To track her down and warn her?

[Cantgetausername87]

Exh has a new girlfriend which he's introducing to the kids next week. I want to be clear I'm not feeling jealous/ upset and have moved on from him. He was abusive and it took me a long time to contact the police in order to leave him.
I have no doubts this new lady is lovely (he knows exactly how to pick them!) But it's making me feel sick. She'll have been love bombed and think she's with the most wonderful man.
He won't even give me her first name (for obvious reasons) however once she's met the kids I will have something to go on.
Now I'm sure she thinks I'm batshit and bitter but would it be out of order to try and track her down and advise her to complete a clairs law? I know she may not listen but I wish someone had at least warned me and I'm not sure I could live with myself if I didn't.

You'll just invite drama into your life. Your priority is your children. You've already said punishing them to punish you is a real possibility. I don't know why anyone would put concerns for a stranger over their children's welfare.
Are you going to warn every girlfriend he has for the next 20 years?

Definitely tell her, but as others have said, be prepared for it to be a slow burner.

Depending on her personality and level of feelings for him, she may respond dismissively or even angrily, may ignore you etc.

But it will plant a seed. It will inevitably be something she thinks about, so will likely cause her to be more vigilant, even if that is on a subconscious level.

Best case scenario, it will also prompt her to do a Clare's Law.

Another thought, have you heard of the Are We Dating the Same Guy Facebook sites? If you feel confident to do so (please don't put yourself at risk!) you could make a post about your ex, to warn any future dates to do Clare's Law. The sites do work - I found a guy my friend was dating on there, and even tho she actually decided to continue dating him (he wasn't an abuser, just a serial shagger) it did prompt her to set clearer boundaries with him and proceed with caution....

Good luck OP, and well done for getting out of this relationship, and for having the courage and goodness to do what you can to protect other women - you are in no way obliged to, but it's lovely that you choose to!

I am usually a strong advocate of preserving and amicable co-parenting relationship, but with a violent abuser how can you?

Her children will be damaged by seeing him abuse another woman - so surely by warning this other woman she is hopefully preventing her children from witnessing that.

It would be different if he planned to keep this relationship away from his children - but clearly he doesn't, if he is already planning an introduction.

What I don't understand is why so many millions of women believe the 'crazy ex' trope. As soon as I hear that, I leave the relationship.
I think you could maybe get another friend of yours to gently warn her and advise her to do a Claire's Law request. You could be saving someone's life.

When you do find out, all I’d do is suggest she look into Clare’s law. That way she has the option to see there’s a risk of abuse but you won’t look like a crazy ex- though he’ll probably gaslight about it tbf.

The good thing about telling her to do a Claire's Law request is that you wouldn't be asking her to believe anything. Yes, she might think you're suggesting it just to make her feel uneasy, but really what would be the point if it came back as all clear? I think it would eat away at someone and they would eventually just have to check.

I would definitely tell her, it’s for her own safety. Whether she believes you or acts on it is up to her, she’s an adult, but you will have done what you can.

I appreciate this opposing view. But yes I probably will warn every gf he has for the next 20 years. I think in general, men get away with this and if I'm brutally brutally honest I think those fuckers should be branded.
They don't change and they ruin more lives. I don't want my children to witness DV again!

Yeah. Best to just stay away from it all.

“Lifewontbethesame · Today 15:10
You'll just invite drama into your life. Your priority is your children. You've already said punishing them to punish you is a real possibility. I don't know why anyone would put concerns for a stranger over their children's welfare.
Are you going to warn every girlfriend he has for the next 20 years?”

I know you’ve addressed this, OP, but for me, it’s this. Perhaps your DCs are old enough that they can protect themselves if he tries to get at you by getting at them. And as you say, he probably gets annoyed with you at the drop of a hat anyway, but something about this feels different.

My view is probably coloured by the fact that when, decades ago, i warned a colleague about the man she was seeing (i knew him from a group setting and had seen him turn very nasty when drunk), she repeated it all to him and he rang me up to threaten me.

Thanks. My youngest is 5 so cannot defend themselves and possibly not articulate what's happening at the other house. He threatens me anyway and makes my life pretty hard as it is so I don't really see the difference?
If she ends up another statistic for strangulation how could I live with myself?

I'm not usually one for sending anonymous messages, OP, but if you feel that there might be any risk to you or the dc, could you potentially contact her somehow without sharing your own identity? I'm guessing that you might not be his only victim so it wouldn't necessarily be obvious that it was you?

Obviously you need to protect yourself OP but I agree with this. Imagine if you had a daughter who was harmed then found out that people knew but nobody warned them? I couldn’t live with that either, don’t blame you at all for feeling that way. Make sure that you are safe though, tell someone or a local women’s refuge that you intend to do this and take advice if are worried about repercussions so that you have a witness and a record.

Thank you - I already have the procedures in place after my risk assessment and I've been pretty strict with door jams and public handovers etc. He's a coward anyway so he's not going to do anything now I'm not under his control.

“Cantgetausername87 · Today 16:47
Thanks. My youngest is 5 so cannot defend themselves and possibly not articulate what's happening at the other house. He threatens me anyway and makes my life pretty hard as it is so I don't really see the difference?
If she ends up another statistic for strangulation how could I live with myself?”

You have to do what feels right to you, OP. You know the man and the situation. That said, for some reason, i can see a difference somehow between this and other things you may do that annoy him. I don’t really know why. You would find it even harder to live with yourself if harm came to your DCs as a result of this. Have you taken advice from somewhere like Women’s Aid on this? They might have experience of this kind of scenario and be able to share some useful insights.

i believe you can apply for Claire’s Law on someone’s behalf. The police would then contact her directly.