Am I being unreasonable and how do I fix it.

[Tailorma]

Hi all, I could really do with some outside perspective as I feel completely stuck and don’t know if I’m being unfair or if this is more nuanced.

My wife and I have been together 15 years and had our first baby 6 months ago. Since he was born, things have changed a lot between us.

It all really goes back to the first week after the birth. We had an argument and my mother got involved and said something she shouldn’t have to my wife. They did make it up, but I don’t think my wife has ever fully forgiven it (which I do understand). I’ll also be honest and say I handled that situation badly and didn’t defend my wife properly at the time.

Since then, my wife feels strongly that I don’t put her first or stand up for her with my family. Before this, she always said she was lucky with her in-laws, but now she feels they can do no right.

Some of the issues:

My mum made a comment that I “only ever ask about the baby and not my wife” since he was born. I took it as her just being baby-focused/excited, but my wife was upset and felt I should have said something.

My mother has only held the baby once and asked for a picture when she did. My wife finds this strange and hurtful and also thinks its my mother showing off to her friends what a great granny she is. I think it’s more to do with my mum not being overly maternal and also having a slight shake, but my wife compares it to how involved her own family are.

My parents live about 5 hours away (they’re in their 70s) and have visited twice, staying in a hotel as we don’t have space. They did take a short trip closer to their own home twice since he was born instead of visiting us, mainly because my dad doesn’t like long drives and is stuck in his ways.

My wife is very hurt they didn’t use that time to come and see the baby instead. She feels they’re not making enough effort and wants me to say something to them about it.

This is where we’re really clashing. I don’t see their behaviour as a huge issue given the distance, their age, and my dad being quite set in his ways. My wife feels it shows a lack of care and effort.

She also says I should be asking them to video call more, check in more, etc. I feel like she expects me to “just know” this, whereas I need things spelled out more clearly.

Things came to a head in the last day. We argued about it and she ended up going to her parents (who live locally) with the baby.She left she said because i don't prioritise her or son when it comes to my family. As she left, she said (to our 6-month-old) that “daddy doesn’t love us as much as his parents and sibling,” which really hurt.

She has said this all affects her deeply because she’s never felt like anyone’s number one growing up, so this is a big emotional trigger for her.

I feel torn. I can see that I didn’t handle things well initially with my mum, and maybe I could do more now. But I also feel like I’m being asked to challenge my family in ways that don’t come naturally to me, especially when I don’t fully agree there’s a major problem.

Our family dynamics are completely different — hers is very open and confrontational, mine avoids conflict and keeps the peace.

I suppose my questions are:

Am I being unreasonable in how I’m viewing my parents’ behaviour?
Should I be saying more to them even if I don’t fully agree?
How do we move forward when we see this so differently?
And how do I make my wife feel like she and our son are my priority without it turning into conflict with my family?

I really do want to fix this, I just feel completely stuck in the middle.

Thanks if you’ve read this far

Op, your wife needs to understand that you can’t make people interested and involved with your children. You can only control your actions not the actions of others. Your wife can be disappointed with their lack of involvement but cannot force that upon them nor expect you too.
your wife’s expectation of others is not something either if you are in control of.
the second issue is the control your family seem to have over you. You do need to stand up for your wife and your family shouldn’t be so involved. The text at 3am was unacceptable and this will be why your wife doubts your loyalty. You need to accept your family you have made is your priority. Whose idea was it to stay with your parents after the birth?

So your mother interfered in your marriage? So also told your wife she had to fix things and do things differently, not you? I can see where your wife is coming from. Your mother needs to keep out of your marriage and it's clear whose back she has.

Is it that your wife has had a difficult delivery or post partum period? This might be making her more emotionally fragile, she may even have pnd that hasn't been picked up. On the other hand I feel she is expecting a lot of attention from yourself and your parents that she isn't, in her view, getting. I do think you would benefit from counselling together

Well he isn't.
Do you hate all men?

The text from your mother was completely out of line. But also, its speaks to a bigger issue - did she speak to YOU also to say that this wasnt the way to handle an argument? I bet not. So basically, not only did she piss your wife off in the moment but shes basically saying to your wife that any problems in your relationship or any arguments are your wife's fault ans for her to fix. Which is obviously not ok.

I personally think your parents not being that interested in the baby is less of an issue. Your wife needs to realise she cant force a relationship. But I suspect that a) there's this constant drip drip of your mother telling her what to do/why shes in the wrong and b) your mother probably saying one thing and doing another. I haven't experienced it myself but, for example, the surprisingly common experience of in laws going on about how much they love their gra ndchildren on social media while not even bothering to remember their birthdays....

Noooooooo....

I read this and thought it was OUTRAGEOUS on your mums part in general...let alone one week postpartum. She just gave birth ffs....

Why the fuck didnt your mother text YOU and give YOU 360 feedbsck on how you conduct your marriage....? And in your shoes I'd have asked your mother that very directly too... instead you rug swept!!!!

Rug sweeping is the worst. You havent acknowledged what has happened and your wife cant move past it because she cant process it because it was never resolved!!!!!

Separately....both of you need to get through year 1 with the baby that means being kind and having a nit in thr tank when the other one doesnt and being the one to say "lets pause this before we say things we regret. I know its hard but I love you"

You cant change your parents engagement levels but you can support your wife and challenge their shitty behaviour.

Your posts are confusing why give birth at a hospital 5 hours from your home????

