How to start a serious relationship conversation and get honest answers

[Spottyblobby]

How would you kick off a serious conversation about your relationship in order for it to be successful? Been with DP over 10 years, 1 child together, I’ve got 1 from previous relationship, lived together for around 9 years.
We have had discussions before where I have explained “this is how I’m feeling, this is what I need from you, how does that sound” but I feel like he tells me what I want to hear & we never get to the root cause of the issue & as a result it stays the same. I would rather hear something unpleasant eg “I really don’t fancy you anymore” so I know where I stand than “I’m just tired a lot”.
I was thinking of explaining via text/email I would like to have a discussion later this evening & sending him some questions to consider so that when I ask stuff eg “what does a good relationship look & feel like to you” etc he doesn’t just say “I don’t know, you’ve just blindsided me with this question”. Am I stupid? Is sending discussion points ridiculous, any better suggestions.

I did NOT say OP should say she won't be upset. I said "won't blame him", which is completely different.

I’m sorry but if my partner went off me because I’d put a single stone on having aged 10 years and carried his children.

I would blame him.

I would say this to him at the start so he knows you REALLY want him to be honest. It sounds like it's unlikely to be weight if you've only put on a stone, but you never know. But telling him you are prepared to hear things he thinks you will find offensive might open the door for him to be honest.

It sounds like a relationship worth fighting for. Tell him you are fighting for it, and ask him to fight with you. He needs to hear that too.

I think actually don't talk Because it obviously doesn't work !.
Sit down and write a letter detailing exactly how your feeling why your feeling it and what outcome u need and anything you need from .your DH !
I have done this before and it actually really worked because he had to be quiet when he read it and concentrate whilst reading it !!
And things did change it's a good way to communicate sometimes because sometimes when we try and talk things throu they can come across as accusations and then the other person becomes defensive !
Goodluck x

Really? So are you saying you would be physically attracted to your partner no matter how they changed physically? If so, you are very rare!
There have been threads on here on this subject, and most people said they would not fancy their partner if xyz changed about them. I am the same. I adore my husband for his personality, and I fancy his personality. I also fancy his body, but if he put on a couple of stone I don't think I would. That isn't my fault, it's my personal biological sexual preference, which I can't change. I would still have sex with him, but i would be doing so fancying his personality, not his body.

I totally get that you mean well, and there is definitely a bit of a feminist angle to this, but I think attitudes/expectations like this are exactly what stifles open and honest communication.

The OP herself says she would prefer hearing something unpleasant from her partner to the silence she's getting at the moment.

We can't help the way we feel, and honesty really matters in a relationship.

My partner has actually put on about 4 stone since we met - we’ve actually been talking about that today, before this thread even materialised.

I can’t say I hadn’t noticed, I’m not blind, but I’m not bothered in any way, beyond caring about his health.

There’s no change to the level of physical attraction, even with the knowledge that he is bigger.

The man could be covered in purple spots and I couldn’t give a shit.

There definitely is, in that I don’t believe our bodies are owned or should be managed by our partners expectations.

As I alluded to earlier, I’ve been where OP is. I worked out that my ex husband didn’t find me physically attractive anymore, and the love had left our marriage. In the end (finally) that did come out, but by that point I’d worked it out for myself anyway. It was more confirmation of what I knew.

Once OP does hopefully get the information she needs from her partner, it is ultimately up to her what she chooses to do with that.

Personally, I chose to divorce him rather than change myself or fight for a marriage he’d let die with his silence.

Thank you so much for this, can I just ask, did you have him read it whilst you were there, then discuss it? Or just have him read it & allow him to then take the next steps? Thanks again.

It sounds like you were in a totally different situation though? The love had left your marriage, but it hasn't left OP's - she describes a good husband who shows love by his actions (I appreciate it was a brief paragraph and only OP knows the whole picture).

It's really important to separate fancying/sexual attraction, and love/lust as a feeling, and love as an action. You can feel love towards your partner, and show love to them, but not fancy them. Also, fancying is often fickle - it can vary, fade, and return.

I don’t think it’s fair to dismiss his tired/busy answer. That’s often the biggest reason (as far as I’m aware) that I distance myself from DH from time to time. I love him and fancy him but don’t always have the capacity for physical intimacy.

Even if it is deeper than that, he might not know what the reason is. I read something the other day (it was a bit woo woo) about how when your nervous system is in distress, then you don’t feel safe enough for physical intimacy and so that physical part of your body shuts down. High stress work and lifestyle can trigger this sort of response, and having energy for exercise would support this as that can be a way to temporarily manage stress. I can’t imagine anyone is consciously aware of a physiological response like this.

I’d be framing it around, how does he get to a place where he isn’t so tired/busy any more, and being clear that you can’t live like this forever so you have to work together to improve the situation. The problem is unlikely to be you if he’s otherwise attentive, it’s likely to be an issue he needs help with and demanding answers from him may just make the whole thing more stressful and make it all worse.

It sounds like you're doing all the work here 😔 I think it would be good to do couples counselling, you need to know that he is serious about addressing the issues in your relationship. It takes two to face up to problems and he seems adept at being avoidant. Maybe it's time for an ultimatum? Counselling or separation?

He read it whilst I was with him and I knew instantly he took that in better than a conversation and I've only had 2 do this once !! Been together 30 years !!! And he did stop doing/saying things that were hurtful not nasty but disregarding my feelings x

Sorry all, I don’t mean to try to reignite an old thread, I just wanted to say a huge thank you to everyone who took the time to give advice & share their thoughts. In the end I wrote an email, following your advice it was very direct, no therapy chat! Explained initially about all the good stuff & what made me really happy we were together & then added the but this is what I’m missing & how it makes me feel & the discussion I would like us to have. We then had a really good chat that evening & since then things have gradually gotten better & 2 months on we haven’t fallen back into old habits. We haven’t gone as far as therapy but he is more open to talking about stuff with me, which kind of just airs stuff out before it becomes the elephant in the room. So thanks mumsnet heroes ❤

Thanks for the update, @Spottyblobby. That’s great news.

Great update OP, glad things between you are on the right path. It's nice to read some good news!

I had this. Turned out he thinks he has a condition, wasn't attracted to me anymore or anyone according to him. I've grieved our relationship and I'm getting ready to leave soon. It's been a few years btw, not just leaving instantly.

He never sought help, never wanted therapy, would have talks about it either got shut down or just had arguments. It's no life.

I'd rather be alone then be lonely in a relationship. At least alone there is no expectation. I feel so much older than I am.

There are a lot more issues to our relationship. It hasn't been one for years. I'm just biding my time and I'm a bit scared. But if I stay with him, I will never have the life I want. But in a few months, it will be easier for me to do so.

Ok: a) stop thinking that thete is something wrong with you ir that you need to fix. You will only continue to make yourself smaller and smaller. He is rejecting and avoiding you. He doesn’t feel the need to give you the form of intimacy you crave so at the very least you ate mismatched in that way. But more to the point he isn’t bothered by the disconnect. Its not a problem for him its only a problem gor you. So he won’t engage in thoughtful problem solving with you because he doesn’t care enough about your problem.