('D')P frequently threatens to take his own life during conflict -how to navigate separation?

[ChillyRiff]

Practical help, please.

My DC's dad, whom I have lived with for 20 years but am finally slowly side-stepping out of relationship with, has a predisposition to anxiety and depression -it's been a feature of our lives for as long as we've known eachother.

He becomes easily overwhelmed and defensive when we try to approach challenges in our co-habiting and parenting, he catastrophises and blames and usually shuts down the conversation abruptly by walking away and shutting himself in his room, often for hours, and bailing on whatever plans he may have had for the day.

When dysregulated or percieving criticism, he has a disturbing habit of alluding to, or outrightly declaring his intention to, or sharing his worry that he might feel compelled to, take his own life. It is a fairly frequent occurrence, in one shape or form. He will come to the end of his capacity to engage in a conversation, say something about ending his life (heavily laced with implied blame), walk off, hide for a while (hours or, in extreme cases, days) then re-emerge as if nothing has happened.

Over the years, I have tried taking him at face value, tried responding as if he is about to make a serious attempt, tried being supportive, tried to share what it is like to be on perpetual tenterhooks, tried calling his bluff, tried 'calling him out', tried not responding at all; nothing changes. One might think that, after such a long time, it shouldn't affect me, but it does. He made one attempt quite early on although I am not sure it wasn't just a 'marker' in order to instill the belief that he could, if pressed, go all the way: I returned home after having taken time out during an argument, to find 'evidence' of an attempt and him telling me he'd been "very close", but decided not to go ahead. He is not interested in medication or therapy.

The result is that I am always wary of pushing him, even in areas of conflict and challenge in our relationship which require urgent attention, in case this is the time he decides to go ahead. He can be rash and impulsive, and finds it very difficult that I tend to stay calm during conflict, so he says and does things 'for effect'. This morning, he declared that one day soon, I'd walk into his room to find a 'corpse', and written on the wall would be "Well done, girls -you've won!", meaning me and the DC, whom he is finding it hard to connect with at the moment (they obviously aren't aware of this side of their dad).

I don't think anyone would guess this is what our life is like. People have a completely different perception of him. He's really careful not to show any of this to others, it's all 'behind closed doors': he's adored by friends and colleagues, who see him as a great provider, emotionally literate and probably a bit of a catch.

I'm finally in a situation where, having worked on my 'ducks' for some time, I hope to be able to leave soon, for a variety of reasons; his being such hard work emotionally being the main factor. What I'm asking is, how can I finally make the transition from feeling I'm somehow responsible for his mental health, to letting that fall to him, for better or for worse? And not be reeled in or brought to submission by inevitable future threats? My fear is that he'll go ahead out of spite when I leave.

They rarely do it but if they do it is on them and not you. My ex was one of the few who went through with it ( he tried to call his current gf and she ignored tge calls.My life and dc's life have much improved since then.He is an adult, just call an ambulance and no more, it' s such a standard abuse technique.Good luck.

He's been abusing and manipulating you for years so it's not surprising you can't see that this is the ultimate control tactic that stops you from doing anything.

Next time he threatens just say "okay, since you are struggling and I'm not a professional mental health therapist I'll contact your GP and the emergency services who can actually help you". If he says no but calms down then continue with whatever you were doing. If he gets more emotional then call both the GP and 999, there is a mental health option once called.

Maybe write down the numbers for the Samaritans and the local mental health number (Mind?) etc to hand to him in silence.

Remember, you have tried for 10 years or more and achieved nothing, zip, nada, you are still on the suicide loop. You are not equipped or trained to help him so he/you need professional help, please access it while you are trying to leave.

My abusive STBXH did this all the time. I called his GP and reported my concern for his welfare and I presume they got into contact with him. He still makes veiled threats to friends but no longer does it to me. I believe him to be a narcissist and it’s just one of his many attempts to gain my attention. Of course I still worry, but I know that if it is genuine then the best thing I can do for him is to refer him to medical professionals.

If he threatens suicide, call 999 and continue with whatever you were doing. Preferably, go out.

He's a manipulative liar. Tell him you would not care less if he lived or died. That he can fuck right off and you won't listen to this shit any more. Then block him.

One of my boyfriends when I was younger did this and it kept me with him far longer than I should have stayed until, frankly, I didn’t care if he did- which is awful. 30 odd years later I believe he’s still going strong and still a loser.