Have you ever considered your relationship being abusive? You sound like you could be being gas lit?

I am so confused by your post.

What is wrong with your Mother saying you are asking more about your son than your wife. How can your wife take issue with that as surely that indicates your Mother was trying to put the onus on you to take more care of your wife. Had your Mother spotted something that needed to be taken care of medically but did not have the confidence to bring it up.

Your wife is unreasonable not to expect another woman who is a Mother herself with a shake, not to hand over the baby immediately. Your wife, clearly at that stage, had little or no connection to your own child if she allowed it to be put with someone who could drop it without any malice being involved caused by medical issues that she was aware of.

The text was a clumsy effort on your Mothers part to maybe patch things up between you. She clearly sat up all night thinking things through.

If there have been toxic rows in the past your parents have been privy to, then am not surprised they cut their visits.

Your wife sounds like she is maybe bi polar or, since the birth, something hormonal is going on that needs to be investigated as could be extremely dangerous for your child.

Keep your own contact going with your parents in the meantime as no doubt they love you and you may well need them in the future so do not shut them out.

You clearly care.

You sit down and tell your wife she and your son are number one ways and iffer couoles counselling. Relate do it for percentage of income donation.
you. Tell her you wish your parents more involved and you will speak to them. You then soeak ti them and explain you would like more of a relationship and invite them down. You explain your mother shakes snd was scared she woukd hurt baby but desperately woukd like mire cufddles but so fragile st this age. Good luck oh and msybe duscretely ring health visitir for a confidental wellbeing chrck. Sorry gor typos long day

Crikey OP. How old are you both? Your relationship sounds immature and your emotions seem to be on a hair trigger. So what if your Mother offended your wife. Your wife doesn’t have to engage with your Mother. She’s not her Mother. If you want your child to have a relationship with your family, that’s on you … if you’re cool with your family having a distant relationship with your child that’s cool too. It’s unfathomable to me that your wife has left you over something beyond your control. I’d suggest you organise some marriage counselling urgently for your child’s sake.

Your wife sounds extremely immature in what she said to you about not loving them and then running home to mammy and daddy. Stick by your belief, somebody can be your number one, but this does not mean you have to back them when they are being totally unreasonable. Tell her to leave your parents alone, they are in their seventies, can't or won't travel and she has her own parents, what is the problem really?

Your mother was way out of line messaging at 3am and saying what she did. It was totally none of her business. You said you’d apologised for not sticking up for your wife in this, but you might need to apologise again.

However, for all the other stuff, I think your wife is entitled and unreasonable.

I cannot see anything wrong with any of the other specific stuff you mention in your original post.

Not all grandparents will behave the same way. Hers are more involved but they live closer and often maternal grandparents are more involved especially if the women is on maternity leave and free to see them more. Your wife probably feels more comfortable visiting them or having them visit.

Some people aren’t as keen on babies but prefer toddlers or when they are older. Your parents live a long way away so it’s not surprising that they’ve seen your baby less. It’s understandable that they don’t want a long drive. It’s understandable they might not want to hold the baby if they’ve got the shakes (and the relationship with your wife took a dive in the first week won’t help). It is a bit strange that they’ve seen didn’t see you when they travelled nearby for other reasons though.

Your parents might not feel comfortable video calling! Are the tech savvy?

It is absolutely appalling that your wife told your baby that you don’t love the baby. No one should ever bad mouth the other parent in front of the child so badly. Your wife owes you an apology. She should be saying to you that she will not do this again.

Why do you always apologise and make up? She expects this so appears to have no accountability for her actions in any argument.

Your wife (and you too) with your arguments sound hot headed. Your wife will be hormonal too. I read the time it takes for hormones to settle down after birth recently and cannot remember how long it was, but it was far longer than I thought. I think it was over two years. Certainly in the first six months, it’s a massive change for the both of you. You both clearly have some things to work out and discuss about expectations from you both and expectations from your families. Consider writing a letter to each other to raise your points rather than having a conversation that could lead to an argument. Let each other read the letters without comment.

You need to make it clear to your wife that you can't control how your parents behave. Frankly, if she finds them difficult and they live five hours away that is probably a blessing. She has her own involved family, why does she want to see more of in-laws who annoy her? I think she is probably overwhelmed by the whole process of having a baby. She needs to focus on her baby with her supportive family, which should include you, and forget about what your parents are or aren't doing.

This - your wife is unreasonable as both sets of parents will be different and the woman is always closer to her own DM. OP your parents are older and live further away. You may both benefit from counselling.

This.

Does she want you to fall out with them? Cut them out of your life if they dont step up? She's being unreasonable on this and I would suggest couples counselling to properly talk it through.

It’s not clear to me why you decided to bring a baby into a relationship which is characterised by ‘really toxic, vicious and hurtful’ rows, which seem to be an established pattern predating the birth of your child. I’d suggest couples counselling urgently, and, otherwise, separating and focusing on developing an amicable co-parenting relationship.

To be honest your wife sounds bonkers. Usually new mothers are on here saying they are fed up with MIL interfering too much with baby . They visit too often , they want to hold baby all the time while the mum runs round after them making cups of tea etc.
I can’t see what your mum is doing that is so wrong. Of course her mum sees you all so often , she lives nearby . She doesn’t have a five hour drive or have to stay in a hotel and I bet if your mum was constantly face timing or even texting , then your wife would be seriously pissed off .