How to start a serious relationship conversation and get honest answers

[Spottyblobby]

How would you kick off a serious conversation about your relationship in order for it to be successful? Been with DP over 10 years, 1 child together, I’ve got 1 from previous relationship, lived together for around 9 years.
We have had discussions before where I have explained “this is how I’m feeling, this is what I need from you, how does that sound” but I feel like he tells me what I want to hear & we never get to the root cause of the issue & as a result it stays the same. I would rather hear something unpleasant eg “I really don’t fancy you anymore” so I know where I stand than “I’m just tired a lot”.
I was thinking of explaining via text/email I would like to have a discussion later this evening & sending him some questions to consider so that when I ask stuff eg “what does a good relationship look & feel like to you” etc he doesn’t just say “I don’t know, you’ve just blindsided me with this question”. Am I stupid? Is sending discussion points ridiculous, any better suggestions.

Don't waste your time OP it's clear he is well practised in avoiding these type of serious conversations. Maybe couples counselling would help where he can be taught to communicate with you better? I have a feeling he won't want to go down that route but you can try.

As PP says I don’t think it’s something you can figure out on your own. Healthy, open and honest communication takes two people who genuinely want to participate- if he doesn’t then no amount of prewarning or planning on your part is going to change that.

It sounds like you've come to a point where there's no harm in trying what you're suggesting?

I'd avoid abstract questions like "what does a good relationship look like to you". My DH is wonderful but his brain just doesn't work this way as he doesn't spend time thinking about this deep stuff. Instead I ask things like
Are you happy with our relationship right now?
Is there anything I do that you would like me to change if I can?
Is there anything you wish we did together that we don't do?

When it's your turn to say what you want to change, rather than saying things like "I'm not happy when you do xyz and here's how I want you to change it," I would always phrase it more like, "I struggle with xyz. How can we change how this happens?" And talk about it, listening to his ideas too. Less blame, more proactively hunting for solutions.

If you tackle things constructively like this and he doesn't respond, I'd probably be blunt and say, "Okay, I've doing my best to try to fix the things in our relationship that make us unhappy. Why don't you want to do this too?" Depending on his answer you could try counselling if he'll agree. But if you want to leave him at some point no matter what, then I think you need to just be prepared to withdraw a bit and try to ignore his deficiencies until that time.

Sorry OP but I would hate it if my partner sent me a text/email with an agenda for discussion! Vague questions like 'what does a healthy relationship look and feel like for you aren't going to move you forward - you need to be specific on what you're not happy about and what needs to change. Have you considered couples counselling?

I am also going to to say I would absolutely hate to receive an agenda.
In the past, we've always had very clear rules for serious conversations, the number one being no answers such as "I don't know" or "I am not sure". Of one of us delays answering if we genuinely don't know or are not site, then we are very specific about timeframe. For example, "I will think about it and let's pick it up at 3pm tomorrow".
We would always start a conversation with a statement that the purpose is to have a positive discussion about our relationship, that we are not looking to assign blame and the aim is to find a way to move forward as a couple.
Then summarise at the end with action points. Who is doing to do what, when and how.
As a result of one of those conversations, we did agree to separate but other than that, it worked really well throughout the relationship.

He would say it’s not something that we can afford sadly. Even though I would rather go without something else rather than continue as we are.

Thank you for your honesty, I will reconsider the pre warning message. I want the conversation to be focused on him and what he wants and needs because I’ve said where I’m at so many times, and he just says “yeah maybe that could change when I’m less tired/busy/insert excuse here” but it never changes. But I wasn’t quite sure how to get there without asking some quite open questions. I want to know if he is happy how we are & if he even thinks it needs to change, and if there is anything I can do to help us get there.

I know we're all different but I'd hate this sort of 'therapy speak'.

It'd get my back right up if my husband suddenly started saying things like “this is how I’m feeling, this is what I need from you, how does that sound”

It sounds strangely insincere and like it's been learned from a podcast or something.

God, I remember these conversations.

I never sent an agenda, or took minutes, but my ex husband and I went through a stage where every conversation we had arrived at what we needed to change, what was wrong with our marriage, etc.

It was all just so painfully serious and mindnumbingly difficult.

You’ll notice I said ex husband.

Your OP doesn't really say what your issue is. Maybe your partner doesn't either. What is the issue ?

What is it actually that you want resolved, OP?

Doing things via email isn’t a great idea. If I were you, I’d look into the approaches used in couples therapy to initiate and encourage open communication and employ those. For example, speaking in “I” statements is far preferable to “you”, and you need to come from your perspective being yours alone- he may have a different angle on things and neither is necessarily wrong. Eg instead of “you never make an effort to go out with me”, you’d say “I value intimacy and time together in our relationship, and because you do not initiate dates together, I feel as though this is not a priority for you, which makes me feel that us being close is not important to you.” You are explaining how you think and what you think, and your reactions to his behaviour, but leaving the door open for him to communicate without judgement.

re paying for therapy, you could independently save up for say 5 sessions and then tell him you want to go together and have saved up specifically for it because you’re not happy how things are and it needs to change. If he still refuses, use that money to go to therapy yourself- it is very worthwhile when you’re facing situations like this.

@Spottyblobby

OP - are you 100% clear on what things are making you unhappy and what things would make you happier?