This is not good.
You NEED a clean break.
Whatever it is, I would move heaven and earth to arrange matters so that you never see him or have contact from him again, even if there was a financial cost.

To answer you original questions (though there are many great replies already here):
What I'm asking is, how can I finally make the transition from feeling I'm somehow responsible for his mental health, to letting that fall to him, for better or for worse?
That is an internal process. You need to change yourself. It is never easy to change. Get the help of a good therapist or counsellor.

And not be reeled in or brought to submission by inevitable future threats?
A cast-iron will. Cut your heart from your head over this, and make your head over-rule your heart. Keep telling yourself that you will NOT be reeled in. It is a matter of willpower and determination, no matter what you are feeling.

My fear is that he'll go ahead out of spite when I leave.
Face that fear, feel the fear, and leave anyway. Accept the tiny, tiny chance it might happen, then go ahead with carrying out your plans to leave.
Life is never without risk. You can't sacrifice the life and happiness of your DC to try and prevent the tiny, tiny risk that he will kill himself.
You are not responsible for keeping him alive. That is not your job.
Once you accept this, truly accept it deep down, it becomes easier.

Excellent advice.

I have done the same with an ex. He had a diagnosed narcissistic histrionic personality disorder.

Call his bluff - and call for emergency services.

My ex is still alive btw, 25 years later.

Good luck OP, you are much better without him.

Well of course, because his method has worked very well for him, keeping you compliant.

My Ex DH did this regularly. After the night we discussed divorce he staged a suicide attempt - almost empty bottle of brandy, empty used glass and a bottle of pills on it's side with just a couple left. He then drove off after hitting the fence and the hedge a couple of times turning the car round. I called the police for a welfare check, they found him and breathelisd him and he was completely alcohol free! It was all done to manipulate me. 40 years later he is still the same but I no longer have any contact with him.

Leave him. He's a manipulative piece of shit.

You cannot be his reason for living and news flash you aren’t he is being manipulative

We are not responsible for others choices

Perfectly put x

When he threatens or alludes to suicide, from now on, do call an ambulance. He needs to have appropriate care at that time and you cannot give it because he manipulates and abuses you.

Hi OP, my ex was like this and self harmed in front of me etc when he thought I was going to leave so I fully understand the responsibility you feel and how hard it is.

Like you I reached the point where I intended to leave, I hadn't got my ducks in a row yet, but he obviously noticed the detachment so it all kicked off a lot sooner than I expected before I was prepared, so just be prepared for that.

Anyway he noticed and lost it and threatened to kill me, tried to break in after he left also threatening me, shouting awful stuff up to the kids about me and so on, it was awful but it was good in a way because it meant I couldn't give in and take him back.

For the next 6 months he made my life hell with suicide threats, 'attempts', making me think he had killed himself and that was the day I'd have to tell the kids. He would tell me he was going to leave a note to say he was dead because of me and some things that were even more deeply unhinged.

My friends tried to tell me that it's not that hard to kill yourself and no one has that many failed suicide attempts but as I'd been so brainwashed and manipulated it was very hard to not feel responsible, eventually 6 months down the line I said enough, and that day he of course took pills and ended up in a psychiatric hospital, he thought this time would be like the rest and he'd get attention and so on but when he tried to leave he was told if you try to leave you're going to be sectioned 😂 so they made him stay for a week and I didn't check on him or check in on him after, I was done and he knew it, and that was the end of him tormenting me (in that way anyway).

So the best advice I can give you is to not be his support system, pass the responsibility on to his family or to the police etc. I didn't go to the police myself due to a bad past experience with them and because my ex said he'd definitely do it if I got anyone involved but 100% if it ever happened again with another man I would. By not going I enabled him to continue to torment me.

The one good thing in my case was that he didn't want the kids to see him in that state at the time so he didn't ask to take them, I would not have let him anyway, so the fact he didn't want to made it one less battle.

Definitely start calling 999 when he makes threats. I would love to see his face when he answers the door to paramedics

This morning, he declared that one day soon, I'd walk into his room to find a 'corpse', and written on the wall would be "Well done, girls -you've won!", meaning me and the DC, whom he is finding it hard to connect with at the moment (they obviously aren't aware of this side of their dad).

