support them but mainly if something feels off it usually is and if they want to communicate with you or maintain the friendship they will. You have to leave them to it and give them distance and accept short messages or whatever.

Sometimes people are in a bad place but rarely mainly one or both of you have changed and outgrown the friendship and people move on and change (for a whole host of reasons).

Why the “?”. If thinking about your place in the world, about how people relate to you and your feelings about that is egocentric then that’s most of MN. Not thinking about relationships and friendships might well be egocentric.

The question mark is in place of "is it not?"

the point i was making is that assuming someone is grey rocking you is assuming that problem is all about something that you have done. You are effectively saying that things happen because you do stuff, which is literally the definition of egocentric.

Thinking about yourself and your own feelings is also to some extent egocentric.

However, i think that most of mumsnet is aimed at trying to understand other peoples perspectives and ways of interacting and responding to situations by asking for a wide range of views on a topic. Everyone is different and has different drives and different stuff going on in their lives. We can never assume to know what someone else is going through and i think it is really helpful to remeber that when you are processing how people respond to your actions.
If my friend is stroppy with me, i wonder if she is upset or going through something hard. I dont assume that i am the issue unless i have done something obviously shitty.

Try talking plain English and we might understand what you're on about.

This is spot on. I can honestly say i actually don’t have any friends at all. I used to have prob 7 years ago or more then situations, work, house move. Kids I’m actually enjoying being on my own. Not all the time but ive realised big time that effort works both ways and its hard meeting decent friends who stay with you xx

It seems a typical Mumsnet trait to not expect anything from good friends or even family at all.

Why should all the effort be one sided in any relationship? If someone wants you in their life they make the effort. Even if I’m stressed and unwell I will send a quick message that takes less than ten seconds telling friends I will get back to them when I’m better.

In the real world if good friends of ten years plus change the way they communicate with us and seem less interested it might be cause for concern.

I think especially if the tone and frequency of communications changes dramatically from how it was.

Ive had a few people do this and decided to just match energy and stopped getting in touch. One went from texting me weekly to not replying for 3 months. Just bizarre and shows that you are low priority. Needless to say once you stop grasping for their friendship they don’t bother and it is very freeing to let these people go.