Ma

[Kayke1]

Did anyone ever start a relationship with a younger man who is less financially successful?
I am a 41-year-old woman with three children — 18, 16, and 9. I am reasonably well-off. I have a well-paid job, one mortgaged apartment where we live, and another apartment that I rent out.
After my divorce, I’m not as financially free as I used to be, but overall I’ve done quite well for myself. I don’t live in luxury, and lately, with rising prices, I can’t afford much travel — but still, I think I’ve built a stable life.

A year ago, I met a man. I wasn’t planning to fall in love or start a relationship, but it happened.
He is 10 years younger. When we first met, he thought I was his age — he didn’t know I was older or that I had three children. I take care of myself and look younger than my age.
We started dating, and the relationship developed quite quickly. It wasn’t intense or overwhelming — not love bombing — but something calm and steady. The kind of connection where you feel peaceful in the presence of another person.

He comes from a very poor family and never had the opportunity to get an education beyond high school. When we met, he didn’t even have a driving license — he preferred riding a bike and never thought he would need one.
At that time, he was working offshore — three months away, one month back — and earning good money. He had only started this job about two years before we met.
We met, fell in love, and the relationship developed very quickly. He moved in naturally — not because he pushed for it, but because it simply felt right.
Then he went back offshore for three months, and it was incredibly difficult for both of us. During that time, he showed care in very thoughtful ways. For example, my dog’s leash was broken, and it was actually dangerous because the dog pulls a lot. I kept postponing replacing it, but he insisted on paying for a new one and sending it to me — which he did.
He is trustworthy, he never breaks his word, he is kind, gentle, doesn’t drink, and has high emotional intelligence.
When he came back, we decided that being apart like that wasn’t sustainable, so he chose to find a job locally. At first, he struggled, and I suggested a workplace where he eventually got a job. He has been working there for four months now.
Of course, he’s not fully satisfied — he wants more from life and wants to grow. We discussed many times whether he should go back offshore, but decided that kind of lifestyle is not what we want for our future.
He proposed, and I said yes. We are planning to get married.
He is also very good with my children — calm, gentle, never forcing anything. Even my daughter, who is usually very guarded and doesn’t easily warm up to people, gradually accepted him.
Financially, everything he earns, he brings into the family. From the very beginning, he suggested having a joint account and transferring his full salary there — which he does. I don’t do the same, and I still cover most of the major expenses. Right now, a large part of his income is going towards getting his driving license.
So he has ambition, he is trying, and I truly love him.
But I do have concerns about the financial gap between us.
So my question is — has anyone built a long-term relationship or marriage with a younger partner who was initially less financially established? How did it turn out?

Am I the only person who thinks the whole story odd?

For wellbeing of the kids I'm not worried.

Well, clearly

That was mean and uncalled for. Tells a lot of one's personality.

Very odd post & hard to see really what the OP wants to gain from it - presumably just someone to come on & say they were in the exact same position and it all worked out brilliantly.
But the situation itself sounds so strange & confusing i'm not sure anyone will.

I still don't get why there has to be a marriage at all? Just live together & keep it simple - unless the OP is going to announce they want children together...

unless the OP is going to announce they want children together...

And those children can call her Ma ....

How did you meet him?

It is very ... odd. I have so many questions but suspect that I may be wasting my time.

OP why are you living in an apartment when there are 5 of you and a dog and you are "well off" and own a second apartment? Aren't you all very crammed in?
Why couldn't you but a new dog lead if the old one was dangerous and you are well off?
What country are you in? By "marriage agreement" do you mean a pre-nup? They aren't valid in England & Wales. A will leaving everything to your children won't help when he divorces you and takes half of everything.
His unhappy childhood is concerning. Don't you think it's a risk having an emotionally damaged man you hardly know living with your children?
If he's so keen on family life, doesn't he want his own children? Because let's face it, you are already 41 and that may be unlikely.

I knew one couple where the man was 15 years younger and she had 2 kids (he had none). They were married for decades and were happy, both died last year. But that is the only example I can think of, shows how rare it is. If this is real, you are playing with fire.

Wow, so much cynicism here. Personally, I don’t see the issue. It’s lovely to have assets but you’d be seriously restricting the dating pool even further if you only looked for someone who has similar. As if it’s not hard enough!

I’m a little like you OP and honestly I’m not bothered what an OH earns, as long as he’s got aspirations for himself and feels fulfilled (and does his best to pay his way). Absolutely no one bats an eyelid if it’s the other way around (a man earning way more than his wife) so I don’t see the difference.

As others have said, you need to go in with your eyes wide open, get good financial advice and also be realistic in the way you live. But if he’s as good a chap as you say, why would you jeopardise that over the contents of his bank account?

Moving a man you barely know into the house with a 9 year old says a lot about you. Your daughter didn't gradually warm up to him, you forced her to live with him. She has no choice but to accept that while you pander to him.

High emotional intelligence but he quit a job after a few months to move in with his girlfriend of even less few months and needed your help to find a local job. You manage all the money. He's had a bad childhood ... you are replacement mum.

Edit. Sorry hes 31.

Did you go out with younger man casually then? Why did children become an issue later?

You are making him unhappy by forcing him to make choices he doesn't like. He is still very young and will want children of his own at some point. He wants to travel and widen his horizons. You already resent him for his poor education and low earnings. Let him go for his sake.

"From the very beginning, he suggested having a joint account"

This is not normal.
This is the action of someone manipulative who wants an in to your finances.

Here's an idea OP. Separate your finances.

If the doesn't like that, then you have your answer about him.

I’m not sure why you’re looking for stories from other women who are well off and have married a younger less well off man. If you’re happy with your relationship why are you looking for reassurance?

The fact you’re asking tells me you’re not really happy that he’s younger and poorer. Either go with it or don’t. It’s ok to walk away for any reason. You’ve already decided that he ‘goes back to sea’ if he can’t maintain a reasonable salary once he’s learned to drive. So the money side is clearly bothering you.

My advice would be not to marry someone that you’re not 100% happy with.

It’s irrelevant how old he is. The issue will be marrying him. Especially if you are in the UK. Pre nups are not valid here like they are in other countries. While a judge will take it into account it doesn’t have to be followed legally. So if you marry and get divorced he could well take half of your assets. It’s just something to be aware of.

Let me check I am understanding correctly. You met a guy a year ago. Presumably you spent 1 month with him then he went back to work away for 3 months. Unless you met him the day he came home, it was likely less than a month. So he comes back for a month, you spend time together, he goes back away to work. At some point during this, you decided together this was unworkable, so encouraged him to quit, move in with you and get a job locally? So you not only introduced your 3 kids to a man you had only physically spent a maximum of 2 months with, but you moved him into their home?

What, and I mean this as respectfully as I can, the fuck is wrong with you?

Your children should only just be starting to meet him now, a year in. You shouldn’t even be considering moving him in at a year. Nothing you have done has been with your children in mind.

i don’t know why you’ve posted, it’s clear you are so desperate for his cock, you don’t actually care about protecting your kids or their future inheritance. Sure. Marry him. Come back shocked and surprised when he takes half of everything.

Oh and get rid of the dog to a responsible pet owner.

The OP has to be a joke.

@Tillow4ever 👏

They get married, he gets into his mid-late 30s and wants to start a family...
He finds someone else and gets half of OP's assets in the divorce settlement.

He sounds like a really nice and good guy @Kayke1

This is just me but in your situation I wouldn’t be marrying him.

In your situation I’d try to buy and contribute to another asset from the relationship so that he had something to fall back on in the future if the relationship didn’t work out for whatever reason.

Does he want children?

He probably doesn't but will change his mind.