Dating over 40 - understanding language

[wednesday32]

Out of interest, is it not obvious to men that a woman is attracted to him? I asked a male friend if he would be my cinema date, and he replied that he might be able to go and would let me know when he was free, but never got back to me about it. However, we have continued to message multiple times a week, and now I’m wondering if my message came across too casually and he didn’t realise I was asking him out. Is that possible? I feel like I asked him on a date and have been rejected, but as we continue to message in general, I wonder if my message missed the mark—especially as we tend to write in quite a banter-heavy way. For background, we have been friends for many years but have only recently reconnected. Can the word 'date' be read casually?

But if you were interested in someone and they asked you to go to the cinema with them, would you not go even if you weren't sure if it was a friend date?

It is nonsense because I keep seeing it, in that men make it very clear when they're interested in someone, and that it is so abundantly clear that when you can't spot it it definitely means that the man isn't interested.

I don't know about now, but there used to be those pick-up artists (probably morphed into this manosphere cult now) and a lot of the "play it cool".

I just think you're naive if you think that all men are like the wolf from Red Hot Riding Hood (a cartoon The Mask was based on) and that men will be wolf-whistling their interest.

Sorry, OP- it sounds like he just sees you as a friend and is trying to pretend the date question never happened so that he can continue being your friend without awkwardness.

Yes, this.

Regardless of whether he realises OP was asking him on a date, if he saw her as a potential date, he'd still have jumped at the chance to spend time with her.

I think if he was interested, he'd have followed up with something after they spent 6hrs together chatting in February.

I don't think "playing it cool" manosphere types are the ones women should bother with. Fuck those guys. Or rather don't. 😂

I agree that "cinema date" wouldn't necessarily be construed as something romantic. I know one straight woman who describes almost everything she does with her close female friends as a date: Jenny and I had a cake date, I'm meeting Hannah for a dress shopping date, etc. I think she basically sees it as a date if it happens outside the home and has to be planned because they're all busy people. Some people call children going round to each other's houses "play dates" and I assume nobody thinks there's a romantic element to that.

You might need to think of another way of wording it if you want to be absolutely sure he gets the hint. Not sure what though, as the last time I was unattached the magic phrase was still '"will you go out with me?"!

^^ this 1000% ,

I think from previous discussions I've seen on the matter, a lot of people think an invitation to the cinema is platonic

It depends. If I was interested and thought it was a friend date than probably not (unless there was something specific I wanted to see). I’d be looking to cut back on time and communication with them until crush had passed.

I’m terrible at dating though, and often misread signs than realise that I had too late. It’s something I’m trying to correct!

Same happened to me with a male friend, I was sure there was something there, I asked him to an event and he said he’d get back to me, never did, we carried on as before and neither of us mentioned it. Definitely don’t ’chase It up’ - if he was interested he would have grabbed the chance!

Well that must make your opinion true then. 🙄Going to the cinema is a perfectly normal date.

Anything can be platonic - it's who you go with that makes it a date.

You can go for coffee, dinner, mini-golfing, a drink, a walk, dancing, picnic in the park, whatever, platonically or as a date. No particular social activity is exclusive to dating.

Agree with others that men are not always nuanced on this.

This was a recent recollection on twitter about misunderstanding.

@Gideonofthenew
A girl came to my house once and spent the night. Around the time for bed, she told me she doesnt sleep with a top on or panties. I told her thats okay I'll sleep on the couch so she can be comfy. She called me from downstairs later that night and told me she couldnt sleep and she was cold. I figured "well obviously! Youre naked!" So i gave her another blanket and went back downstairs.

While “cinema date” can sound like something you might say to a friend, if you’re really into someone and they say something like that I would think you will wonder if they like you too. You’re surely either going to clarify what it means or you’re going to go in the hope it’s what you want.

It does sound like he likes you but as a friend. However some people can be very shy or not act as expected so having said all that you are just going to be more direct if you want more clarity.

If a lot of people perceive it as an activity that you do with friends, then they won't know that you are wanting to escalate your relationship when you ask.

If I've got this right, you did meet in Feb, and since throwing the 'date' at the cinema out there, he said he'd get back to you and he didn't.

I think he's not interested, but he likes having you to chat to and as an option later on.

I would move on, buy He's Just Not That Into You or whatever the book is called and get yourself on Burned Haystacks dating method on Facebook and get clued up about when people are keen and when they are not.

You haven't done anything wrong, and neither has he, but he doesn't seem like he's pressing forward with this, you gave him an 'in', he didn't take it, he's happy to be text pals for now.

Speaking as a male posting on this thread I think that men and women generally have trouble communicating with each other about emotions as no one want to appear foolish and as you get more mature you have more than likely had bad experiences when and / or trying to date.

Just 2 examples from my experiences. A colleague that I had got to know at work, I asked if I could take her out for lunch during a holiday. we were teachers knew. I did not get an answer and she spent the next 2 years blanking me whenever she saw me. It was lunch !

In another school, I met someone who started flirting from the first day I met her. If there was an Olympic medal for flirting she would have won Gold. she was living with someone and whilst I was working in the school, she went to New York to get engaged during a holiday. she described to me going to New York was nice and did not mention getting engaged. Post engagement the flirting increased both in quality and quantity, so much so the students and our colleagues noticed. I left the school and she got married.

So people have trouble communication.

Do you know his past ? You do not know if he has been messed about and is wary. He may have been surprised and he also may be asking "What did she actually mean" He may not want to put his foot in it. He may like you a lot and he doesn't want to look foolish. So I suggest you mention this again. If you like him, go for it.

We ended up chatting for over six hours and had a really nice time, but I wasn’t sure if there was a spark from his side.

trust your instincts @wednesday32 if you don't feel like he was giving you the vibe that he was interested in anything other than an arm's length connection with you, it's because he isn't interested.

The fact he said "I'll let you know" and then didn't, shows he just doesn't want to take it any further. If he was interested he would have gone to the cinema with you because it is a good way to bridge between your present platonic relationship and towards something more emotional/romantic. Best to take the hint.