He's finally blown it with this one - he's gone too far in embellishing his threats as this one actually tips the scales from "it would be too traumatic for my DC and I to leave in case he kills himself" to "it is too dangerous for us to stay because finding that would traumatise my DC much more than it happening after we left would".

Many years ago, I got a drunken 'phone call declaring, "I've taken an overdose and I rang up to say goodbye" which woke me up good and proper.
I was round to the flat pronto, and found a dishevelled figure stumbling about.
Somehow, I went into brisk mode, telling him I was going to ring 999 immediately, and wanted to know exactly what he had overdosed on, as I expected the paramedics would want to start by pumping his stomach.......
I have never seen somebody pull themselves together so quickly. The prospect of explaining himself to paramedics for wasting their time was enough was enough to make him lay off the dramatics, although some alcohol had been consumed.

Completely abusive behaviour. I think the first step to not feeling responsible for him is to recognise it as abuse. This is very hard to do when the abuse is intended to leverage your pity, love and fear for him, but I hope the replies here are helping to reinforce how wrong what he’s doing is.

The practical steps are to treat every threat as serious, especially when you are in the process of leaving or have actually left, because he will ramp it up during this transition period. The best thing you can do is to call 999, because he will be in the hands of professionals. You can put your mind to rest. Your only responsibility as a person who is no longer in a relationship with him is to alert the appropriate family members and health professionals about his intentions and let them deal with it.

Good luck. Sending you positive thoughts.

Thank you, everyone. I really appreciate the reflections. It is quite startling not only to read my own words, but to see such unambiguous responses. I have been completely 'locked in' to feeling very responsible for him -I think it started, at the very beginning, with feeling empathy for him as he's a kind of 'diamond in the rough' / 'humble beginnings' / 'turned out well despite considerable challenges' type, so the seed was always there.

There have been a few incidents where he's used my desire to shield or protect the children to make me shoulder some quite outrageous expectations and 'conditions', and if he has thought the DC might have seen me act concerned or worried as a result of his volatility, he's turned it around to make it appear my fault. The 'writing on the wall' comment was so callous and cruel, I can't even look at him today, despite him trying to dial back to normality.

I mentioned that an altogether 'clean' break would not be possible in the short to medium term. To clarify, @StandingDeskDisco , we will have separate houses and wind down any shared financial commitments. The thing I'm referring to, without being too outing, is separate commitments to the same geographical area -think job / caring commitment / medical service kind of thing; reasons neither of us will be able to move out of our city -yet. I really am looking forward to putting distance between us and being able to lock my own front door in the not too distant future. And yes, this will come at a significant financial cost and sacrifice, but it'll be worth every little thing I'll have to say 'no' to in order to be able to afford to action the plan.

I wince at just the thought of him deliberately upping the game as it becomes clear I'm leaving as a PP suggested. It literally feels like pain -it is so anxiety inducing (and I'm never really anxious about anything else in any other area of my life). Like so many other PPs, I too have hurried home after an ominous call -including him pulling me from work!- to find that he's thought better of it in the time it's taken me to get home, and him offering me a cup of tea, and a 'chat' about how I can 'make sure we don't end up in a situation like that again'.

My dad used to do this to my mum all the time, stand at windows threatening to jump if she left etc
Thankfully she did leave (25 years ago) and he is still alive as far as I am aware. Just wanted to add to the numerous comments above that this is textbook emotional abuse and absolutely an attempt at control. Your daughters will benefit from getting out of this situation in the long term, and things will get better. Would advise getting in touch with some support teams (for you). I know other posters have said ring ambulance etc but I understand that could be difficult particularly if he has form for control and this kind of behaviour.

He sounds extremely emotionally dysregulated which must be hard for him. And it is not your responsibility.

Two things can be true.

If when you leave an abusive man they sai they are going to kill themselves, take it as a threat to your life.

He is an abusive man. He is controlling you with the threat of suicide/self harm. If he manages not to behave like this to others, then he is in control of his actions.

He's a cunt saying that he would write that on the wall. And subject his daughters with such horrendous guilt for the rest of their lives.

I think you separate in a respectful way, as you would with another human who isn’t him…
when he starts all this crap, you ask him if he’s serious, and if you need to call for an ambulance. Yes? Dial 999 and go through with it.
once they’ve gone (they won’t section him), call his mum to come and collect him until he’s better. No one wants this around the girls.
divorce the prick.