Practical help, please.
My DC's dad, whom I have lived with for 20 years but am finally slowly side-stepping out of relationship with, has a predisposition to anxiety and depression -it's been a feature of our lives for as long as we've known eachother.
He becomes easily overwhelmed and defensive when we try to approach challenges in our co-habiting and parenting, he catastrophises and blames and usually shuts down the conversation abruptly by walking away and shutting himself in his room, often for hours, and bailing on whatever plans he may have had for the day.
When dysregulated or percieving criticism, he has a disturbing habit of alluding to, or outrightly declaring his intention to, or sharing his worry that he might feel compelled to, take his own life. It is a fairly frequent occurrence, in one shape or form. He will come to the end of his capacity to engage in a conversation, say something about ending his life (heavily laced with implied blame), walk off, hide for a while (hours or, in extreme cases, days) then re-emerge as if nothing has happened.
Over the years, I have tried taking him at face value, tried responding as if he is about to make a serious attempt, tried being supportive, tried to share what it is like to be on perpetual tenterhooks, tried calling his bluff, tried 'calling him out', tried not responding at all; nothing changes. One might think that, after such a long time, it shouldn't affect me, but it does. He made one attempt quite early on although I am not sure it wasn't just a 'marker' in order to instill the belief that he could, if pressed, go all the way: I returned home after having taken time out during an argument, to find 'evidence' of an attempt and him telling me he'd been "very close", but decided not to go ahead. He is not interested in medication or therapy.
The result is that I am always wary of pushing him, even in areas of conflict and challenge in our relationship which require urgent attention, in case this is the time he decides to go ahead. He can be rash and impulsive, and finds it very difficult that I tend to stay calm during conflict, so he says and does things 'for effect'. This morning, he declared that one day soon, I'd walk into his room to find a 'corpse', and written on the wall would be "Well done, girls -you've won!", meaning me and the DC, whom he is finding it hard to connect with at the moment (they obviously aren't aware of this side of their dad).
I don't think anyone would guess this is what our life is like. People have a completely different perception of him. He's really careful not to show any of this to others, it's all 'behind closed doors': he's adored by friends and colleagues, who see him as a great provider, emotionally literate and probably a bit of a catch.
I'm finally in a situation where, having worked on my 'ducks' for some time, I hope to be able to leave soon, for a variety of reasons; his being such hard work emotionally being the main factor. What I'm asking is, how can I finally make the transition from feeling I'm somehow responsible for his mental health, to letting that fall to him, for better or for worse? And not be reeled in or brought to submission by inevitable future threats? My fear is that he'll go ahead out of spite when I leave.