Am I being unreasonable and how do I fix it.

[Tailorma]

Hi all, I could really do with some outside perspective as I feel completely stuck and don’t know if I’m being unfair or if this is more nuanced.

My wife and I have been together 15 years and had our first baby 6 months ago. Since he was born, things have changed a lot between us.

It all really goes back to the first week after the birth. We had an argument and my mother got involved and said something she shouldn’t have to my wife. They did make it up, but I don’t think my wife has ever fully forgiven it (which I do understand). I’ll also be honest and say I handled that situation badly and didn’t defend my wife properly at the time.

Since then, my wife feels strongly that I don’t put her first or stand up for her with my family. Before this, she always said she was lucky with her in-laws, but now she feels they can do no right.

Some of the issues:

My mum made a comment that I “only ever ask about the baby and not my wife” since he was born. I took it as her just being baby-focused/excited, but my wife was upset and felt I should have said something.

My mother has only held the baby once and asked for a picture when she did. My wife finds this strange and hurtful and also thinks its my mother showing off to her friends what a great granny she is. I think it’s more to do with my mum not being overly maternal and also having a slight shake, but my wife compares it to how involved her own family are.

My parents live about 5 hours away (they’re in their 70s) and have visited twice, staying in a hotel as we don’t have space. They did take a short trip closer to their own home twice since he was born instead of visiting us, mainly because my dad doesn’t like long drives and is stuck in his ways.

My wife is very hurt they didn’t use that time to come and see the baby instead. She feels they’re not making enough effort and wants me to say something to them about it.

This is where we’re really clashing. I don’t see their behaviour as a huge issue given the distance, their age, and my dad being quite set in his ways. My wife feels it shows a lack of care and effort.

She also says I should be asking them to video call more, check in more, etc. I feel like she expects me to “just know” this, whereas I need things spelled out more clearly.

Things came to a head in the last day. We argued about it and she ended up going to her parents (who live locally) with the baby.She left she said because i don't prioritise her or son when it comes to my family. As she left, she said (to our 6-month-old) that “daddy doesn’t love us as much as his parents and sibling,” which really hurt.

She has said this all affects her deeply because she’s never felt like anyone’s number one growing up, so this is a big emotional trigger for her.

I feel torn. I can see that I didn’t handle things well initially with my mum, and maybe I could do more now. But I also feel like I’m being asked to challenge my family in ways that don’t come naturally to me, especially when I don’t fully agree there’s a major problem.

Our family dynamics are completely different — hers is very open and confrontational, mine avoids conflict and keeps the peace.

I suppose my questions are:

Am I being unreasonable in how I’m viewing my parents’ behaviour?
Should I be saying more to them even if I don’t fully agree?
How do we move forward when we see this so differently?
And how do I make my wife feel like she and our son are my priority without it turning into conflict with my family?

I really do want to fix this, I just feel completely stuck in the middle.

Thanks if you’ve read this far

with what you’ve said at the moment it just sounds like your parents aren’t as interested as hers at spending time with you all. That’s probably hard for her to understand and she’s viewing it as rejection. Did you spend a lot of time with them prior to the birth?
I don’t understand what your has said that’s so offensive?

You should have defended your wife immediately, or apologised to her as soon as you realised how she felt.
At that point, before everything escalated, you should have spoken to your mother about her comments.

You've let this drag on and on, when you could have resolved it right at the beginning.

It's been months now, and your wife doesn't feel like you prioritise her and the baby.

She must be feeling that things can't be fixed, to have left you.

You and your wife need to see a relationship counsellor urgently.

That should say I don’t understand what your DM has said that’s so offensive.

With regards to what you have to do- you need to make your wife a priority.
You need to sit down with her and really listen to what she needs in order to feel that the family you have made is your priority.
do you have a habit of putting your parents needs first?

What did your mum say in that argument?
Anyway your wife is telling you she’s absolutely not happy with your behaviour
so how are you going to work together to fix it?

Sorry @Tailorma but your wife has literally spelt out what she needs from you and you are basically using wepaonised incompetence as a defense.

Step up before she steps out permanently

You can’t force your parent’s to be interested in the baby. Your wife needs to accept that.

