To track her down and warn her?

[Cantgetausername87]

Exh has a new girlfriend which he's introducing to the kids next week. I want to be clear I'm not feeling jealous/ upset and have moved on from him. He was abusive and it took me a long time to contact the police in order to leave him.
I have no doubts this new lady is lovely (he knows exactly how to pick them!) But it's making me feel sick. She'll have been love bombed and think she's with the most wonderful man.
He won't even give me her first name (for obvious reasons) however once she's met the kids I will have something to go on.
Now I'm sure she thinks I'm batshit and bitter but would it be out of order to try and track her down and advise her to complete a clairs law? I know she may not listen but I wish someone had at least warned me and I'm not sure I could live with myself if I didn't.

Yanbu. She probably won't take any notice but at least you'll have tried, and it might just cause her to pay attention to any red flags that she notices.

I'm sorry for what you went through. Are your children safe with him?

Thanks for your reply. Yes children are safe with him until he has another relationship which turns abusive.
Social services also called at the time and advised they have no concerns with his parenting however were more concerned with me as I put up with it - although nfa. So I had no backing to stop him seeing them. Also, he would just take them from school and cause a load of distress. So a calm, vigilant approach was needed in order to keep things stable with the children.

I suffered physical and verbal abuse from my exH. He met and eventually married a naive and star struck woman who was impressed by his career. I warned her that he could be dangerous and she did think I was jealous and batshit even though I had kicked him out.

Sadly she got terminal cancer quite young and saw me when she was dying to apologise. She said she had led a dog's life with him and wished she had listened to me. I suspect that your exH's new GF will have the same initial attitude as mine.

Sometimes the woman listens sometimes they don’t. If I had the opportunity I’d mention Clare’s law. I wish I’d known about Clare’s Law.
I'm hopeful that Clare’s law can benefit many women. So sick of men and their abusive behaviour.

My take on it is that she won't listen. Not at first, anyway. And will probably assume you're as crazy and unhinged as he is probably telling her.

However, when the cracks in his facade start to show- as they will- she may well revisit your words, and they might give her the strength to leave sooner than she would have otherwise.

Yeah it's so difficult isn't it? I was that silly woman once who had no idea. Then it happens and your eyes are wide open to how common it is, and the fact they don't change.
There will be red flags showing already but unless she's been through it, they're easily shrugged off. I know she's going to think I'm nuts but I don't care, I'll be able to sleep at night x

Exactly. She may not listen but she won't forget, and that may help her in the longer term.

Il

I think advising her to put in a Clare's law request is a good idea. Just warning her off is unlikely to work, but info like that may make her think twice.

My therapist always advised me not to go there. It is not your job to rescue her, unless she contacts you.

Mind you, my ex has a newish partner, and my dcs tell me that she is like a more extreme version of him!

This is what I would do, as he is likely to label you as the crazy jealous ex whereas coming from the police shows it is genuine.

I doubt she will listen, she is being lovebombed.
My ex was still on probation when he started a new relationship, and he had to declare any new relationships as he was just out of prison for DV, so she was contacted by probation rather than me. She still stayed with him for about 9 months. SHe had teenage girls who I worried about terribly, and I was glad when i saw they had broken up for their sake. I'm glad she got out sooner rather than later and didn't stay 29 years like me.

I would tell her. Just very briefly and calmly, ask her to do a Clare’s Law request on him. I wouldn’t get involved, or start telling her stuff about him because as you say he will have said you’re crazy etc.

@DuracellbunnyAPlus thats an interesting take on it - thank you. That sounds to be either a match made in heaven of your ex demonising and setting the kids against her. Have you heard of conflict with them? Do you still let DC see them? (Not judging or arguing I'm actually interested as can see myself in a similar situation down the line) x

I think a note to recommend a Claire’s Law is a good idea! Don’t say anything else that makes you look like a crazy ex, she will get the information from an official source and that’s more credible / harder for your ex to talk himself out of it.

I think you could mention Claires law. Be careful he doesn't turn on you again.

My dcs are young adults now, and dip in and see him sporadically. They told me this after spending time with ex and his partner a few weeks ago. I suspect she has the upper hand but there will be a lot of explosions.

I think that she'll hate the warning now and in the long run be grateful.

When an abusive man starts messing with your head, you doubt yourself. A warning from an external source helps you keep your feet on the ground, eve if you reject it at the time.

It'll be for her long term benefit, not short.

If you only advise her to complete a caries law then I’d say that’s ok but I’d not tell her your story yourself or be too chatty. He will likely already have laid the groundwork that you are a crazy ex.

while I usually am on the side of telling other women about shit men and cheats etc this is different because you have children and if you set him off you could bring a whole load of trouble down on yourself. So if you think he may retaliate or try punish you/get back at you in any way then don’t do it. Don’t expect her to keep what you say from him expect she will tell him everything and he will know what you have done.

I would try and say something very neutral
"look there's two sides to every story. I'm not at all interested in bad mouthing the father of my children but I'd like my conscience clear. I'd strongly recommend you do a Clare's law request so you have all the relevant information"

I really listen to the warnings of him punishing me / kicking off. However, I can't see how. He's a typical domestic abuser and he's only violent behind closed doors. There's the risk that he'll try and punish me through the children but he tries that anyway. Isn't silence only feeding into his behaviour/ being a victim or is it wise and protecting the peace?!

I think this is incredible noble of you and I think recommending to do a Clare’s Law request may give her pause for thought about why you’d suggest that if everything your ex told her was true.

Anyone can request a Claire's Law for anyone, then the police decide whether or not to do the disclosure so I would just make the request online as soon as you have enough details for the police to track her down and disclose.

I wouldn't contact her directly as it gives ex the opportunity to get in her head with his story of you as a crazy ex, liar, etc whereas if the first contact comes from the police she may have a clearer head and be more inclined to listen.

I would say something like "I know you'll think I'm bitter and that you won't want to hear my side of the story, but can I advise that you do a Clare's Law request so you can be fully informed of the situation. You can then make an informed decision about how to proceed".

If an ex had ever approached me to warn me off a new boyfriend, I doubt I'd have listened, especially as the boyfriend would probably have already created a "psycho ex" narrative. But I'd definitely do a Clare's Law request if someone suggested it. There's not really anything to lose.

If you know her contact details you could put in a request in her name: Request information under Clare's Law: Make a Domestic Violence Disclosure Scheme (DVDS) application | Police.uk https://share.google/9vjDFmH2iOkLzFvSA

When I met my abusive ex, his ex girlfriend has moved 60 miles away to get shot of him (he had no car) he had hit her through 3 pregnancies and had never worked. He drank too much and took drugs. Even though I became aware of that, he was so sweet to me and I adored him. A year in, he snapped and changed and them I was that GF he was abusive to. He was awful. I did get rid of him eventually, but I certainly wouldn't have listened to anyone who said he was abusive. I was a very young single mother, and his ex was a nurse - chosen especially so we could be used and abused.
You can try girl, but don't expect her to listen, especially as he would have painted you as The Crazy Ex