Dating over 40 - understanding language

[wednesday32]

Out of interest, is it not obvious to men that a woman is attracted to him? I asked a male friend if he would be my cinema date, and he replied that he might be able to go and would let me know when he was free, but never got back to me about it. However, we have continued to message multiple times a week, and now I’m wondering if my message came across too casually and he didn’t realise I was asking him out. Is that possible? I feel like I asked him on a date and have been rejected, but as we continue to message in general, I wonder if my message missed the mark—especially as we tend to write in quite a banter-heavy way. For background, we have been friends for many years but have only recently reconnected. Can the word 'date' be read casually?

I think he understood fully and by not responding has rejected your invitation. The fact he keeps messaging indicates nothing except that he is happy to keep you as a back up plan until he meets someone who interests him.

Disagree with PP, “cinema date” could easily be construed as platonic. You may need to be more direct.

If he wanted a relationship with you he would've jumped at that chance.

Or asked you on a date.

Yeah I think "[activity] date" reads as a friend date, not a romantic one.

Cinema date = friendship activity
Date at the cinema = romantic overtures

That's how I would read it anyway and I am 47 if that helps!

It is still rude to not get back to you on arrangements, even if he assumed it was a friend date. Have you only reconnected online or met in person recently? Are you sure he is single? Has he given any indication he is interested in you?

But also, if you two message multiple times a week, how on earth have you not said, "So you never got back to me about that cinema date Dave"?

Doesn't matter if he thought your invite was as platonic friends or a date. But the fact is if he felt the spark the way you do, he wouldn't let the golden opportunity pass to go on a date with you. Instead, he's gone weeks without suggesting any get-togethers with you. Doesn't sound like he's game for romance, nor even a true friendship where you're regularly meeting up. Who is booked solid for 2 weeks when you haven't seen each other for years. Wouldn't there be some excitement about planning something in person?

Were you the one who initiated reconnection? Are you the one who is always the first to initiate contact? If so, this is one-sided and he maybe likes the attention and is okay with being a text buddy, but for nothing more.

What I'll say is that when two people have opposing relationship goals, it'll never work. If you have a crush and it's unrequited, I suggest letting this friendship fade away.

If he fancied you he would accept any opportunity to go to the cinema with you. He hasn't.

If the words you used were cinema date then I think that sounds casual enough to be misconstrued.

I thought your post was going to be that he had thought you were interested in him romantically but actually you were just asking him as a friend from the way you had worded things at the start of your post.

Thanks everyone for your thoughts, I really appreciate it. I’m in my early 40s and haven’t dated in over 10 years, so this is definitely out of my comfort zone.
We actually met through friends over 15 years ago and have stayed in touch on Facebook since then—just the usual “happy birthday” messages and the occasional “we should catch up for a drink sometime,” but we never actually did.
Then in February, we finally made plans to meet. We ended up chatting for over six hours and had a really nice time, but I wasn’t sure if there was a spark from his side.
I have no interest in throwing myself at someone and potentially looking foolish, so I think I’ll just let this one slide.

There are many threads here from women complaining that a man has misinterpretated friendship as something romantic, and in this day and age men have finally learnt not to automatically assume romantic interest.

You need to be clearer with your intentions, particularly as the history has been one of friendship.

Also don't buy into this nonsense of "if he's interested in you, you would know it".

Incredibly fair point - good men don't want to be misconstrued as sex pests these days, so they can be very reserved. And so true that we need to be clear what our intentions are so as not to put them in an awkward space. We're all adults, we can just say what we want and what we don't.

Man here.

I would have taken that invite as a platonic invite to see a film you'd been wanting to see and had no-one to go with. Certainly in my case, we men need to be approached a bit stronger. I had it the other way round in my 20s when a girl rang me up and asked to go out with me on a Saturday so we did. When I reached for her hand she pulled away. I obviously misread her intentions although I did go to her wedding a few years later. Your man's failure to respond could be a refusal or he doesn't know how to. I would perhaps let it slide and hold your head up high, or you could ask him again and perhaps be a little more direct?

I had a friend who did this. In the end I realised that I was a lovely ego boost for him but he wasn't interested. He could pretend we were friends and he was doing nothing wrong etc, but he enjoyed me suggesting things for us to do and being able to be "busy". Sometimes he'd even say "we should go to..." and then when I suggested a time there'd be reason why not.

Eta: We were messaging far more often than is reasonable for "just friends". I don't think it's that I misinterpreted things, but that I was misled for the benefit of his ego.

I'm afraid, we still live in a world where if a man is interested he knows it's his "job" to ask. If he's bothered he will. My friend is now in what appears to be a happy relationship with someone he persued.

I'd probably take it as he just wants to be friends/penpals tbh and didn't want to say no directly.

I think he'd have been keener to follow up otherwise after you met in February.

If you want to go on a date with him, don't suggest the cinema. It's the worst place for dates. I never except any invitation from anyone to the cinema now my kids are old enough to go themselves. I find it an awful place.

Yes! And I’m saying that as a man in his early 40s.

‘Cinema date’ to me just hints at you wanting someone to go with you (I don’t think cinemas are good options for dates) as a friend.

Some of us men can really struggle to see the signs when someone’s interested in us, and just bar it off as them being nice.

That he’s messaging you is a good sign, suggest a dinner date and see how he responds!

Yes it sounds like you were just looking for someone (anyone) to go to the cinema with, rather than specifically asking him out on a date. You could have said 'Would you like to go out with me on Thursday night? I was thinking we could maybe catch a film?" and this would have been more obvious.

How is it nonsense? If you are interested in someone and they ask to meet up just the two of you, you would go. If you happened to be busy you would rearrange, not ignore it entirely. OP was the one trying to arrange a get together so there would have been no fear of him thinking he'd be overstepping.

Tbh if you had a date in Feb that went on for 6 hours and he’s not followed up asking for another then I would take it he doesn’t see you as a potential gf and has friend zoned you.

That just makes you an unsuitable date for OP 😀 It isn't the case for everyone.

I love cinema so it would suit me. I think it's good because it's low pressure and gives you something to talk about afterwards.

100% this. He likes you and thinks of you as a friend. He isnt interested in you romantically/sexually.

I think men are far more simple than women give them credit for. If he fancied you he would jump at the chance to see you, he hasn’t so there’s your answer, sadly.

Exactly.

If you really fancied someone and they used the word 'date' in any kind of way you'd be pleased.

Or at the very least you wouldn't not get back to them about it.