I'm impressed that you haven't complained about not getting enough sex @Tailorma because that's usually what men post about their wives on here.

OP, this forum is full of woman and you’re going to get a woman’s point of view.
I will try to be neutral the “daddy doesn’t love us” comment - disgraceful. However taken into account she is 6 months PP I’d let it slide, but keep an eye out for any future comments. This is highly damaging to a child for their parent to speak about their other parent this was. You know your wife and you will know if this was “just one of those things” she said and did not mean/instantly regrets. I hope it is.

she has just had a baby and her whole perspective has changed. Her baby is her world. Why would he not be everyone else’s? It happened. Sadly. And the father’s side of the family (mostly) can be seen as the ones who do not try as hard. That being said, your wife needs to understand that your parents are 70 years of age. How is your wife dictating how your elderly and seemingly retired parents (who have raised their own children) spend their time? If they want to see your child all of the time, perfect! If rhey want to go away, alone after years of raising their own children they absolutely should. Your wife will understand that before long when she had 6 more months raising your lovely baby. I’m speaking from experience!

Hang in there, OP. Also fight for your family to stay together. Times are hard when you just have a baby. Take it from me, I walked away on soon from my DD father and if I could go back I think I would have tried all sorts to not walk away as quickly. Good luck

Your explanations aren't all that clear so I don't fully understand the situation, but what I can say is that I fell out majorly with my husband's family in the months after our first was born. They didn't do anything horrendous but I felt that they were just crappy grandparents compared to my parents and in those raw months when you've had a baby and are exhausted and struggling with a new life the little things really matter and this absolutely enraged me. I'd been through a massive change, was very hormonal and emotional and I remember it being really important that my OH demonstrated he was willing to put me first and back me up.

I wonder if the incident that your mother got involved with is still bothering her as it happened at such a vulnerable time and will be part of her memories of those tricky first few days with a newborn. Your mother should not have got involved, but more than that it was your first test as a father - putting your new family first. You may need to revisit that and let her know how sorry you are and how much you have learned since then.

I think start by sitting down with your wife and asking her how she feels, what she needs and what is really going on.

how do I make my wife feel like she and our son are my priority without it turning into conflict with my family?

By making it clear that she is! Support her. Defend her against your parents. Accept what she is saying. Listen to her, and why she is feeling as she is.

She's told you!

And if if means you have to be in conflict with your parents, so be it. It's telling that you say 'my family' - your wife and child is now your family, who need looking after, loving and cherishing. Your parents are secondary now.

she’s never felt like anyone’s number one growing up

Your wife absolutely should be your number one, and if you're not making her feel like that, such that she is prepared to leave you, then you have to listen and recognise that you're not behaving as husband should be.

This is almost certainly all stemming from that situation.

realistically if your wife has already left and gone to her parents with the baby you are a long way down the line towards separation and divorce already.

it doesn’t really matter if you were reasonable or not what matters to a newly post partum mother is that she feels you will look after you and the new baby above your parents.

once she’s lost that it’s hard for you to get it back.

honestly I think your only course at the moment if you want even half a chance at keeping your marriage is understanding how betrayed and upset she is likely to feel and working incredibly hard to try to rebuild that.

i felt very vulnerable after giving birth and if I’d felt attacked and that my dh had not stood by me then I would feel that he wasn’t worth keeping in my life.

What was the initial conflict over because nothing you've said sounds that bad from your parents. If anything your wife is coming across as high maintenance and lacking understanding about their age and distance.

This. Your wife sounds like a bit of a Princess. What does she expect you to do - force your parents to come and visit at gunpoint?

The comment about you not loving them is downright abusive and an enormous red flag.

You can't demand that your parents be more involved. If you did your wife probably wouldn't like that either.

I'm willing to be there's a long background before this. It is damaging if your DH doesn't stand up for you when criticised by his family, especially if repeated. I do get the 'only asking after baby' thing. My MIL treated me as if I was just an incubator for her grandchild and invisible once the grandchild was there. I often got the feeling she'd rather I just go away so she could have at the grandchild. With these things, I support your wife and know how much it would mean to her if you stood up about these things.