Reason for asking this is I tend to tangle multiple issues in my head and emotions and it is quite overwhelming for someone else to receive.

After introducing the chat as a “gentle check in/ catch up” can you limit those to 2 or 3 main points and no more. Start with “I” statements that communicate whatever it is that is lacking for you and what “improvement” would like and feel for you with no air of expectation or criticism - just sharing your feelings with enough examples to make your comments understandable.

Is there anything he has asked you to address? I think it would be very
important to acknowledge any of these as well so it doesn’t feel like an attack.

Then invite him to do the same back to you?

If he is not immediately comfortable to do so, you could ask him to let you know when he would have capacity to share anything that is bothering him as you’d like to try to work on anything that is making him unhappy.

An agenda I think makes the starting tone inherently negative and feel like a performance appraisal.

I’d also be very careful of the timing ie when you choose to start such a convo. Just in from work, hungry, tired, rushing elsewhere all = ❌

Maybe on a walk? Or a long drive (fuel prices permitting 😅).

We don’t have a physical relationship at all, haven’t for a year now. We sit next to one another on the sofa, he will let me cuddle him, but that’s it.
We share a bed currently but he just moves away from me. I don’t think it’s stress, he moved to a less stressful job last year to get better work life balance, I don’t think it’s tiredness, he’s very physically active in other areas of life, runs, cycles etc. I think it’s me and I just need him to be honest with what I’m doing wrong/if it’s anything I can fix.

Im quite an emotional person, I cry very easily and I think when I explain how I feel, that I want to be wanted by him, I do get a bit upset and then he just has this crying woman on his hands & wants to get out the conversation asap. That’s why I thought a more structured approach may help.

It not entirely clear what the goal of this conversation would be. Is it just a nice chat to reassure and reaffirm that each others heads and hearts are in the relationship? Or are you at your wits end and are demanding change or break up?

Sorry just explained above. He has no sexual interest in me at all & hasn’t for a long time. I need to understand if he also finds this a problem, if it’s something he wants to fix & if so what I can do better.

I love the idea of me saving and paying for it myself, I think that may show that I’m quite serious that I need things to be different for my own sanity & if they can’t be helping me find the strength to leave.

I think you need to start by telling him that you are at the point where you are seriously considering whether the relationship has a future. It needs to be clear that you are deeply unhappy (quiet resentment isn't always obvious to them!) and that he has an active choice to make - will he actively engage in connecting and improvong things (rather than passively coasting along pretending it is 'enough'). If he's not willing to engage then you have your answer, it isn't a priority for him. Do with that information what you will.

I wonder if it might be helpful for you to focus more on yourself than your partner?

What I mean by that is that you've clearly really tried with your partner, but you've not managed to make the kind of progress you'd like to see. The trouble is that you cannot make him talk and you cannot make him change either. But what you can do is look at the situation you find yourself in, decide, for yourself, without any reference to your partner, how you feel about that, and then also decide what is important to you and what you want. That will then make it easier to know what your next steps should be.

Ultimately, it's really important that you draw your own conclusions (and then have the courage of your convictions). If you are really unhappy, and your partner refused to engage, I think you need to consider whether staying in that relationship is in your best interests. This is not a "leave him immediately" and I appreciate that it is very, very difficult, especially when you have a family. Couples counselling absolutely would be a good idea to try if there is some way you can afford it.

So is the lack of sexual interest the only problem (in addition to the communication difficulties obviously)? If so, that is quite possibly resolvable.

Be honest with yourself, are you physically and emotionally 'the same' as you used to be when he was interested in you sexually? If he has stopped finding you sexually attractive because you have eg put on weight or something, then this isn't ideal but it also isn't his fault, and he may be reluctant to tell you exactly what the issue is. Could you start the conversation with telling him you want him to be completely honest, even if he has gone off you sexually for some reason? Be genuine and really persuade him you are not going to blame him for his answer.
Also mention that if he has a medical issue or similar that you are not judging, etc. Open all the doors for him to make it easier to say whatever he is struggling with?

@AltitudeCheck has nailed it. It’s perfectly natural to want sexual intimacy in your relationship and it sounds like there’s no obvious physical, mental or emotional explanation for why your partner has checked out of sex. This warrants a clear and direct conversation where you make clear that this is causing you to want to call time on the relationship.

So a sexless marriage ?
Many people would be unhappy.
Time be honest.
‘look Dave , I love you and sex is a very important part of relationship.
can you tell me why we’ve not had sex for a year? ‘

I find rate this whatsoever.

What if his reason is something unreasonable and OP has already laid out that she’s not going to be upset about his answer?

Removing accountability from him is absolutely not it IMO.

He’s a generally kind, lovely man. He makes me cups of tea, empties the dishwasher every morning, bins are out on time. Picks up the youngest after, afterschool club most days as I work until 6. He provides and oversees the financial aspect of our lives. Other than my need to feel desired by my partner & have a physical connection with them, I am happy.
I think both of our appearances have changed since we got together, but I still fancy him. I am over 10 years older & not the 25 year old he was dating way back when. However despite having a child & encountering the mid 30s metabolism I am only around a stone heavier than when we met. If that’s the issue it will be hard to hear but it will give me the kick up the arse I need to improve myself which I am more than willing to do.