I don't accept someone as being 'set in their ways' as an excuse for bad behaviour. That said, I'm not sure that your parents lack of involvement is bad behaviour, especially with the distance. This is where your wife might need to accept that they are just different and won't be as involved as she would like.You can talk to them about how they would like to be involved and that you'd love to see them more, but you can't make them be more involved, or involved in the way you would like. That part involves respecting their boundaries on how involved they will be and accepting their differences. That may mean you aren't very close to them.

Not okay for your wife to make damaging and manipulative statements like, "Daddy doesn't love us."

Thanks everyone for the advice so far. I genuinely appreciate it.

For a bit more context: the original issue with my mum started just after our baby was born. We stayed with my parents for the first week as it was closest to the maternity hospital. One evening my wife and I had a big row, and she decided she needed space so I slept in another room. I was fine with that.

Without me knowing, my mother texted my wife at 3am saying that sleeping in separate rooms wasn’t helpful, that marriage is hard, and that she needs to let things go — basically comparing it to how she handles things with my dad. My wife was understandably furious, especially as she’d given birth only 8 days earlier. My mum doesn’t see anything wrong with what she said. She does drink too much at times and can forget things she’s said, and she had a stroke a few years ago which I do think has affected her judgement and awareness.

For honesty, my wife and I can have very toxic rows — really vicious and hurtful on both sides. It’s something we fell into early in the relationship and haven’t properly broken out of.

Usually when we fall out, I chase and try to fix things straight away. This time I haven’t. She rang earlier so I could say goodnight to our son and said she was surprised I hadn’t been texting like I normally do. I said I was trying to handle things differently, and she said she thought I’d be trying to fix it. She thinks I don't care because I haven't fixed it.

The truth is I feel like I’m going around in circles. I tell her I’ll stand up for her, but when issues come up with my family, I often don’t see them as a problem in the same way she does and because I hesitate or don’t act, it turns into another argument.

I’m stuck between feeling like I should do more to support my wife, and also not always understanding what the “right” action is in the moment. I don’t want to keep repeating the same patterns.

Really appreciate any further thoughts.

I’m stuck between feeling like I should do more to support my wife, and also not always understanding what the “right” action is in the moment

Surely the 'right action' is always supporting your wife? I don't understand why you are so conflicted about this.

Your mother is way, way, way too involved in this. This:

my mother texted my wife at 3am saying that sleeping in separate rooms wasn’t helpful, that marriage is hard, and that she needs to let things go

... was absolutely horrible and your mother way overstepped the mark. Surely you cannot support your mother in this?

The text was 6 months ago but I just wanted it swept under the carpet because of what I am used to. I handled really bad I accept that and don't agree with what she did..

The issue is now I don't know to handle these situations because I ain't going to my parent's there wrong if there not doing anything wrong like not visiting enough but my wife accepts I should when it annoys her.

I may be a lone voice but I think your wife sounds massively unreasonable- upset because your parents had a weekend away instead of travelling hours to see your child? Absolutely their right to do that and she’s being ridiculous. Judging your mum because she’s only asked to hold your child once? With a DIL like your wife I’m surprised she felt able to ask at all. Some of things you’ve said she sounds deranged. I feel sorry for your mum.

I'm so confused after your second post - and I was confused after your first tbh! You stayed with your parents for a week as it was nearest to the maternity hospital - yet you said they live 5 hours away?

Why would you stay close to the maternity hospital and not go home? This is all very weird OP.

Yes normally you would have a hospital close to your home. why did you have a maternity hospital so far away OP?

Agree, I think what she said, to the child, was far more offensive.
It's sad if your parents aren't as involved as you would both like. Maybe invite them to meet for coffee and politely explain what both of you would like, and how they could be more involved? It might not work, but at least you'll have tried, and your wife will know you have.

My wife had to get medical treatment in the hospital that was closest to my parents..We decided that staying a few says after giving birth would be a good idea then travelling 5 hours for her.

Why did you book at a hospital which was five hours away?

Also - why did you have such a bad row with your wife when she'd only given birth eight days previously? That was awful of you.